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Fiance died unexpectedly last Tuesday


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I don't know where to begin. My fiance and I had been together for four years and two days. Our marriage wast set for May 13, 2013. Weekend before last, we had traveled to Destin, Florida as we were carrying out our dream of beginning our own business. We returned on monday. Monday night she ate dinner after her two youngest boys had gone to bed. A while later she began to have stomach cramps and gas. I stayed up all nigh taking care of her. I called her doctor first thing in the morning, and he suggested Gas X. I gave her Gas X first thing in the morning when the drug store opened. After an hour, it became obvious that the Gas X was not working and this wasn't just a stomach ache. Long story short, she had an intestinal blockage that was causing gas build up, while we were at the ER, it began to cut off circulation to the lower aorta. By the time they got her transferred to a different hospital, her legs had turned blue and they started a respirator. Even though paralyzed and sedated, I squeezed her hand three times, (our private signal for I love you), and she squeezed mine back. I followed the ambulance to the other hospital. Immediately I was given the bad news that she had been without lower circulation for too long and would not survive. They performed emergency surgery anyway, and confirmed that her internal organs were dead and that their was not enough circulation to keep the brain alive. I lost my soulmate at the age of 33.

I do not know how to go on. her boys went to the custody of the father, a rapist, and I am allowed nothing to do with them. He will not allow any family to see them. I don't feel that I have any connection to her and cannot even check on my boys (they had been calling me dad and I claimed them). Everything I do seems to be just going through the steps. I have no desire to go on without her. I am not going to kill myself, as I know she is in heaven and waiting for me, but I also realize that until then, I am just waiting. I feel like I am in my personal hell.


Here is a copy of a facebook post and maybe it says it best:

Our first Valentine's Day, I had flown in from a business trip and transformed a hotel room at Embassy Suites in downtown Huntsville in a matter of minutes. I had candles, rose petals, the works. Picture the absolute most magical setting possible. I had custom chocolates made and placed in a designer leather candy box that I had carried as carry on just for this occasion. First $250 for candy that I had ever spent. I had roses, with diamond solitaire earrings hidden in a dozen roses as if they were water droplets, and I had a Tiffany's bracelet hand engraved and waiting with a special poem form Lil Red Riding Hood. It was purely magical by the time that I was done. I then picked her up, blindfolded her, and drove her around for an additional 30 minutes so that she would have no idea where I was taking her. I unblindfolded her for dinner, and put it back on for the ride to the hotel. The Embassy Suites has a glass elevator, and from the time we walked in, all eyes were on her as it was apparent that this was something very special and she wasn't aware of where she was, nor what was going on. We received a standing ovation much to both of our surprise from everyone seated in Ruth's Chris and the hotel staff. She was absolutely stunning and beaming with surprise. I got her to the room where everything was already prepared. When she was un-blindfolded, her jaw hit the floor. She could never figure out how I had pulled this off since just flying back, and I would never tell her. The night went beautifully and she was treated as the princess that she was. Not content with this, I almost messed things up. You know how sometimes you fall in love with someone long before you should and you want to tell them, but you know they aren't ready to hear it. Well, I had. Throughout the night, I had been squeezing her gently three little times. She was a champ, but finally, at the end of the night, she had had enough. "Why do you keep squeezing me three times?" she asked. At this point I was beyond embarrassed and figured this would scare her off for sure. " Because I love you" is all that I could truthfully answer. At this point, I fully expected her to bolt for the door. Instead she politely told me that she could see our relationship headed that way, but she wasn't ready to say it back. I understood. Then she told me just how close I was to losing her over it. She honestly thought that I was crazy. The entire night I had been squeezing her three little times every time she turned around. She had assumed that I was OCD, or worse. Before the night was over, she whispered, just once "I love you, too."


I am in my own personal hell. Part of my soul died with her. I know that I will never recover from this. What do I do? Please help. I have lost my best friend and my soulmate. -Alan, 34

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I am so very sorry. I know that doesn't help in any way -- it must ring hollow. It's all anyone can say -- but it won't fill the cavernous hole. But my heart truly hurts for you. I can just feel the love and the inexpressible loss in your words.


I don't know if there's any chance you can see the children or communicate with them if their father will not permit it; however, if he is a felon, he is likely to be a danger to them, emotionally or otherwise. You do not indicate if there is a record of his crime, but I wonder if -- and this doesn't have to be immediately -- you might take this up with authorities and/or get legal counsel to see if this might affect the current arrangement/determination. If he was never reported, it may be hard to press charges, but I wonder if there is any possibility of that working in your favor.


