Really need advice - pushing away boyfriend with my paranoia.

[mmnyc5052]

Hi All,

 

I am completely new to this forum and I have never joined anything like it, so bear with me. I've harped over this with friends, my mom, etc. and I'd really like to get an outsider's perspective.

 

I have been seeing a guy for about nine months now. I live in Los Angeles, and he lives back home on the East Coast. So, while I am frequently visiting home, and he comes out to see me, for all intents and purposes we are long-distance. We talk nearly all day every day via text, calls, and Skype, if we aren't in the same place together. For the first six or seven months, I was totally care-free in the relationship; he pursued me via Facebook (we went to the same high school) and once we started talking and had met up, I decided I really liked him. We'd been "seeing" each other exclusively for a few months, then this past fall we became serious. Only in the past couple of months have I had extreme feelings of worry, anxiety, and paranoia regarding our relationship. I am CONSTANTLY in fear of him cheating on me, or even talking to other girls (since we started online, I fear that the possibility of him talking to someone else in the same way is real). I feel like I am always "looking" for things to validate my fear. I don't know where this all came from and it is literally starting to drive me crazy. I ask him hundreds of questions, about girls he's friends with on Facebook, exes, people he's hooked up with...in hindsight, I know I shouldn't have, but I am a naturally curious person. These questions are infuriating him at this point. He has put up with them for months now, and I feel like it's at the point where he is really going to pull away. I know I have to stop, but it's like there is a compulsion for me to seek validation that he is not seeing or talking to anyone else, or that he hasn't cheated, etc. etc. I have a fear that during the period I was more care free, he talked to someone else or hooked up. Yet, I have evidence that he hasn't.

 

Here comes the crazy: after prying a few times, he finally showed me his Facebook messages, and I saw that the last message he sent to a girl he had hooked up with was a month before we actually had our first date. Since then, I didn't see any other messages to girls in a flirty way - just regarding school or from his male friends. Also, that last message to this girl was him telling her (she was kind of crazy and possessive - would still text him constantly at the beginning of our relationship and he would ignore it; had to eventually block her number) to F off. He has shown me his texts; nothing to indicate anything suspicious. I have gone through his call logs, photos, his voicemail...I even texted a number that it looked like he had wiped a conversation clear to see who it was - it turned out to be a guy he had gone to school with. All the pictures on his phone are of me and like his dogs. I've seen his emails - nothing suspicious, just pictures of me and some spam from sites like Zoosk. I've scoured the internet for his name, usernames he uses, and I've even created fake dating profiles to see if he is still somehow on the Zoosk and OKCupid profiles he once had (he told me about these in the beginning of the relationship; he had wiped all of the info, deleted pictures etc. right after we first met. I verified this via a google search that had a cached page that said he didn't log on since a few days after we first met, which presumably is when he deleted his info).

 

I briefly broke it off with him in October because I said I wasn't ready for a relationship. He said he would wait for me and wasn't interested in other girls. We slowly started talking again and got back together. During this "off" period, he even turned down a girl who hit on him at a Halloween party and said he had a girlfriend in LA; I know this for a fact because his friend, who has a public radio show and was there with him that night essentially encouraging him to get with other girls, said that he turned down this girl - much to the friend's disdain. He even told me at the time about the incident. However, I happened to come upon his OkCupid about a month later and it said he had logged onto OkCupid (still no info or picture up) during the time we were "broken up." I freaked out about this, and he said he had just logged on so he could delete it but didn't have time to figure out how to do it because he was in a hurry. At another point, I also asked to see his phone to make sure he wasn't in contact with the crazy girl from the beginning, and when he went to get his phone I followed him and it LOOKED like he was deleting something before he showed me. He said he wasn't and was setting his alarm. He then proceeded to show me his texts, with no suspicious evidence there. Did he delete something or not?

 

