blacklantana Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Good job. Blocking is infinitely better than deleting. Link to comment
StellaCrimson Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Or do what I did. Deactivate facebook after a breakup and get someone to change your password for you. Then you won't be tempted. It was one of the best choices I ever made. Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Shouldn't be worried about what he thinks at all...And trust me, he won't forget about your positive attributes even if he tried to. It's not possible, especially as the dumper. Why do the dumpers only see positive and not negative? And do the dumpers only see negatives and not positives? Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Why do the dumpers only see positive and not negative? And do the dumpers only see negatives and not positives? As a dumper (in a vast majority of the cases), you constantly have 2nd thoughts. The negative reasons for leaving dissipate and the positive thoughts start to enter their brain again. This is why the dumper usually comes back. The dumpee usually is more clear headed after a few months of NC. They reflect back and understand what went wrong, etc...Their feelings are of the negative and positive, but they should be focusing more on the negative so they can understand why it didn't work and what they would NOT want from a potential partner in the future... But the dumper usually leaves the dumpee for someone else, so there's no time to reflect necessarily. These are the people who avoid self-reflection and/or solving their own issues they tend to ignore... Because they think they are perfect. Narcissistic/Selfish tendencies, which probably led to the break up in the first place. Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 So it's because they don't want to self reflect and or couldn't, they find someone else to replace the dumpee right? Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 So it's because they don't want to self reflect and or couldn't, they find someone else to replace the dumpee right? Many times, yes... They want something easier/new. Relationships take work. When times get hard or if they realize that THEY are actually part of the problem as well, they run. Why try to fix yourself when you can find someone else who will "love" you for you?... The 'grass is greener' syndrome, as well as the run away. And if they don't find someone else, they will find SOMETHING and/or SOMEONE to distract them from reality. It's how most people work, unfortunately... Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Many times, yes... They want something easier/new. Relationships take work. When times get hard or if they realize that THEY are actually part of the problem as well, they run. Why try to fix yourself when you can find someone else who will "love" you for you?... The 'grass is greener' syndrome, as well as the run away. And if they don't find someone else, they will find SOMETHING and/or SOMEONE to distract them from reality. It's how most people work, unfortunately... Now that's just sad... people like that are so sad. I pity them. Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Now that's just sad... people like that are so sad. I pity them. as they say, "I pity the fool."... hehe. We all have our own weaknesses. First step is to admit it Link to comment
figmentations Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Would you say there are two types of dumpers then? Those that then return and the other type of dumper that finds someone else and is selfish? Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Would you say there are two types of dumpers then? Those that then return and the other type of dumper that finds someone else and is selfish? Yes I would say so, but I'll let blacklantana answer your question since you asked him. But I've been reading so many posts on this site and noticed a lot of dudes who were broken up had some real b*()tchy exes. I'm always in awe how some girls are always more mean than guys when it comes to breakup, or maybe the nice guys always finish last. There are some real d^(&(&che guys out there and those guys seem to be with the most amazing girls. What do you guys think? Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Would you say there are two types of dumpers then? Those that then return and the other type of dumper that finds someone else and is selfish? The term isn't mutually exclusive. You can be a dumper that found someone else, but also ends up returning. Either way, NOT working on what they might have to, is selfish. They usually think YOU'RE the problem, not them... Just that alone, is selfish. Yes I would say so, but I'll let blacklantana answer your question since you asked him. But I've been reading so many posts on this site and noticed a lot of dudes who were broken up had some real b*()tchy exes. I'm always in awe how some girls are always more mean than guys when it comes to breakup, or maybe the nice guys always finish last. There are some real d^(&(&che guys out there and those guys seem to be with the most amazing girls. What do you guys think? Men and women both act the same during a break up. Either they are mature about it, or