My ex wants to remain friends

[GuyNamedBob]

Hey everyone, it's been a LONG time since I've been on here but I'd really appreciate some advice/guidance...

 

My ex-girlfriend and I met in July last year, we hit it off straight away, after only a few months we officially got together the start of December last year.

 

We had our fair share of problems before we even got together; we used to have petty arguments every now and again and we also had our 'differences' in the bedroom (which was a huge problem for her). Each time we had an argument or she reminded me that the problems we had in the bedroom were not easy to cope with, it was me that said we can work it out/get through this etc.

 

Now just last week we broke up, she told me we've been feeling like 'just friends' recently, and she can't shake that feeling or see how we can work as a couple.

 

In my mind this isn't abnormal, we've got through a lot of tough times together and we know each other very well (although, due to her past she's struggled to open up completely, but I've always been patient) and the fact we feel like friends is just a sign that we're comfortable around each other. I've tried convincing her of this, but it seems to fall on ears that refuse to accept things can change.

 

Now she wants to remain friends, this is what I need advice with; I'm in two minds as to whether it can work. I still have strong feelings for her and care for her a lot, which does provide the basis of a good friendship (and couple for that matter) but on the other hand I feel like I won't ever be able to 'add up' what has happened, and feel that if we do remain friends I will only ever want more. I've told her that I can't promise we will be friends.

 

Do I let this go and pen it up as a learning curve, or indirectly convince her that she's missing out?

 

Thanks in advance, this whole situation confuses me, so if anything is unclear please ask, I'm sure the gaps in my explanation are like that of the holes swiss cheese!

[IslandScorp]

Sorry, I just don't believe that ex's should be friends. It simply causes problems. One person usually feels more than just friendship (like you do now). If the other person gets involved with someone, the "friendship" might cause problems with the relationship with the other person. Being friendly (not bitter or angry, etc.) - that's great - but friends, no.

[markie6]

Have a good long hard think about what you want. You first !!

[GuyNamedBob]

IslandScorp: That's exactly one side of my argument; I know that if I saw her with another bloke tomorrow, that could provide everything I couldn't, it would rip me to pieces. But on the other hand I know we threw the towel in too soon, convincing her of that directly is impossible, but indirectly I'm not sure if it's worth trying.

 

Just this morning she realised that I may have been looking elsewhere to date, and brought it up (as a joke apparently), but to me the fact she mentioned it means it bothers her. I asked her straight if she ever saw us getting back together and she replied 'I don't I think I can see us getting back together' and saying that I can do what I want (implying date other people, speak to who I want) etc. But I can't help feel that that is just a front to the fact that the thought of me dating others bothers her.

[GuyNamedBob]

markie6: I wish I knew! Haha. I want to be with her as I have these feelings, but I know trying to convince her it's a good idea directly is a lost cause. I don't think I can be just friends as I know I'll always want more. But on the other hand I know we have a good basis (whether it's just friendship or more) which I wouldn't want to throw away.

[IslandScorp]

It's common that people often feel a little put off when they see an ex getting on with their life, dating others, etc. even when they know that the relationship would never have worked out in the long run. But that's pride and ego, not love. No one likes thinking of themselves as being so easily replaceable or forgettable. I think that you should think seriously about what a long term relationship will really be like with this person - and I mean a relationship beyond the bedroom. If you're already having petty arguments and she has a problem opening up - well, differences that seem small in the beginning of a relationship can become huge when the relationship starts to settle down. Sometimes, even those qualities that are appealing in the beginning starts to grate on your nerves as time goes on. So, ask yourself - is this really the right person for you for the long run? Or are you just trying to win this battle?

[GuyNamedBob]

I've never thought of it like that, at the moment she knows the love/affection (affection probably being a better word, as I never got the opportunity to declare love for her) is very much one sided, despite her best attempts to balance that out in her head. I hoped on some love level (albeit selfish) that if she saw me doing well for myself and being strong since the breakup she'd realise that she is missing out and regret not giving the relationship time.

 

Her not opening up I understood, because she had explained her past and I knew that with time it would come, but the problems in the bedroom...I always knew on some level that if she couldn't find the strength to overcome such an issue now that it would only become a problem later on with other issues in the relationship. It is a HUGE battle, but I am very stubborn and refused to throw away something I could see improving (and I hoped given the time she could as well, but I felt she threw in the towel before that could happen).

 

I could honestly see this relationship lasting years, at least 2+. but it never had the chance to blossom, she expected so much from the beginning. In some ways she compared it to her past relationships (by saying that she's never had the issues we had in the past and that 'feeling like friends' isn't normal.) which bothered me.

[ForumGuy]

Usually when someone tells you that you are "free to do what you want" it means that they consider themselves the same. You should explain to her that you are not giving up on her but that you need to put some distance between the two of you. Then exit the scene for awhile, completely disappear. This can be extremely difficult, but it is your best hope.

[GuyNamedBob]

When she said that I'm free to do what I want it did sound like a front for upset and it maybe wasn't truly what she meant. I think it was something easier to say that diffused the situation and avoided confrontation, but right now I'd rather she was honest and said if it does bother her.

 

But you're right, if I get the opportunity to say that I haven't given up on her, I will. I will exit the scene for a while.

 

As soon as we labelled ourselves as friends I slowed down the conversation and held back, just to show her that what we had WAS more than friendship.