Boyfriend is active on multiple dating sites :(

[puppetmistress]

I'm in a semi-long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, and as far as I know, we both think we have something really great. We decided early on that we didn't want to see other people, we say "I love you," have built plans for the long-term future, etc.

 

We live in different cities right now and both work from home, so we usually alternate spending a week or two staying at each other's place. The last time I was at his house a few weeks ago, he asked me to check the weather on his phone. When I was looking for the weather app, I noticed he had an app for OkCupid on there too.

 

A few days later when I was back home, curiosity got the best of me and I made a dummy account on that site so I could do a search and see if he had a profile. Indeed, he did -- in which he was listed as "single," and had logged in just a few hours prior. To make matters worse, he apparently saw that my dummy account had looked at his profile (it had a picture of an average-to-cute girl I found on the internet, with a very generic profile I wrote in five minutes) and ended up messaging the fake-me with a flirty complement about her eyes. I wrote back asking what he was looking for on the site, and he replied with something along the lines of "Someone who shares my offbeat interests. If we meet up in person, I'll tell you about [blah blah]..." (I didn't write back after that.)

 

Needless to say, I was gutted. I'm totally not the jealous girlfriend/spying/etc. type, but I've spent the past week watching his log-in habits out of morbid curiosity, and it seems he checks the site four or five times a day, sometimes more, and sometimes in the middle of the night. (He gets insomnia often.) And on a whim, I ended up searching for him on a couple other dating sites as well, and found he has profiles there too, all of which he's been active on within the past 24 hours.

 

I feel like my trust is completely shattered. I tried broaching the subject indirectly by telling him how I used to have an account on OKCupid and took it down after I started dating my last boyfriend, but he just sort of ignored it and continued the conversation in a different direction.

 

Come to think of it, last time I stayed with him, he told me he was going out to run some errands and meet up with a friend who had some leftover cake to give him... when he left he was slathered in cologne (which I didn't even know he owned, and never wears around me). He's often very vague about what he's doing during the day when we're apart, and never gives specific names or descriptions of the "friends" he goes out to lunch with, etc.

 

I don't know what to do at this point, but I feel so sick inside. Should I confront him about it? If so, how? Is there any way I'm overreacting and what he's doing might be innocent? I can tell that all of his profiles were made a long time ago; is it possible he just checks those accounts out of habit a this point? (To his credit, his OkCupid profile says he's only looking for new friends -- but he was clearly flirting with the fake profile.)

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Lambert]

I would break it off. I think you are kidding yourself. Wearing cologne to meet a friend while you are there visiting? I am sorry-- i think he is just stringing you along until he meets someone else. He is a selfish loser that doesn't want to be alone for one minute! I would be so mad, I'd end it. You deserve so much better.

 

If you really think he is just looking for friends, why don't you ask him as the phony profile? You know, when was his last relationship etc. I would really have fun with that. Maybe even set up to meet him and then show up as yourself. What a pig.

[annie24]

I think you have all the evidence you need. I'm sorry. You know what to do.

[EssexMan]

Should I confront him about it? If so, how?

 

You could say something like I noticed you had an OkCupid app on your phone. I was interested to see what your profile said, and I was surprised to find you're still logging on every day. Why's that?

 

Make it a question, rather than a direct accusation of anything in particular, so that he has to explain and can't simply deny.

 

Is there any way I'm overreacting and what he's doing might be innocent?

 

I don't see that it can be totally innocent - though bear in mind that he may not be sleeping with other people, just meeting them, so don't necessarily assume the very worst.

 

Still not great, though.

 

I can tell that all of his profiles were made a long time ago; is it possible he just checks those accounts out of habit a this point?

 

I don't think that's really credible. Having the profiles, sure, lots of us forget - or are too lazy to - delete every dating profile we ever had. But checking them multiple times a day suggests quite a bit of enthusiasm.

[Not a rookie]

Just for the kicks I would create profiles on those sites, with photos, interests, listing myself as SINGLE and the whole nine and then look at his account. Him checking out your profile and being shocked-priceless. Hahaha :sneakiness:

But I would dump him after that.

[annie24]

I don't think that you even have to make up a lie. You had a gut feeling, so you made a dummy account and searched for him online. And then he messaged you! I mean, no this is not innocent. I don't think you need to even keep up the charade. He is in the wrong. I would break up with him ASAP.

[marona]

Seriously, I wouldn't follow through on the other peoples advice about confronting him but that's just me.

If you want to know, if you really want to be sure, you can't confront him, because when he knows you know, he could lie, and be more careful and all... But if you really want to see to what "extend" he is "cheating" write to him from the phony profile and then, yes, meet up with him and show up as yourself, and then confront him.

 

Because that's the caught-him-in-the-act moment he can't run from, and from there you have a 60% better chance that he is talking the truth, at least that's what I would think... But you said it said he was only looking for friends, that's why I think you should try to take it as far as possible, otherwise you may end up covering for his behaviour with your good heart thinking he is a good person...

 

Don't confront him with it, take him in the act, that's what I would suggest. Definitely not the most "mature" decision, but the decision that will guide your heart the best imo.

