So it ended up happening

[gilmond]

Little bit of background about what's been going on. My friend from high school I went to her with who I flirted on and off with back in then we met up a few weeks ago to catch up and enjoy each others company. We bowled with each other last week and had a great time with each other and I signed her up for some future plans we want to go to. We have still been pretty flirty with each other nothing really happening so far except nice hugs. So yesterday we had decided that we were going to hang out with each other and I was going to make tacos. We went shopping together and visited a few places around the town to search for the perfect taco ingredients and we made some pretty awesome tacos we enjoyed together. So I started it off with a nice massage while we were watching movie. It started out as an innocent massage first the shoulders but then I went down her back and under her shirt and she cuddled up closer to me. After that I massaged her feet then she said she would rub my back. So I laid her on the couch and was in her lap and she was massaging my back and I had taken my shirt. She was rubbing my back pretty good but then she went into my pants and started rubbing my butt. I took that as the sign that she definitely wanted more so I went in for a kiss. We were making out and ended up sleeping together and it was amazing. She was absolutely gorgeous and I loved every minute of it and she ended up staying the night and cuddling with me. I am definitely going to try and make her my girlfriend now but she is still living with her bf so this may be very awkward but I'll deal with it. I just don't want her ending up getting hurt by all this or thinking it was a mistake but so far I am a very happy man. I normally don't do this either but it's very hard to control yourself in situations like this. I know I am blinded by the heat of passion and this definitely could be a life changing event for both of us and handling it needs to be very delicate.

[TheRawTruth]

Sounds like you're on Cloud 9. How have things been between you guys since then? Awkward? Or Normal? What about the boyfriend? Gonna have to give us some details there buddy.

[lavenderdove]

>>but she is still living with her bf so this may be very awkward but I'll deal with it.

 

So what has happened since that time? Is she going to leave her BF or just keep you as a side dish for when she is bored or angry with her BF? Some cheaters see it as the best of both worlds when they've got a steady partner at home and various people on the side who are eager to hook up and admire them whenever they're in the mood for a little spice.

 

You say you don't want HER to end up hurt, but what about her BF and you? I'm more concerned about him and you than i am about her. She's in the ideal spot... two men fussing and fighting over her and eager to please, while you're a beggar at her door and he's being cuckholded behind his back thinking she loves him when in reality she is betraying him.

 

Situations like this are far simpler than you think. If her relationship is bad and she wants out, then she just sits him down and tells him it isn't working out and she wants to break up and then she can be happily with you in a matter of weeks if she does do the right thing and fess up and move out. But if she does anything other than that (i.e. stays with him while giving you a bunch of excuses why she can't leave), then she just is using you AND him and enjoying being the center of attention for two men.

 

If she doesn't break up with him inside a month or so, then i'd say she's just stringing you along and enjoying you as spice on the side rhen she goes home and climbs into bed with her loving partner as if nothing ever happened.

[C0NFUSED1]

Having been(currently am) in the position of the BF you so casually throw in there. Let me say that it's pretty disgusting that people do this. You knew she had a BF and by the sound of it, pretty serious one. And not only did you not respect that enough to not make a move but you legitimately thought there was such a thing as an "innocent massage". Sorry but no, any kind of touching like that is inappropriate with someone who has a partner. You need to tell her that either she leaves her BF or you need to cut it off. It isn't fair to the other guy, or really either of you, that it happens this way.

[gilmond]

We have actually been more then normal I would say that she is just as happy as me. Boyfriend is still unaware as far as I know but she did say that she is going to talk with her boyfriend and start sorting things out. So I don't really know if she is just cheating on her long term boyfriend with me for some thrills or she actually desires to be with me. She just recently bought a condo with him the past year and said she will sort those things out. I don't really know right now if she is using me but all I can say that there was a lot of passion with our sex. I guess the next following weeks and months will be the test but I am a pretty sweet and genuine guy who likes to have fun. Being in an 8 year relationship is a long time and not be married I know I am a homewrecker in this situation and should have waited to do some of the things we did together but it was just a rush of passion and excitement.

[C0NFUSED1]

That's a lame excuse. You knowingly put yourself in that position. But I guess you're the one that has to live with it.

 

Weeks and Months? I would tell her she needs to talk to him immediately and figure out what's what. Otherwise she's stringing both of you along.

[abitbroken]

You are helping her cheat. Are you okay with this?? I would honestly not wait around. Tell her that she is welcome to contact you if she breaks it off with her boyfriend and moves out. But not before then. Also, are you comfortable being with someone who had no trouble cheating with the guy she lives with? Would you be always watching your back to make sure it didn't happen to you?

[pl3asehelp]

Having been(currently am) in the position of the BF you so casually throw in there. Let me say that it's pretty disgusting that people do this. You knew she had a BF and by the sound of it, pretty serious one. And not only did you not respect that enough to not make a move but you legitimately thought there was such a thing as an "innocent massage". Sorry but no, any kind of touching like that is inappropriate with someone who has a partner. You need to tell her that either she leaves her BF or you need to cut it off. It isn't fair to the other guy, or really either of you, that it happens this way.

