AM I being played?

[acuratwinz]

I’ll be the first to admit that during my 3 year relationship with my ex, I treated her pretty bad. I neglected her, didn’t show her much affection, and sometimes was just plain out rude to her. But during the last year of our relationship, I’ve tried my best to change my ways because I realized that I really did love her. I just didn’t know how to show it (I’m a hopeless romantic). Well to shorten things, in February, I decided to leave her because she was being reckless, going out all weekend long, while keeping me in the dark. I figured she was cheating on me, but she just wouldn’t talk about it so I left. After about 1 week I broke down and wanted her back so badly. I didn’t leave because I wanted to end the relationship; I left because I wanted to make a stand. I wanted her to know that I wasn’t going to stay around in a relationship where she disappeared all weekend and wasn’t talking to me.

 

Well what can I say; she didn’t want to get back with me. I was heartbroken. I thought of her constantly, and getting through a normal workday was almost impossible. I found out about 3 weeks after we ended things, she started seeing someone else. That hurt me even more. Although I was still madly in love with her, I was determined to get on with my life. Everyone said, “time will heal”, but for some reason, as the weeks past, I thought of her more and more. I logged onto MSN messenger one day and she was on. She messaged me nonchalantly like we were just friends. She was at HIS house. I was quite angry at the moment, but all I could think about was how much I missed her. We had a long conversation on MSN and she told me that she still loved me and that she saw a future where we were together and happy – like we were in the past. We stayed in contact, and 2 weeks after our msn convo, she told me she ended things with him.

 

Fast forward to today, where we talk almost everyday, and see each other about 2-3 times a week. We’re trying to work things out again, but she wants to take things slowly, so she can become “comfortable” as she says. At first I didn’t understand why she wanted to take things so slowly. It was hard considering we had lived together for 3 years. I tried to rush things a few times by asking her about our future together, but every time I did, she got scared and distanced herself from me. She told me that she is scared of rushing into things because she doesn’t want our relationship to become what it once was, where she and I were both unhappy.

 

The problem is that occasionally we will make a date, and she will break it, without even telling me anything. Last Sunday we were supposed to see each other, but I didn’t hear from her all day until late in the evening. She called me constantly telling me how sorry she was for not calling me earlier and that something “important” had come up. I later found out that she was over at her friends house where they had a house party. She ended up staying over there because no one wanted to drive her home (she lived a good hour away). That was not what bothered me. What bothered me was that this guy she was seeing while we broke up lives at that house as well. She hasn't seem hime alone since she ended things with him, but still occasionally runs into him because they all have the same circle of friends.

 

So what do you guys think? Am I being played for a fool? Or am I being foolish myself? I think I know this girl pretty well. I can usually tell if she is lying or not. There are the tell tale signs. She told me NOTHING happened between her and this guy, and that she was there to see her other friends. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to think.

[brandos lovechild]

hiya acuratwinz. i'm sorry you're caught up in this dilemma. i think if you wanna assess where you stand with this girl and your chances of getting together again, you need to perhaps look at her as if she was a new girl you've just met ( she won't give much of her feelings way at this point,so have to judge her actions). You ask her about your future and she distances herself from you.. this in effect , means she is telling you that you are too serious and she doesn't want all that committment hassle ! A girl with high interest in you would not say "woah boy,too fast!"..she'd want to talk about her future with you or at least discuss it rationally . Secondly, a girl with alot of interest NEVER breaks dates , unless a family member is in hospital or she has grown a grotesque number of spots on her face overnight !! Women will make dates and break them without ever having the intention of really going in the first place...this is what you call uninterested women! She may say NOTHING happened with this guy,but surely you know better than to take the word of someone as untrustworthy as you have described her to be ! Im guessing she didn't want you to find out where she was that night? COME ON MAN, if she's trying to hide something,then there is something to hide !! If it was me,once she started breaking dates i would never have called her again,but thats just me i spose. personally i think your communication with her has hit rock bottom and is gonna take a miracle to recover. I think it is likely that some ppl on this thread will say " well you did leave her,so you can't blame her for acting aloof with you"... however you saw the red flags she was waving in your face and you got out,major props to you! Leave her alone, She is acting oddly which can only be bad for you. good luck 8)

