When an ex might cause problems in a new relationship

[adyghost]

First let me start off by saying my ex broke up with me in late August and we've just started communicating again about 2 months ago. It's my first attempt at the whole "let's be friends" thing.

 

I just started dating someone a few weeks ago and it's absolutely amazing so far. A few days ago I posted something on my ex's Facebook account, a Youtube video she's been searching for, and my new love interest saw it. So I promptly receive a text asking if me if my ex and I talk frequently (I told her before as well that we barely even talk to each other), telling me it's weird when stuff like that shows up in her newsfeed and she'd rather not see it. She did say she understands and respects my past history and she changed her settings so as to not see notifications involving my ex.

 

Now, I understand how my girl feels and the last thing I want to do is be disrespectful. But I just shared a video, it's not even communicating... Am I being a jerk to this girl by Facebooking with my ex? It's been three times in the past month and a half, if that...

[abitbroken]

Why are you communicating again with your ex if you have a girlfriend? This is not the case where you have an ex from 10 years ago that you stayed friends with and feel is a genuine platonic friend. If your friendship with your ex consists of sharing videos and posting on Facebook, it is not a meaningful friendship. If I were you, I would have no problem stopping the twittering, instagramming, whatever and other idle things, especially if this "started communicating again" was after you started seeing your current gf. That's just my take.

 

Your girlfriend handled it admirable, she didn't freak out, but she did let you know that she didn't find it cool. She did raise a legitimate question about your contact, etc. If you like this girl, I would stop trying to reestablish some artificial friendship with your ex.

[Hennie]

My ex has a new girlfriend and still wanted to be friends with me. She was the dumper...not sure why/how she thought I could be friends with her when my feelings for her are still the same. I finally had to tell her that I couldn't do it (it killed me every time I saw her or talked to her, my heart aches just thinking about it and about her being with someone new) and that I didn't think it'd be fair to the new girlfriend. We agreed to try 3 months NC, though 3 months is just a baseline, I guess. It's not like at the end of the 3 month period I'm going to hurry and initiate contact. So, for you, I don't know why you'd want to continue being friends with your ex. Especially if either one of you still has strong feelings - it's not fair. Especially when there's also a new girl in the picture. *shrug*

[adyghost]

I guess I'm just trying to be nice to everyone... my ex is pretty miserable right now, and while I know it's no longer my responsibility to be there for her or anything, I don't want to come off as a jerk. If I stop communicating with her I'm a jerk in her eyes and if I don't I'm a jerk in my girlfriend's eyes. It's obvious what the choice here is, it's just that I don't want to be a jerk... And yes, I know, you can't please everyone.

[Justme3]

I think that if you're still friends with your ex girlfriend and what she thinks of you is important to you, then you need to be upfront with your girlfriend and tell her this. That way she knows what's up. You giving your ex girlfriend equal value as your current girlfriend would concern me.

[abitbroken]

To rephrase the title - your EX won't cause a problem in your relationship. it is your handling of your ex/your willingness to allow communication and not establish a boundary that could hurt your relationship.

 

I don't want to come off as a jerk. If I stop communicating with her I'm a jerk in her eyes and if I don't I'm a jerk in my girlfriend's eyes

 

You are not a jerk for not sharing YouTube videos. You are only a jerk if you call your ex on the phone and call them names or smear their name. So...you can be temporarily seen as a jerk to your ex, or you can be seen as a jerk to a series of new loves when they all run into the same problem of you accepting communication from an ex so your ex doesn't "feel bad." The other option is your ex won't think you are a jerk and won't be hanging on your video sending and social media contact. What is best for YOU? Or are you not over your ex?

[His Woman]

FB only causes problems.

[adyghost]

You're right... it's all residue from my being uncertain where I stand with regards to my past relationship. I never told myself it's over, I never accepted it out loud, or ritualized it in any way. But it IS over... it probably was for some time, even before we broke up. She's gone, there's no more feeling, no more anxiousness if she calls or texts, no more thoughts of her... Nothing. All I can think about is how amazing my new crush is, how beautiful and vivacious she is. And I'm hurting her by dragging the past along.

 

Thanks guys, this forum never fails me. Time to be honest with myself and tend to the people I really do care about

[Ms Darcy]

I think if this new girl left you over this, you would have no problem ending contact with the ex.

[adyghost]

Not sure how that's supposed to help me...

 

Anyway, I'm going about unfriending and untagging myself from anything ex-related on Facebook. I'm making it my ritual

[Ms Darcy]

Not sure how that's supposed to help me...

 

Anyway, I'm going about unfriending and untagging myself from anything ex-related on Facebook. I'm making it my ritual

 

Anytime you wonder about the impact of a course of action, imagine your life without that person. It might help you avoid doing things you will regret.

[adyghost]

I spent too much time worrying about other people's feelings and not dealing with my own, which in turn can directly/indirectly hurt said people's feelings. It's hard to turn the page sometimes; that feeling of finality is hard to take, no matter what the circumstances.

[adyghost]

Just told my ex I couldn't be friends anymore... she was very understanding. I feel a ton better but now I want to talk about it with my new girl. Last night she said she needed time to figure things out and I'm unsure as to how long to wait for her. Was thinking of sending her a flower arrangement tomorrow, apologizing for my insensitivity. Would that be too soon?

[pl3asehelp]

I think so. You had your shot with your ex and now it's over. Dead end. That's the past. Focus on the present and future and building something with your current partner. If I were her, I'd be leaving you over this because there are others out there who are willing to focus 100% on their current partner and since that's what I do, I expect the same.

[camus154]

Don't send her any flowers. She has a right to be upset over this but that doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

 

See if she comes around all by herself. If she doesn't, then there will be other fish in the sea.

[EssexMan]

You've now addressed the problem, but for future reference, I'd say the way to handle this is to be upfront with any gf that you are in occasional contact with an ex/exes, but don't do it in front of them (e.g. on FB).

 

You also need to consider your own motives. If you're genuinely just sending some link to an ex as you would to any other acquaintance who you knew would find it interesting, fine. When you need to get worried is when emailing the ex is the highlight of your day and you find yourself sitting around hoping for a reply.