Things haven't been the same

[quark]

So, I already knew we had a myriad of problems.. I am too "nice" which can be taken as flirty. I find trouble standing up for myself and thus get walked over, which will aggravate him. He has trust issues and can be insanely jealous or suspicious. I am a little more adventurous, whereas he is more grounded and "safe". Despite all this, the groundwork for a great relationship is there .. ability to be honest, love, caring, understanding, etc..

 

However, somewhere along the line of a recent vacation something "snapped" in me, I guess. I spent nearly half a year planning this off the path beach vacation for the two of us. As much as I like planning an event of any kind, I found it nearly impossible to get his opinion on anything. It gets frustrating. I wanted us both to enjoy this vacation. So I did my best to keep him informed of what I was planning. He got frustrated because I wouldn't shut up about it til the day we left.

 

Well, the time finally comes for us to go on this vacation, I have a whole big list of things I want to do. And he knew about this. And we get there, and ... it kind of falls flat. All these moments I had in my mind, just didn't pan out. He complained a lot.. the heat, the bugs, etc. I wanted to experience the beautiful view outside, he didn't want to go out on the veranda. I wanted to experience the nightlife of the town, he didn't want us driving at night. I wanted to eat at an authentic little restaurant, he just wouldn't give me his opinion on anything so I passed up all the spots we could have gone. Finally, finally I get him to take a bit of a hike with me and he was completely miserable.

 

Somewhere in the middle I just gave up on trying to experience things and admitted defeat. It felt awful. I was beyond upset and feeling incrediblt resentful that I will probably never get to come here again and he is holding me back.

 

Since then, things just haven't been the same. When we got back, I started to think very seriously if I can deal with this the rest of my life. At the same time, I feel like it is also my fault because maybe I didn't express how badly I wanted to do some of these things. And there I am, having this internal breakdown and he probably has no idea. (Men never do).

 

Anyway, thats only part of it. We haven't had sex since 2013 started. We have both gained a little weight. The jealousy issue still remains, although it has gotten somewhat better. I can't even talk to him about my day at work though..because often times I will be flirted with and he will get furious.

 

I want us to get our spark back. I'm going to try. I'm not sure why I posted this, as I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do (and this is, put away my resentment.. put on my big girl pants, do some work and openly discuss things with him). Thanks for listening..

[oldenoughtoknow]

Do you think he suffers from depression? It's odd to not get excited about a vacation, and then once there, to not want to do anything.

 

Talking to him about these things would be good. Maybe marriage counseling, would he be open to that?

 

If nothing else, if your husband is the jealous type, can you find a way to talk about your day and exclude the guys that flirted with you stories?

[itsallgrand]

It doesn't really sound like he wanted that vacation to begin with. I could understand your position more if he had been enthusiastic and shown an interest in this vacation along with you, and then acted like a grump the whole time. But it sort of sounds like he got dragged along, and then you got mad at him for not going along exactly how you had wanted him to. ?

 

Also, if you say you have trouble establishing boundaries with people and with being assertive, then I don't think what he is getting upset about is that you "get flirted with" but rather, how he believes you to handle it. You saying "I can't even talk about work because often times I will get flirted with and he will get furious".....wow! Either you are blind to things on his end, or are indifferent to how he feels, or you are passive aggressive. My tendency from your one post alone is to think you are a passive aggressive person - just a blind impression from one online post, of course.

 

Issues of trusting you. Not that he HAS trust issues in general. But specifically with YOU. And potentially legit ones.

 

How about working on your issues? That might work.

[quark]

Do you think he suffers from depression?

 

Possibly a mild form, but don't we all? He deals with a lot of stress at work.

 

It doesn't really sound like he wanted that vacation to begin with.

 

You're probably right. It would have been nice to know before I started booking everything. He never gave an opinion on the location, good or bad.

 

I don't think what he is getting upset about is that you "get flirted with" but rather, how he believes you to handle it.

 

Hit the nail on the head to his exact quote. Perhaps I should elaborate. I work as a bartender, flirtation and even jack asses come with the territory. It's very hard for me to be snarky with a customer, but I am getting better at it. I'm learning you can say things when you're behind a bar that you otherwise wouldn't get away with (i.e. hostess or waitress).

 

My meek demeanor while handling advances at work has nothing to do with my integrity.

 

Also, I'm trying to work on my issues which is why I'm here. I appreciate the feedback as to what might be "wrong" with me, as it's usually hard to see for one's self.

[pinkelephant]

I was wondering what your work is like, but since you say you're a bartender, it makes sense. I'm not sure what you can do about the jealousy besides quitting your job. Personally, your bf's jealousy is out of line and isn't something you can "fix". People don't change, unless they whole heartedly want to and believes in the change.

 

Have you tried talking to him directly? I'm guessing you haven't from your post and that you want to keep dancing about it? Talking directly will tell him that you're serious, and that you mean what you say - ie, things need to be better and that things are crappy for you right now.

 

I also think that your "suffering in silence" is a bit of a martyr, passive aggressive act... tbh.

[Abigaelle]

Is he always like that? doesnt wanna go out, doesnt wanna try new things, doesnt flirt, doesnt want to be adventurous, etc?

[Edmund Exley]

I see a lot of signs of incompatibility here. Not sharing the same vacation interests will make for a long life, and having someone act like a child who didnt get his way the whole trip is another issue entirely. He wasn't happy being there, so he was going to make sure you didnt enjoy it either. Immature at best. The trust is a whole other issue. I was a bartender for a long time and as you described it comes with the territory. Being snarky with customers may impact your income in the long run, besides, why should you have to be? As long as you arent being blatently inappropriate, what is it you are doing wrong? I would argue nothing. Its almost a form of acting.

[quark]

Thank you for the replies everyone. Just wanted to come back and mention that I was able to talk to him a little bit yesterday and told him that I want to let go of the resentment and put the whole vacation thing behind us. Was he a little unwilling to do some things that I wanted to do? Sure, but no biggie. He certainly didn't act like a "child", we were able to do a lot of great stuff.

 

I told him that he is planning our next vacation though! lol.

 

I also said that I want to be able to vent about my day at work without fear that it will blow up into a huge argument. And I will do my best to put people in their place and not allow myself to be harassed by anyone.

 

And this is what I love about us..we can talk about somewhat serious topics sharing a smile with eachother. We can laugh it off and come to an understanding. We have never really had a "fight" and I like it that way. Always very respectful to eachother and willing to see the other's point of view. When it comes down to it we really are very compatible. I'm looking forward to coming out of this slump. Relationships take work.

[itsallgrand]

Good news! And thanks for further explaining your situation - your job certainly does bring more light to the situation too.