Now, he has never been sneaky with me. He never hides his phone from me, never walks away to take suspicious calls, when I'm with him he never gets texts except for the occasional one from friends, even when we are Skyping his phone is in view and he never uses it or walks away with it. He has deleted girls on Facebook just to appease me and make me feel better. He has given me access to nearly everything, yet I hang on those two things that I interpreted as suspicious. I bring up anything I think is off to him, and he gets annoyed. He was the first to say I love you, he pursued me, he spent $600 on a trip to come see me only two months after meeting, he wanted to post pictures of us together on Facebook when we first started dating and I had an issue with it for some reason. I met his parents and friends very soon after we met. He tells me I am the most beautiful woman he's ever seen or been with. He says he is and always has been devoted to me, since we started talking I was his only one. Why do i not believe him? Why am I acting like this now? Why am I so possessive and paranoid? Is it founded or unfounded? Mind you, I am 24 and this is my first serious relationship. He has more "experience" with the opposite sex than I do, and I fear that fact has had an effect on me. I ask him about details I know I shouldn't but it's like I have to know. I'm even at a point now where I got jealous when he told me there were girls he knew in some of his classes this semester. I get freaked out at the idea of him looking at porn. Just the other night, I became anxious when he said he might go out with his sister, since she was leaving to go out of town the next day for a long term job. The idea of him being out at a bar, and girls coming up to him, left me almost paralyzed. He didn't end up going out and I felt like a douche afterwards for getting so anxious. I want to be the only girl he has interest in; maybe I am feeling threatened due to insecurity? Maybe deep down I feel like all of a sudden I'm not good enough? I know I am a beautiful girl...I have a lot of assets, but I could be more in shape. He is, by most standards, hot. He's got a great body and a handsome face. He tells me all the time how he loves my body, thinks I am very sexy...yet I still get insecure sometimes. See next paragraph...

 

One other thing I should point out, is that his friend who has this radio show sometimes talks about my boyfriend on it, and most the things he says are "(my boyfriend) could get so much ass, and he doesn't...he's with these other girls (me and his exes) and he SHOULD be hooking up with so many hotter girls, he could have anyone, etc." My boyfriend deleted this friend on Facebook after I had heard this radio show (should not have gone and listened to it, but...I did). He said not to pay attention, his friend exaggerates for the sake of the show, he's a douche...you get the picture. He assured me he loves me and can think for himself and he's with ME. I should also mention this friend is a 32 year old who lives at home with his mom and does the radio show out of his basement and publishes it on a website. His friend screws married women, has an eating disorder...has a lot wrong with him. So maybe I shouldn't listen to what he said. But it still sticks with me...how could it NOT?

 

I should not be going through his stuff. It is wrong and I know it. But it's like this compulsion has taken over. It's almost an everyday thing. These little things I found suspicious are overshadowing all the good and positive things he has done in our relationship. Can someone please offer me some insight into this? What are your thoughts? Is it just me being crazy and over analyzing or is it something to worry about? I am moving back east again soon and I will be with him not long distance. I could really use someone's help with this. I really appreciate anything anyone has to offer - I am stuck and I don't want to ruin something that doesn't need to be ruined over little things I am focusing on.

 

Please, please help me with this. Thanks.

[JJ2980]

Umm how can I say this. You are freakishly possessive. He might love you now but I can assure you that your behaviour will wear thin one day and he will want out. I can't tell you how to back off - its something you'll have to learn to do yourself. You're young, its your first serious relationship - enjoy the getting to know each other part and stop sweating the things you can't control i.e distance.

[kelly1503]

I don't have any insight, but I just wanted to say I'm in the exact same situation as you and act the exact same way, and I could use some advise too. It's driving me crazy...

 

I hope more people respond to this thread so we hopefully can get some insight and help...

[Not a rookie]

Please do not take this personally but pursuing someone online, sending them texts and messages is not "being in a relationship". Amidst the online craze, people keep forgetting that real relationships evolve out of two people spending time together offline not online. Since this is not a relationship he is obviously keeping his options open.

[lavenderdove]

What are your plans to actually live in the same place? How soon?

 

The truth is LDRs usually have a shelf life and you need to move to the same location or it just descends into this kind of paranoia and obsessive checking up on each other because you don't actually spend enough time together to have a REAL relationship and REAL future together. If you are naturally insecure, being in an LDR is just poison and makes you insane.

 

So the answer here is to decide whether you can trust him or not, and if you do, then stop all this obsessive checking on him. If he is going to cheat or dump you, he is going to do that whether you check on him or not. The best way to prevent cheating or him leaving you is to live in the same town and have a normal relationship such that he doesn't have to spend most of his time alone and trying to amuse himself because he rarely sees his GF.

 

So start having talks with him about when you will move into the same town and take your relationship to the next level. If you're not even discussing that or have no concrete plans to do it soon (i.e., in the next 6 months to a year) then most likely this will disintegrate into this kind of obsessive distrust until one of you does meet someone attractive in your own town and take up with them.

[mmnyc5052]

Yes, I agree. I am actually moving back this month. I've been planning it for a while, even before we met I had wanted to move back. So, yes, in the very near future. I understand the LDR's really do have a shelf life, but since I am moving back, and since we see each other very frequently (I got home about once a month as I have family there and he's come to visit me a few times in between), I DO consider this a relationship as a previous commenter disagreed.

