Should I leave him?

[Bronze Goddess]

So I've been dating my boyfriend now for 4 months and I've never had this connection with anyone before (and we haven't even had sex). I know he's not a perfect person, nor am I, but deep down inside I feel he's perfect for me. We recently confessed we love each other, and introduced each other to our families. It's like we have the same core personality, and compliment each other beautifully. With the feelings I have right now, I would marry him but we have some challenges to sort through first...

 

I am 24, he is 25 and we are sort of deciding our futures. I'm an academic and am on my way to getting my PhD, he actually graduated from an adult education program with a certificate GED because he was a trouble maker in high school. He has a great job, has his own place, and takes care of himself very well. I helped him figure out what he wants to do with his future and got him enrolled in school, we are both very excited about it. He's very ambitious, and intelligent and I know he'll do it. He was never too spiritual, but now he is interested in church and we have been attending together.

 

The only problem is that he has some ghetto ways. He has this best friend who has been in prison for 8 years for beating a man nearly to death with a hammer. The poor innocent victim is now disfigured and brain damaged. My boyfriend tells me to forgive his friend because everyone makes mistakes and I shouldn't be so judgmental. I told him I'd try but I just can't get over it. He also likes to party in trashy places with his ghetto friends on weekends and get drunk, he then DRIVES HOME!! He recently hit a parked car while drunk and fled the scene, and when I confront him he promises he'll stop but continues to do it. He tells me it's irresponsible and reckless and he's sorry, but the very next weekend he's calling/texting me from a party, telling me he drove home and waking up the next morning with a hangover. He has also sold drugs in the past and has people in his life who are trying to entice him to get back into that lifestyle. He tells me he's not interested, and isn't doing it but the fact that he associates with such people bothers me.

 

I really love this guy and I love the way he makes me feel when we're together. We share everything with each other and I am really in love like never before. Am I being to judgmental? I know he has a good heart... I could be with an MD or Juris Doctorate with a ton of money who treats me like crap. I see so much promise in this relationship and I know nothing is perfect, but I love him and I'm willing to try. Please tell me if you thing I'm acting stupid because at this point I really don't know, all I do know is I want to be with him.

[annie24]

he drinks and drivers, putting innocent people on the road at risk....? do you think he's acting like a good, responsible man? Hit and run? geez.

[Bronze Goddess]

@Annie24 you're totally right. I guess I'm just hoping he'll stop. He drinks a lot though, like the only thing in his fridge is a 24 pack. I don't think he's an alcoholic, because he pays all his bills on time and holds a job. I'm just scared he's gonna hurt someone or kill himself or both.

[sunshines]

Eh people don't know what they have until it's gone. People won't grow up until something really hard hits them or they lose something or someone. He seems like he has some growing up to do and you seem like you are grown up. That seems to clash. So it's on you but you can't force people to change. You can't make people promise you anything on the way they are and how you want them to be different. Things are how they are and you either like it or you don't.

 

And do not stay with him because you feel a need to change him for the better or protect him or stop him from doing something bad in his life. It'll happen either way because he is his own person and makes his own decisions... he is still an adult.

 

My thoughts are also if you are even thinking of leaving you do want to. You just might not do it now but in the end it's something that will probably happen because the thought crossed your mind.

[Bronze Goddess]

@Sunshines, thank you for your response and it makes tons of sense. I guess I kinda do want to leave this situation but I'm really emotionally attached. I don't know how this happened in such little time without actually sleeping with him. I guess I did think I could help him become successful, especially when he enrolled in undergrad and is excited about his future. He's got so much potential, I just hate the drunken driving and hoodlum friends.

[sunshines]

You can't change someones past, present, or future but you can help to improve it (sometimes). You are in the end just going to end up sacrificing your own happiness. He may have potential but the drunken driving it's probably not going to stop. He may eventually get a DUI and that won't be any good. Do you want to be the doting gf he has to call because no one else will bail him out? Then you may miss out on school work or something important because you are bailing him out?

 

He has potential but he isn't there yet. You are there and you deserve someone who is more capable of being an adult. There may be a connection and that may be hard to find but it's worth sticking it out to find a connection and someone who truly deserves the great person you are. It's almost like a test, it's not your duty to "fix" someone or "change" someone. You have to be you and you are set in life. So you need to find someone who is on your same level.

[offplanet]

He might try to change now to please you, but after some time when things get comfortable he'd revert to what he likes and is used to. Actually he hasn't tried too hard even at this early stage. You're trying to deny your better judgement and find reasons why it's ok to stay with him, but really you know it's not good.

[discouraged]

Bronze, I can somewhat relate to your bf in the sense of not being on equal ground with the gf(ex). Speaking from experience, he will not change over night. If you are willing to work things out with him, then both of you need to sit down, talk to one another, and figure out ways to make the relationship work where both of you will be comfortable in it. If not, then I advise you to leave him and focus on your own plans/goals. Sunshine said it best:

Eh people don't know what they have until it's gone. People won't grow up until something really hard hits them or they lose something or someone.

 

A person can't change unless he does it for himself. He'll probably tell you everything you want to hear in order to keep you, but he'll revert back to his old ways. Trust me, Ive done it. It wasn't until my ex left that made realize what Ive just lost and vowed to myself to never lose someone important to me ever again because of things I lack. The loss of my ex made me think about who I am, why I became the way I am, what I really want for myself, and what I needed to do to make it happen. After MANY months, I can truly say I am not the same person I once was. I had "ghetto" friends too, but I decided to stop talking to them all. I figured I should start fresh and gain new friends that will help motivate me to keep improving myself. I'm also transferring to a university this summer and will finally live on my own. Theres more to add, but these relate to your story.

 

Do you believe he'll change permanently to keep the relationship? Are you willing to wait and see changes that might not be permanent? If he does change, is it fair to change him because of what you want? I believe something like this is a "make it or break it" issue and finding out your own answers to these questions will help you decide the outcome.

 

Oh, and if you do decide to leave him, who knows what the future may hold. He may change into someone you would accept and hit it off again. The future is open.