Boyfriend said "I don't deserve to be loved."

[PetiteGirl]

After 10 months of dating, I told my boyfriend that I love him. In the past he responded that he loves me too.

 

We had a fight this weekend, and at one point he asked me why do I stay with him after all the stupid things he's done to hurt me. I told him it's because I love him. My boyfriend responded by saying that this is what he is afraid of hearing it because he feels that he doesn't deserve to be loved. I asked him why does he feel that way and he answered that there are a lot of things wrong with him, such as him not really good at handling emotions and he's not really the "feeling" type of person and therefore can't relate to how I feel. He said he cares about me and loves me in a way that he knows how, but he's thinking about breaking up with me. His reason was that he doesn't want to hurt me and make me cry anymore. Well, that's been resolved this weekend and he's back to being affectionate and confident of us being good together.

 

(As a side note, he's inexperienced in relationships and does say some dumb things that caused me to take it personally or the wrong way. The way he uses language sometimes is a little odd, which caused confusion from other people as well. This usually resulted in us miscommunicating and fighting. Often the fight gets resolved and we're back to normal again. I do cry a lot, but that's the way I am with or without him. I cry when I feel frustrated or angry. Sometimes I even bring up past issues during our fights and that certainly did not help us and probably made him feel really bad. I admit sometimes I think I cry too much and have some growing up to do. Another problem is that I tend to resort to passive aggressive insults when I'm angry and that in term hurt him. )

 

What I'm doing here is venting. As readers of my post, it may seem that my relationship is pretty bad. However, his best friend, whom has been the witness of our relationship developing and my boyfriend's closest confidant, had reassured me that my boyfriend cares about me, deeply respects me and wants to make sure that our relationship works.

 

I think I'm still feeling the sadness from our fight. I feel scared that we won't work out, but my boyfriend reassured that we're ok and we are together. But now no matter how many times he spent reassuring me, I still worry and I still feel so sad. I recalled him telling me that he doesn't know where his future lies and therefore doesn't know where we'll be either. He thinks the most likely scenario is that next year he'll get promoted from his work and from there either he'll get stationed elsewhere or he'll remain in the same base. He thinks if he's going to get stationed elsewhere, that's when we decide if we should breakup or stay together by doing long distance...but he made it clear that he doesn't do long distance relationship.

 

I don't know what to think. Even thought we're together and fine right now and he's being affectionate and will reassure me as many times as I needed, I feel that I'm at a crossroad. On one hand, he treats me like a queen and is patient with me, his actions give me without a doubt that he loves me. On the other hand are the things he said about not doing long distance, not sure about his own and our future. It just sounded as if us breaking up is inevitable, and that breaks my heart.

 

I've talked to this to his best friend and friends who understand him, they said he tends to be more pessimistic. They said just give him time and he'll come around. I don't know. I'm scared and I'm crying. Even with words of encouragement, I still don't feel any better. I'm praying for strength and courage. Is it normal to feel sad after a fight like this? Am I being foolish to stay in this relationship?

 

We're planning a vacation with his family this summer, and going to his friends' wedding in Hawaii in November. I don't get my boyfriend. He said he doesn't share his life nor be in a relationship with anyone, never introduced a girlfriend to his family, yet he's making all this plans with me. He's already forwarded my summer flight schedule to his family and they told me they're looking forward to meeting me. He even asked me if I would like to talk to his family over the phone, but I didn't because I was shy. He always planned to see me at least 3 times a week; met my family and still learning different ways to impress them. So what the hell is this guy's problem if he has tried to break up with me and thought that we won't work out for the long term? Yet he acts as if we're in it for the long term. What the heck?

[Ms Darcy]

Given what he said about thinking about breaking up with you and about breaking up if he gets stationed elsewhere, I think he's OK with breaking up with you sooner or later.

 

So you are Ms Right Now versus Ms Right.

 

By the way, I am not blaming you ... but you might consider that all of the crying you are doing - and reassurance that you are needing - makes him view you more like an insecure, needy child versus a mature, confident woman who can mother his kids.

[PetiteGirl]

Ms Darcy, I think me crying so much is definitely hurting this relationship. I think every time I cried, he feels that he's not good enough and is just hurting me. It's terrible.

 

I'm thinking pulling away or even taking a break from this relationship to work on myself. A part of me can't help but wonder if my absent will have him think of me more fondly and change things for the better, but it's probably wishful thinking. I'm trying to figure out if me being immature is the reason why he can't see me as someone that's right for him. He said that I'm the woman for him, but he doesn't think that he's right for me. I'm confused.

[Ms Darcy]

Honey, he's being nice to you (in my opinion) because he doesn't think/knows you can't take the full truth.

 

You seem to be a barrel of drama and I don't think that is what he wants for the rest of his life. I am sure he can try and try to be there for you but after a while it gets old and his feelings start to change. Insecurity kills attraction.