 

The thing I need help with is how to I learn to control my mind and impulses? And not let little things twist my stomach in knots? I agree, it is poison and will make you insane. How can one stop harping over things that are either in my mind or out of my control? Normally I'm a cool girl, in the beginning he really fell in love with me. This has to stop. I feel like a prize idiot. Thanks for your input.

[mmnyc5052]

@Needasolution-

 

I think you maybe misinterpreted what I posted. We just started off talking online, but we see each other very frequently - I travel home once a month-ish for about a week, and he has come to see me a few times. The calls, texts, Skype-- that's all in between. I'm not in a relationship with a cyber character who I rarely see in person. So, yes, it IS a relationship, and he agrees. What makes you say "he is obviously keeping his options open"?

[mmnyc5052]

I appreciate everyone's input here...

 

A little more help on the "how to stop over thinking" front?? As lavenderdove mentioned, yes I am generally a naturally insecure person, so that doesn't help in a LDR, but as I am moving to be nearer to him, I am not thinking of that right now as an obstacle. I am talking in general, how do I rid myself of the constant over-thinking, over analyzing, looking for little things...?? ANY advice will do. Thanks so much-

[chloe90]

I am a bit like you when it comes to over thinking, over analysing and feeling insecure in a relationship. I have been insecure and this has been expressed as me acting needy, clingy and overreacting - my behaviour has recently scared away a man I was involved with and ruined a good thing.

 

So my advice to you would be to get a grip on this type of behaviour before you lose your man - like I did. I know it's easier said than done but it's all about working on yourself, self worth, selflove and confidence. Maybe write your fears, worries and doubts in a journal to vent - instead of venting to your man. Men don't always like the "emotional stuff" and no one likes to be bombarded with out of the blue accusations and questions when the relationship is otherwise happy. Good luck you

[Not a rookie]

Still the amount you spend is not enough for a healthy relationship to develop. I understood that you are not in a relationship with a cyber character. Still something is fishy about this guy. If he loved you so much he would have deleted his OKCupid/Zoosk profile long time ago. FYI, Zoosk sends notifications to active members so he does have an active membership. There is a way to hide Zoosk profiles. Anyway, I think there is something suspicious about him, cause otherwise you would not post this thread listing all the suspicious points, right? Always trust your gut feelings.

[mmnyc5052]

Still the amount you spend is not enough for a healthy relationship to develop. I understood that you are not in a relationship with a cyber character. Still something is fishy about this guy. If he loved you so much he would have deleted his OKCupid/Zoosk profile long time ago. FYI, Zoosk sends notifications to active members so he does have an active membership. There is a way to hide Zoosk profiles. Anyway, I think there is something suspicious about him, cause otherwise you would not post this thread listing all the suspicious points, right? Always trust your gut feelings.

 

Than you for your reply. I see what you mean, if I am bringing all of this up there must be something suspicious. His profiles were deleted or deactivated months ago, though. I used to have a Zoosk account and I still get mail from them - the message he got was not a "flirt" or "message" etc. It was a general spam mail. I've even looked this up and it seems a lot of people have had their relationships ruined over a dang Zoosk acct. because even if the profile is deactivated, you still get mail. I do see your point.

 

I am seeking advice to help stop this compulsion to ask questions; we have spent ample amounts of time getting to know each other and doing things together. I am moving back and will be with him for "normal" time in a relationship, so while I appreciate everything you have said I just would like to get opinions moving forward, how to stop prying and asking questions. Thank you again for your reply.

[mmnyc5052]

I am a bit like you when it comes to over thinking, over analysing and feeling insecure in a relationship. I have been insecure and this has been expressed as me acting needy, clingy and overreacting - my behaviour has recently scared away a man I was involved with and ruined a good thing.

 

So my advice to you would be to get a grip on this type of behaviour before you lose your man - like I did. I know it's easier said than done but it's all about working on yourself, self worth, selflove and confidence. Maybe write your fears, worries and doubts in a journal to vent - instead of venting to your man. Men don't always like the "emotional stuff" and no one likes to be bombarded with out of the blue accusations and questions when the relationship is otherwise happy. Good luck you

 

 

Thank you very much Chloe90! I really appreciate your insight.

[mmnyc5052]

Omg guys. I almost just lost him, because I brought up a random girl he added years ago before I even knew him on Facebook. He's deleted so many girls in the past for me and he's at the point where he's just giving up...he says he can't deal with my delusional thinking anymore.

