i just need the truth i can give some facts.

[Shinobie]

Ok first of all it seems like everything people give me about why i dont have a girlfriend is my confidence.But cant it be because im ugly?And here are the sources saying that im ugly.My best friend thinks im ugly.Been called ugly by many girls and never get any attention from girls much at all like they dont usually stare over to me or anything.All my friends and stuff always make hints about that i am ugly.Like one friend loves to say the only vagina you will ever see is the one u came out of and other jokes revolving around being ugly even from my best friend i get it.Isnt that enough sources to show u that i am ugly?I just want the truth.I am not that shallow of a person but i cant stand girls who are overweight they have always bothered me.Sorry i would not date one probably.But they always seem to be the ones that are attracted to me.I am to shallow i like skinny girls who are like me but none of them ever like me.I just want the truth.U guys always say that i will get a girlfriend it just comes overtime.But what about these 30 year old guys that come to my restaurant they dont have a gf and seem like they never have had one.Will i grow up to be this way if im too ugly for women?Cause i really dont want to grow up this way.I dont get how to know if i will have one.No girls have been attracted to me and seem very distant for even longer.Because i know women.If they look at you and you're ugly they wont be interested in you and give u one chance.I just want the truth.because it seems like a lot of the responses i get back sound like some fairy tale like everyone gets one.I dont think it is entirely truebecause i do believe some guys may even grow pretty old without havign a gf or wife.Im stuck in sort of a bind here to because im so mature.Im already thinkings about how wonderful it would be to have kids and i havent even passed elementary school relationships im pretty far behind.

 

BTW,Im going a month and strong not caring about women,I have it set in my mind that i dont need women cause they make me have bad thoughts and are mean in my life.

[sf]

Hey,

 

I am a good looking guy and I find it extremely difficult to pick up women. Let me tell you about my friend who is good with women...he is short, balding, and just very average.

If you are good looking, you will get women to hit on you, but that is good only for a first date. After that, it is your personality that counts. Ever seen beautiful women with the most ordinary looking guys? Very common...

so my friend, remember this, it is not your looks, but how you make a woman feel when she is with you that counts!!!

[mahlina]

Shinobie,

 

I doubt that you're ugly, not especially after that post where you mentioned that waitress complimenting your eyes. If the chick digs your eyes, that probably means that she's digging your other assets as well.

 

About the girls straight up saying those mean things to you, they're probably just mean girls. If you truly were ugly, then people won't be blunt about it. Instead, they'd probably keep their mouths shut and not say anything mean at all. If they do, then something's just messed up in their heads. Also, some girls are really blunt when they joke around. My cousin used to have these friends who were like that. Everytime we hung out, they'd answer their phone calls with a "Hey ugly. What are you doing?" to the friends in their group. I never was close to them. They were too fake for me. Girls like that are just blunt jokers like that. And, they were anything but ugly. They were pretty, but mean girls. It was just their way of joking around. Maybe your bestfriend's approach is the same.

 

Remember how people used to say: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? Well, whoever invented that slogan must be in denial. A lot of our perception of ourself is influenced by the people around us. So, it's not easy for people to just say that you can easily shrug it off. But, really, things will get better. It's tough for you because you're also in high school, which is a difficult time because people have this kind of 'crowd pleaser' mentality. They think that being mean is cool, when it's not. I'm sure that you'll run into that girl someday. It's all a matter of opening up from shyness, and actually letting people know you for you from the inside out.

 

In fact, most girls will like you for who you are, not if you have big muscles, if you drive a nice car, etc. It's the qualities that you carry from within, that will attract the right ladies. Ultimately, it's the bond that we're looking for. You'll find that special someone. Keep on believing in yourself. When you carry on with that personal charisma, it will be enough to attract a girl's attention. Hang in there...-Mahlina

[thatguy]

Ok first of all it seems like everything people give me about why i dont have a girlfriend is my confidence.

 

yep, low self esteem sure has alot to do with it too.

[thatguy]

Shinobie,

But, really, things will get better. It's tough for you because you're also in high school, which is a difficult time because people have this kind of 'crowd pleaser' mentality.

 

Hang in there...-Mahlina

 

How will things get better for shinobie after high school? he wont get made fun of, but i dont see how his life will improve.

 

Even tho he gets a hard time from people. If he keeps this mentality i don't see things improving at all. Its just that much easier to be a loner once you don't have to be around people your age.

 

Things won't get better unless you allow them to.

[mahlina]

That's why I said

Keep on believing in yourself. When you carry on with that personal charisma, it will be enough to attract a girl's attention. Hang in there...-Mahlina

I'm not trying to argue here okay? Just trying to cheer the guy up. Read the last part of my message. I told him to believe in himself. That in itself, builds on self-confidence. I don't think that giving advice has to be harsh. I could've said it in a blunt manner, but didn't, due to the fact that Shinbie's sensitive to this issue. Being hard on him won't help either. The best way for Shinobie to resolve things is if realizes things for himself. We're only here to help! It doesn't mean that we have to crush his ego along the way. I'm sure that he will grow out of this, and will find his own resolution. He just needs some guidance, that's all. -Mahlina

 

P.S. A quote that I live by is: Life is what you make of it.

 

Sure, it's nice to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes, but that's where we have to pick ourselves up, not dwell and actually do something with our lives. I've been in countless numbers of crappy situations as a child, mainly due to family troubles. Often times, I didn't have my parents to turn to. Coming from a conflicted background, I always told myself to never give up. That's why I'm truly a survivor to the things that I've been through in my past. If I made myself the victim, then I could've been in a worse position. I don't make excuses for myself.