 

What can you do about it? I would say that you need intensive therapy like yesterday and you have to focus on building a full/busy life outside of him.

[PetiteGirl]

Thank you, Ms Darcy. This confirms on what I've been suspecting that my insecurity is killing my relationship. He is being awfully nice. I wish I could turn back time and re-do this relationship, but it's impossible. I regretted the way I acted and treated him. Yet, he's still with me and he has no reason to be. He has plenty of reasons to not be in a relationship with me.

[Ms Darcy]

He has plenty of reasons to not be in a relationship with me.

 

Which is why he was considering breaking up.

 

Get rid of those reasons.

[SapphireNoir10]

I can understand how you feel. It looks like you guys have issues that have led to him questioning the relationship. I'm pretty sure I would be insecure at this point if he told me he'd been considering ending it, that he doesn't do long distance, that you'll break up if he's promoted etc. You don't really have any security in the relationship.

 

I know I couldn't be with someone wondering when the other shoe was going to drop.

[offplanet]

Ms Darcy, I think me crying so much is definitely hurting this relationship. I think every time I cried, he feels that he's not good enough and is just hurting me. It's terrible.

 

I'm thinking pulling away or even taking a break from this relationship to work on myself. A part of me can't help but wonder if my absent will have him think of me more fondly and change things for the better, but it's probably wishful thinking. I'm trying to figure out if me being immature is the reason why he can't see me as someone that's right for him. He said that I'm the woman for him, but he doesn't think that he's right for me. I'm confused.

 

When someone says they're not right for you they often mean they have doubts about being with you but don't feel able to tell you that straight out. Actually, when he said about breaking up with you before you made up from the fight that was probably his true feeling, but he didn't go through with it probably because of not wanting to devastate you. You're habit of crying easily would do two things, it would stop him being able to truly express his thoughts about the relationship, and it would tend to give him second thoughts about the wisdom of you two staying together. But whatever reasons he had for saying he wanted to break up, what he said about definitely breaking up if he gets posted elsewhere is a good sign that you'd be better off getting out of the relationship now. Don't wait for that to happen. What a waste of time that would be. It'd be also terribly bad for your self esteem to be waiting on tenterhooks for that to happen, and feeling that he didn't love you enough to do long distance if he gets transferred. He's virtually warned you ahead of time that there's a good chance you'll be breaking up in a year or whenever. Maybe by telling you this he's hoping you'll break up with him so that he doesn't have to be the one to do it. I think you should leave him or if you don't feel able to do that yet, 'take a break' as you suggested you might. It can only strengthen you. It'd be better for you to take the initiative. I wouldn't take much comfort from his friend's words that 'he'll come around...' If things were right, he wouldn't need to 'come around', he would know now after 10 months of dating.

 

Maybe you leaving would make him want you more. Maybe you actring less emotionally would make him want you more. Or maybe he still wouldn't commit. But then you'd still be better off than the way it is now. It'd be nerve racking to stay around with him, trying to 'be good' by not crying and getting emotional so as not to annoy him and knowing that if you couldn't 'measure up' he'd leave you in a year. That kind of pressure would only tend to make you more insecure and more likely to get emotional, I would think. You don't need that kind of insecurity. It'd be great if you could muster up the strength to tell him you two should break up now as it doesn't seem like you have a definite future together so why waste time.

[PetiteGirl]

It's been another emotional day. I've mustered the courage and decided that I'm going to break up with him. I have so many personal issues of my own that I don't want to drag this relationship down anymore. Most important of all I want to work on myself. It will be selfish of me to stay with him and thus preventing him from meeting someone he could be happier with. So off I went to say good bye to him...

 

I told him I wanted to let him go because I'm not healthy to be with anyone and I need the time to work on myself. I've already got my insurance together and set up an appointment with my therapist. He didn't accept the break up. Instead he told me he has his own issues that are contributing to our relationship problems. He still wanted to stay with me if we can attack our issues instead of each other. He knows he's not healthy either and he will be getting professional help as well. He thinks getting the individual help we need will help us adjust for a better "us". He explained that he's considered ending it because the more we fought the more he realized his own issues and it's not fair that I'm the receiving end of it. He thought he's been selfish of wanting me to be with him, but he thought if he truly loves me he would let me go so that I can find someone better. At the same time, he wanted to become a better person so that he can give me the love I deserved. However, he's not there yet and it wouldn't be fair for me to wait for him.

 

So the breakup didn't happen...I don't know why he still wants to stay. At least we are at the point where we both agreed that we will get individual counseling. Whether if he actually gets help or not, only time will tell. At this point, I don't know what else to think. I just want to focus on working on my own insecurities.

[Ms Darcy]

Petite, I feel for you. It must be really hard to have someone say they are considering breaking up with you and then back out. In your last post, he seems wishy washy. He wants you to attack your problems together and yet he is still considering ending it. Ugh, that is torture.

 

As hard as it is, if you are determined to break up with him then you will have to stick with it.