Question about No Contact

[sittinlow]

She called me last night just to talk. It was nice. Her facebook status' have been pretty confusing here recently. She has really been missing me, although not verbally saying so. I am so confused. I just want her back so badly.

[mhowe]

Taking her call is not NO CONTACT. You are back at square 1. She is using you as a crutch. Leave her alone.

[sittinlow]

from my understanding, no contact is not INITIATING contact.

[sittinlow]

at least according to the Ex2 System by Matt Huston

[mhowe]

No -- it is having no contact. Because now she gets to call, and not SAY she misses you (it is of course implied), and lean on you -- without being "with you".

 

She cannot miss you if she can call you anytime she wants. You are becoming her emotional tampon.

 

Not intiating contact is "LC" -- or NIC....but the alphabet soup is irrelevant.

 

Disappear from her life and get on with yours -- or you have no chance of being anything more than a crutch.

[markie6]

don't waste your time with things like that. Only the ex can bring the ex back. Do you want to be with somebody who doesn't want you ? You are obviously young and haven't been through many breakups and we sympathise but please don't fall for scams or anything or anybody who can tell you how to get them back

[sittinlow]

im 29 years old and divorced with two kids... thank you

[markie6]

Appologies for my bad guesswork, I would hope with lifes experiences behind you , you would have a better understanding with regard to co-ercing / tricking or being able to get somebody back, who lets face it can only bring themselves back. Please don't waste your time with scams. We see many adverts here , or people who will cast spells and all sorts of stuff designed to part people with their cash.

 

People will try anything when they are desperate and we sympathise with your pain

im 29 years old and divorced with two kids... thank you

[sittinlow]

well I didnt waste any money on it, a friend gave it to me.

[sittinlow]

No -- it is having no contact. Because now she gets to call, and not SAY she misses you (it is of course implied), and lean on you -- without being "with you".

 

She cannot miss you if she can call you anytime she wants. You are becoming her emotional tampon.

 

Not intiating contact is "LC" -- or NIC....but the alphabet soup is irrelevant.

 

Disappear from her life and get on with yours -- or you have no chance of being anything more than a crutch.

 

That helps a lot. I had a horrible day today due to my own accord... by talking to her yesterday and today, I set myself back weeks... thank you for the words of wisdom

[sittinlow]

So, a lot has happened since I last posted. As you know, I broke no contact... specifically because I started to use my head, not my heart. She has trust issues anyways so disappearing would have only compounded the issue, fact.

 

I made a decision the other night to write her a letter saying that I cannot be her friend anymore. She called me yesterday morning and I read it to her. She was hurt... bad, and got off the phone. She then shortly there after sent an influx of text messages explaining that she has lost all of her friends and its not fair that she constantly has to be the strong one and shes never allowed to break down. I asked her to call me shortly afterward.

 

For an hour and a half, she was bawling her eyes out, saying things like, it hurts so bad, her stomach was hurting so badly, she doesnt want to hurt anymore. She said she became friends with me at my request, not hers, which to be honest, I never remember asking. I told her I wanted to take the pain from her, she said she didnt know how to let me back in again. I said I do... and asked her to come down this weekend. She said okay. She will be coming down this weekend to spend time with me. She made it clear after talking last night she said, "I dont want you to get your hopes up." but thats impossible. What do I do to show her... open her eyes and be there for her?

[mhowe]

This has disaster written all over it. She is using you ---as her emotional tampon.

 

She is coming in with the stated "don't get your hopes up". She doesn't want to get back -- she just doesn't like feeling lonely. So you get to buck her up at your expense. You cannot take her pain -- it is part of growing up.

 

So -- be nice. Make her smile. And when she leaves on Sun, and you feel like an open wound -- come back here.

[sittinlow]

We'll thats what I dont understand. She has opened up to me big time. She tells me about the guy that shes "talking to..." the one she slept with once. At 1st when she told me about it, she used it against me. Now she talks to me about it, against him. Saying things like "it was so fast, I looked at him and said, 'is that it?' I asked him if he wanted to go again and he said, do you have any condoms. She responded with "uh no... thats not my job. Thats your job." She destroyed his ego basically. So the next day at work, he told her that he wanted to take things much slower. Of course that pissed her off. She admitted that she had sex with him out of anger. She says that she doesnt understand why he keeps hanging around, and admits that shes leading him on, yet cant trust.. etc. She is over at his house, with about 4 other guys that they work with just abuot every night to play video games and hang out. Her reasoning is because if she sits at home, shes gonna mope and stuff.

 

I realize that I cant take her pain, but I know that I can help her through it. Everything else hasnt worked so I started listening to myself. She also said that she wasnt interested in dating me when we 1st started talking... and we were together for a year and a half. I dont believe everything that I hear from her as far as emotions are concerned because shes conflicted right now. She still doesnt know what she wants.

 

Shes coming down because I asked her to, otherwise she would be going to the bar and getting drunk all weekend.

[sittinlow]

That being said, she has to make "a good excuse" as to why she is coming to "see her ex for the weekend"

[mhowe]

Honey --- if you want to get sucked into this -- do it. She has to come up with "excuse" to see you.

She would get drunk otherwise.

 

So, now you are her babysitter, her tampon and an ex who she doesn't want to date. But wants to make her feel better.

