How to get back my dignity and my man? Is it even possible anymore?

[cindy81]

We lived together for 4 years. The first 2 were amazing, then he started to go out with his friends (mostly women). It made me really emotional, sad, jealous, angry, insecure. We had horrible fights and then one day he said he was in love and moving out. I was so hurt and really wanted to die. We didn't speak for 2 weeks and then he started to reach out for me. We were communicating for couple of months. I was so happy and hopeful. We went out and he said, that he doesn't know what to do. He still loves me and doesn't feel that kind of a deep connection to anyone. He eventually left the new girl and came back to me. We were together for couple of weeks and he still kept in contact with the other girl. And then went back to her. It has been now more than a year. And he has left me for that girl and come back four times.

 

I feel so stupid. Me and the other woman took him back every time without any effort from his part. Like two doormats. Now he is with her. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I still want him back for good. I know it's a horrible idea, but I love him with all my heart.

 

He told me, that he wants to be with me, but can't anymore because there has been so much ugliness between us and he doesn't know is it possible to make it work. He cries a lot and assures me he loves me and cares for me, I'm like family to him. He said he isn't attracted to me sexually, but the emotional bond is so strong and he's addicted to me. And he can't imagine living his life without me. So he keeps me as a safety net and has fun with the other girl and I am waiting and hurting. He says the new girl is attractive sexually, but he said deep down in his soul he is bored. He just keeps playing these mind games with us and it needs to stop. Unfortunately I know, that you are treated the way you let yourself be treated. I have been a total idiot.

 

It's a sick situation and now I decided to cut all contact with him. I sent him a letter and said you have humiliated and betrayed me. I don't ever want to see you again.

 

Was it the right thing to do? I especially want your opinion, if you have been in a similar situation and understand what I'm going through. Because when a read my post, I can see that I don't deserve symphathy and only judgment for letting things to go so far. But I am hoping that there still is a way for me to get back my dignity and maybe when he sees (in a year or two) that I am strong, confident and beautiful, he is forced to look at me in a different way. Is it even possible, when enough time goes by or am I totally deluding myself?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It really doesn't matter what he thinks anymore...any guy who can bounce back and forth like that using two women, is a loser. No morals, no values, no integrity...the opinion of a man like that is irrelevant. The most important thing is for you to re-gain your dignity for YOURSELF. This is about you re-gaining your self-esteem so that you are once again proud of yourself...and the way to do that is to cut him out of your life for good and not think about him ever coming back...and knowing that if he ever tried to turn on the charm with you again you will not listen anymore.

[Minnie Mouse]

I applaud you for cutting off contact with him and probably in a few months you'll be more over it than you could have imagined, I think you have to be out of a situation to really see clearly how very bad it was for you

I wish you the best and remember you will feel better in time X

[daddids]

Well both you and this other girl have given him so much power, confidence and value that it is absolutely reasonable for him to treat you ( both ) the way he does. You accepted him back 4 time ( so did the other girl ) and you still want him back. You have to understand that in his eyes, you, both, appear desperate and devastated and he can do whatever he wants with you.

 

As far as getting your dignity back is concerned, you cannot change what happened in the past, what you can do now is work on your self and your life and make sure you have a better future. Cutting off all communication, even if he calls you or begs you to go back to him, being strong, doing your thing in your everyday life, such things will make you get your dignity back.

 

As for the "how to get my man back" part, I dont mean to sound like an a$$ but if you were a real life friend of mine I would probably slap you so hard that you would fall in comma for a couple of days. Why the hell would you want such a guy back? He does not respect you, does not care for you, he only wants to have fun and when he gets bored he switched partner. He is freaking using you!

Do you really want to be the toy of a "man" who disrespects you?

[Romanticism]

It really doesn't matter what he thinks anymore...any guy who can bounce back and forth like that using two women, is a loser. No morals, no values, no integrity...the opinion of a man like that is irrelevant. The most important thing is for you to re-gain your dignity for YOURSELF. This is about you re-gaining your self-esteem so that you are once again proud of yourself...and the way to do that is to cut him out of your life for good and not think about him ever coming back...and knowing that if he ever tried to turn on the charm with you again you will not listen anymore.

 

As a man, I also share these sentiments. He literally has zero excuse for this ever happening.

 

You need to erase him from your life, and do it before he ruins more of what makes you you.

[luminousone]

Yes! You did the right thing!

 

You took the first step- Now you are beginning to stand up for yourself!

 

Now begins the next step of healing. You weren't able to do that before, because you were getting fresh wounds on top of what you already had.

 

Now is the time to go No Contact. That will give you the space to heal your heart. Every time you are tempted to contact him, go on here and write it out instead.

 

Delete him from all social accounts, delete his number from your phone, and really think about how you deserve someone that is honest and true and who treats you with love and respect.

[cindy81]

Thank you for your responses. I'm surprised, that I actually feel a little bit better about myself. Maybe it is really possible to get over him. At the same time, when I picture my life without him, I just feel sharp pain in my heart.

 

The reason that this has been going on for so long is HOPE. I'm always hoping, that when I do or say the right things, then he would fall back in love with me again. And when it doesn't happen, I blame myself and feel horrible. It's like a vicious cycle and I understand, that if I don't break away from it, then he can torture me forever.

[daddids]

Glad you feel better, if that is just a little. Over time you will feel much much better, that is for sure.

 

Well, if you have to say or do the right things in order for him to fall back in love with you, then you will not be YOU. Even if he does come back, it is more than 100% sure that he will break up with you sooner or later.

 

Just think that you did ok with your life before you knew him, you can do just as fine or better after him.