Depression -Mix of things

[Jlizzy]

I finally managed, despite not being very well off financially, to get myself to a counsellor on Thursday which I felt was helpful but tonight I sit here swinging between ok and feeling utterly low. I finally realised earlier today that I'm suffering from a depression of sorts. I'm not talking clinical depression but life has gotten the better of me and despite knowing that I have lots of positive in my life I wind up crying quite a bit when I'm on my own and find myself feeling pretty angry at any disruption to plans particularly when my boyfriend, who's very prone to ad hoc and chopping and changing plans and arriving late, I get really upset and can't handle it. I think it's down to a need to have control on plans and things in my life....I have so much going on anyway that it would all fall apart if I don't but I think my reaction is pretty severe at the moment given the state I'm in.

 

I'm finally realising as well that I'm prone to needing to always be occupied and thus when I'm not busy working, studying or doing my sports I rely primarily on my boyfriend eg I like to be in touch or beside him...when this is not the case I find myself getting down! I think this was made worse by the fact that he pulled me in so fast with words of how much he wants to spend his life with me etc and so when we're not together I really really struggle! I can't cope with the intense up and the intense down I feel when I'm not around him. I also fear that in response to all his talk of wanting to be married and have kids etc, that whilst he continues with his things when we're not together, I've made my life revolve around him too much! It scares me how out of control I'm feeling.

 

As I grapple through this, the roots of it are linked to a sense of loss of a number of failed relationships particularly my last one that lasted 3 years and ended last summer...I don't think I properly grieved. Likewise I think I failed to properly grieve for a friend whom I watched perish in front of me over 2 years ago from cancer....I never found an outlet for all he told me of what he was going through and I never dealt with holding his hand the last time I saw him as he held my hand and told me he didn't want to die.......

 

I'm struggling......If anyone has any tips or advice on how to deal with it and cope please I'm reaching out!

Thanks

[craigslist]

Oh my word, your story has truly touched my heart.

 

I have also lost friends, and its so so sad this. I can only think what you must be going through, especially like this (big hug)!

 

On your relationship...you know its not really healthy to think that the sun can only shine when he is around. Find your own sun, your own purpose. Nobody owns you. You seem like a great girl, be one.

 

All of the best!!! Live

[Jlizzy]

Craiglist -thanks for that! Yeah I keep finding myself in scary place where I think I need to pull back a bit ie lead my own life more again....he pulled me in so fast and I fell deep and I feel disappointed and let down when he arrives 2 hours after agreed time or changes days or eg today is a day when he knows I'm really really down. He said he was so tired he needed to work and then sleep...turns out he's watching a movie or documentary There was another day some months back when my contraceptive ring had fallen out and I wound up having to get a 5 day morning after pill...this was a big deal for me and put me in really really bad form and that night too despite claims to the contrary, I felt he wasn't there for me.....I feel very very conflicted. He's wonderful and sweet and caring but the ad hoc stuff drives me mental and with the state I'm in I can't cope with it.

[becomingkate]

I'm not talking clinical depression but life has gotten the better of me and despite knowing that I have lots of positive in my life I wind up crying quite a bit when I'm on my own and find myself feeling pretty angry at any disruption to plans particularly when my boyfriend, who's very prone to ad hoc and chopping and changing plans and arriving late, I get really upset and can't handle it. I think it's down to a need to have control on plans and things in my life....

 

I think that you're somewhat codependent.

 

I am definitely codependent and am always having to work on it! Mine developed as a child because my parents were alcoholics, and I married an alcoholic, who passed away in 2002.

 

I have remarried, and my marriage is good, but I believe it's because I married a slight narcissist, who often looks for a codependent as they will put the narcissists needs above their own. It gets even more complicated as my husband is slightly codependent as well. Thank god we get along, is all I can say!

 

Anyway, please do some reading on it and ask your therapist. Here's one link:

 

link removed

 

The book I read was called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. Here's a link to wiki on it:

 

link removed