Ex-Husband contacting me out of the blue

[Not a rookie]

I got separated from my husband in 2011 and divorced in 2012. We

had trust issues resulting from his first wife, she cheated on

him and left him. Unfortunately he never healed from that. I have

tried everything to make him feel better and gain his trust but

it was not possible. It was unbearable for me after two years of

marriage so after an argument I told him I was leaving for a two

week vacation and never went back. I disappeared on him and

avoided any contact with him. My relatives have told him that I

do not wish to have any contact with him. He has tried really

hard to get in touch with me during our separation and divorce

but I managed to ignore all attempts. I did not even show up for

our court date and our divorce was ruled valid because I was absent.

He got a hold of me right before Christmas. I was at my parents

house visiting and he called me there to get a hold of me. He

said we needed to talk about "issues" and I told him I will get

back to him in the near future and I never did.

Today out of the blue, he sends me an email to my personal e-mail

asking me to view his Facebook profile. I was truly puzzled.

He did not know I was not coming back when I pretended to leave

for a two week vacation but yet opened a profile on Facebook

listing himself as single. I made a new profile on FB and he is not

my facebook friend. (obviously)

So I have no intention of going back to him. He met with my

relatives telling them that there are issues we need to sort out.

As far as I am concerned I am done.

I also found out that his first wife also disappeared on him,

leaving him no address or no contact details except a phone

number.

My questions are:

1) I am thinking about deleting all my online details. Everything

from Linkedin to any thing that pops up when you do a Google

search on me. Has anyone done this to have a clean slate?

2) I am also thinking about writing him a letter telling him to please

stop pursuing any contact with me and that I wish him all the

best for the future. Has anyone had a situation like mine and did

the same thing? What were the results?

3)I am also confused why he would want me to view his FB profile.

What do you guys say?

I just want to move on. I am sorry things turned out the way they

did but I want this is to be over.

[abitbroken]

First off, if you really want to know what he wants, pick up the phone and call your ex husband or meet with him. No one hear knows what he has to say.

 

Secondly, if you cancel your linkedin, etc, you are hurting yourself - you are also blocking any way old colleagues and friends you lost touch with can ever get in touch with you again. You are willing to do this because of one person. You want to live in a bubble where there are no consequences for your actions, where you get the last word and that no one else is right. And not talking to him reinforces this and keeps your world view safe. You are willing to do anything - even to your own detriment to keep that going.

 

normally, i am not big in to talking to someone about closure, but in this case, give the guy a chance to have closure. You did not woman up and go to him telling him you wanted a divorce and basically railroaded him so he couldn't try to resolve things or at least have equal say in how your property was divided or what the next step would be. All this guy probably wants is to say his peace. And in this case, I think he deserves it.

 

It almost seems you know what his deepest fears and insecurities were and decided to stick it to him for whatever reason on purpose. Because you were willing to do that, I am not convinced you did anything to help with his abandonment fears because obviously you were intending to do the same.

 

So, you have two choices. you can keep running away from this "bad bad man" and act so put upon or you can face the music and talk to him either over coffee or on the phone or whatever. I bet he will stop contacting your family if you just do this. It will all be over if you just listen to what he has to say - he deserved to do that when you left him. He deserved to be able to respond to the divorce. he can't make you stay married to him - that has passed - so what are you truly afraid?

 

Sorry I am not more sympathetic.

[Not a rookie]

After a year into our marriage he started accusing me of infidelity. He would get upset even when I talked to men on a business basis. He would not want me to wear dresses and skirts. He had to know everything I did. Before I took off, we went on a vacation together. He rarely talked to me and almost ignored me throughout our vacation. He said it was because he was not happy with the way I celebrated his birthday. I cooked for him and his family, bought him a present and big cake. He said it was not good enough and he ignored me for a week and later during our vacation. He also accused me of trying to hook up with men during our vacation. During our vacation I was in a cafe, he came marching in, fours hours later than we planned (did not bother to call and tell me that he is running late) and bullied the waiter there cause he thought we might be flirting. We had a wedding but it was a humble one, he cancelled the wedding event we wanted to have one year into our marriage, he instead took all that money and wasted it on home decor and electronics without asking me. He did lots of more hurtful things but I don't want to write an odyssey here. I got sick of being picked on, the silent treatment and the hurt so I left.