[ChewyC]

Wow. Even if he is just looking for "new friends," can you really be happy that he is going behind your back to do it? My last relationship ended in part to my ex meeting up with a guy in secret. It was innocent in the sense that she wasn't cheating, but is lying to your other half ever really innocent? I don't think you should stand for it.

[Not a rookie]

My other post on this thread was just a joke. If something like this happened to me, I would disappear on that guy.

[annie24]

I font think he is looking for buddies to play golf with on dating sites. It can't be just friends.

[EssexMan]

that's the caught-him-in-the-act moment he can't run from

 

I can see the logic of that...except...he can still say "oh, I never actually met anyone before...".

 

I guess the question is, what does the OP want out as the outcome? Assuming there is not some totally innocent explanation for it (he's doing market research for another dating site...yeh, highly implausible I know!) will a complete cessation of all activity on dating sites be enough for her?

[Not a rookie]

He is looking for buddies allright, **** buddies that is...

[puppetmistress]

Thanks everyone. Man, this sucks. First guy in a long time who I was really interested in and where it looked like we had a future. After thinking about it, even if I could rebuild trust after this, it's clear I must be far more invested in the relationship than he is -- so I think it will have to end regardless.

 

I'm tempted to have some fun with the profile thing -- might as well go out with a bang. I kind of like the idea of asking to meet up for coffee on a fake profile, and then "accidentally" bumping into him there while he's waiting, and watching him sweat while I grab a seat at his table and start chatting (with him thinking the other girl is going to show up). At least that's a nice fantasy coming from my current state of anger and sadness. I'll try to cool down first and then figure out the best plan of action.

 

Thanks again for the support... this is such a great site.

[Angel Irulan]

He's a cheat, move on.

 

Angel

[Lambert]

I know it hurts and it's really hard to see it now, but this is a blessing in disguise. You will meet someone better for you and you will be glad. Try not to focus on the sadness. Be pissed and get out of the situation. Good luck!!

[meoww]

If this is your first time being cheated on, I'd try to get all the evidence that you can. Not having definitive proof can eat at you. If you're strong enough to end it right here, then kudos to you, you are stronger than most.

 

Don't let on that you know, and definitely don't confront him yet if you want to find out the truth.

 

Do you have any mutual friends who might know more than they have let on? (You have to be really careful about that one, because he might have guy friends who are also cheaters or chauvinists who will cover for him and report back to him which is the last thing you want.) Do you have access to his email? Or, can you get his phone while he's asleep and do reverse number lookups?

 

I really don't think it's a bad idea to explore the fake profile thing. You need him to actually allude to sexual activity to catch him.

 

You really need proof if you want these cheaters to own up to any of their behavior.

 

As you can see, I am someone who needed closure. For me, it was worth it, I learned from it and I don't know that I'd stick around the next time I feel like someone's cheating, I'm probably capable of making a clean break now. But the first time around it was a blow to the psyche like no other and it took years for my anger to subside. I'd never forgive someone as selfish as that.

 

Good luck though...I feel for you!! You will probably have to accept you will never know the whole truth.

 

Your energies are probably better spent finding a guy who would never do this to you. So if at all possible, just forget this guy and get out.

[annie24]

While we don't know if he has physically cheated, to me, just the fact that he has multiple online active dating profiles certainly sounds like he has intentions to cheat. If you are in a committed relationship, you just don't do those sorts of things. I wouldn't need any more evidence.

[Angel Irulan]

What annie24 said! ^^^ !!!

[puppetmistress]

Thanks so much for this advice, meoww. This is indeed my first time being cheated on, and I think I'm in the same boat as you regarding the need for closure. If I can see something totally definitive about his intentions, I know that will help me be more angry than sad and move on from him.

 

I can't ask any friends for clues because we have almost zero mutual friends (maybe that was a warning sign? He doesn't seem to have much interest in me meeting his friends). I'm still not sure what I'm going to do in terms of confronting him, but I'll keep playing dumb for awhile longer and not let on that I know. Thanks for your support... and I'm so sorry you had to go through something like this too!

[puppetmistress]

I know it hurts and it's really hard to see it now, but this is a blessing in disguise. You will meet someone better for you and you will be glad. Try not to focus on the sadness. Be pissed and get out of the situation. Good luck!!

 

Thanks Lambert, that's a great way to look at it. At least I found out sooner than later, when even more was on the line. And I suppose this is better than getting dumped out of the blue after he finds someone he likes better...at least I have some control in this situation.

[puppetmistress]

Well, I saw that he logged onto OkCupid at 6:01 AM this morning (he sets his alarm for 6:00), so clearly the first thing he did was roll out of bed and check the site. Ugh. And now it shows he's online again right now. I still can't believe it...

[Not a rookie]

Well it is better you find out now. Imagine if you discovered something like this if he was your husband and kids were involved.

[annie24]

So what are you going to do?

[puppetmistress]

So what are you going to do?

 

I'm going to do something with a fake profile so that he gets caught red handed with no way to make an excuse. I'm still working on the details...I'll keep you guys updated. I'm just so mad at this point.

[annie24]

I see why you might want to do that. However, I don't see any purpose on investing any more energy when you have already caught him. You don't need to have him come up with an excuse, as I'm sure he will and hell try to make you out to be the bad guy. I would personally call it off at this point and move on.