Kitten love Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Hello again ENA.. I'm back.. It seems whenever I start to move on my ex comes back into the picture. I've posted many threads in the last few months relating to this guy if anyone has the time or the inclination to read them. Long story short, my ex broke up with me 10mths ago. He went off the radar until 5mths ago when we he initiated contact and has shown interest in reconciling since then. About 2nths ago he chose another girl over myself. I had just started trusting him again so this devastated me. I was in an extremely dark place. One week ago we meet and he reveals he has ended things with this new girl because she "wasn't me".. He tried to kiss me and of course I didn't let him. The whole situation is complicated by the fact I have been seeing someone since May. This guy is lovely however I'm plagued by guilt because I have never felt a "spark" with him.. And have more friend feelings than girlfriend feelings (I have been gentle but honest about my feelings towards him our entire history). I have tried to end things with this new guy but it has been difficult, as we are best friends, and he urged me to continue being with him until I go overseas in two months. The last thing I want to do is hurt my current boyfriend, but ending things now would undoubtedly do so. I rely on him so much emotionally too, he really is my closest friend.. However my ex has come back and shown interest and I feel like that is such an unfinished chapter in my life. I know the right thing to do is probably forget my ex, but I have no idea if I'll ever be able to get over not trying again with my ex? Argh. Thanks for reading. I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking but it was helpful just to get all this down in writing. Thanks ena. Link to comment
Not a rookie Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Forget the ex and concentrate on the new guy. He sounds like a wonderful guy. I think there is potential. Link to comment
Arise Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 So, you are considering leaving the new guy (which will crush him), and go back with the EX that crushed you when he left you for some one else? Seems like another disaster waiting to happen for you. Of course you havent established feelings for the new guy because you still have feelings for the former bf that screwed you over! The EX bf will probably do the same **** to you all over again. Link to comment
Justwannahelp Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Wait....you said you are going overseas in 2 months? How long will you be away? If it is an extended time you are leaving both of these guys anyway, right? The ex is trouble don't go down that road again. As for the new guy it sounds like you really aren't into him as a boyfriend. He is filling a void right now but he isn't who you want. If you are going to be away for a while just tell the new guy that you both need to explore other things/people while you are away. Don't do the long distance thing with the new guy. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Here's what it comes down to: the ex has left you twice now, being pretty cruel about it at times even from what I've read from your other posts with his "maybe I will" "maybe I won't" "no it won't work" "oh wait maybe..." nonsense. So unless he's had some major lifestyle/spiritual change like he had a drinking problem, but has been in AA for the last year or just spent six months in an Ashram in India the cruel fact is the guy who crushed your heart is still the exact, same guy who crushed your heart. Not once, but twice, and yes it's a guarantee he'll do it again. Quite likely as soon as he's sure you've dropped the current guy you're seeing and aren't moving on without him. At that point his ego and/or male dominance "I don't want you, but no one else better either" crap will be satisfied and he'll be able to move on to other targets until the next time he needs his ego stoked and/or the girl he's with rejects him and bruises his ego. Take my advice, don't even be friends with the ex. Tell him it is over, you are gone, buh-bye. Then tell the current guy that you can be friends as you have all along and that you are going to take the time to get your life on track for yourself, by yourself. And then do that. You are heading off overseas in two months anyways where fabulous new adventures and people await. Honestly it doesn't sound like either of these guys is exactly what you need or want at this time in your life. You have one foot in each relationship, but not your full heart in either and that usually means that in the end neither one is exactly right. Tell the ex to get lost, keep your current friend but remain honest in your feelings for him and go see what that overseas trip brings you for the future. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Me personally, I wouldn't consider going back to the ex -- but I'd still end things with the new guy. In life you're going to meet people who are amazing and really into you and want to be with you.... but they don't give you that "spark" for whatever reason. I've been there, trying to ignore that because of all the other great qualities that exist in someone. But I think you really DO need to have that spark feeling for someone. It doesn't last forever, the honeymoon phase always ends sooner or later.... but in the long-term it's a feeling that can be reborn again and again and keeps a relationship alive over the years. Don't underestimate the importance of "spark." And don't waste your time with that ex -- it sounds like he's had his shot with you a few times, and chosen other women! Yuck. Take some time for yourself, do your travelling, and get cool with being single for a while. It sounds like you're a little scared of being alone. I'd take this as a life lesson and never again get involved with someone unless that spark-factor is there from the very beginning! Just my opinion! Link to comment
Kitten love Posted February 3, 2013 Author Share Posted February 3, 2013 Thankyou for your deep and well thought-out replies.. I'm going to focus on my current, lovely bf and NOT give in to my ex's advances. I'm not sure I can give up being friends with him now that he's back in my life.. I'm scared I will always consider him "the one that got away" and always carry regrets.. Link to comment
twinlakes Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Thankyou for your deep and well thought-out replies.. I'm going to focus on my current, lovely bf and NOT give in to my ex's advances. I'm not sure I can give up being friends with him now that he's back in my life.. I'm scared I will always consider him "the one that got away" and always carry regrets.. this is why it is always advised to be fully over an ex before you get with a new guy. because now you have to break up with the new guy eve if it does not meaning going back with your ex. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Your ex is bad news. He left you for another girl. He came back to you not because she wasn't you but because he knew you would take him back under any circumstances. His explanation makes no sense. He HAD the original you, why did he go looking for someone who he expected to be like you. Those are just flattering words to hide the truth. The truth is he had a nice time playing around with the other girl and now he expects you to take him back. If you take him back, you have surrendered a huge amount of power to him. He is not the guy who got away, he is the guy who left then wanted to come back for a few more shags before he left again. Please look at the big picture here. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Thankyou for your deep and well thought-out replies.. I'm going to focus on my current, lovely bf and NOT give in to my ex's advances. I'm not sure I can give up being friends with him now that he's back in my life.. I'm scared I will always consider him "the one that got away" and always carry regrets.. Why regrets? Do you blame yourself? I agree with the others that the one thing that is essential to your happiness is to put this guy in the past where he belongs. You've got to find a way to put the one who got away in his proper light. Once exposed, in daylight, will you see him for the turd he is?! And to let your life essentially be controlled by a turd, is well, no way to live. THAT you may come to regret....I'm thinking whatever regrets you have right now, they may very well be false ones. Ever consider that? Link to comment
Kitten love Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Argh you are all right. My ex is absolutely no good and is playing games. Even now, being cheeky and flirty when I stress we can ONLY be friends. I can definitely see your points all of you that suggested I get rid of him for good. I think I might have to, to lose the drama and horrible uncomfortable feeling he gives me now.. He kinda comes accross as a creep.. And for some strange reason, I do feel guilty.. That I might not be bold enough or quick enough to make the decision that leads me to long term happiness. But despite some of the happy reconciliation stories I've read here (and desperately hoped for myself, for a time) I'm starting to believe that certain relationships don't work because of glaring and insurmountable incompatabilities or differences in core values. Thankyou.. Link to comment
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