 

He didn't 'legitamately' think that was an innocent massage - he just uses those words to deflect responsibility away from his actions, which were of course no where near innocent. People don't like to think of themselves negatively and will lie to themselves and others to preserve their fake good person image.

[gilmond]

There's so much to think about and yes I'm not saying I'm not a horrible person but it does take two people. I do need to tell her about her boyfriend it's just this emotional and physical connection to her is very strong. I don't know if I would be comfortable being with someone who had no trouble cheating that's kind of how my last long term relationship ended but more so mutually. I might not watch my back now but later down the line I might. 8 years is a long time to be dating someone I feel I should tell her that she needs to work things out with her current bf and that it was one night of heated passion for both of us. It was a legitamate innocent massage I do it for my friends a lot I'm just a touchy person. I've massaged my best friends sister who is married, my best friend, my co-worker it helps relax. The feelings of what I am feeling right now are just so good after having a ****ty break up that I can finally feel normal and awesome again. Maybe I'm just trying to find a connection so bad with someone that I'm not thinking rationally. I just want someone I can be in love with and come home to with a smile on my face and wrap my arms around.

[pl3asehelp]

You being a touchy person isn't an excuse and doesn't make your actions innocent - your massages obviously leads to sex. Buy her a foam roller and keep your hands off her if you legitimately care about her relaxation.

[lostandhurt]

How do you hope this will turn out? She dumps him and you both live happily ever after perhaps? OR She stays with him and keeps sleeping with you both (or possibly others as well) until the bf finds out and kicks your butt and throws her out, then you move in together and you spend all your time wondering where she is and who she is with looking for the perfect taco ingredients...

 

It is obvious neither of you have think cheating is a bad thing so more than likely it will keep repeating itself over and over again.

 

Step back and take a long look at what you have become and who she really is.

 

Lost

[PaintWithLight]

Life changing event? Wow, you are already creating your own mythology here. This girl is not free to begin new experiences like this. If she wanted you, she would break up. Now she can flip back and forth between the two of you until you are angry and frustrated.

 

This is going to end badly and you do not even seem to be aware of the bad situation that you have placed yourself in.

[TheRawTruth]

Having been(currently am) in the position of the BF you so casually throw in there. Let me say that it's pretty disgusting that people do this. You knew she had a BF and by the sound of it, pretty serious one. And not only did you not respect that enough to not make a move but you legitimately thought there was such a thing as an "innocent massage". Sorry but no, any kind of touching like that is inappropriate with someone who has a partner. You need to tell her that either she leaves her BF or you need to cut it off. It isn't fair to the other guy, or really either of you, that it happens this way.

 

I agree that she needs to end it with the boyfriend, but putting all the blame on the OP is wrong. SHE'S the CHEATER here, NOT HIM. Sure, he had a PART in it, but SHE'S the one who made a COMMITMENT to her bf, not the OP. She's the one who should be staying faithful. OP should share maybe 20% of the blame, but the majority of it is placed squarely on the GIRL, since she's the one getting sex/love/intimacy outside of her relationship.

[gilmond]

I do plan on being with her if she decides she does want to be with me. I do know there is a chance I could get my ass kicked or threated and I could continue cheating with her but you guys are right the right thing to do is to wait until she either breaks up with him or decides to stay. I do think cheating is bad and I have been faithful to all my girlfriends in the past. This is my first affair with a taken woman and everything but I do keep feeling bad about it. When I meant by life changing event I more so meant for her because she will have to end up leaving her 8 year boyfriend but I am getting a little ahead of myself. We have only really been seeing eachother for a few weeks now and only had passionate sex the one time. I'm not even sure if she just needed to get it out of her system the sex that is or what. I would have to say that we both share the blame. When I contacted her I didn't know at all that she had a boyfriend on facebook because it didn't say. When we had meet too she didn't bring it up at all until later on in the date. We kept talking and having a good time that night and then I had seen her that following tuesday to have a game of bowling and check out her condo. This woman is just very beautiful and funny and great to talk to and on top of that I have been feeling lonely so my judgement has been cloudy. I wish things were much simpiler like she completely available then I wouldn't have a problem at all.

[lostandhurt]

Going into a possible relationship with a cheater is not a good idea if you have a problem with being cheated on. If you don't then by all means tell her you really like her and when she breaks up with her bf to give you a call.

 

You can still do the right thing but you have to ignore how hot she is and see things clearly. Not easy but it is possible.

 

 

Lost

[gilmond]

So I got details about her the boyfriend and I will lay it all out. So I asked her what is going on between her and the bf she says this, "The problem is I don't know what is going on between me and him. We been fighting a lot and such. He and I don't have a lot in common. I even asked him to break up with me and he said no. Yet as you know I've asked him more then once over the last couple of years if we were going to get married he says no. If it's up to me, I wanted out of the relationship, but now the house is an issue. Honestly I don't know whats in his head, he doesn't speak much." That's word for word what she said. She also did say later on that she wishes that we contacted each other earlier and she thought about me the past 10 years. From her message about her boyfriend I gather that she doesn't want to be the one to break it off and the house/condo they bought together will be an issue considering they signed together. Trying to rush into anything with her will be next to impossible and god knows I want to see her and spend time with her and have sex with her and plan dates with her but I'm not looking at the whole picture she's not single plain and simple.