 

I am at a loss right now. Every little thing, I am bringing up. He hates it. I know I am paranoid and it's a huge issue, it's not driving just him insane it's driving me insane and its completely consuming me. I know if I were in a relationship with anyone else, I'd ask him these questions too - I've thought hard about whether it was him or not. Please, I need more advice.

 

HOW CAN I STOP???

[mmnyc5052]

I recently posted in the general relationships forum and I am still needing some words of advice.

 

In short, I'm in a relationship with someone who lives back home on the east coast. YES, it is a real relationship, as I have seen him every month at least since we started dating for at least a week at a time, and he's spent hundreds of dollars to come and see me. We text, Skype, call, almost all day. I am moving home this month (not just for him; for other personal and work reasons, so please don't think I am just moving for a guy).

 

My problem is this: I cannot overcome my paranoia of him talking to someone else or cheating. I know where he is at all times, he spends most of his time with ME, whether via technology or in person - otherwise he is in school or with family. He's given me access to his Facebook, Netflix, I've scoured his email and his phone - nothing to indicate any foul play (since even a month before we met). I have no real proof of him being deceitful to me, and this never was an issue for the first few months of our relationship, but the second I became vulnerable and relinquished my heart to him, I've been CONSUMED with thoughts of whether or not he's looking for someone else or talking to someone else.

 

He had dating accts on Zoosk and OkCupid prior to us meeting - which he quickly wiped the info and picture after meeting me; deleted them completely at my request. I have proof he did not log onto them since we met - there was a cached page on Google that showed he had not logged in to them since he wiped his info. YET, I am still hanging on every little thing that I interpret as potentially suspicious.

 

He never gets texts or calls (aside from friends) when we are together or even when we are Skyping; he is never sneaky with me about that and never holds his phone close to him or walks away with it. I have absolutely no concrete proof of him betraying me.

 

Where I went wrong was asking about his past. In the beginning, we talked a lot and he shared stuff about either his exes, or how he used to talk to girls online when he was single and had just been hurt by his ex. This is plaguing me now. I was never worried about any of it in the beginning, but once I said I love you and gave him my heart --- It popped into my mind. I know these people are in his past but I am so consumed with worry that he will revert back to that if he even gets bored or something without me there or talking to him.

 

We've had numerous talked, he's been very accomodating to me. He pursued me, he told me he loved me first, he never pressured me, he has been loving, he wanted me to meet his parents very soon after we met, his friends, etc. Even when I have proof he hasn't done something, it's like I CAN'T control my compulsion to pry further.

 

 

I almost lost him tonight. He is on the verge of giving up on me, no matter how much he loves me he can't deal with my over analytic mind. I brought up a random girl on facebook he added years ago who he has no mutual friends with, so I think he once maybe talked to her or something, and he told me he just randomly added her and he's never talked to her; doesn't know who she is really. So even if he had talked to her in the past, I know that is his past. I am just so paralyzed by the thought of her coming up on his news feed and seeing her and reminding him of her. He says he's sick of indulging my delusions and he has deleted numerous people in the past at my request, and he won't have it anymore. I even get jealous of girls he has classes with. WHAT IS GOING ON? Am I paranoid or is this worry founded in something? I have been going through a rough time with work and friends lately, and I've been deeply betrayed by both my sister and a close friend lately, so I think that fear has crept into our relationship. I have also seen numerous friends cheated on, and seeing them so hurt has made me overprotective of my heart. Every little thing I pick at now.

 

 

PLEASE someone, help. I don't want to ruin this. We have a loving, happy relationship otherwise. We are both intensely sexually attracted to each other, share similar values, have a lot of laughs together--yet this is now 75-80% of what we talk about now. My fear. ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME!!!

 

 

Thank you for your time and for reading. I appreciate it with all my heart.

[offplanet]

It sounds like your worrying is out of control, maybe obsessive compulsive. I think you should seek professional help. Have you been llike this before in other relationships? Are you anxious in other areas? Relaxation and meditation strategies could help but you need to seriously take steps to deal with this.

[mmnyc5052]

It sounds like your worrying is out of control, maybe obsessive compulsive. I think you should seek professional help. Have you been llike this before in other relationships? Are you anxious in other areas? Relaxation and meditation strategies could help but you need to seriously take steps to deal with this.

