Trying to not get too excited....

[Nattersmatter]

Has there been anyone at your group classes that you'd like to become friends with?

 

Anyway, about the slip-up. At least that's all it was. Just because you're effectively on a diet and one day lose it and stuff your face full of cream cakes, doesn't mean you ditch the entire diet. You just learn from the fact that it DIDN'T make you feel better - the diet does! - and endeavour not to make the mistake again.

 

I understand venting but you go too far. Why can't you just say, 'Help, I'm feeling really miserable and hopeless!'? Who was it taught you simple statements like that don't work to get attention when needed and only melodrama does? Somebody CLEARLY encouraged you into that bad habit so - who was it?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Part of this that frustrates me most is, I lost her cause I was afraid if I told her how I really felt I'd lose her. The fear I had came true not because I did what I was afraid of but because I didn't do it. In other words my fears became reality because of fear.

 

Now I find myself afraid of what will happen or not happen if i contact her so I havent, I have also let myself over think my approach, so yet again I find myself being ruled by my fears.

 

You don't trust life, that's your trouble. And you don't trust its chemistry. And you don't trust it's people and it's people's advice. If you had faith enough to risk making mistakes and faith enough that if you DID make a mistake you'd still come out of the wash perfectly okay, you'd not find taking any life-affecting decision so overwhelming in concept.

 

It's daft to say you've worked out that focusing on the cars coming in the opposite direction rather than the mid-ground of the road ahead is what made you unwittingly and automatically drive into that oncoming traffic yet in the same breath say you're finding yourself staring at the oncoming traffic again. You'd have us believe that you have learning difficulties to the point of "special school". Don't believe ya. So what's it really about, then? Is this you deliberately abusing yourself?

 

xoxo

[Elektra22]

Hey Rock you absolutely have to stop drinking, especially while taking anti-depressants. The reason you have been especially messed up lately is you are imbibing on the vodka train and alcohol is a depressant, while the anti-depressants will magnify the effects of alcohol- it's a vicious circle and it will indubitably increase the likelihood of unleashing your self sabateur side, which is the last thing you need to deal with. I think it would most undoubtedly be in your best interests to attend AA as you were contemplating earlier- not only would it be an invaluable tool to give you support, but it will also aid in giving you some insight into your destructive tendencies and how best to cope with them. I applaud your foresight and initiative into going this route!

 

 

Rock you seem to be crippled almost by your fear of failure, which is understandable given all the hardships you have endured, but when it comes down to it, do you want to be wallowing in a quagmire of regrets and what ifs or do you want to say at least I tried to the best of my abilities, fought with everything I had, and gave it my absolute best shot? I know you have the werewithal to overcome your innermost demons- you have already come remarkably far- just stay off the booze, keep working out, keep working your job, put yourself out there with your girl, and kick some more ass the way I know you can!

[Nattersmatter]

Rock,

 

Like wot she just dun sed!

 

xoxo

[rocknrolla]

I've been laying in bed most of the day, tomorrow's a new day so I'll start a new.

 

I imagined this going a little different, I figured we'd be on better talking terms by now and working towards hanging out. The slow pace frustrates me and gives me anxiety.

[rocknrolla]

I wish I could tell her all the things I feel, how I'm making change, and earn her trust back. Knowing I can't do that at least not now really sucks, .

[rocknrolla]

I'm not doing too well at the moment, god I just want her back.......

[zep]

Rock, I really think you need to stop focusing on this girl and work on yourself. You need to 1) Stop drinking 2) Start working.

 

There is NOTHING more depressing than having too much free time and no structure and purpose. Humans just are not wired to have the time to lay around in bed all day. It's not good for the human spirit. You took your security exams and did really well; when will you start working?

[Nattersmatter]

I wish I could tell her all the things I feel, how I'm making change, and earn her trust back. Knowing I can't do that at least not now really sucks, .

 

What do you MEAN 'knowing I can't do'? Who SAID you can't? Did she say to your mother, 'I don't want him to get in contact with me for at least X weeks/months'???

 

xoxo

[rocknrolla]

I've been laying in bed most of the day, tomorrow's a new day so I'll start a new.

 

I imagined this going a little different, I figured we'd be on better talking terms by now and working towards hanging out. The slow pace frustrates me and gives me anxiety.

 

What do you MEAN 'knowing I can't do'? Who SAID you can't? Did she say to your mother, 'I don't want him to get in contact with me for at least X weeks/months'???

