Please help! Im stuck between my parents and girlfriend.

[Lifeiscrazy87]

I lost my job as a truck driver and moved in my parents' (mom and step-dad) apartment about a year and a half ago to get back on my feet. A few months later, they both lost their jobs (long story) and decided to move to mississippi from california. I told them to stay and find another job, but they wanted to go. Luckly when they left, I found a good job that allowed me to keep the apartment. Three months after they left, my long distance girlfriend moved in with me from Ohio. Its been 8 months now and everything is going good for us, except now my mother wants to move back to california, and that means that they will both be coming to stay with my girlfriend and I until they find another job and apartment. I know my girlfriend would not be happy about it because shes already homesick, but shes getting over it. When I told my mom that it might make my girlfriend feel uncomfortable, she was crying and started bringing up the times when she's helped me and saying that I should put her first because shes my mother. I really dont know what to do. I feel alot of pressure. Can anyone give me some ideas of what you would do in this situatuon?? Thank you.

[RedDress]

I think it's reasonable that your girlfriend would not want to live with your parents for an extended period of time. I also think it's reasonable that your mother would want you to reciprocate the help that she extended to you.

 

To me, what would be a reasonable compromise in this situation would be that you help your parents out - but for a limited amount of time (3 months max?).

 

In reality is, if someone is going to make a cross-country move, they should have some financial plan in place to do so. Maybe this means that your mother needs to save a little before coming back. Or maybe it means that only one of your parents comes back to find a job and secure some kind of living before the other follows.

 

I think a middle of the road approach is what's best. Do you think either of them will go for that? Ultimately, you can't force people to be reasonable... but I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't understand the concept of helping family out (especially when they've helped you in the past) - but I equally wouldn't want to be with someone who would let someone "mooch" off them indefinitely, either.

[Capricorn3]

I might get flamed for this, but I'm with your mother on this one. Family should be there for one another in times of need and help each other out, imo. (Well, at least that's how it works in my family without question, no matter what). You stayed at their place for over a year and a half, so I don't think it's unreasonable for them to stay with you until they are back on their feet. Sure, your girlfriend may not feel 100% comfortable with the idea, but surely she's old enough and mature enough to deal with it (unless she's still in her teens).

 

As long as everyone respects each other's space, it should work out (imo).

[Lifeiscrazy87]

RedDess thanks for that response amd what you decsribed is exactly how I feel. They both have valid feelings. The idea of finding a middle ground seems great! I havnt thought bout it like that at all. Thanks so much, im going to run the ida about one parent coming to stay first since my step dad has a job over there anyways and my mother doesnt. Thanks again!

[Lifeiscrazy87]

Capicorn you make a great point also. Thats why I feel so bad. The thing is im only 25 and my girlfriend is 19. She already misses her family back home and to have my parents move in, and they really dont know eachother that well, she will be very uncomfortable and unhappy which will put more pressure on me. Even if it was 3 months, im sure it still will be difficult. But that might be the only choice at this poin. So im leaning toward the three month time limit.

[Lifeiscrazy87]

I really appreciate you guys for the advice. Im glad I found this site.

[jordesse]

Just thought I'd give you my perspective. I'm a mother and I tend to believe that you living with your mother when you needed a place is what mothers do. They help their kids, even their 25yr old kids. Even if I was desperate, I wouldn't encroach on my son and his girlfriend, I just wouldn't. As redress said, she really should have a financial plan to make a cross country move. I think the onus is on your parents to sort out their move and living arrangements rather then putting you through a guilt trip. They made the decision to leave the apartment and it was only through you getting a good job that allowed you to keep it. What if you had to move to a share situation? Would they still expect you to put them up?

[Lifeiscrazy87]

Thanks Jordesse! That helps me feel a lot better because I figured she shouldnt put that guilt trip on me since im her son. Its like if you love me so much and we're supposed to put eachother first, why would you put all of that pressure on me if you dont have to? They live in pretty much a hotel resort in mississippi. My step dad had a job that barley pays their rent, and my mom doesnt work because of some stupid lawsuit that she's been persuing for almost a year which is not even a definite case. For almost a year ive been telling her to drop that lawsuit and get a job but she refused. Id let them stay with no question if they were out on the streets, but they have a place now!

[Lifeiscrazy87]

sorry I ment to say my step dad HAS a job now.

[jordesse]

Yes, that sounds unfair and you're right, it's not like they are out on the street. I seriously don't know why your mom would want to stay with you and your girlfriend anyway. Like I said, I have no dramas letting my sons stay with me if they need to, no matter how old they get. I'm a mom and they'll always be my babies but there is no way I'd want to reverse that role. As in, I wouldn't want to be a guest in my sons home where I'd feel like he would feel obligated to look after me. Maybe thats just me, idk

[blueidealist24]

Why don't you and your girlfriend move into another apartment and give your parents back the old one?

[Lifeiscrazy87]

Thanks alot blueidealist! That would be a perfect thing to do but its kind of hard because we live in the cheapest apartment in our area (Costa Mesa CA). The rent here is $1025 and everything around it atleast 1200 and up. Even if we moved to a cheaper area, both of our jobs are in Newport Beach which is very close to where we live now, and we only have one car, and a bike. I usually ride my bike to work and she drives if we both work at the same time. If I have no choice however, we might have to make it work somehow.

[blueidealist24]

Thanks alot blueidealist! That would be a perfect thing to do but its kind of hard because we live in the cheapest apartment in our area (Costa Mesa CA). The rent here is $1025 and everything around it atleast 1200 and up. Even if we moved to a cheaper area, both of our jobs are in Newport Beach which is very close to where we live now, and we only have one car, and a bike. I usually ride my bike to work and she drives if we both work at the same time. If I have no choice however, we might have to make it work somehow.

 

Yeah, that stinks. I think if rents are that high, your parents should let you guys keep the apartment if they are in a better financial situation (not sure if they are or not).

[Lifeiscrazy87]

Yes exactly. Ohh and im sorry I forgot to mention that this place is still in her name! Ive been paying this rent for a year now and my girlfriend has helped me pay 8 months of it. Does that mean they can legally come back without my permission?

[Lifeiscrazy87]

Oh and no theyre not in a better financial situation. They have pretty nuch nothing saved up and my stepdad would leave his job. So they both would have no other source of income.