Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I was doing so well not tempting myself to look at his personal websites... I have done goof'd. Well, I caved in and looked on my ex's Instagram, and I saw flirtatious comments back in forth with another girl who lives in another state. ( As you may know from my old threads my ex and I were long distance and we would see eachother every few months) I was completely distraught and angry calling my friend, because the reason my ex and I broke up was because of how far apart we lived, and he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with a woman. Yet, I see him flirting with a girl who lives in a different state commenting his pictures like how I use to, and he was doing the same to her with her pictures. What is worse he was claiming that she should come over to visit him and all. So much for having a hard time getting over me, *****. ( That is what he claimed when he broke up with me that getting over me would be so hard) He started hitting on this girl two weeks after we broke up. I call bull **** on this one. You know what? I am done, and I am tired of dragging my heart around in hopes that this liar of an ex of mine will come crawling back. Nope. Honestly, I thought he wasn't like any of the guy's that I dated, but I was wrong, and the only reason for the break up was out of insecurity and him flirting with other women. This is why I am now completely guarding my heart. What is your input? I know, I am done looking at his personal websites, and I should move on. I saw what I needed to see, and I regret it, but you know what they say 'you learn from your mistakes.' Also, I am thinking of mailing his stuff back, shirts, the earrings he bought, CD's he made, pictures. Do you think it's a good idea? I might just send it on his birthday, and write 'Happy Birthday! I thought you might want this. Here are the earrings you got me, I am sure your new girlfriend may enjoy them more.' I know I won't, but it's just a thought and I am going through my anger phase of grieving. Link to comment
Arise Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Im not sure if contacting him is the right way to go. I am also guilty of looking at my ex GF's profiles in the past and getting mad things I have seen. The reason why we get mad at them moving on with other ppl in their lives, suggests that we are still hurt over the past. He moved on, you should too. He has made an effort to try and forget about you immediately by hooking up with some other girl online. He probably hopes you are looking at his profile and getting your feelings hurt. Think about it, he isnt contacting you is he? Sending him comments now would only prove to the douche bag that you are not over him and then he wins. He has power over your emotions even after the break up. Dont let him win, find some one better. Link to comment
Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Im not sure if contacting him is the right way to go. I am also guilty of looking at my ex GF's profiles in the past and getting mad things I have seen. The reason why we get mad at them moving on with other ppl in their lives, suggests that we are still hurt over the past. He moved on, you should too. He has made an effort to try and forget about you immediately by hooking up with some other girl online. He probably hopes you are looking at his profile and getting your feelings hurt. Think about it, he isnt contacting you is he? Sending him comments now would only prove to the douche bag that you are not over him and then he wins. He has power over your emotions even after the break up. Dont let him win, find some one better. I feel like he is doing that myself. I mean, I have been moving on, and I can't say I am perfect, because I have been flirting myself with other guys, because I am doing my best to not let emotions take over me, and dwell on someone who broke my heart. Though, I feel like he has been snooping on my Instagram as well, which may explain more flirting between the two. It's no other excuse. Why would he say he would have a hard time getting over me if he hasn't peeked at my Instagram to see me talking to guys? I guess you can say I am partially guilty in this situation. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I think people often try to be nice during a breakup. In all honesty, it was just that you were not a right fit for him. I am sorry. Link to comment
squirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 This is a really common thing - to repeat behaviors with a new person that the dumper used to do with you as a couple. The do it to get rid of the memories. It happened to me. Consider it a bullet dodged and find someone great who lives nearby. You will. Link to comment
Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I think people often try to be nice during a breakup. In all honesty, it was just that you were not a right fit for him. I am sorry. I sadly hate to think it like that, because he lied to me about how we could make it work, and everything on how he didn't want to lose me. It disgusts me on how easy a certain individual can toy with a certain person's emotions. I even warned myself about this, but I believed he was different than other guys I was with. Lol, boy, I sure played the fool. Link to comment
squirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Also, I am thinking of mailing his stuff back, shirts, the earrings he bought, CD's he made, pictures. Do you think it's a good idea? I might just send it on his birthday, and write 'Happy Birthday! I thought you might want this. Here are the earrings you got me, I am sure your new girlfriend may enjoy them more.' I know I won't, but it's just a thought and I am going through my anger phase of grieving. Don't do this. Put his shirts in a trash bag and donate to Goodwill. Do not return the earrings or CDs. Throw them away if they make you feel bad. Do not contact him on his birthday. Link to comment
Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 This is a really common thing - to repeat behaviors with a new person that the dumper used to do with you as a couple. The do it to get rid of the memories. It happened to me. Consider it a bullet dodged and find someone great who lives nearby. You will. The funny thing about what you said is I will be moving to his state, because my best friend lives there. This is going to make great awkward situations. Link to comment
squirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 The funny thing about what you said is I will be moving to his state, because my best friend lives there. This is going to make great awkward situations. You could both be different people by that time. People change and grow. Take it one step at a time. Do what's best for you now. Link to comment
Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 You could both be different people by that time. People change and grow. Take it one step at a time. Do what's best for you now. That is true, and we left on good terms, but it is so frustrating, and stressful. I am doing what is best, and I know I am not getting back with my ex when I move to his state, but the reason I am moving there is because I fell in love with this city straight away. And my best friend lives there which makes it awesome. I just hope he won't look at me differently if we stumbled accross each other one day. And are you sure it's not a good idea to just send him his stuff? Or would that just cause problems and anger for him? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I sadly hate to think it like that, because he lied to me about how we could make it work, and everything on how he didn't want to lose me. It disgusts me on how easy a certain individual can toy with a certain person's emotions. I even warned myself about this, but I believed he was different than other guys I was with. Lol, boy, I sure played the fool. I wouldn't think of it that way. He was probably genuine and hoped that it would work with you for a while. There comes a time, though, when you realize it is not going to work and you pull the plug. So, I would not assume the worst here. His feelings changed. That's all. Link to comment
squirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 And are you sure it's not a good idea to just send him his stuff? Or would that just cause problems and anger for him? If it's not a lot of work for you to do, just send it in a box with no note. Definitely no note. Sending it is gracious enough. Link to comment
Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I wouldn't think of it that way. He was probably genuine and hoped that it would work with you for a while. There comes a time, though, when you realize it is not going to work and you pull the plug. So, I would not assume the worst here. His feelings changed. That's all. You are right, you made a valid point. I just hate that hopeful moment when you think this person is the one, and in the end it all goes down under. We did have good memories, and it wasn't a bad break up, but the fact that the situation happened kind of leaves a temporary mark until it's completely healed. Link to comment
Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 If it's not a lot of work for you to do, just send it in a box with no note. Definitely no note. Sending it is gracious enough. Alright, I will send him his stuff. I know I will keep somethings, because I am sure he has held onto a lot of things I bought him. Would the note just seem too desperate? Link to comment
squirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Alright, I will send him his stuff. I know I will keep somethings, because I am sure he has held onto a lot of things I bought him. Would the note just seem too desperate? In a word . . . yes. You're just sending it to get the job done. Nothing to talk about. Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 The second you two broke up you no longer have the right to get upset over anything he does out of his own free will. Hes free to do w/e and you are only hurting yourself by caring. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 OK, first, LDRs have a shelf life if you don't actually make plans to live in the same place within a reasonable amount of time. People get tired of the loneliness and it can descend into nothing but endless 'i miss you baby's' but no real life together. So eventually the emotion and desire to keep it going wind down. And it can become stressful and lonely too so there can be a lot of hope and plans but it is all fantasy unless you actually end up living in the same place. Or the reverse can be true, where one person in the couple really wants the fantasy and doesn't like the demands of a real life relationship in person. So he is now flirting with a new girl. Perhaps what he enjoys is the fantasy and doesn't really want to make it real on a permanent basis. And if you are expecting a real relationship rather than just light flirting and random contact every few months, he may prefer instead to strike up a series of fantasy online relationships with women he doesn't see very often, but his options are always open. The bottom line is it didn't work out for the two of you. And you ALWAYS have to take it with a grain of salt when someone says, 'i don't want a relationship right now.' what they really mean is 'i don't want a relationship WITH YOU.' So that's a given when you get that line. He was softening the blow and trying to get out easy rather than admitting he was flirting with other girls and more interested in pursuing them than you. So he tells a white lie that he doesn't want a relationship but omits the 'with you' part to soften the blow. So you know it is time to let go. He honestly won't care about your anger at this point because he is moving on, so just pack up his stuff and give it away to some worthy cause or toss it if Good Will wouldn't be interested in it. And start looking for local guys to date rather than purusing LDRs which are far more risky and more difficult than dating someone local. Link to comment
Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Or the reverse can be true, where one person in the couple really wants the fantasy and doesn't like the demands of a real life relationship in person. So he is now flirting with a new girl. Perhaps what he enjoys is the fantasy and doesn't really want to make it real on a permanent basis. And if you are expecting a real relationship rather than just light flirting and random contact every few months, he may prefer instead to strike up a series of fantasy online relationships with women he doesn't see very often, but his options are always open. I honestly think it's just a little coping mechanism and nothing serious, but knowing him it could be serious.That's how we eventually started talking with flirting, being friends and then we had a relationship. I mean he obviously lied about our relationship in the first place. There is no telling what is the real honest truth behind a lie. I just find it hard to believe he can move on so quickly. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 If he is the dumper, by the time he breaks up with you, he's already worked thru the relationship and loss in his head and is ready to go. So he may have been working up to this for a long time. He probably delayed breaking up with you much longer than from the time he actually wanted out (most people do), so by the time of the breakup, he is ready to start looking for someone new. Doesn't men he didn't value you and your relationship at one point, but it does mean at some point he decided it wasn't working for him and he started emotionally detaching himself from you until he had the courage to make the break. So it may seem 'quick' to you because you weren't prepared for it and didn't want it, but for him he may have been thinking about breaking up for a long time but didn't do it until something pushed him into it (i.e.,. maybe he spies someone new that looks interesting, and that is the impetus to push him past cowardice and guilt to actually make the break). Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Or do like I have recently done. Sell some of his stuff on ebay! Ok, I may get slammed for that one. But it has been over a year and he doesn't care enough to get the stuff, so I sold a few items. Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 This is why happened to me in a nutshell. Very common...very. Link to comment
Dawn717 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I honestly feel that was his intention, but I find it ironic since a few days before he broke up with me he was saying how he was looking forward to his parents meeting me when I flew up there. I don't think he planned it for a long time, I just think it started to occur a few days after he called me saying that his parents wanted to meet me. He was a coward before he even broke up with me. I had to force it upon him to tell me what was going on, and call me since he would ignore my texts and calls. I think in his mind he thought if he ignored me I would just be the one that initiated the break up and we could move on and he would have the sensation of guilt weighing on his shoulders. Link to comment
markie6 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Dawn , as both Lav and Gardenergirl have said this is an extremely common exit strategy. This site is littered with similar tales. Often people are blind to the warning signs but after a period of reflection they become visible. What you thought was true becomes murky and you start to realise they have been dishonest with you in some shape or form, whether that's pretending there is a future with you ( sometimes they aren't sure etc) or the lies start to unravel when you start questioning things Some will start behaving differently and hope they force you to pull the trigger , walking away guilt free but other times their behaviour can be attributed to stress so it's not always easy to tell. Breaking up with somebody you once cared about is never easy, those of us that have had to call time on a LTR can tell you it can drag on as you really don't want to hurt them, but you also want something different or your freedom. How people behave at breakup time says a lot about them , once we puzzle over the demise of the relationship we often surprise ourselves with what we learn about them. Don't beat yourself up about things you think you could have done differently as it's often the case, there is nothing you could have done to have a different situation. It's all on them and what they want. Sadly for a lot here, it just isn't us and we have to learn to accept that for what it is. Link to comment
squirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Or do like I have recently done. Sell some of his stuff on ebay! Ok, I may get slammed for that one. But it has been over a year and he doesn't care enough to get the stuff, so I sold a few items. A+ would do again. Great story. Lol. Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Don't send the stuff he gave you back, they were presents. Sending them to him on his bday only makes you look desperate and dumped. The only thing I advocate giving back are engagement rings, presents. I've said this before, he wasn't right for you if he decided to leave you. Don't take that personally, please! I'd thank my lucky stars I found out now rather than two children and a mortgage later! Angel Link to comment
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