they aren't. Guys can be jerks during a break up, and so can girls. In regards to "jerk guys seem to be with the most amazing girls"... Well, there's many aspects to that. I could probably type an essay on why, haha. First of all, what are you classifying as "amazing women"? To me, an AMAZING women respects herself. She holds values that I do, as well as high standards... A supposed "amazing" girl that is with a "jerk" guy, doesn't seem to be so amazing after all, does she. Every person on this planet has the potential to be "amazing", but not with someone who is NOT right for you. That "amazing" women who is with that "jerk" guy has a lot to learn. Not only about herself, but what she wants in a partner as well. Also, there's no such thing as "Nice guys finish last"... That's just soft language to give the "nice guys" a reason to think the girls are being irrational, when really, the "nice guys" are the ones who need changing. Nice guys are typically doormats, not confident (insecure), clingy, etc.... Are those respectful and/or attractive qualities? NO. This is all for now, or else I might be typing 2000 words here LOL Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 They usually think YOU'RE the problem, not them... Just that alone, is selfish. I am not sure if they usually think you're the problem because relationship is about two people, we are both at fault. Perhaps, they choose to focus on the dumpee's problem, but then again, you said they usually focus on the positives. Also when I say amazing, I mean someone who is overall a decent person, with good personality, attractive, intelligent and a good heart. That's what I think. I do know some of my gfs go for bad dudes even though they are pretty decent themselves. Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Also, both dumpers and dumpees go for rebounds. I've done it, and people who dumped me have done it. I actually think it's easier for the dumpee to look for a rebound. Link to comment
surfjon Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Heartbroken..... I've moved on super fast to dating, I'm of the opinion that in certain people, the deeper the cut the faster the desire to move on.... I don't think it's a guy thing, girls seem to do it as well. After 2 months of her being "unsure", just wanting me around as a friend, I had enough and as soon as I got strong and bailed, I was ready to get back out there...has nothing to do with how "emotionally invested" we were....I was CRAZY about my girl, but she rejected me so BAM rejected right back and I was gone..... Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Heartbroken..... I've moved on super fast to dating, I'm of the opinion that in certain people, the deeper the cut the faster the desire to move on.... I don't think it's a guy thing, girls seem to do it as well. After 2 months of her being "unsure", just wanting me around as a friend, I had enough and as soon as I got strong and bailed, I was ready to get back out there...has nothing to do with how "emotionally invested" we were....I was CRAZY about my girl, but she rejected me so BAM rejected right back and I was gone..... I think I am in the same situation. So I feel you. Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I am not sure if they usually think you're the problem because relationship is about two people, we are both at fault. Perhaps, they choose to focus on the dumpee's problem, but then again, you said they usually focus on the positives. Also when I say amazing, I mean someone who is overall a decent person, with good personality, attractive, intelligent and a good heart. That's what I think. I do know some of my gfs go for bad dudes even though they are pretty decent themselves. The relationship is about two people and you're both at fault, correct. But do you think the dumper believes that? No. That was my point... When one feels entitled to something better (or 'easier' in their mind), they don't 'need' to deal with someone who will challenge them. At the time of the break up they choose to focus on the dumpee's negatives, yes. But as time passes, they start to remember all the positives and the negative things dissipate. Majority of the population are 'overall decent people' and have 'good hearts'. Everything else (i.e. Good personality, attractive, etc..) is completely subjective. To you, someone may be attractive, but maybe not to me. In regards to 'intelligence', do you mean book smart? Because an intelligent women wouldn't get and/or STAY with a jerk guy. Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 The relationship is about two people and you're both at fault, correct. But do you think the dumper believes that? No. That was my point... When one feels entitled to something better (or 'easier' in their mind), they don't 'need' to deal with someone who will challenge them. At the time of the break up they choose to focus on the dumpee's negatives, yes. But as time passes, they start to remember all the positives and the negative things dissipate. Majority of the population are 'overall decent people' and have 'good hearts'. Everything else (i.e. Good personality, attractive, etc..) is completely subjective. To you, someone may be attractive, but maybe not to me. In regards to 'intelligence', do you mean book smart? Because an intelligent women wouldn't get and/or STAY with a jerk guy. I don't know if they truly believe that they are at fault too, according to my ex he did. But then those are just words. And yes book smart. I agree a lot of things are subjective Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I don't know if they truly believe that they are at fault too, according to my ex he did. But then those are just words. And yes book smart. I agree a lot of things are subjective Haha.. They supposedly believe they are at fault, yet they are the ones leaving and running away from it, make any sense? It's the whole "it was me, not you" BS answer to soften the blow for you. It's quite ridiculous... And yes, book smart doesn't necessarily mean much to me. You need to have a balance, between book smart and street smart (common sense). I've met a lot of people with their masters degree who I can't even have a conversation with. Their critical thinking skills aren't there, and it's a turn off. Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Haha.. They supposedly believe they are at fault, yet they are the ones leaving and running away from it, make any sense? It's the whole "it was me, not you" BS answer to soften the blow for you. It's quite ridiculous... And yes, book smart doesn't necessarily mean much to me. You need to have a balance, between book smart and street smart (common sense). I've met a lot of people with their masters degree who I can't even have a conversation with. Their critical thinking skills aren't there, and it's a turn off. When you say it's not you but me, are you talking about my relationship? Cuz I keep thinking that you are. Because in my case I really do think it's not me it's him. Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 When you say it's not you but me, are you talking about my relationship? Cuz I keep thinking that you are. Because in my case I really do think it's not me it's him. It's a general statement. It applies overall in society. In his mind, he thinks you're the problem. But to give a bit of a reverse psychological tactic, he says "It's not you, it's me."... In reality, it most likely IS him that was the problem, but remember, it's a two way street. As long as you realized what mistakes you made and how to fix them, you should be fine. Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 It's a general statement. It applies overall in society. In his mind, he thinks you're the problem. But to give a bit of a reverse psychological tactic, he says "It's not you, it's me."... In reality, it most likely IS him that was the problem, but remember, it's a two way street. As long as you realized what mistakes you made and how to fix them, you should be fine. Ok good cuz sometimes I read your posts and I think you're speaking directly to me. It's comforting to know that the dumper will think of you positively and not negatively. Also that they will most likely contact you and miss you. I find that once I shift the focus back onto myself, I feel less pain and cry less. Also, update on him breaking contact. I told you I got an email from him this Monday, I deleted it and won't ever be able to respond to it. Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Ok good cuz sometimes I read your posts and I think you're speaking directly to me. It's comforting to know that the dumper will think of you positively and not negatively. Also that they will most likely contact you and miss you. I find that once I shift the focus back onto myself, I feel less pain and cry less. Also, update on him breaking contact. I told you I got an email from him this Monday, I deleted it and won't ever be able to respond to it. Good for you. Same with texts.. If they send you a text, just delete their thread. I'm impressed that you are staying strong and sticking to NC, despite your crying days. Good job Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Good for you. Same with texts.. If they send you a text, just delete their thread. I'm impressed that you are staying strong and sticking to NC, despite your crying days. Good job I am definitely staying strong, I think this is the strongest I've ever been. I cry here and there, it comes and goes, but I know it's part of the healing process. I learned to soothe myself though Link to comment
blacklantana Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I am definitely staying strong, I think this is the strongest I've ever been. I cry here and there, it comes and goes, but I know it's part of the healing process. I learned to soothe myself though Yup yup. Grieving is definitely part of the healing process... I think you're on the right track to move on completely Link to comment
heartbrokengir Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Yup yup. Grieving is definitely part of the healing process... I think you're on the right track to move on completely Thanks! My advice to ppl on this forum is shift your focus on yourself, it makes it less painful, so NC definitely helps. When you focus on the dumper you will give them so much more power than they deserve and that just makes you cry and depressed. Link to comment
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