7 years later and it hits me hard and feelings of guilt

[DaVinci]

Ten years ago I worked in a refugeecamp where I met J. a refugee. We fell in love ... and had a couple of weeks of bliss. We wanted to continue a relationship so I decided to quit my job and find another job and he very soon got a permit to stay in my country.

After three months problems kicked in due to cultural differences. I'm used to live in a world of structure ... everyday to my job, own a home and a car. While he was used to a life with not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring, where you eat, sleep and where you are. I was used to be at myself most of the time. He was used to be in a group of friends most of the time. If I was with him, his friends would alway's be there and I couldn't understand the language. I was the one with the job, the car, the home and the money so J. and his friends relied on me for food and drinks, a ride and once in a while a place to stay. In my head I was always busy with pleasing J... and at one point a realised I forgot myself, I was very lonely and felt taken for granted.

At that point I checked out emotionally ... I poored my heart out to a colleague and fell in love. I was honest about that to J. and he was very hurt and for him a kick in the butt to chase me... but I was emotionally checked out... I decided to break up. A few days later I had one date with colleque, had a little kiss but realised that he was just the trigger ... the final push to end things with J. And he, he was very hurt but I didn't care so much at that point because I felt he was to blame too.

 

And now it's seven years ago ... I got a new job at that refugeecamp again and the setting ... it all kicked in ... and I'm crying like I never cried before. It's not that I want to go back and rekindle it's more such a quilty feeling for ending it so badly ... I'm hurting now for hurting him ... I feel anxiety and don't know what to do.

I never experienced a feeling like this before...

[lilypadgirl]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with such heavy guilt, but it's also a good thing that because you can learn from this. What is past is past, but you have the chance now for personal growth and to be a better version of you.

 

It might help to write an apology letter to J as a writing exercise. Don't send it. Just write it. Pour out your heart, your guilt, the lessons you learned, how you changed, what you wished could have been different, how you've grown. I think it will help you focus your emotions and deal with the guilt.

[itsallgrand]

I have a very serious question. Do you think it was ethical of you to be working in that camp and to have gotten romantically involved with one of the people living there?

 

Do you have guilt about getting involved, or do you have guilt because the relationship didn't work out as you hoped and you broke up with him?

[lemondust]

DaVinci it sounds like you truly had justifiable reasons for ending it with him. It sounds as if being at the refugee camp has brought back memories of how vulnerable he was, and how difficult things were for him when you met him, and this is making you feel bad because the tender/caring part of you is remembering these feelings.

 

Guilt in this situation has no real purpose for you, other than punishing yourself for being human and ending something that wasn't good for you at that time. Forgiving yourself can be difficult, but you are human, be gentle with yourself.

 

I agree with lilypadgirl on writing him a letter put everything in that letter, read it to yourself, reflect on it....and then let it all go.

[DaVinci]

I have a very serious question. Do you think it was ethical of you to be working in that camp and to have gotten romantically involved with one of the people living there?

 

Do you have guilt about getting involved, or do you have guilt because the relationship didn't work out as you hoped and you broke up with him?

 

No it was not ethical, but I don't regret ... I was 21 at the time and I quit the job because I wanted the relationship more then the job.

 

I have no quilt of getting involved, no quilt of it not working out... I feel quilt for ending it so badly, hurting his feelings.

[DaVinci]

@lilypad: Thank you very much for good advice! Very helpfull ... This evening I will write a letter to J that will never be sent. Hope to be able to let it go after that. These emotions are a bit too much.

[DaVinci]

@lemondust, I had to cry a little reading your post. That's exactly what it is, I'm punishing myself and need to forgive myself. You hit the nail on the head with that post. Thanks!

[itsallgrand]

No it was not ethical, but I don't regret ... I was 21 at the time and I quit the job because I wanted the relationship more then the job.

 

I have no quilt of getting involved, no quilt of it not working out... I feel quilt for ending it so badly, hurting his feelings.

 

Oh ok. Well you were 21 at the time, and maybe keep that in mind when dealing with your feelings for how you ended the relationship?? Good luck with the letter.

[roxy8855]

You gotta forgive yourself. Try writing him a letter... it will give you closure

[dumPI]

I am also for writing but sending to him if you can reach him. This thing of writing and not sending seems just a psychological trick. But you hurt a person, who you loved, why not writing, apologizing, etc? That would make you more human, more sensible, more mature in my opinion.

 

Of course that would leave you with the thought of "What will he think of all this?" Well that's his part to solve. But you gotta do yours. He meant something big to you and you discovered it 7 years later ... let him know. Appreciation is always welcomed (although maybe too late). It's better to regret what you did than what you didn't do.

 

That's how I feel about the situation