 

xoxo

 

I mean I can't talk to her about us or anything like that cause shes not at a place where she's ready to talk about us.

[camus154]

I imagined this going a little different, I figured we'd be on better talking terms by now and working towards hanging out. The slow pace frustrates me and gives me anxiety.

 

This is because you're still only focused on getting her back, not moving forward for yourself. See how fickle your own motivations are when you focus on the former instead of the latter? Impatience, anxiety, doubt....When you try to "better yourself" for the sake of getting someone else back, you're trying to heal with strings attached. Eventually they'll start working against you.

[Nattersmatter]

(Even if he didn't need to better himself and they'd broken up for some totally different reason, he'd still feel frustrated at having to bide his time. When you finally become surer than sure what direction you should be headed in, you want to waste no time in getting there, not have to sit and wait.)

 

What I'm TRYING to establish, Rock, is why you are treating her not being ready to have the debrief and future feasibility study talk as if it means you can't talk to her or meet up with her? *That*, IMO, is the condition you're apparently attaching despite the two aren't that heavily mutually inclusive.

 

xoxo

[camus154]

But there's a difference in feeling frustrated because you're broken up and have to move on, and feeling frustrated because you're trying to get back together and it's taking longer than you'd like.

 

People going through break ups are some of the most selfish people on the planet, with no disrespect meant towards the OP. They've lost something they didn't want to lose and then their sole mission in life is getting it back. Restoring the normalcy and comfort of the expired relationship. They say all kinds of things about bettering themselves and changing and being the person they should have been during the relationship--the person they promise, cross your heart and swear on your mother's grave, they'll become now. But look what happens when the wishes of the ex are at odds with what they want. Look at how the impatience grows when it doesn't happen as soon as they'd like.

 

That's why I believe the only sane way of going about getting someone back is to let them go. The only way you can really change yourself is to do so without these strings attached.

[Nattersmatter]

But there's a difference in feeling frustrated because you're broken up and have to move on, and feeling frustrated because you're trying to get back together and it's taking longer than you'd like.

 

Relationship: a non-tangible, ever-amassing quality of constantly-recurring interaction between one person and another.

 

Moving on and getting back together are man-made concepts in terms of the 'versus' aspect. Both, in fact, are moving on: The relationship he and she once had is dead, finished, kaput, no more, FACT. The two people involved, however, aren't dead. There is no getting "back" together, there is only getting together a second time. Whether you're moving on towards a new relationship with [a] someone you had a relationship with before or some new person or [c] with yourself (single), all require moving on. So I disagree you let the PERSON go, but I agree you let the *RELATIONSHIP* go.

 

So now to moving on: he's passed his security exam and not just passed it but killed it (80%). I call that him having moved on from where he was right after they'd broken up, don't you? Rock's slipping up occasionally but from the sounds of it, not NEARLY as much as he was before (when he approached me through Amandacast he was on the suicide thread). I call that an improvement, progress, as well. He controlled his urges VERY well at the party. That, too - progress. He's been sounding a lot better these days, too - progress. He's seen through the group therapy. Ditto. And been going more regularly to the gym. Ditto. There may be other improvements we don't know about, as well.

 

Diets of any kind are very difficult to sustain, so one is bound to have the odd bad day here and there where one slips up. Particularly when it's reached a critical length. That doesn't mean the entire diet's ruined or that he doesn't to become slimmer because he's just had a night of helplessly howling his face off. The REASON why he howled his face off is because he's got this attitude:

 

"I can't eat cream cakes so that means I can't go the bakery and I can't even EAT FULL-STOP". And from this, you're concluding he doesn't want to lose weight predominantly for his own gain despite when 'own gain' includes gaining a new relationship - but with a certain non-stranger. Cos he certainly ain't doing it for his neighbour's benefit, and nor is he just for hers where he himself would rather not.

 

And beneath that, what I understand you to actually be saying is, If Rock were moving on towards or [c] he'd find it easier than moving fowards towards [a] (.... aka "Awww - too much like hard work - f*ck 'er and chuck 'er").

 

Answer: Yes he would and No he wouldn't. No he wouldn't and Yes he would. It's like that question over who has it hardest: the widow who got to share 50 long years with her husband before he died or the widow who'd only got to spend 2 yrs with her new husband before he died.

 

I guess we should ask Rock if he thinks he WOULD find it easier to call it Over hence continue improving but whereby it's then solely for his own benefit as a singleton or singleton with a view to meeting A N Other-New?