 

Hi offplanet,

 

Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I sought help once before during a time in college when I was feeling very down, on the verge of depressed, and did have compulsive tendencies. I was put on Cymbalta for a while; helped quite a bit and felt like I was constantly happy and positive. I went off of these drugs about a year later, once I had everything together. This had nothing to do with a relationship, and I should have noted, this is my first Serious relationship. I am 24 years old. Thinking about your reply, I fear that maybe this behavior I once sought help for is creeping back up? I do agree with you, I think it would be helpful for me to seek professional counsel. I cannot let this control my life. In my everyday tendencies, I sometimes have a tweak of OCD here and there - making sure something is in place, etc. But it isn't an overwhelming quality of mine, it does not rule my life like many OCD sufferers have an issue with.

 

I am curious, do you think this is something all on my account, or is there any reason to keep worrying? Should I read into the things I find suspicious, even though I have no solid "proof"? For instance, there was one time I asked to see his phone to see if he was talking to a certain person; I followed him when he went to retrieve it, and it *looked* as though he was fumbling with his phone and deleting something. he then showed me his texts and I did not see anything off. Mind you, there was only a few seconds gap between this and when I saw it, so he could not have deleted a slew of messages. OR is it something I have to tackle myself? I know you are not a therapist, just seeking your continued view. Again, I sincerely appreciate your reply - it helps

[Capricorn3]

Threads have been merged (same topic).

[offplanet]

From what you've said about him you wouldn't have any rational reason to be worried. He's been amazingly patient and reassurring so far, more than most guys would. To be honest, I find it a bit disturbing that you would ask to see his phone to check on who he's been talking to. You seem to go to extreme lengths in continually checking on him. I can see why he would be getting to the stage of having had enough. You seem to expect a lot from him. It's all too much. To get back to the question, you shouldn't be getting suspicious! You need to have much much more relaxed attitude to the relationship. In one way, you have insight into the fact that you're overdoing it with the suspicion and worry, but in another way, I don't know if you realize how unacceptable it really is. Medication would help with obsessiveness, but I think just a taking a drug is not the answer. I think seriously looking into strategies for achieving a more relaxed attitude would be better. You need to start soon! He's not going to be patient much longer!

[lavenderdove]

>>He says he's sick of indulging my delusions

 

OK, if you are dredging up jealousy over nothing or things he did long in the past before you (which appears to be happening) then you are to some extent delusional so he is correct! This kind of thing really borders on obsession and paranoia and could have biochemical origins, or it could be related to some past trauma that you need to deal with via counseling. What you are struggling wtih now is NOT to control other girls and his interaction with them because he's not doing anything wrong, but you are struggling with your own fears that have nothing to do with him. You are allowing your personal demons to run wild and are trying to control him and grill him to feel in control of your fears. But those attempts to feel in control are backfiring and bringing about the worst end result, which will a break up with him because you are smothering him and upsetting him with false accusations while treating him like a criminal and prisoner when he is doing nothing at all to justify what is your own craziness.

 

The first thing you do right now, today, is google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. The second any obsession comes to mind on the subject of jealousy or him potentially cheating, yell STOP in your head and don't indulge the thoughts. REFUSE to allow yourslef to think on them for more than a second, and REFUSE to bring the topic up with him ever again. and absolutely REFUSE to spy on him again. No searching the web looking for 'evidence' to do with him. All that is just feeding your obsessive thoughts and jealousy.

 

Next, stop looking at Facebook. Just stop! If you can't control your jealousy, you need to stop 'spying' on him and drawing all kinds of false conclusions based on the fact that he happens to know some women. 50% of the population is women, and he can and will associate with women in his daily life in some form or another. Just because he KNOWS a woman doesn't mean he's going to sleep with her etc.

 

The thing is people get cancer and people get in a car accidents, but that doesn't mean you should live your life in fear obsessing about those things or stopping driving out of fear or get a full body scan every month trying to detect any cancer etc. You've just gone bonkers on this topic of being obsessed with the idea of him cheating when he is doing nothing at all wrong, and you need to get a grip on your own obsession in the same manner you would get a grip on any other kind of obsession or fear.

 

I'd go to a doctor tomorrow and tell them about your obsessions, and consider getting counseling and potentially taking medication. At a minimum you need some talk therapy to discuss this with a counselor to get to the bottom of why you are obsessed and do this and learn tools for how to stop.