 

No sure where you come into this at all. Put you first. Tell her you changed your mind, or something came up. She is leading him on, she is telling YOU this.

 

Grab a backbone, grab some pride -- and realize that you cannot fix or change her. You cannot make her grow the He11 up either.

[Mike80]

DUDE

 

I logged on just to tell you....

 

this woman is straight up using you as an emotional crutch! She straight up told you not to get your hopes up, and that she has to "find an excuse" as to why she needs to come see you. If you do not pick up the phone right now, grow some balls, and tell her you've changed your mind about this weekend, you have only yourself to blame! You're just setting yourself up for disappointment. I know the thought of her going out and getting wasted scares the dog sh*t out of you.....BUT THAT'S HER CHOICE. ITS HER LIFE. You cant sit there and concern yourself with what she will be doing when you're not there to save her.

 

I'm going through a breakup myself after 2 years. Its been 3 weeks of NC for me. I'm doing it because I cant bear the thought of her updating her Twitter and FB about how much she loves her new "man" thats married and has 2 kids and because I know begging her back wont do anything but destroy my road to recovery. YOU HAVE TO LET HER GO. Easier said than done, I know...trust me, I know I know I know. But this is your only option. Otherwise, you'll be right here a week from now complaining and whining about how you feel used and confused when its clear as day there's nothing to be confused about. Be a 29 year old man with pride and tell her to kick rocks!!

[sittinlow]

Well, in response to everything that is going on, I felt I should let you all know how it went.

 

Saturday night she got here, we went to go eat and went to go dancing. We had a freaking blast (I learned how to two-step.. not that its hard). She got hammered and I drove her home, we crawled into bed, and went to sleep. Yesterday was a bit more of an emotional day. I had planned a hiking trip but had to cancel it because it got too late in the day and began to get dark. Instead, we basically just laid around all day and relaxed. We began talking about us. She and I both cried. She informed me that she has breakdowns like this every day and that she admits that Brian was a rebound. She told me that she is having so much internal conflict right now. Her heart wants to be with me but her brain is saying, "its only a matter of time." She has always been the one to know what she wants and its killing her because she doesnt know how to not know... if that makes sense. I didnt beg, I didnt plead, I just told her to let me help her, let me stand beside her and help her. She said she doesnt know how. I said I do... and I will show her. I am done talking. I am tired of promises that I keep breaking. She would break down and say things like "why couldnt you be this person before?" and "I am terrified of the though of being around you because I love you so much and it hurts so badly." We were talking and ended up deciding to take a break and go watch "The Walking Dead." When it was over, I crawled into bed and she crawled in next to me, and started to cry again. I asked her what was wrong, she said that its so hard because she instinctively wanted to put her leg over mine and cuddle up. I assured her that it's okay, that we have a history and regarless, we are comfortable with each other. She made the comment that "friends dont cuddle." and I again said, but I am not your friend. I am your best friend. No other friend will ever share what you and I have and will share. She said... "So what does that make us, friends with benefits?" I said no. I dont have those and we arent having sex.... she said that she wasnt talking about sex. I again assured her, rubbing her back and told her it was going to be okay and to just open a little and let me help. She then said "then give it time. Let me figure out who I am because I dont know anymore. I used to know and I dont know anymore. If it is meant to be, I will be here." I told her that I will always be here, regardless of her decision. I turned out the light and she rolled over. I moved up behind her and snuggled, asked her if it was okay, she paused... and said yes and I could hear her cry just a little bit. I slept with her in my arms all night. When I woke up this morning, I moved as if I was getting out of bed. She made that "hrumph" sound that she does when she doesnt want things to change. I moved closer and she wrapped up in me again. We stayed there for another couple hours asleep. I finally got up and headed to work, gave her a big hug and told her to text me. She smiled and said okay.

 

I texted her shortly afterward thanking her for a great weekend. She said she had a really good time too. I said thank you for last night and she responded with, "why? All I did was cry all night." I told her that I thank her for opening up to me, being honest with me and listening to me. I told her that I truly listened to her and she wrapped up in my arms. She said "ok." she says that when she doesnt know how to respond. So I asked her. Did you enjoy it. She said yes. I have since changed the subject.

[mhowe]

You have one very confused woman on your hands. I suggest standing by your word --- give her time.

[sittinlow]

My word have never been worth much, it's time for me to show that it's worth something now. I am not going anywhere.

[mhowe]

I didn't say to leave her, period. I meant to give her time.

 

And it is time to show you are a man of your word. In this world, that is something.

[sittinlow]

I know you didnt, I was just verbally expressing. I just dont want her to hurt anymore. I expressed to her that what I was doing wasnt just hurting her, it was hurtign everyone. I lied to everyone about lots of things, I manipulated many people to get what I wanted... when in fact, it wasnt what I wanted. I just wanted others to be happy but I had lied to myself. She eased up a lot toward the end of the night. I rubbed her shoulders for a good two hours. I was barely allowed to touch her the day prior... until we were at the bar dancing.. then she was going ape**** grinding... but that was the alcohol. LOL

[sittinlow]

and... we are back together!

[Mike80]

eh. For now.

[sittinlow]

... thanks ...

[rosasnyder811]

Now---you need to maintain communication. Insist on it. No matter how hard it is.