should i have a say in boyfriend letting his brother stay with us?

[tinam90210]

Long story short my boyfriends brother and his girlfriend broke up and he had to move out. He doesnt want to stay with him mom because shes an alcoholic, and he doesnt want to stay at his other brothers because he has a baby and hes dirty but both places are bigger than ours. My boyfriend and i place is such a tiny one bedroom that its kind of awkward to me. Hes supposed to be staying no longer than a week to a month until he finds a his own apartment but i just wish i had some sort of say in it instead of my boyfriend just automatically saying yes. Am i in the wrong or should i have been automatically cool with it?

[DN]

He should have asked I suppose but what would he have done had you said no?

[Stay_home]

Ok first of all the tiny one bedroom apartment belongs to you too. Boyfriend should've consulted on this issue with you prior to giving his brother the nod to stay. That's a bit disrespectful to you as the woman of the household and you definitely deserve a say - I understand his brother needs a place to stay, but you should be aware of what's going on in your house as well. I'm sure boyfriend would've had something to say if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

Secondly,

 

You cannot always predict how long a person may stay at your place, especially with the way the market has been and job loss left and right. One month can turn into six months at the drop of a hat. That's why you really have to be careful when you open your doors to letting people stay with you. Just the process alone to get into an apartment or a new house is at least 30 days to 90 days at the mininum. Once you factor in down payments and the money needed to save, discipline, other financial obligations to square away first, car notes, whatever.

 

That's another mouth to feed and an extra body there in the way when you want some quality time and peace of mind. At this point it seems like brother has already been given admission to stay. I would strongly encourage you to talk things over with your boyfriend because he can't go on making such huge decisions without your part.

[tinam90210]

I guess i would have said ok but no longer than a week and its still awkward to me. Im on vacation now so its ok but our couch and kitchen table are right next to each other and i eat at 530 am before work there, what do i do if the kid is still asleep? Its just things like that that will make me uncomfortable in my own house.

[LikeWater]

If I was in his situation, I'd give my girlfriend a, "Hey my brother really needs a place to stay for a bit... you don't mind, do you?"

 

The thing is, if she said no, that would probably be the end of our relationship. I'm very close with my brother. He comes first no matter what. So either it would be my girlfriend looking for the new place to stay or it would be both my brother and I looking for a place to stay.

 

My brother has been there for me in ways that no one else possibly could. He has literally saved my life. Nothing would get in the way of me helping him out.

 

So in my likely unpopular opinion, you're not in the wrong for wanting a heads up, but if you were against the brother staying, I see that as being really selfish.

[Rexcat84]

Ya this is a tough one, and its something I struggle with in my relationship as well. I love that my boyfriend would do anything for his friends/family members, but I hate how he automatically says yes even when it puts me at an awkward spot. In your case, if he ends up staying longer its going to be you who has to look like the "bad guy" and kick him out. In my case, we come from different parts of the country, and I think that were he's from being welcoming is more natural.

 

Anyways, I'm not sure if there's an answer to your question other than saying to him "next time can we handle a situation similar to this in such and such manner.." For this case, since he's already said yes I think you have to wait it out. I would eat my breakfast loudly and hope that the brother doesn't like being awoken at 5:30 every morning, enough to move out.

[EssexMan]

Put up with it - a family member or close friend in real need should always be helped when at all possible, even if it's inconvenient - but make sure (subtly) that the brother is actually actively looking for somewhere else to stay, and if he's not, bring it up with your bf.

 

If it seems like he's not moving anytime soon, there'd be nothing wrong with you trying to find alternative accommodation for him - for example, if you have a friend with a large home who would be willing to rent out a room for a while. He should understand that three of you in a small place is not sustainable long-term.

 

However, at this point, don't get mad with the brother that he's staying with you. If anyone was a bit unthinking here, it was your bf rather than his brother.

[tinam90210]

I am putting up with it i havent even said much because i didnt want to cause a dumb fight. And his mom has a house, and his other brother has a bigger place, hed just rather stay with us. I just hope when i go back to work i dont have to feel uncomfortable if hes still sleeping in the living room.

[abitbroken]

If he needed to hurry up and get out of there for a night and it was an emergency, I think it was okay to say "my brother has no place to go tonight - i told him he could crash for one night on the sofa" is reasonable. But it is not reasonable that he basically lives with you guys. If he had to move out because of a breakup = unless he was violent towards her, usually that means that the dumpee has a few days or a few weeks to move out and find a new place.

 

I agree with you - if you have a tiny one bedroom its not like there is a guest room and you should be able to agree to the terms (brother goes to work and pounds the pavement looking at temporary rooms to rent and doesn't take over your whole place.

 

You also have the right to agree that if the brother needs more time, he moves to his other brother's home where there is a guest room, etc.

 

I think that if the brother stays a month, he should contribute by buying groceries or paying a share of the cable, etc.