boxybrown Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Last Saturday I went on a 4th date with a girl that I've been seeing for a few weeks and really like. We spent all day wandering around museums and then the entire evening in bars. Things kept getting increasingly heated over the course of the night and we got more tipsy. When I walked her back to her car, things went even further and we ended up going all the way in the back seat of her car. The problem is that this girl is fairly inexperienced when it comes to dating (27 and hasn't dated anyone since college) and when I texted her the next day to see how she was doing, she was freaked out about what happened. She said she "didn't expect it to go there" and needs " a little time to think it over" but wants to see me again. Now from my experience, when I girl says she needs "time to think things over", it rarely ends up being a good thing for me. I told her that I understood that was worried that things seemed to happen a bit quickly, but I feel very comfortable with her and what to see where the relationship goes. I told her to take all the time she needs. Later I added a bit more in an email saying that I didn't expect or intend things to go as far as they did, didn't want our first time together to make her feel bad, and that I am available to talk about it if she ever wants to. I left it there and decided to just give her space and "time to think." Haven't heard anything from her but it's been 3 days. I don't know if what I did was the right course of action and what I should do. Stay the course and just wait for her to contact me? Check in with her in a couple of days? Link to comment
EssexMan Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Give her a couple of days then send her a "just checking in to see how you are" kind of text. Don't refer to the date, she's perfectly aware of it and knows you're aware of it, no point in making it a bigger deal than it already is. Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 Give her a couple of days then send her a "just checking in to see how you are" kind of text. Don't refer to the date, she's perfectly aware of it and knows you're aware of it, no point in making it a bigger deal than it already is. Alright. I was thinking about waiting until Friday and asking her how she's doing and how her presentation (Thursday night) went. Sounds good. Arg...but the waiting. Torture. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Wait she said she neede a few days to process things on Sunday....don't leave her hanging till Friday. She's feeling a little insecure b/c she let her passion get the better of her and maybe that's not like her. If she's not very experiences she's probably a little embarrassed. The best thing you could do right now IMO is show her that you weren't just in it for the sex....Maybe text her today and say you hope she's having a good week and good luck on the presentation tomorrow. If she's responsive this will also open up the possibilty of a date this weekend. Link to comment
mustard1234 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 You've gotten some good strategy advice from people and just wanted to say high-five that you're actually into her past the heat of the moment. It's many-a-girls big fear that guys aren't concerned past the back seat of the car. Good job, she lucked out. Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 You've gotten some good strategy advice from people and just wanted to say high-five that you're actually into her past the heat of the moment. It's many-a-girls big fear that guys aren't concerned past the back seat of the car. Good job, she lucked out. Oh I'm very into her. I didn't really expect that to happen so soon (even though it was great), but that's not all I was after. We had even made plans for multiple dates (like skiing) last season. I'm thankful for the great advice but now I'm kind of conflicted as to whether I should text her today in advance of her presentation or wait until Friday! Link to comment
EssexMan Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 How about Good luck with the presentation, let me know how it goes. Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 How about Good luck with the presentation, let me know how it goes. Hmm. As much as I'd like to keep overthinking and worrying about this....that seems like a simple and effective message. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Hmm. As much as I'd like to keep overthinking and worrying about this....that seems like a simple and effective message. Yes, I like this too. It lets her know that you are thinking about her, you did listen to things she said (ugh i hate when I tell a guy I have a HUGE presentation on this night and he totally forgets or that's the one night he calls me! lol), and that you do want to hear from her again. I don't think there's any harm in that. Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 So. I texted her yesterday evening saying I hope she had a good week and wishing her good luck on her class assignment. No response yet... Over a day since I sent it, and four since I've last talked to her. Sigh. It seems like my entire dating history involves waiting to hear from girls. Link to comment
spektra Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 If she never responds, I think it's safe to say she wasn't that into you, and that this is the reason for her needing "time to think", not because she is embarrassed about what happened. Maybe she was just after sex, and now that it happened, she lost interest. It happens with women too. Either way, you handled this very nicely, and showed her you were interested in more than just sex. Ball is in her court now, but if I were you, I'd consider moving on. Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 If I haven't heard from her by early Sunday I'm considering just throwing caution to the wind and asking her out on a date. There's a concert I'm going to the next day and I'll ask her to come with me. I mean really...it will have been a week and at that point, I don't think I'd have much to lose (besides a bit of dignity). Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 If I haven't heard from her by early Sunday I'm considering just throwing caution to the wind and asking her out on a date. There's a concert I'm going to the next day and I'll ask her to come with me. I mean really...it will have been a week and at that point, I don't think I'd have much to lose (besides a bit of dignity). Are you purposely ignoring the fact that she is not responding to you? Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 Are you purposely ignoring the fact that she is not responding to you? OK fine. I'll just leave it be and not contact her again, forgoing any sense of closure. It's was just that I've been doing this "dating" thing for a while now and she didn't seem the "type" to just leave things unsaid and disappear. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 OK fine. I'll just leave it be and not contact her again, forgoing any sense of closure. It's was just that I've been doing this "dating" thing for a while now and she didn't seem the "type" to just leave things unsaid and disappear. Thats the hard part of dating, you never know how others are going to behave when they become uninterested. As for closure, it will serve you well in break ups, and lots of thngs in life, to understand that closure is not always going to happen. Sometimes just accepting that is all the closure you will get. Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 Thats the hard part of dating, you never know how others are going to behave when they become uninterested. As for closure, it will serve you well in break ups, and lots of thngs in life, to understand that closure is not always going to happen. Sometimes just accepting that is all the closure you will get. Yeah I guess I'm going through the 5 stages of grief right now, just in a different order than usual. I'm at Anger...eventually I'll get to Acceptance. I don't usually get so worked up when this happens. I guess it's the fact that I don't know for fact that she's disinterested, since she seemed to be more embarrassed or something. Also, I thought it would be different this time. Ah well. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Yeah I guess I'm going through the 5 stages of grief right now, just in a different order than usual. I'm at Anger...eventually I'll get to Acceptance. I don't usually get so worked up when this happens. I guess it's the fact that I don't know for fact that she's disinterested, since she seemed to be more embarrassed or something. Also, I thought it would be different this time. Ah well. In this age of instant gratification...you can get any info any time you need it all you have to do is pick up your cell and google it.....this is a hard but very necessary lesson to learn....people are not like a tool you can use to get instant results...they all have their own speeds and they decide weather they want to share their thoughts with you....if they don't you're out of luck. Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 In this age of instant gratification...you can get any info any time you need it all you have to do is pick up your cell and google it.....this is a hard but very necessary lesson to learn....people are not like a tool you can use to get instant results...they all have their own speeds and they decide weather they want to share their thoughts with you....if they don't you're out of luck. Well, yeah... I'm not going to deny the fact that I make up my mind pretty quickly and get fairly impatient. Waiting like this is akin to having my skin flayed off. Ok, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but still. It's unpleasant. But...I'm just going to leave it and move on. If she wants to get back to me, then great. For now, I'm going to try and put her out of my mind. Link to comment
adyghost Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 I'm right there with you... pretty much the same exact experience. Not much you can do except wait. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 I don't want to over analyze this, and I agree with what the other posters have said - if this were your average 27 year old woman. But you mentioned that she's not very experienced and hasn't dated since college. Does that imply she was in a relationship since college, or that she has been single and hasn't had sex since college? In either event, I think this changes the dynamic quite a bit from standard. I'm thinking maybe, due to her inexperience, she was looking to you to steer the dating/relationship in a safe direction. But, you both got tipsy and did something that she was no where near ready for and now associates you with an event in her life that she really didn't want to have happen. I'm not saying this is your bad, but I've found that trying to understand things from the other person's perspective will both ease my mind in the present and guide me if/when I interact with them in the future. I think your first response was the best thing you could have done, reassuring her that you're in this for a relationship and not just quick sex. Now, if this makes any sense to you and if you can load this perspective in your mind, knowing her far better than any of us, what do you think she's feeling? And what do you think she needs from you right now? If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and risk further rejection, I'm wondering if a bit of pursuit on your part right about now might make her feel a whole lot better about you and about what happened in the backseat. Not saying this is what you absolutely should do, by any means. Just something to think about. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Give her some time to contact you back. If you don't hear from her in a week or so, send her another message---just ask her how she is. After a few times of this and she doesn't respond, you have to let it go. Right now though, it is good to know that you are still there ready to be supportive. However, it is also possible that she has lost respect for you and yourself because of what happened. My first date rules are no kissing unless there is a complete spark. You went WAY beyond that. Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 9, 2013 Author Share Posted February 9, 2013 I don't want to over analyze this, and I agree with what the other posters have said - if this were your average 27 year old woman. But you mentioned that she's not very experienced and hasn't dated since college. Does that imply she was in a relationship since college, or that she has been single and hasn't had sex since college? In either event, I think this changes the dynamic quite a bit from standard. She said she hasn't dated anyone since college, I don't know if she has had sex since then. Considering how...enthusiastic she was, I think it may have been a long time. There's also another factor that might influence things. How I don't know. Apparenlly almost all her friends are guys. Any girls that she's friends with are people dating or married to her guy friends... As for asking her out again when she hasn't contacted me...I don't know. It's a real Hail Mary pass. I'm conflicted. More than usual. I've dated about 30 girls since I started OkCupid-ing 2 years ago and this situation is hard to figure out. You'd think that I'd be hardened to the horrible realities of dating by now... Give her some time to contact you back. If you don't hear from her in a week or so, send her another message---just ask her how she is. After a few times of this and she doesn't respond, you have to let it go. Right now though, it is good to know that you are still there ready to be supportive. However, it is also possible that she has lost respect for you and yourself because of what happened. My first date rules are no kissing unless there is a complete spark. You went WAY beyond that. No, it was a 4th date. We had established that there was a lot of compatibility. Earlier in the day we had even planned future dates, including a day-long skiing trip that was supposed to happen this Sunday. It hasn't yet been one week since we last talked but...you think I should be willing to wait another week? Link to comment
boxybrown Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Update to this story: She basically feels disappointed herself, feels that she doesn't know who she is because she would have looked down on that behavior before, and has lost self-respect. Now she needs to "get herself figured out" yada yada. So, despite still liking me and whatnot she's just going to throw away any chance at a relationship because of some ideal self-image she's constructed in her head. Link to comment
mustard1234 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Damn. I'm sorry things shook out like that. This kind of stuff usually happens in the gender reverse all the time. Apologies on behalf of the girl constituency. You deserve better. Link to comment
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