Need some advice, please read.

[Muempire]

Ok, so I'm pining over my current situation and I am turning to the interwebs for some advice. Much like everyone here, I too have a break up story...sorta of, and want someones advice as to where I should go, or what I should really do. I'm going to go into some detail so here it goes. I met the woman I am with back in 2005, life took us in two different directions, we were young and we had fun, never dated but always had a strong friendship, fast forward to 2012 and I move to a new city and she so happens to move to the same city (I promise you this was not planned). We reconnect, she just got through a divorce, now has a kid, I just gotten out of a 5 year relationship of my own and was the main reason I chose to move out of my hometown.

 

I moved in Feb of 2012, started frequently hanging out with her and we began to flirt and eventually around August we decided to start really dating. She did have a fair warning at the start, she said I'm not good at relationships but with you I will try, and I agreed that this is what I wanted because I love hanging out with her and haven't felt that way in a long time. She has some emotional baggage, I discovered this early on, she would keep in contact with her ex through text, at first it didn't bother me but then it was frequent and she started showing signs of depression which would make me ask are you ok? It sucks to be with someone that you can't make happy, but that probably should have been the early flag, yet I was starting to really like her. Now we started to have sex, but see I am the nervous type when I am around someone I really like, so the first time I couldn't get my member up and she started to make me feel really bad about it, she told me a real man would be able to get it up and that there was something wrong with me. I suggested to her that it was nerves because I knew it was but she insisted on making me feel uncomfortable.

 

It took a fair amount of time to get over that but was never really OVER it in the back of my mind. She would say that foreplay is something she isn't into and that I should just be up and ready and that's how we should get into our sex life, no kissing, no touching, just mechanical. Flag number two, yes, but I really liked her and started to believe maybe there is something wrong with me. Well around November things are getting up and down, she would want me to baby sit or watch her dog or do house work for her and I felt like nothing was going in favor of me, but she would make me feel bad by saying those are normal things I should do for someone I love. Well yes, but the affection was not going my way and we would argue about it day in and day out. She would always have an excuse as to why she couldn't kiss me anymore, like my breath stinks or she's tired or school has caught up to her. Yes, I am a very patient man at times so I thought maybe when she is on break and school is not bearing down on her everything will be ok.

 

No, it only got worse, it seemed the more I did for her the less I would get in return, yet I would do more just so I could give her more reasons to like me. At this point in time we basically lived together, and I started to tell her I would like to hang out with my new room mate and she would get ultra jealous like mad that I would want to do that, but when she had something to do it was on a last second notice and never with fair warning but I am supposed to just be ok with it. At one point she stayed over her ex's house without telling me and I caught her in a lie, she pleaded with me, telling me NOTHING happened and she didn't want to lose me and I have to believe her, that was flag number....I lost count. For some reason I couldn't separate myself from the thought of being totally hers. At times when we met her friends she said I was just "a friend" and other times she would suggest I was something more, but never really telling anyone we were together. Everything lost its grip this month, and I can't seem to place blame on anybody but myself.

 

She said she needed space to me two weeks ago because I was talking about how she started to lose her affection to me, which was hardly any to begin with. Well when she said she needed space I didn't agree, I was on the defense, basically saying to me space was just another way of getting rid of me, and what could I do to make things right? We didn't talk anymore about it, went to bed, woke up and she asked me to watch her dog over the weekend as she worked. Well I did, and when she got back I figured well maybe we will talk or hang out since I just helped her out, but instead she said she couldn't hang out with me or see me, and I asked why and she just said "I can't and I'm not arguing about it". That just made something inside me click, I marched out to give her the key back and threw the sweater she got me for Christmas in her car and went inside. I felt like she just used me to watch her dog and was slowly working her way out of whatever it is we were, I deleted her off social media....but then I regretted it. I began to text her and told her I was sorry for the way I handled my emotions and she text back by saying leave her alone, she couldn't be with me right now, that I acted very stupid by doing that and she just needed space. I asked why she hated me so much now and she said she didn't hate me, I felt rejected and told her so, she said I am not rejecting you, I am just too busy. She said she didn't want to be forced into something, I told her the Valentines day gifts I got sent to her house she could just keep and she just replied back with a simple ok, that was that.

 

We haven't spoken all week, and today is Valentines day, I just feel really lost, I felt like I did everything she asked me to do, was I too needy? Was I trying to force her into something? She told one of her friends she never really wanted a boyfriend...but she didn't make it seem that way when she wanted me to do boyfriend stuff for her. I feel like it is all my fault, we were really good friends before all of this and now that is gone too. Will I ever speak to her again? I don't really know what needing space means.....this has never happened to me before and honestly I thought at least today of all days she may text me or something, but no, nothing at all. I go to sleep really nervous, I feel like I need her in my life and that I love her so much. I guess I'm just a lost person now needing some advice, is this really my fault? If I back off will she ever come back? I thought I meant way more to her but by not talking to me at all right now I guess I was wrong? If you made it through all of this, I thank you for your time and advice if you share.

[Xylitol]

I almost want to say ' you were stupid enough to love someone like that ', but truthfully you cannot help loving someone, and as the saying goes love makes blind, but that's why we are here to clear things up.

 

Love has got to go both ways, the truth is "you were used" , she completely abused your love, like putting a carrot in front of a donkey. " DO THIS donkey, and i will love you" , of course the donkey will never get the carrot, as it is being postponed in front of him, the harder he runs, the harder the carrot will move away from him.

 

The only wise thing the donkey can do is to wildly throw away the abuser from his back and run away to a new owner who will feed him real carrots (read love).

 

Of course you are not a donkey, but you may feel like that right now, but in reality its called love and given to the wrong person its like a man trying to hug a cactus he loves, it will hurt only more the harder he hugs it.

 

And as to the history you mentioned, its clear that her heart was always somewhere else, namely with her ex.

 

Long story short, she is a waste of your effort, a strict warning comes in place here. NEVER GO BACK TO HER,

 

Its ok to love her forever, but you must understand you cannot be with a person like that. It only is a pathway to your own self destruction, you need to realize you deserve MUCH better and allow yourself that happyness with someone else ok?

 

Have a good day.

[amycnote]

She is a TAKER. Pure and simple. And she took advantage of your giving nature. You need someone who can openly appreciate you and who loves you back and for gosh sakes RECIPROCATES! You gave and gave and gave and she took and took and took until she decided you didn't have anything to give that she wanted anymore. Then she was done. No wonder she said she's not good at relationships; she sounds like an absolute shrew. And this whole business about no foreplay and then bullying you about your member? What a crock of sh*t! Kissing and foreplay are more intimate than the act of sex; you deserve someone who will open herself up to you in this way and not stonewall you.

 

The way she's treated you is unacceptable, my friend. If you feel like you need her in your life, you need to evaluate what being treated like that does for you. Do you feel like you deserve what she's putting out there? Is it a self-esteem issue where you feel like she's the best you can do?

 

PLEASE take some time to focus on yourself and do whatever you can to quit thinking about her (within legal and non-self destructive limits, that is). You need time to heal and contact with her will be like picking at a scab. She is NOT worth it and you are a better human being than how she's made you feel.

Time to stand up for yourself. You can do it!