How Do I Leave?

[probationnc]

I have been married for almost 5 years. When I married my husband, I knew that I was not in love with him. I sold into the myth that there are few good black men in the world and since I had found one I had better keep him. I am miserable. I have done everything to try to make myself happy. The problem is last month I finally told my husband that I am not in love with him and I desire to leave. At first he was angry and told me that I had wasted five years of his life. Now he is very pitiful and I feel he is playing on my sympathy. My friends are all telling me that I made a committment and that I should abide by that especially since my husband has done nothing wrong. I want to be happy again but how can I be happy if I am making someone else miserable. We have one child that we adopted together. I have agreed to any custody arrangement that will make him happy.

 

How can I reclaim my own happiness? I feel as if I am trapped. My husband seems to not care whether or not I am happy as long as I am here.

[Snoopy1607306435]

that is how my husband feels too. I tell him I am not happy and I want out, he just wants me to stay. he doesn't care that I am miserable either. in fact he has told me many times that he is not happy. I ask him where his pride is. why stay with me. I tried to leave him twice, almost a third time, tried to break up before we got married, knew the night before my wedding that I did not want to marry him, but I felt trapped, felt I had to, didn't want to hurt him. I do not love him and never have. thought I did at first. 18 years later I am still hurting him. I have lost my parents, suffered real pain, so I figured it's ok to cause him pain, sometimes in life you have no choice but to face pain, so I was going to leave in July. I changed my mind, not because I love him, but because I was afraid to take such a huge step with 2 children, afraid of what he would really do if he knew I was serious. he has a very bad temper and can be very vicious. anyway, I say, if you feel this way now, chances are you will always feel this way like I do, and you will just be miserable for the rest of your life. even though there are people who say divorce is wrong, I can't see how being miserable and making the spouse miserable, is right. better to part now if you can, and somehow remain friends for your child, and in time you will feel happier. my current dream is to just run away when my youngest child is grown. or at least at an age where he won't fight me to take her away from me.

good luck