Please help me out. I dont know what to do anymore.

[TrueLoveSeeker]

Hey guys, so I will try and make this short but I lost the girl of my dreams. I am very picky with girls and LTR's so when i met her, I knew she was perfect in every way. My freshman year in college, I met her and we were best friends for 5 or 6 months. We began to date and it was amazing. She love me so much and I loved her very much. She would say that she wouldnt know what to do with herself if I wasnt in her life. The first year was amazing and we could not get enough of each other. We spent literally all of our time together when we were not in class or at work.

 

She treated me amazing and so did I. I would have done anything for her. I was always insecure yet she told me that is part of why she loves me. I let my insecurities get the best of me and I started to become something I wasn't. I started to become a jerk to her. I would say things like "i am sick of this" to her and I saw how much it hurt her. I never meant this and I hated myself for saying these things yet I never apologized. I know that I was such as ******* for doing this to the nicest girl anyone could meet. She deserved so much better.

 

We had so many ups and downs over the next year because of how I was acting. She would put up with it and still treat me amazing. I hate myself for treating her the way i did. She went on vacation with her family of a couple weeks and when she came back, she broke up with me. I cant say I blamed her for it but I finally realized everything that I had known for the past year. I knew that I was being someone that I wasnt and had to fight for her with everything I had. I wrote 12 pages worth of love letters telling her how i felt and why i was acting the way I was.

 

She told me that it was a "huge curveball" and that she would think about it. Eventually, she told me that she doesnt think she could do it anymore. I panicked and told her that I can't live without her and that I needed her. I realized i was being immature and stupid so i apologized for the way i was acting and did not talk to her for over 3 weeks. After about a month, i messaged her on facebook saying that I have learned so much and have learned a lot about myself. I asked her if she still loves me and if she still has any feelings for me. She told me that this message upset her and that she doesnt have feeling for me and that she used to love me a lot but things have changed. She said that she hopes i have a good life and goodbye.

 

I messaged her back apologizing for everything and that all i want for her is to be happy and i will stay out of her life so that she can be happy. I told her to never settle for anything like she settled for me. I do believe that she still loves me but because I was such a jerk, I dont ever expect her to talk to me again. I do truly want her to be happy and have learned to always be myself no matter what. I will respect her wishes but I just want some advice on how to proceed now. I will never contact her again unless she contacts me because I know that it will only hurt her but i just want to know what i should do for myself.

 

I am completely lost now and I feel that we were meant for each other. All i want now is for her to be happy and for her to realize who i really am.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated because I am trying to be a good person and I believe that i can only better myself from this experience. I cant forgive the things i did in my past yet i am willing to move on. I just want to know how to move on or if it is even possible. thanks.

[MikNomis]

Of course it's possible, but what you need the most right now is time apart. Nothing will help as much as that will.

[Valentine1]

What are the specific negative things you did, any examples? That will help us understand the situation better.

[TrueLoveSeeker]

I would say things like "I am sick of this" and i never told her that i loved her. She always asked me why i never told her that i loved her but i always told her it was implied. I just treated her poorly and i regret it every second of everyday. I would also say other hurtful things such as how she annoys me sometimes because of the way acts when it was actually the thing that attracted me to her. I would honestly say the complete opposite thing i felt for some stupid reason that was beyond me.

[search4answers]

Sorry to hear about the breakup man...

 

Let me first start by saying that, yes moving on is possible. Its is something that I am doing myself. I would suggest to give her some space. A LOT of it. When someone says to "have a good life" and goodbye in that context they need some time.

 

The tough part about this is that you said you want her to be happy and realize who you really are. Well, you need to ask yourself: are you the ******** that treated her bad and acted like a jerk to her, or the good dude that she met initially. Right now she thinks you are the former, so dont reach out for a while. Work on yourself, and your insecurities. Work out. Run. Read. Gain some spirituality and pick up something new. People grow from situations like heartache so make sure that if you ever get the chance to talk to her or be in her life again, you are a better version of yourself. SHOW her who you truly are.

 

Always remember that everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it wont last forever. And if things are going bad, dont worry because it cant last forever either.

 

 

S4A

[Valentine1]

I truly do not think that there is anything out of ordinary in saying "I am sick of it." Yes, it is not pleasant, but couples go through so many fights, insults and insanity. I know one thing for sure - love is patient. I personally invest and try every single thing to make my relationships work. I have gone through tremendous insults and pains with my husband (and I am in the middle of one right now), but always tried to look at the things from his perspective and tried to change some of my actions that he finds annoying. If you love, you try, you do not give up...unless everything has been done and nothing helped. Maybe it is not just you, but she moved on...Wait for a while, not too long though, try to get back. If she does not want to get back, then she simply moved on. And it might not be your fault at all, or your poor treatment (unless you were physically or verbally very abusive), but it was time for her to move on...

[TrueLoveSeeker]

I have realized that I am the good man that I was when I met her and have always been prior to meeting her. People were jealous of me(or at least my insecurities told me so) because I had her and they coerced me into becoming a person that I was not. I never physically abused her, i am not a monster. I never would think of that. I did say things that would hurt her but right after saying them, I knew that I did not mean it and I was too stupid to apologize. I dont think that i can ever initiate contact with her again because i have already hurt her too much and she does not deserve to be hurt again. I dont want to risk hurting her. I told her that I wish she never had to meet me because I caused her more pain than happiness. I do believe it is a shame that she will never know who I really was and how much i truly cared for her. I know that my life will go on and I will find happiness, it just might be on my own. I can accept that.

[Valentine1]

Do not be too hard on yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

I strongly disagree that if she felt disrespected and unloved by your actions, then she just wasn't into you. I don't think we should perpetuate a culture that if you love someone you should take their bs. That's not love (giving or taking). That's fear.

 

She is a better source on how to proceed than us and she has told you to move forward. Insecurities are not good and will continue to drive women away. Relationships bring them out so you may find yourself in this same pattern over and over. I suggest you take responsibility for your insecurities and start working on them instead of focusing on getting her back.

[Valentine1]

"I don't think we should perpetuate a culture that if you love someone you should take their bs. That's not love (giving or taking). That's fear."

 

Thanks for your comment. I am going through a relationshp issue myself, and found the abovementioned quote very helpful and enlightening for my situation. My upbringing (I am originally from a traditional country) was around the notion that you have to tolerate a lot, except physical threats, and only after trying everything and not succeeding, you may quit. I married an American guy, applied my perception of being a good wife; did not work. My husband was much nicer in the beginning and once he figured out that I put up with his bs, he kept pushing my buttons even more. Though I am financially and physically in much better shape, but seems to me that I am the one who is afraid of losing the relationship. People do not get me, but I think it might be just my fear. I do not want to end my relationship, but I want to undo the damages I have created because of my tolerance. From American culture's perspective, how can I make the guy realize that he better shape up (in a nice way though)?

[Ms Darcy]

You can never make anyone do anything ... at least not for long. You can nag and maybe he will do what you want for a while, but it will just stay the same.

 

All you can do is stand in your boundaries. To have boundaries, you have to know what is and is not acceptable to you. If he violates your boundaries then you walk away.

[TrueLoveSeeker]

Thanks Ms Darcy. I know that i need to work on my insecurities because I have no reason to be insecure. And believe me when I say that I am not focused on getting her back. I dont think I can ever get back with her after how much I hurt her, even if she forgave me and wanted me back. I just wish I knew then what I knew now.