[lavenderdove]

So she's basically told you that you're a safety valve to relieve the boredom of a long term relationship. She's not going to make any decisions or take any action and just hang out and do nothing other than continue to live with him and cheat with you for as long as you'll let her.

 

The reality is this: People who are even married do share houses and finances and they still manage to find a way to split them up and exit the relationship! she could tell him it is over, and they could put the condo on the market and sell it or just walk away from it or whomever stays gets a roommate or buys the other person out, but she is doing none of that. she is still with him and making no plans to leave. So there you have it. You're spice on the side.

 

What you should do to protect yourself is to tell her that she needs to go off and figure out whether she wants to stay and work on her relationship, or make plans to leave. And that you will not see her in a dating relationship unless she leaves. You can have coffee with her AS A FRIEND now and again to see if she is moving forward on leaving, but don't 'date' her or be intimate with her until she has broken up with him and you don't have to be a dirty little secret on the side.

[abitbroken]

Cop out. When someone wants to break up with someone, they don't ask the other person to do it. They do it. She is acting like she is trapped with him. That means, the motivation of being with you is not strong, and also she is stringing you along, just like a man who "promises to leave his wife" for the mistress but keeps stalling. The relationship could also be better than she lets on.

 

I am glad that you realize that she is not single plain and simple. I highly suggest that you not only NOT date her, but you cut contact. If someday she becomes single and contacts you and you are available, that is one thing, but other than that, you need to move on and find someone single.

 

I agree with LavenderDove - but I disagree with the idea of having coffee with her because you will not be doing it as a platonic friend - you will be doing it to try to keep checking in to try to have a relationship with her. If she contacts YOU for coffee and she admits she is not single, then tell her "i am sorry, call me back when you are single." Because the ONLY reason for you to have coffee with her is if she is.

 

There is a chance of you break away, she could just find another guy who is willing to help her cheat and you were nothing more than that. If she REALLY wants to be with you, she will settle her stuff and contact you later. But do you want to be with a girl who badmouths a boyfriend and runs around on him? There are other fish in the sea.

[gilmond]

Hey guys thanks for everything so far and not beating me up to hard over this. I've asked her again if she planned on leaving her bf but she didn't have a definite answer. I think you are right that she is stringing me along. We did have plans today too but she canceled them last minute which doesn't really bother me but then I started to wonder oh well. I just need to stop all together no matter how good looking and how much fun we have because in the end it's just to spice up her life and I just feel like a second fiddle. It's just rough too because I been approaching girls and chatting with them and asking to take them out but haven't gotten anywhere yet and the first sign of a mutual interest and she's taken and we already had sex so yeah. I think the novelty of the idea of a new relationship is starting to wear off and I'm coming to my senses more. So I think I will finally tell her that once she decides to break it off that if she wants to be with me to contact me but no sooner then that.

[lavenderdove]

good for you. You don't want to sign up to play second fiddle to some other man. And she WILL cancel and change plans on you because her life revolves around this other man and not you. so if she has plans with you then he suddenly decides to spend that time with her or she can't get away without raising his suspicions, then you'll get put on the back burner and cancelled again and again.

 

If what you need is a little distraction, try some online dating. If a girl responds to your profile, then she'll be up for going out with you. And better to date several available women rather than waste your time on a woman who isn't interested in leaving her BF. She'll hook up with you perhaps when he and she don't have other plans, but she just isn't really available for more than random hookups and you are definitely second fiddle to her real life with her BF.

 

You're a nice fantasy and random distraction, but no more. People who get involved with OW and OM frequently don't get that, that they're just a side dish and will get dumped in a heartbeat if it really looks like their risking their primary partner whom they've built a life with and share homes and finances with... they want to play, but they do not want to risk their 'real' life with their spouse/partner.

[gilmond]

Hey lavenderdove I just told her that I wasn't cool with the sneaking around. That she should work things out with her boyfriend. I know this is going to sound pretty weird but she wanted me to meet her bf. How crazy is that no way would I want to meet him let alone be comfortable around him especially knowing what we did with each other and he has no clue. I wonder how many other guys she has pulled this with? I do have a problem with sneaking around I don't want any bit of that and I told her that if she wanted to be with me that she needed to do it right and she just said ok thanks. Looks like more and more I was just some added excitement to a dull life. I feel ****ty because I really want a relationship and now I feel even worse for the guy. I definitely don't want to be the one to tell the guy his girl has been cheating on him so I'll just leave it at that and discontinue seeing her.

 

On a side note I have been trying online dating and try to email a few woman but not a single response. I know I'm a pretty attractive guy because women tell me all the time but it's kind of disheartening. Oh well I'll keep trying and maybe I'll find someone while I'm at the store or in the mall.

[lostandhurt]

Good for you for doing the right thing. I am sure you feel a lot better about yourself.

 

 

Online dating is tricky but it does work. There are some great tips on here if you search for them. I can PM you some info as well and give you soe pointers that might help.

 

Just let me know. Once again Good for you!

 

Lost