This is so overwhelming, the only thing you should be doing is thinking of each moment, one at a time. Do not think about tomorrow. And I mean, literally do not think about tomorrow, as in the next day, let alone what your life is going to look like. Because it's too huge. Coming from a place where you are anticipating a whole life with someone, a wedding, and a shared dream together is like flying over the earth, looking out over everything from the sky, like a bird. Right now, what you need is to, instead of being the bird, become the ant, where all you're concerned with is the grain of sand in front of you, or getting around the blade of grass. And looking no further than that. Each moment should be like this -- being up close, where you only face a tiny bit of the world with each step. Yes, a part of your soul did die -- and as such, your world has collapsed, so meet it at its level now. Don't think of the "big picture," just stay low to the ground, because every small effort, event, and thought will feel and appear enormous.


People don't ever know the strength that they have to survive these losses until (or unless) it happens. You don't know what strength you possess, but as you continue along, you will see it emerge. You will find it.


I would also suggest that you seek support during this time from a therapist trained in bereavement, especially because you have lost your sense of a whole family as well as your beloved, and they may be able to advise you if there are any steps that can be taken (unless you've already exhausted this investigation.) Or, if you are religious, seek out the counsel and comforting presence of a pastor, rabbi, or whoever else serves in that role for you.


There are many brave and wise people who have walked in yours shoes in this forum, so there is support here, too. Keep reaching out. Here, to your friends, your family, her family. Don't bear this alone. If it helps, start a journal or blog (there is a journal section on this site), to express as you did in your facebook post whatever is coming up. Writing often helps cathart, and it is within all of us to tell our story.


Finally...as conflicted as this thought may be, and bittersweet...when you think about all the lonely souls on this planet who have never experienced the kind of love you have, hold to your heart the fact that in this relatively short period of 4 years, you had something many people don't ever find or are still looking for, but for you, it's for keeps in your heart.


My thoughts are with you. Handle yourself with great care.

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Wow, I can't even imagine what you must be feeling or going through right now. My heart hurts just reading that. I can't think of anything useful to say beyond the fact that you just need to take one moment at a time - that is the only way to work through it. As others have said, see if you can get any kind of bereavement counseling.


Again so so sorry for your loss.

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  • 2 weeks later...

First off, I am so sorry for your loss.


I too, lost my fiance, 9/22/11, we had been together 5 years and a few months. He had an epileptic seizure while driving, and didn't make it. It has been the longest, hardest road. It is now almost a year and a half later. I drank every day, and eventually tried to kill myself. I got help, and am now on the path to recovery. My fiance's family are HORRIBLE people and have done so much to me in the past year and a half, on top of our whole relationship, and that has just made it harder. He must have known how miserable and lonely I was. Went from being free and living life, house, 2 dogs, love! And then...nothing, just me and my dogs, living with my parents, at 27...but...there is a good side to this story. Along the way I met a guy...I am sure a lot of people thought it was too soon, but we started dating and became an "official" couple June 2012. In September, he and his family(which I have known for a long time, but did not know him) lost his Uncle...went in for a simple surgery, came out, was fine, and then wasn't...not that I wanted this tragedy to occur, but I think my story, and his story, made him look at life differently, I too, had learned lessons through our first few months together. His sister said to my mom in confidence, "I don't know what she did to him but he is a completely different person (for the better)" My fiance changed my life,for the first time I was HAPPY, when he passed I said, if I ever love again, I hope I can be the one changing someones life. I feel like I have completed that task. I guess I just wanted to send you a message of HOPE. My bf is so amazing, I still cry and talk about my fiance all the time, he lets me, and understands. He just wants me to be happy again, and he is trying like hell!

CHIN UP MY DEAR! It is going to be hard but YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!! Sending lots of love and strength your way!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am so, so sorry about your loss. I know there are no words to describe what you must be experiencing, or that can alleviate even a little bit of what you're experiencing. I highly, highly, highly recommend getting in contact with support groups and/or a therapist. Hospice is a really good one to talk to, and they have a lot of help available to those who have experienced loss. You are grieving more than one loss here, with the boys in the equation, and I can't stress enough how important it is for you to find support, and some ways, however small they may be, to take care of yourself. I am so sorry you're going through this. Please reach out to anyone you can.

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