He keeps seeing his ex

[pseudosmile]

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. He has proposed to me twice, and while I have yet to answer that question, he has introduced me already to friends and co-workers as his wife. I love this man with all my heart and have made plans to build a life together. We talk about kids, jobs, what the good life could be like and growing old together. This is my best friend, the guy I can tell anything to. He's always been affectionate toward me until recently... Now he's always tired and doesn't have the energy for anything. He doesn't compliment me or seem to even notice when I take extra time to look good for him.

 

So last week my class got cancelled due to inclement weather so I ended up coming back home. My boyfriend didn't realize I was was returning and I hadn't told him because I wanted it to be a surprise. When I got home, he was in the shower and I noticed his laptop was on. Curious what he was up to, I went over to check out what was on the laptop. Come to find out, he had a secret email account that I didn't know about and he hadn't logged out. Of course I ransacked that inbox.

 

It turned out that ever since the beginning of our relationship dating back two years ago, my boyfriend had been consistently in contact with his ex. He had left her and then started seeing me, so I thought he was over her. Going through all the emails, it turned out that his ex wanted to get back with him. At first he kept telling her they could only be friends and that he was happy with me and couldn't see her unless she accepted that all they could ever be was nothing more than just friends. She would get whiny and start bringing up all the great times they had and how things could be like that again. She'd talk about the three years they were together and how she did so much for him and no other woman would have done the same for him. In the beginning my boyfriend would tell her he couldn't talk to her anymore if all she wanted to talk about was their past relationship. Then there would be long gaps in the dates because he wouldn't write back. Eventually, after several months of not talking, he emailed her to see how she was doing as he hadn't heard anything from her in a long time. She said she was going out again and meeting people... And that's when my boyfriend started sending her mass emails and showing interest again.

 

Apparently they have met up a few times in the last few months and had sex. I guess that would explain why he isn't as active as he used to be. When I confronted my boyfriend about this, he became angry and tried to put the blame on me by saying I shouldn't have been snooping around his personal business. We got into a very heated argument and I kicked him out in the snow with nothing but his boxers and the keys to his car. I am so angry at him and yet I feel so broken and hurt and alone and want nothing more than to have him back in my arms. I have asked him to come home, and now he refuses to come back. He says he "loves" me but right now we both need our space.

 

I'm trying to take this time away from each other to sort out my thoughts and figure out what I should do. All I know is that I love him and miss him and would take him back in a heartbeat. But at the same time, he had cheated on me not just once but a handful of times with his ex. I feel so betrayed... I thought he was happy with me and if he wasn't, he was certainly good at faking it. We've been through so much together in just two years, I don't want to just throw it all away without trying to talk things out first. But then again, I'm not sure how I will ever trust him again. This is the man who turned his back on his own family because they felt I wasn't good enough for him; this is the man who deposited all his paychecks into my individual joint account not because I asked but because he wanted to prove to me how committed he was to taking care of me for the rest of my life. I just can't even make sense of this whole situation... it just doesn't add up. If he didn't love me, then he wouldn't have made the decision to stop talking to his own family and going to holiday dinners because they kept telling him they felt he could do better. But on the other hand, if he did love me, then why would he be sleeping with his ex?

 

Sorry this turned out way longer than I thought... I've just been up all night with the same questions running circles around my head. Any thoughts? Insight? Opinions? Anything to help me sort this nightmare out. Thank you.

[SapphireNoir10]

In no way do you deserve this. I've gone through something similar...I caught my boyfriend flirting with random women online. he was truly remorseful and has stopped doing it so I forgave him. BUT if it had been anyone he knew or physical I would have ended it.

 

He clearly still has an attachment to his ex girlfriend...to me it seems like whilst you two were in the best stages he wasn't interested in her but as times gone on he has been sucked back into it. Maybe he was starting to feel unhappy? was he resentful that you'd refused his proposal twice?

 

In all honesty I think you should let him go. He isn't remorseful. he isn't trying to get you back. He should be BEGGING for another chance if he truly wanted to be with you.

 

Maybe he has gone straight into the arms of his ex...if they had been reconnecting lately it may have been more than just sex?

 

You deserve so much more than a man that could do this to you and then not even feel bad.

[Edmund Exley]

He's gone, let him keep going. This wasnt a mistake or a stupid thing that happened one night after a fight (not that thats OK either), he made a conscious decision to do this, and did it repeatedly. He created ways to sneak around from the get go. You wont ever have trust again.

[marona]

I think you should look at it from another perspective. He does not LOVE nor RESPECT you! But he loved being IN LOVE with you. Still, his actions proved he has NO respect for you. No amount of money, or breaking-it-off-with-family is worth what he did to you. I'd say yes, he was happy with you. But you weren't enough to satisfy him. You will never be able to trust this man, the fact that he blamed YOU for snooping around in his stuff (obviously with reasons to do so) instead of feeling remorse for what he did, proves his character. he just wanted the best of both worlds, and THAT was ultimately what made him happy. Not you as a person. I think you need to realise this man did not love you, and as affectionate his actions seems to be, they were never truly about you, but more about himself. You deserve better than this man and did the right thing by kicking him out.

[Ms Darcy]

I tell ya, if he cannot even keep it in his pants long enough to marry you, imagine what marriage will be like? He'll be cheating all over the place.

 

Please get in counseling and do not go back to him.

[pseudosmile]

Thank you everyone. Your words have given me strength to do one of the most difficult things I have had to do in my life. I just wish it didn't have to be this way