feeling like being unfaithful to the ex - AFTER the breakup

[tacs1895]

Anyone had any experience of feelings like this?

 

A while back, during therapy which I was having to help me get over breakup (my ex left me two years ago, still sometimes painful), I was considering whether to go into a new relationship for the first time post-breakup, and was hesitant. My therapist wondered whether I would feel 'disloyal' or even 'unfaithful' to my previous relationship, or to my ex, by starting something new. I found it a curious question, it didn't really make sense to me at the time. If anything, I felt the disloyal one was my ex, as it was she who had left in the first place, and then gone on to someone new!

 

More recently, I've just got into a romantic situation with someone else. For a variety of reasons (which I won't go into now) we're both feeling a little bit cautious about whether to take things further, so just going slowly initially. But one of her reasons is to do with her own ex, who broke up with her a year ago. She had exactly this feeling (after she and I had slept together) of feeling guilty, as though she was being unfaithful to her ex. She knows that rationally she's not being unfaithful, as their relationship is over, he left her, so there's nothing left to be unfaithful to. But yet still felt that way somehow.

 

It's a curious thing, so I'm just wondering if anyone has any experience of these kind of feelings. My thoughts are that it could be do with how much you've let go of your previous relationship. If you're still not completely over the last relationship, and maybe even still hoping for a chance of it returning, then perhaps that might be why it might feel like being unfaithful to be with someone else. Any thoughts?

[Edmund Exley]

I think if you haven't fully come to terms with the previous relationship being over, than yes, you may feel a sense of unfaithfulness. After my divorce I was still hoping for reconciliation with my ex. I began dating and after the first time sleeping with a new partner, I felt as if I did something wrong. I dated the new person for a short while and after almost each time we were together my thoughts would lead to how my ex would react if we were to get back together and she found out I was with someone, even knowing she had someone new. As I continued to heal and I finally gave up hope for reconciliation and moved on, I never experienced that again.

[Strung_Out00]

I've felt this way after a few break-ups, even though I had no reasons to feel that way. It's a totally natural feeling and will pass with time.

[bittersweet871]

I felt this way for a while after my breakup. My ex is the only person I have slept with since our breakup (don' t ask, it's a messed up situation). I still feel guilty when I make out with someone. I hold back because of it and have earned myself an interesting nickname because of it.

 

If you are not completely over it than in a sense yes, it is cheating. Though technically you are doing nothing wrong.

[Mike80]

I had sex with an ex-ex over the weekend and it was awesome. I was shocked at how passionate it was considering how Im still not over my current ex. I was boning her like there was no tomorrow.

 

That said, yes, I felt a lingering "guilt" after the deed was done. I know thats only because Im still in the "pre-acceptance" phase of the BU, but nonetheless....its a natural feeling I suppose. Eventually it will go away.

[SteelJM1]

I was prespositioned a couple weeks after my BU, but couldn't do it due to that guilty feeling. I got over that quickly after the ex started accusing me of sleeping with a friend from back home. Turns out she was projecting on me - she had started sleeping with my best friend. That tends to quell the guilt.

[gardnergirl2]

I cried the first time someone kissed me after the break up. Then I reminded myself that he had already moved a woman in so, no harm no foul.