 

So I do understand what you mean about not making excuses, and pushing for self-improvement, but I also think that he just needs a bit of support here and there, so that he'll eventually realize things for himself some day.

 

Just as a side note: I've seen people give advice on other websites. Some of their responses were pretty vulgar. I don't believe in being mean on the web. In fact, eNotalone's a place where people turn to, when they need emotional support. It's their safe-haven. Public bashing should be the last thing that they need, especially when we already see enough bullying going on in the real world.

 

Lastly, Shinobie...one more thing: If people mistreat you by putting you down, (ie. those girls and some of your friends), then consider it your 'weeding out' mechanism. Use it to your advantage. It's not like you're asking to get mistreated. It's just in their ill character to be that way. Realize that a true friend will never hurt you. That's should be the last of their intentions. Instead, they should be there for you to give you good advice, and care for your well-being, just as you would for them. Sorry it got kind of long, but I truly think that your whole situation will make you a stronger person. Take Care...

[ShySoul]

Shinobie, you are not ugly. Anyone who would say that is just being mean and a real jerk. They are probably just insecure about their own looks and have to put others down to make themselves look and feel better. The only probem you have is your self-confidence. You need to stop listening to what these jerks are telling you and start believing in yourself. I know it's not easy. All of us wants to be accepted and appreciated by others. But you have to appreciate yourself first. Keep telling yourself your a good guy and are not ugly. Eventually you'll find a nice girl who will appreciate you. Just be patient and believe in yourself until then.

[thatguy]

Mahlina

i agree, my response was uncalled for, i only try to help. I cant really stand to see people have such little self respect.

 

I mean we all have our problems but you can't take it out on yourself.

[mavrik20020]

well.... I am a bit shocked... ok... my story briefly...

I am right now 24 years old!! My mom passed away when I was 8, I was under the supervision of a brutal stepmother, yet, I've done tremendously well in school... I've done college, MA, and now doing my PhD...

I came to the states from another country... I never considered myself ugly before... looking backwards on it, I even think that 2 or 3 girls had a crush on me when I was in high shcool, but hey... I've done well in school so you can conclude I did not pay attention to these matters back then... even now, I dont have time for dating.

BUT... since I came here, I started to think I am ugly... and recently it has controlled my life that I wanted to quit my PhD... why?? well, as you said... when you get your housemate to keep implying that you are ugly, and when even your PhD advisor SAYS you are ugly, then pretty much that's what many people think about you. Now, it's true that 2 seconds ago, before reading your story, I was about to kill myself, but there are many thoughts that keep popping up in my head. First, the people who say these things are the ugliest around me... Second, I have dated very good looking girls... Third, and most important... I think that beauty these days is programmed and so much determined by the media and changes over time. So I think that people who call you ugly, or hurt you in any way should never be considered your friends... maybe I should resume my PhD with a different professor who knows how to behave... or maybe I should dump my housemate or at least start ignoring him.

I do not understand why people in this country have so much sensitivity to looks, than to any other aspect. I never heard anyone complaining about not being smart enough... they say that out loud, and joke about it... but never take it seriously... why look is the ultimate parameter for happiness and respect in this country?? I am so disappointed.

So briefly, blame things on your society, friends, the media, but never blame yourself. If you need support, let's make an organization !!!!!

I am email removed[/img]

[Caldus]

Shinobie, things will get better if you take action. That is what I've learned recently. Things really do get better when you actually take action and not just say you will. If you really think you're ugly then why not start working out? How about doing what you can to improve the way you look? And also, as cliche as it sounds, work on your confidence. People really do notice when others seem to have confidence in themselves. I know it's difficult to build self-confidence when you're in that kind of position but over time you will if you try (and take action). It sounds like you are your own worst enemy and that has got to stop. Cut yourself some slack. Are you really that ugly if a girl tells you that you have pretty eyes? Psssh, get out.

 

Believe me, some girls in the past thought I didn't look all that hot. However a lot of girls say I look cute and some girls say I even look hot. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. One girl I dated didn't like how I looked and then the next girl thought I was handsome. So don't go calling yourself ugly like that? Aight? And again, cut yourself some slack and most of all, don't be so worried about it. ^_^

[Caldus]

why look is the ultimate parameter for happiness and respect in this country?? I am so disappointed.

 

Yeah it is kind of disappointing. Some people basically measure their self-worth by how they look and it's frightening. When I was 16 I was always complaining about how dumb and slow I thought I was. Heh, that ain't true either. I make straight A's in college (I know, I sound ****y).

[SecondChance]

Shinobie,

 

You may have posted this before, but can you give specifics on exactly what you think is so ugly about you? Is it acne (common for teen-agers), the shape of your face, that you think you're too short, do you have a physical disfigurement, or what? I do not mean to be insensitive to anyone else who falls in the above categories by implying that I think they are ugly, but I'm trying to get inside Shinobie's head a little bettter.

 

The reason I ask is because your looks will change as you get older. I was quite overweight when I was 17, and, to put it bluntly, I became better looking as I got older. I am now in my 30s, and look the best I ever have, honestly. You are not at your physical peak when you are 17.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but just from one more person: it's NOT that you're ugly - I know I haven't actually seen you, but the probability that it is your looks is SO low... besides, you're only 17!!! You WILL date, and if it is in your 20s, you will be like many many many other people. Don't worry... but I know this isn't what you want to hear right now. Sorry...