Moonphase Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Hey guys! So for a long time now, my fiance has had the fantasy of me getting intimate with another guy or girl. At first, the thought of it turned me off completely and I could barely bring myself to even consider it. But now, I'm more open to it. He wants me to do it desperately, and I think I would if only I felt more comfortable with my body. Anyway, I've often thought about how this could negatively effect us. I've asked him what would happen if he suddenly got jealous and upset after it was too late and I'd already hooked up with someone; he said he'd just ask me not to do it again and wouldn't hold it against me. I've asked what would happen if suddenly HE wanted to hook up with another girl (I don't think I would be able to be comfortable with that); and he said he would never ask me if he can do that. I would love to do this, but I'm worried about it causing big problems. I should trust him when he says it won't, but you never know with this sort of thing, right? If some of you could offer your stories and advice about similar situations, it might help me in my decision. Link to comment
buddha55 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 He would never ask you if he could hook up with another girl..... Until he says it's only fair since you hooked up with another guy Link to comment
Michelle23 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I need more info. How long have you been together? Do you trust him completely? Why does he want you to do this? Does he want to be present when this happens? Does he have someone in mind or does he want you to have sex with a stranger? Does he want to be involved (threesome)? Bringing a third party into a monogamous relationship normally leads to trust issues and jealousy and the fact that you are comfortable being with someone else but you dont want him to be is already a warning sign that this will probably not work. Emotionally, you may feel used, dirty, ashamed, guilty afterwards and he may become jealous, possessive, paranoid and get revenge by cheating on you. He may ask weird questions also like was he/she better than me in bed? Was he bigger than me? And your answer may really disturb him. Sometimes this situation can lead to anger, aggression and violence or even an unwanted pregnancy or std. This could also be a test to see how loyal you actually are. Ultimately its up to you. I know a man who asked his wife to try swinging for months and when she finally agreed they ended up getting a divorce because the other man had a bigger **** and his wife enjoyed the experience. Link to comment
paperboy48 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I think there is definetly a risk for effectign your relationship. I don't think its right that you are so open to doing this with another man, yet would never be open to letting your partner being with another woman. Now if you are going to be with a woman to turn on your partner, I could see that being just a little playful time. Just my opinion. Link to comment
Moonphase Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 He would never ask you if he could hook up with another girl..... Until he says it's only fair since you hooked up with another guy I've made it clear to him that I am not, and probably will never be, comfortable with that...so if he ever wants to go down that road and try and guilt me into letting him do it, then that's a risk he'd be stupid to take. Then again.... is that fair? Is it hypocritical of me to hate the thought of him hooking up with someone else, but get turned on by the thought of me doing it? (Sometimes, anyway - I don't always like the thought of it) Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Yikes. I would be so offended if my boyfriend asked me this - him being OK with sharing me (or vice versa, him wanting to be shared, himself) would hurt my feelings and definitely negatively impact my views on the relationship. In fact, it would probably end it, because it would be a fundamental difference in our outlooks. That said, if you're OK with it, just make sure you understand all the consequences. Read up on it, because I know there are many cases where it turned ugly and ended up destroying a relationship. Link to comment
Moonphase Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 We've been together for 6 years. I trust him completely. He wants me to do it because he thinks it'd be hot - we talk about it a lot during sex and he wants it to happen in real life instead of just fantasy. He said he is okay with either being there or not being there. He doesn't want to get involved. And usually our fantasies involve an unknown person, but I've told him before I'd rather do it with someone I know, someone I can trust. I'm not even 100% that I would be comfortable with hooking up with someone since half the time it turns me on and the other half it doesn't. It's a big thing to consider. Also, during sex, he's had me tell him about my past intimate experiences with guys - and he loves it. So I don't think he's just pretending it turns him on just to see how loyal I am. Especially since for the first 6 months or something, I couldn't even think about it or talk about it because it felt wrong and dirty. Link to comment
Moonphase Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Yikes. I would be so offended if my boyfriend asked me this - him being OK with sharing me (or vice versa, him wanting to be shared, himself) would hurt my feelings and definitely negatively impact my views on the relationship. In fact, it would probably end it, because it would be a fundamental difference in our outlooks. That said, if you're OK with it, just make sure you understand all the consequences. Read up on it, because I know there are many cases where it turned ugly and ended up destroying a relationship. Yes, I was hurt by it for awhile. I thought "If he loves me so much why would he want to share me?" It took awhile but I started to understand his point of view. He describes it like "watching the sexiest porn star in the world". Thing is, I can't figure out why I'm okay with me doing it (hypothetically - I'm not 100% sure yet) but not okay with him doing it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I can tell you generally that years ago I gave in to something a boyfriend wanted me to do even though I didn't feel entirely comfortable with it -and he knew I didn't. Afterwards I think he respected me less and was less into me (and what I did was nothing that anyone would find personally humiliating or embarrassing -it was simply the fact that he knew I went outside my comfort zone) . Obviously some actions that go outside your comfort zone can trigger increased respect in the other person but I think when it involves going against what you're comfortable with in an intimate manner -and when the other person still wants you to do it even knowing that -there's a great risk that he won't respect you as much. Also who's to say he won't up the ante after and want you to do other stuff even further outside your comfort zone? Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Batya makes some great points. For me, this wouldn't even be a question of, "Should I do it?" It would be, "Should I stay with this man?" Link to comment
and so it goes Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 he thinks it'd be hot - we talk about it a lot during . One can have some pretty awesome ideas about sexy stuff when one is all turned on and the heat is happening. You guys need to talk about this when your NOT both in the throws of passion. A dude's erection can come up with some super crazy ideas. If it only seems like a cool idea when one "has the horn" but it seems like a dubious idea during the light of day then it is likely not a good idea.... Link to comment
Captain Obvious Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I dont think a person can know how theyd react until it actually happens, personally Id never take that risk. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I find it very risky as well, and wouldn't consider it. I would also be concerned that my partners sexual tastes would lead him to escalate the swinging to something that I could not handle and that the relationship would fall apart. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 If you aren't 100% sure this is something you want, then why not just enjoy the fantasy for what it is? Link to comment
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