Wondering some things about relationships

[kailola]

Hi, I'm a long time reader of this entire forum but hesitated to post until now.

 

Just a quick bio, I'm 21 years old, a psychology student and not the most popular/attractive guy in the world. Suffice to say, I've never had a relationship and the prospects of one are at best remote. The loneliness bothered me for quite a while, but I slowly have made my peace with it. This of course does not mean I've given up hope completely, considering my relative young age. Statistics are against me, but who knows.

 

Like I said, I've read everything on ENotAlone for some time, and am surprised, amazed and sometimes disgusted by what people can do to hurt others in relationships, love and sex, apparently many times without any remorse. So many wrecked love stories, depressed people, etc etc. Now, I'm also coming from a family where everybody in the last three generations also had at least one divorce.

 

My question basically is this: Considering all these failed relationships and hurt people here and elsewhere, how often does this actually happen? I mean, is every relationship doomed to encounter these kind of problems? Or are we talking like 1 in a 100 here? 1 in 50? 20?

I really start to wonder if it is any use at all to try, as I doubt I could handle even half of everyones problems here.

[Scout]

There aren't any stats on this kind of thing, unless you count the 50% divorce rate. And I am not sure if that's the correct number on that one, either.

[SaSaRai]

yeah , and divorce rate is always getting worse....... I mean , really I think someone should wait until they are AT LEAST 25 until they get married..... I'm going to wait until I'm about 25-30 , because I have so many plans for building it all up. But ... thats just me

[ShySoul]

Every relationship will have it's share of problems. It's not a matter of how often things happen as it's a matter of how hard the people are willing to work on fixing what has gone wrong. I truly believe that if two people really love each other they can find a way to overcome any problem. They communicate with each other and try to avoid a minor problem from becoming something so big that it overwhelms them.

 

The reason that there are so many relationships ending in failure and even in disaster are because the people involved weren't really commited to each other. Sometimes people rush into a relationship, acting on impulse or because it feels right at the time. Then they see that a connection just isn't there. Sometimes people put there own desires or egos first and are unwilling to compromise. Instead of taking the time to work through problems, people give up.

[SecondChance]

First of all, you're wrong about the probability of you finding a relationship, especially given your young age. I know it's hard to hear, especially because you're lonely, but chances are great that you WILL find someone, and your perceived attractiveness has nothing to do with it.

 

However, in the matter of sustaining relationships, the odds are against all of us these days in America - but if you want to beat them, the best way is to be prepared - and I'm not kidding. People study or work for years to learn a job, but think they should automatically know what it takes to sustain long-term relationships, and then get depressed when they don't. Happens to all of us.

 

The single best resource I've ever found is a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Granted, you're not ready for marriage, but this author is the leader in the field of marriage research today, and his book is all about the stats you're looking for and how to make long-term relationships work. This is a very practical book on how to beat those odds that you are very wisely wondering about.

 

By the way, no book can cover every situation - but for anyone else out there - this book should be read by every couple in America trying to make a long-term relationship work. Check it out on Amazon or your local bookstore.

[kailola]

Well, I've been trying to read and learn everything I can on relationships everywhere for years now, from classic literature to lifestyle magazines, just in case I do happen to find someone, some day. Of course, I realise that such things as a love life can't be learned just from books. And I've yet to see any difference whatsoever in how I am perceived, hence why I am seriously wondering if such things help at all, to beat the odds. Thanks for the advice though.

[SecondChance]

Sorry, I meant how you perceive yourself, not how others perceive you.

 

I don't know if you're interested - but just wondering - do you have a lot of friends? What about opposite sex friends? I didn't have my first "real" relationship until I was 22, and if you read the forums here, many people don't have their first relationships until they're in their 20s.

 

Also, I was very shy around guys, introverted, awkward, and kinda overweight... so, I only met guys at/through work - (I didn't really have any guy friends). What I'm trying to say, is that I had to be friends or co-workers for awhile before a relationship would "happen," in order for me to get to know the person and feel comfortable. That's why I asked about friends - for you.

