This Might Be It.... :\

[jayyy]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and 1/2 years, live together, share a lot of things together....

We've been through some ups and downs (look through my previous posts in case you want slight background), but lately we've been through more downs then ups. About a couple months ago, he got into the habit of leaving our house whenever we were in a fight and he just didn't want to deal with it. Granted, we were fighting and screaming at eachother, but I never ever ever left because I just feel that is so disrespectful and its just like saying "I don't care what you have to say, I'm leaving." About 2 weeks ago we got into a pretty big fight and he decided to walk out again, we fixed things and we had a serious talk where I told him that the next time he decides to walk out of a problem again and run away I will have to reconsider my decision of staying with him.... Fast forward to about 4 days ago, we got into another really stupid fight and again he walked out... I let him know as he was walking out that he made me a promise that he'd never do it again... his response "I don't give a f***" and slammed the door shut. I was devastated that he really didn't even think twice about what he was doing.... I've decided to sign us up for couples counseling and our first session is tmm.... I let him know at what time and where it was and that I wanted him to go because this would pretty much be my last effort in fixing things between us... He asked me if I could reschedule because its bike week and he wanted to go with his friends... That pissed me off because I feel that the session is 10x more important than riding motorcycles with your friends which you can do any other weekend. Point is, I told him I couldn't reschedule and that again I would really want for him to go so we can work things out.

 

My deal with all this is that I feel like I am the only one making all of this effort to fix things between us, I am no saint and of course I have had my share of faults in many arguments as well, but I can admit that I easily recognize when I messed up or when I said something that I shoudn't have said and I am quick to react. Although I know not everyone is the same, I feel if you truly love someone it would affect you in some sort of way if you hurt their feelings or make them cry, etc. and it seems as though nothing phases him. He even told me the other day that I haven't left him yet because I have no where to go (I live in his hometown because thats where I went to school and after I graduated instead of moving back to my hometown where all of my family is which was 4 hrs away, I decided to stay and settle down here) which really hurt my feelings. I don't know if he is just over the relationship.. I've asked him several times if he still wants to be with me and if he loves me even, he's said yes that he wants to be with me and that he has never stopped loving me... but I ask myself then why all this horrible treatment? I don't get it...

 

What do you guys think? Should I make tmm's session count as my final effort? Is there anything I should/can do anymore at this point?

 

I really need honest opinions please... I feel like I am at the lowest, most weakest point in my life right now.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think the first problem is the fighting. If you could stop the fighting him walking out wouldn't be an issue. What are you fighting about? Why do you fight so much?

 

It sounds like an unhappy relationship filled with arguments/drama at the moment and he doesn't seem interested in sorting it out.

[zep]

Well, if its bike week that doesnt happen every weekend. I think if you were serious about fixing the relationship you would work with him and reschedule the session to a time that works for both of you.

[zep]

Also sometimes couples just aren't compatable. I think in this stage maybe individual therapy would be helpful (if one or both of you have issues that you think woudl need to fix) but if you need couples therapy, maybe you should just not be together.

 

For instance my most recent ex and I got into HORRIBLE fights. He had a really messed-up family, and fought that badly with his two previous girlfriends as well. I had 4 previous serious boyfriend with whom I *never* fought like that with. I decided that it wasn't worth couples therapy. I just needed a better match/partner. On the other hand I really think my ex should go to individual therapy because he has those problems with everyone.

[Edmund Exley]

First of all walking out isn't exactly running away. Its a chance to detach and let cooler heads prevail. Anger management therapist usually advise people to step away and cool down when things get to heated. So if after he "walks out" if you two have been able to later talk and resolve, he may be doing you both a favor.

 

Second, and this is just based on the little bit of info you provide here, learn to compromise. It appears you demand that he react at the level you expect him too. He has agreed to attend counseling, so compromise and allow him to go to bike week and reschedule. Make the bargain that if you reschedule now, then the new time is a must attend.

 

You feel like you are the one making all the effort because you are only focusing on what you expect, and you aren't happy with your expectationsnot being met. You're making ultimatiums.

[jayyy]

I think the first problem is the fighting. If you could stop the fighting him walking out wouldn't be an issue. What are you fighting about? Why do you fight so much?

 

It sounds like an unhappy relationship filled with arguments/drama at the moment and he doesn't seem interested in sorting it out.

 

We fight over petty stuff. He is very dominant and wants everything done his way no matter what, he doesn't know how to compromise. The fact that I always have to compromise with him just makes me feel as though its not a 50/50 relationship. I know I need to learn how to pick my battles, but I won't allow him to disrespect me or talk to me in a demeaning tone of voice, I am not the type to just take that sort of treatment. I feel he isn't interested in sorting it out either, but then why is he telling me he loves me and wants to be with me?

[jayyy]

Well, if its bike week that doesnt happen every weekend. I think if you were serious about fixing the relationship you would work with him and reschedule the session to a time that works for both of you.

 

Also sometimes couples just aren't compatable. I think in this stage maybe individual therapy would be helpful (if one or both of you have issues that you think woudl need to fix) but if you need couples therapy, maybe you should just not be together.

