What do I do in a situation like this?

[Javno]

Okay - I've been with a girl for over a year "officially" / a year and a half unofficially. I say unofficially because I met her through friends, hit it off, had amazing chemistry (we both had partners), emailed for months until she came to visit and we slept with each other. This continued for 6 months (every few weeks we would see each other) until she split up with her boyfriend (who she only saw 1-2 times a year / they were together for 3 years / he's a super nice guy) and I my girlfriend. I'm not proud of it but we were so infatuated with each other and I was unhappy with my currently relationship.

 

We started off last year to the best start seeing each other all the time. In July we went travelling and then I went to live with her in her city (another country). We were together constantly for five months. It was hard spending so much time together but i thought we had done relatively well although I did become quite complacent. At Christmas I move back to my old city to find a new job. During that time she asked me if she could see her ex-boyfriend (since he moved to the continent) to get closure - she felt really bad for how she left him. She said not to worry as she's never loved another person like she loves me. I said okay.

 

They spent four days together. They cried everyday. They told each other they were still in love and discussed whether they could be happy being with other people. She didn't sleep with him - I told her I'd be okay with it if she had. She said no.

 

She says she loves both of us. I've swung from being quite hardline, disbelieving that she couldn't want me more (attraction, sex, chemistry, personality - we've got it all) to anxious paranoia. Her friends don't know what to suggest. I split up with her in January - she was upset. We started talking again - then I split up with her at the start of February. Then we started talking again. The last time I was with her in person was 5 weeks ago - by the end of the trip she was saying she felt silly for having these feelings for him. But I left - and she's confused again. We started talking a lot more in the middle of February. Two weeks ago she became very paranoid when I told her I was going out to see my friend and his sexy friend for drinks. She called me / emailed me 10 times. I didn't reply. Woke up the next day with an email saying she didn't want me to wait anymore for her as she didn't know how long it would take for her to know what she wants. I spoke to her that evening - had a tearful goodbye. I sent her an email a few days after (I'm rubbish at preventing myself contacting her) and she said she missed me. Got really paranoid a few days later thinking she was seeing her ex as she was never online, not replying to emails. She got annoyed but said she loved / misses me but she's been staying off Skype / not replying to emails as per a suggestion from her friend. Since then I've been good - only replying when she sends me an email. It's been almost four days now since our last contact. I know she's been speaking to her ex / emailing since the whole trouble began. But I think the more I try the less she respects me. But I figure at least she knows how much I care for her. What I don't get is: why not just tell me she doesn't want to be an item? Why say she loves me / misses me / send me emails / get jealous when I'm out with friends, etc.

 

I know our relationship started off with us cheating. Not how I would have wanted something to start. But we couldn't prevent ourselves. She already left him once for me. How can she be considering going back? What do I do? I love her a lot.

[EssexMan]

It sounds like she wants whichever one of you she's not with...and since you've both shown yourselves to be tolerant of cheating to some extent, there's nothing pushing her to make a decision.

 

You could tell her that this has gone back and forth long enough, and she needs to decide once for all. If, that is, you are positive that you want her and not anybody else.