Drugs Drugs Drugs

[Tha]

I can't remember to how to cope with things.

 

Background:

 

I have been with my partner almost 7 years, we are both 26.

 

Partner:

He has been a heavy drug user for 10 years. It will be months of alcohol daily, then months of marijuana daily, or just whatever he can get.

I was unaware if what being with a person like this would be like when we first got together.

Works full time, has never not.

 

Me:

Anxiety problems (very mild now)

No alcohol/drug use at all.

Full time at uni for 5 years, currently working on doctorate.

 

Problem:

 

Rationally I am aware that this is not a good thing, I have been for a long time, but I haven't changed anything :s.

Recently my partner has run into problems relating to drugs, this has had a substantial effect on his work. He has several convictions- these have had a large impact on his life, and currently he is unable to take anything at all other than alcohol. The result of this has been him drinking alone, becoming very angry, damaging our home, while drunk and trying to get drugs anyway he can in the middle of the night. He tells me he is really depressed, and although I can emphasize with the reasons he gives for depression, he does nothing to solve this.

He also claims that he thinks drugs are making his life difficult, he is out drinking now.

 

I feel almost as though he is being selfish/egocentric, after all he has been a serious addict since his mid teens-maybe he never had to care about anyone else, but I am torn about what to do, the idea of deserting him makes me feel sick, and I do love him, but this life is starting to interfere with my work, and I walk on eggshells to avoid fueling a bad mood. I discuss this with no one, I guess I could do with objective advice?

 

I literally feel my heart start racing when he walks in, just pure discomfort, I am not sure if I am being anxious in general or if this is because of him.

 

Advice pretty please >???

[agent1607307371]

I walk on eggshells to avoid fueling a bad mood

 

You know what you need to do. You can't fix him, you can only look after yourself. Don't sacrifice yourself for him.

[Tha]

Thanks agent, I was reading what I wrote, it sounds incredibly sad. I think I let this go on to avoid the mental/emotional disruption.

[becomingkate]

I often think it's too extreme when everyone jumps in and says "leave him!" in these forums, but you're in an entirely different situation - he's been an addict since his mid teens and his behaviour really points to either Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar disorder.

 

he does nothing to solve this.

 

At this point, I don't think he can do anything - from what I understand from years of therapy (my husband drank himself to death and my whole family has been to therapy) he requires rehabilitation (rehab) medication and therapy to overcome his illness. He may require up to six months in rehab, followed up by a Sober Living environment, and daily/weekly meetings for years.

 

...this life is starting to interfere with my work, and I walk on eggshells to avoid fueling a bad mood. I discuss this with no one, I guess I could do with objective advice?

 

I literally feel my heart start racing when he walks in, just pure discomfort, I am not sure if I am being anxious in general or if this is because of him.

 

It's because of him and what is scary about what he's doing. I think that in order to save him, you might have step back and let him concentrate on his recovery.

 

Please go to this website and read about BPD:

 

link removed

[skygreen1111]

i agree with Agent 100% You already know the answer to this one. It is clear when substance use becomes a serious problem. I have found through life experience that you can almost never pull somebody out of that pit. Only they can climb out themselves. Trying to pull them out will simply pull you in. It sounds like a rough situation for you to be in, I wouldn't want to deal with that either.

[Tha]

Thank you Kate, especially for not being harsh about it. I considered the bpd at one point, a doctor suggested alcohol related psychosis- only alcohol was discussed, and that was required to get off a charge. To be honest, I feel like nothing is going to change with him, I worry that he will end up dead, or end up killing himself. I don't know how to proceed. I have tried so many times but never gone through with it. I hate myself for letting this happen, I really have no idea how to separate my emotions from everything.... ugggh

[drummergirl]

He sounds like somebody who will always be holding you back in life rather than working together with you so you both reach your full potential.

 

Don't worry about how he'll be without you. Either he'll realize losing you due to his addiction is something he doesn't want to have repeated in his next relationship and he'll clean up his act or he'll keep finding a way to find drugs and alcohol and continue down the same path. He's an adult. You're not responsible for his addiction or his well-being.

 

You are responsible for your life and whether or not you choose to spend the entirety of it with a drug addict that damages your home when drunk & angry.

[Tha]

i agree with Agent 100% You already know the answer to this one. It is clear when substance use becomes a serious problem. I have found through life experience that you can almost never pull somebody out of that pit. Only they can climb out themselves. Trying to pull them out will simply pull you in. It sounds like a rough situation for you to be in, I wouldn't want to deal with that either.

 

I think I am starting to feel that way about it, it changes nothing for him but does a lot to me.. sigh. The only thing I have clung to all this time is uni, and I am terrified that the emotional upheaval of starting again will cause serious problems for my work. I really don't know what to do. Despite anything that happens, I avoid the break up. Although I am sure he wouldn't be more hurt than he is if he has to be straight for a day.

[Snny]

Nothing good can come from a relationship with someone who has a drinking and a drug addiction.