 

For instance my most recent ex and I got into HORRIBLE fights. He had a really messed-up family, and fought that badly with his two previous girlfriends as well. I had 4 previous serious boyfriend with whom I *never* fought like that with. I decided that it wasn't worth couples therapy. I just needed a better match/partner. On the other hand I really think my ex should go to individual therapy because he has those problems with everyone.

 

I know bike week doesn't happen every weekend, but we had already made plans for this session way before he even thought about bike week or atleast before he told me about it.

In addition, I wasn't very detailed with my post but I have been attending Anger Management therapy for about 2 months now.... It has definitely helped me, but I feel that I am being completely walked all over on by him because it seems as thuogh he can talk and treat me which ever way he wants and he knows I'll still be there. He has a horrible dysfunctional family and has had family problems ever since he was a little kid, I've told him countless times that he should be getting therapy because it'd help him but he doesn't want to.

[Edmund Exley]

We fight over petty stuff. He is very dominant and wants everything done his way no matter what, he doesn't know how to compromise. The fact that I always have to compromise with him just makes me feel as though its not a 50/50 relationship. I know I need to learn how to pick my battles, but I won't allow him to disrespect me or talk to me in a demeaning tone of voice, I am not the type to just take that sort of treatment. I feel he isn't interested in sorting it out either, but then why is he telling me he loves me and wants to be with me?

 

Looking back at some of your other threads, it looks like you too are at a constant battle of wills. If how you describe him above is his personality, realize that it doesn't work for you. you aren't going to change him, and he isn't going to change you. You 2 arent compatiable.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah agree with the above. It seems like a constant battle with you two. Instead of fighting you have to accept your on the same side of the fight/argument. You love eachother and want to be together so stop being on opposite sides and become on the same side and start being a team.

 

If that doesn't work out, then you may just not be compatible. If he isn't willing to compromise and you don't want to back down either, then i can't see it working out.

[jayyy]

I understand what you're saying, but for me atleast, walking out in the middle of my sentence is completely rude and disrespectful. I've told him that I don't mind if he needs a couple minutes to just chill out, maybe go to another room, shower, whatever, but leaving the house for me is not okay. It doesn't resolve anything. Plus whenever he gets back he acts as though nothing is wrong and everything is okay. I always take initative when he gets back to talk things out but he just seems annoyed. For a while, I tried to back off and not even say anything but then nothing would happen we'd never talk about it and it would just stay that way. I dont' know what else to do.

[indea08]

My boyfriend does the same thing. He claims he even knows that he's wrong when he's walking out but he just doesn't know how to deal with it. Granted we have several other issues that will eventually be our downfall, but I hate the "walking out" as well. It just makes me more angry, eapecially since ive told him countless times that i hate it. Just once I would love for us to be angry at each other and him be the one to put his arm around me and say "I still love you". But it won't happen, and I know that..so for my own sake, I will look for that in a future partner. Someone who handles conflict as I do.

[Edmund Exley]

I understand what you're saying, but for me atleast, walking out in the middle of my sentence is completely rude and disrespectful. I've told him that I don't mind if he needs a couple minutes to just chill out, maybe go to another room, shower, whatever, but leaving the house for me is not okay. It doesn't resolve anything. Plus whenever he gets back he acts as though nothing is wrong and everything is okay. I always take initative when he gets back to talk things out but he just seems annoyed. For a while, I tried to back off and not even say anything but then nothing would happen we'd never talk about it and it would just stay that way. I dont' know what else to do.

 

Like I said you really aren't compatible, and from your other threads, you are more interested in making him bend to your needs to be compatible that to finding a way to be compatible. I'm not trashing you here, but all of your threads focus on how you aren't getting what you expect from him and how that causes the bigger issues. Probably why you fight so often over things so little. Everything is a potential spark between you two and he probably feels that he is in a lose lose all the time because if you don't get what you expect from him in the way of "showing you he cares" than he is going to lose no matter what, so why bother.

 

I'm guessing he feels like he is beating his head against a brick wall with you as much as you feel your banging your head against a brick wall with him.

[jayyy]

So what would you suggest?

[Edmund Exley]

So what would you suggest?

 

 

A. Break up.

 

B. Stay together and give an honest effort to the counseling. Allow him to have his bike week, then go. I will tell you counseling is a lot more difficult than people think and its going to mean you changing just as much as him. If you think you are going to go to counseling and eventually he will see your point of view, then you are going to be majorly disappointed. Be prepared to deal with a lot of things you won't like hearing about yourself.

[Edmund Exley]

Additionally, if you expect a certain behavior from him during counseling, you will also fail. Therapy actually works less than people think because in most cases there is too much stubborness involved by one partner or another.

[zep]

I've told him countless times that he should be getting therapy because it'd help him but he doesn't want to.

 

Okay, then you should break up with him. Therapy is a difficult unguaranteed process even when the person acknowledges their problems, is committed to fixing their problems, and goes to therapy on their own accord. It doesn't work if someone else "forces" you to go.

 

Our exes sounds SO alike. My ex ended up going to therapy on his own (and its EXPENSIVE) and to be honest it didn't help him at all. He went for a few months but some habits are just too hard to break. It's really hard to change people; and therapy isn't an instant or guaranteed fix. Maybe if my ex keeps going for years he'll get better but I'm certainly not going to stick around taking his abuse in order to find out. Either should you!