Being single after a breakup ....

[DepthOfField]

Hey ENA

 

I'm going on 10 weeks since BU and have been 100% NC since. I'm doing better than I previously was, but far from healed. I'm trying REALLY hard to move on and have been working on myself. You name it, I'm doing it - Getting counselling, volunteering, going out, making music, excercising, skiing, etc.

 

Like most other people going through a breakup, I've been reflecting on my past. I'm 30 years young now. Since my first serious relationship at 17, I've been in several serious relationships for the past 10 out of 13 years!!!! In the short periods of time I've been single throughout my adolescence, all I was doing was craving the comfort/excitement of relationships - Basically I was "I'm not going to be truly happy until I find someone ... ". I did some travelling independently which was alright, but I felt like I would have enjoyed it more if I 'hooked up' with someone.

 

My friends have been putting pressure on me to date again because they know I'm still not 100%. I wish they wouldn't, because it leads me to the false hope that dating again will heal my faster.

 

I was thinking that this year I'm going to focus on being happy just being on my own. Not having that dependence on someone else in my life to make me happy. There's no clock. There's so much time later on to settle down. I'll let love find me. In the meantime, I will seek happiness on my own and enjoy the freedom of crapping with the door open and not having to be dragged to all-day weddings.

 

Does anyone feel the same way? Does anyone have friends that put pressure on them to date after a BU?

Thoughts?

[mhowe]

There's not a lot to think about here -- only you know when you will be ready to date again. Well meaning friends often think someone new will distract you and help you heal. But it is dependent on how long you were together, the depth of your relationship, your own age.

 

So -- be single -- try it -- -you might like it.

 

I was in a serious relationship 29-38 and afterwards, it was years before I wanted to date. At age 49, I found the man I will likely be w/ for life.

 

But I didn't sit home for the 12 yrs in between. And I didn't listen to my friends...I listened to my heart.

[wowor]

Listen to your heart and gut.

 

You know what is best.

[hellomolly123]

I was thinking that this year I'm going to focus on being happy just being on my own. Not having that dependence on someone else in my life to make me happy. There's no clock. There's so much time later on to settle down. I'll let love find me. In the meantime, I will seek happiness on my own and enjoy the freedom of crapping with the door open and not having to be dragged to all-day weddings.

 

Does anyone feel the same way? Does anyone have friends that put pressure on them to date after a BU?

Thoughts?

 

I think this is a good approach. A hard one, but a healthy one. I know some people firmly believe that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else (crude but accurate) but I think the reality is, everyone heals differently. I am also getting out a long-term relationship, have been virtually no-contact for about a month (brief emails to settle logistics of no longer living together, but nothing else) and feel the same - I need to find happiness for me, by me, without depending on anyone else. How else can I expect to go into another relationship and have it be a healthy one, if I can't be happy with just me? I am 26 and have been in a relationship since I was 19 years old, up until 5 weeks ago. I don't even know what it IS to be single. It's terrifying but also exciting. I can do what I want, pursue new interests, branch out socially... yes, it is lonely at times, and yes I miss him all the time, but I'm working on it and I'm slowly improving. I too have friends who are already hinting at their boyfriend's cute single buddy, but I'm planning on just taking it as it comes. If something happens, great. If not, I will continue to learn how to be happy and fulfilled as just me.

[Iamstruggling]

I have had that situation with friends trying to set me up with other girls and so far it has only made me angry, I know they are just trying to help but after losing control of a part of my life with my relationship ending, I don't need others controlling it for me. I am coming close to 30 myself and after thinking of marriage and kids for the last year only for it to disappear so quickly I don't need to rebound, I need to find myself. Don't get me wrong I miss loving someone and the intimacy, its just that I need to find sometime to love myself and with the whirlwind of negative emotions going through my head at times this is going to take time.