 

So what do you do TODAY to try to turn this around? First, you make a pledge to stop bringing this up with him, stop questioning his FB friends or something he did before he even knew you. Not one conversation about it, not a single one! Not a mention! He is going to dump you and dump you soon if you don't just stop now. Next, tell him you think you ARE being delusional and are insecure and need to get some help with that, and that you intend to go get some treatment. And that you KNOW he doesn't deserve being grilled or accused like this but it is you own personal fears that need to be addressed in counseling. Pledge to him that the next time you feel anxious about it, you will talk to the therapist about it rather than grill him or demand he discuss some girl he met years ago. A

 

nd google thought stopping and practice it when your mind drifts in that direction to get control over your thoughts. When you get control over your thoughts, your emotions will follow and get under control.

 

But call a counselor or doctor tomorrow and start talking about this. If you want to save your relationship, you need to do it NOW and can't expect him to keep tolerating getting accused and controlled when he has done nothing wrong. I just hope it is not too late, and it WILL be too late if you keep doing this. He will just call you one day and say, i can't do this anymore, I am sorry, and that will be the end of it. So please tell him you'll stop, and stop, and get help from a counselor to deal with this and get to the bottom of it so you can return to having a normal life again rather than being gripped by fear and obsession.

[NymphaeaLilly]

Few years ago I was exactly like you. When me and my bf started dating we were still in HS and I was jealous but not crazy jealous, then he moved to uni in another city and than my crazy jealously started. I was checking his phone, his laptop, his FB (also requesting to delete some girls or freaking out if he befriended someone who I don't know), I even managed to get his cell phone records. I was THAT crazy and irrational. I was never like that before, I never suffered from depression or had to take any drugs, I was always cool about guys, but like you that was also my first serious relationship (at the beginning I was really cool and he was the one pursuing me) and than I guess I fall hard for him and started fearing he'd cheat on me while he's away at uni. I saw signs of him being shady all the time but that was just my crazy mind.

One day (after months of this mad behavior) I had a talk with my dad. He told me "Listen kiddo, I love you and if X (my bf) screwed you over I'd be the first one to kick his @ss, but the way you'd been acting isn't healthy and you need to stop!" He told me that the WORST thing that could happen is for him to cheat on me and than break up...it wouldn't be the end of the world nor my life, it wouldn't mean I'm a worthless being, it would mean he is. My sopping wouldn't stop him from cheating it could just push him in that direction. My dad told me that I have two options. One is to trust him and stop worrying if he's gonna cheat and to just enjoy the ride whie it lasts. Another is to not trust him if I believe he's not trustworthy or manipulative and to break up. I spent whole night turning around in my bed. But tomorrow I decided that he IS trustworthy and that he's been so wonderful to me even when I outright insulted him by doubting his loyalty. I stopped creating all those crazy scenarios in my head of him falling for other girl. Whenever that ugly monster in my head started telling me stories of how my bf's cheating on me I'd tell him to **** off and remember times when my bf went out off his way just to make me happy. It was conscious effort at the beginning but over time my crazy jealousy disappeared.

Hope my story helped

[mmnyc5052]

Thank you again, very much. You are correct - I haven't really fully realized how unacceptable it has been. Last night was really a wake up call. Luckily, he has agreed to start fresh with me, and I am trying so hard now to stop it. I know I won't have another chance. Your advice is much appreciated and I will take it to heart. I have to not freak out at the slightest thing that seems off - you are so right, it's all too much. Thanks!!

[mmnyc5052]

lavenderdove,

 

Thank so so very much for your thoughtful replies. It really has helped. Because I am moving home soon, I am just going to talk to my doctor back there. For now, I am using yours and every one else's advice to help me through it, and I am googling "thought stopping" as we speak. You are right - I cannot live in constant fear or worry about something that likely won't happen, and I cannot live in his past going over every minute detail. I am also going to work on the not spying on Facebook etc. thing. It's destructive and unreasonable to expect him to not have interactions in one way or another with women in his daily life, and you are correct that just because he does have Facebook friends who are women, or sees girls in class, or even walking down the street - it doesn't mean he wants to be with them. I am just trying to remind myself that he chose ME, and he is with ME, and I have to be prideful in myself and not succumb to this insecurity. Your reasoning is very intelligent and helpful. Thank you so much.

[mmnyc5052]

Your story helped a lot!! Every point your Dad made is right - the worrying is mad, and if he did end up betraying me, it mean's he isn't worthy of me, and I will move on. But I have to remember all the patience he's showed with me, and how he has indeed gone out of his way to comfort me. The last thing I want is to insult him with my distrust. I am really going to use your example and whenever my ugly monster of jealousy rears its head, I will tell it to **** off I know it will take time and much effort on my part but I have to do it in order to get back to a healthy relationship. Thanks so much!