 

Anyway, sorry, this doesn't have anything to do with your original question.

[cleverme123]

They are what you make them. Some people can't deal with compromise, some people can't talk. There are lots of things that go wrong. It's just searching for the one person you find you are most compatable with and making a committment to working on things together. It's awful hard now because lots of peoples priorities are not set on home and family.

[kailola]

Well, I don't know if I have friends. I have plenty of co-workers, if that is what you mean. And yes, I noticed the large number of posts on this forum of people, often older then me, who have no relationship or never had one. Some might say that that should give me comfort, but in my perception it seems like after a certain age, it is very hard to learn (or unlearn) from previous experiences, or the lack thereof.

Logically, I suppose my original question should have been about the odds of finding a relationship, not so much about wether or not a relationship would work or fail. So absolutely no apologies needed.

[Vanilla]

The reason you read of so many broken hearts and betrayed relationships is because you're on a relationship advice forum. Chances are that most people posting here are going through a problem.

 

I come from a family of a lot of infidelity and betrayal. However, I could never be unfaithful to my partner. Its all up to the person and whatnot.

People are going to betray and hurt others in love/work/family/friendship relationships. It happens. Some people keep the same best friend forever, some old best friends grow apart. Some people work at the same company for over 20 years, some keep changing jobs for as long as they live. Some people can fall in love with their high school sweetheart, and some spend the rest of their lives searching for true love.

 

Most of us like to think the idea of love and a happy relationship is far fetched because we are trying to stay away from hurt. But every relationship, no matter how beautiful it is has its rocky parts and does bring pain, but they can last because the love and happy times outnumber the hardships. Unfortunately some go as far as being unfaithful, but not all.

 

Our society is so consumed in making movies about affairs, desperate housewives, and telling us all men cheat. Our society is that same society that sells sex more than anything to advertise. It's up to each and every own person to make their choices on what they want out of their lives and how to go about it.

 

There's nothing that can be as sweet and bitter as love. But I wouldnt change it for the world. Falling in love, and staying in love is the most amazing feeling ever. Plus after every breakup (I will admit a broken heart is such a wretched raw painful feeling)you do grow as a human being, you learn about compassion and hopefully if you really get what went wrong you will have better relationships to come.

 

Take a chance, live it up....don't let statistics or anyone else influence you on taking up falling in love. It is really beautiful

[Vanilla]

you can find a relationship, the key is finding a real relationship that will work. you just gotta take a risk. why risk your heart? when the person is worth it and sweeps you off your feet you won't even think about it twice. you'll know when its right. chances are it will come to you whne you're least expecting it or searching for it. thats the beauty of love, its full of surprises. and never forget you can find love in very unexpected places

[Iliena]

sorry, haven't read the other posts...and not quite sure what your original question is but...it seems you're a little down on relationships. which in my opinion really might stem from your disappointment in not having been in one yet and/or fear of it.

 

well, i can only speak for myself, but personality is the greater part of a relationship. being able to carry a good conversation is very attractive. so what i would suggest is that you try not to focus so much on wanting to get a relationship so badly or fearing it so much (which although your question isn't phrased as such, it seems you do want a relationship in some respects...sorry if this is wrong though). it causes all sorts of disasters...it's also quite noticeable.

 

do whatever interest you and whatever keeps you happy and sane. do all the normal healthy activities...sports, going to concerts (this is also an excellent way spot to meet people...those out of the way ones). and another thing, don't be afraid to talk to girls. strange how all the normal, perfectly nice girls don't get asked out because men assume all sorts of things. tsk tsk for assumptions (opps i made one myself didn't i? .

 

oh and may i repeat my oft repeated phrase: be friends. that's the key to any healthy relationship, in my humble opinion. relationships work out, but like anything, it takes work and lots and lots of compromise on both ends. so many people, so little time...that's why it doesn't just work the first time around..usually. but you just have to keep trying because love is the best feeling in the world and i don't think anyone should miss out on it.