[Shan-Tilly]

I can understand that if there were problems in the relationship before, that she might want to take things slowly so as not to mess them up again. However, from what you said it doesn't seem like she really wants to be in a commited relationship with you. It may be because of you treating her badly to begin with and she can't trust you, or she may be to immature for a commited relationship right now. I agree with what was said before about her not being trustworthy and also that a woman doesn't stand someone up if she's really interested (especially not to go to some party).

[Gabriel]

Listen, all things in the past be left alone, about her staying at that house, you'de better believe she was with "the other guy" there are no such coincidences as "not being able to leave the house where my ex-lover lives and its a house party too", sorry to spell it out, but she lied, I would bet a million on it. Good girls would be home with you, and spending time together builds a relationship...not purposley spending time apart. If you are a different person now, maybe you need a different person too, someone that won't lie about where they were.

[acuratwinz]

Well for starters I do love her. It took me 2 years to realize how great of a women she really was.

 

No i'm not playing her. I'm not the player type anyway.

 

The reason I posted is because I feel like the way I treated her in the beginning of our relationship has come around full circle and kicking me in the butt.

 

Shan-Tilly, I was thinking the same as you and that is how she has expressed herself to me as well. She is afraid of things becoming the way they were in the beginning. I think she wants to take it slow because she wants to be sure of how I feel about her.

 

What's odd is during our 3 year relationship the only thing she wanted was to be fully and completely committed to me. I did not return her feelings.

 

You have given me a lot to think about, but I guess it's really up to me to find out what she really wants. Afterall it is I who knows her best. I can honestly say that I believe everything she tells me. After our long relationship I can usually tell when she is being honest with me.

 

I talked to her last night and she confirmed that she just wants to get comfortable with me again, and then we will take our relationship to the next level...again.

 

Just to clear things a bit she has only broken 2 dates, one of which she told me before hand that she could not make it. The only time she really left me in the dark was last weekend when she went to that party. I am also friends with most of the people at the party, so i'm pretty sure that if something happened between her and this guy, I would know about it. She has already explained her reasoning for getting with this guy anyway. As bad as it sounds she used him as a rebound to forget about me, but as you can see that didn't happen. She ended it with him because she realized that she still loved me and wanted to be with me. ATleast I hope this is all true.

 

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I know I can easily find another companion, but I don't want to. She is the only one I want. I wouldn't put myself through all of this torment if I really didn't love her.

 

I figure I want to atleast try to work things out. If it doesn't work, then atleast I can say I tried instead of looking back on the whole situation years from now and regretting that I never did anything.

[juno]

It seems like u are getting in the game of destructive behavoir. "if only she realized Im the man of er life"..."she loves me but wants me to prove her again"...

The question is Does she go after u?.. or u go after her?.. Be careful man.

[Shan-Tilly]

Be careful and good luck...also, if she gets into another situation where she has stood you up to go to a party where the same guy is I'd recommend just being friends with her.

[acuratwinz]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the advice and support. I went to see her on Monday and we talked about everything. I basically told her that I need space from her as she does from me and that seeing each other is probably not a good idea at this time because of everything that is going on. We are just friends now I guess. Not sure if even this friendship will work out but what have I got to lose - nothing...

 

It's hard to do this because I know I want to be with her, but I'm setting myself up for disappointment if i keep lingering like this. I'm just going to enjoy life now and hang out with friends.

[brandos lovechild]

good for you bro, it's refreshing to see a guy take this sort of thing with such a cool,unbothered attitude ! keep it up and good luck 8)

[acuratwinz]

I couldn't have this attitude without the support of my close friends, and obviously the people on this forum. The next few weeks will be hard but i'm sure i'll get through it.

 

Thanks again! I'll update if anything changes.