 

(Would you, Rock?)

 

Or is it neither here nor there and the only genuine obstacle being him REFUSING to go anywhere near the bakery for a sandwich just because what HE actually wants is a cream cake?

 

Hunger Strike, that's called.

 

He's not so much attaching conditions as placing a ruddy great WEIGHT-TYPE RESTRAINT ON HIMSELF.

 

Hardly surprising he's suffering, is it (the ruddy great numptie

 

xoxo

[rocknrolla]

To answer ur ever confusing question, I don't want to be single, nor do I want to be with any other girl, I love her therefore I only want to be with her. But saying that I'm only good for her if I'm at my best, I find it hard to get there without her though, which came first the chicken or the egg? Get what I mean.

[Nattersmatter]

PS Cams: "They say all kinds of things about bettering themselves and changing and being the person they should have been during the relationship--the person they promise, cross your heart and swear on your mother's grave, they'll become now."

 

Did "they"? What a lazy b*tches. ;-)

 

Yeah. Simon was (were?) (was) a lazy b*tch. But my late father wasn't. My late mother chucked my late father (before they were late, obviously, LOL) because he wasn't being what she knew he could be (tap-able/useable potential versus non-tap-able/un-useable). So he went away and then came back duly improved. Did he do it for her? Yooou betcha. And I have more stories than merely belong to my parents as well. I have, for example, one acquaintance who did this - sent him away because he was being a career flake and couldn't be a good provider. He got a better job and came back to 'show' her and now they're married (coming up 2 years).

 

"Exes" aren't this or that. "Some PEOPLE" are this or that. And these "some people" enter relationships like any other person/the rest of the people. And if you're veeery unlucky, you end up saddled with the uggers for a while. ...and then you end up with a distinctly NON-ugger and thank god/whatever that you got saddled with the lazy ugger because if not, you'd never have taken that path as further up led to the lovely non-ugger.

 

xoxo

[zep]

You being your best always always comes first Rock. Thats why theres s aying "you cant be happy with anyone else until you are happy by yourself."

[Nattersmatter]

To answer ur ever confusing question, I don't want to be single, nor do I want to be with any other girl, I love her therefore I only want to be with her. But saying that I'm only good for her if I'm at my best, I find it hard to get there without her though, which came first the chicken or the egg? Get what I mean.

 

What - my question? What was confusing about it?

 

Yeah, I'm sure everyone does know what you mean. But I especially have your number, you sneaky little wotsit.... Mr Nudge-Nudge-Nudge to the power of 100. ;-p It's called I'M BORED AND LONELY AND IN NEED OF ATTENTION. Which was my point on Satdee night: ASK NICELY, don't threaten. And which was my point last week: SO GO WHEREVER YOU CAN MAKE NEW FRIENDS. Or post a warning in the place of 'home is where your heart is', a la: Warning: Apt to vent, sorry if you take me over-seriously when I do.

 

?

 

xoxo

[camus154]

I'm sure you have the best intentions, Nattersmatter, but I confess....I have a really hard time following most of what you're trying to say.

 

All I'm trying to say is that the OP is better off focusing on himself and truly changing for the better--no strings attached. With or without this girl.

[rocknrolla]

I'm sure you have the best intentions, Nattersmatter, but I confess....I have a really hard time following most of what you're trying to say.

 

All I'm trying to say is that the OP is better off focusing on himself and truly changing for the better--no strings attached. With or without this girl.

 

I'm going to make something a little clear for anyone reading, there is no "without her" only with her, being without her cor me is like being without oxygen. Once you have that one person who fullfills your life in ways you never imagined, no matter how happy u were before them being without them you can never attain the same happiness

[zep]

Well, you've been doing fine staying alive without her for the last 8 months or so, so obviously she's not "oxygen" to you. Enough with the melodrama. This is your life, not a movie or a novel. Get it together and cool it with all the dramatics. No girl needs a suicidal, unemployed alcoholic as a life partner. That's just a fact. If you really want to be a partner to this girl you will get your life together. Stop talking about it and promising it and DO IT.

[zep]

What I'm basically saying is, all you seem to be thinking about is what this girl can do for you. Why you need her in order to do pretty much anything with your life. Without her, you're done, you give up.

 

Well what do you think SHE needs? What do you think she is looking for in a partner? She is not just some sort of life preserver. She is a person, who has needs and wants too. She needs someone who can be strong on their own, so when she needs support you can give it. It's totally unfair to expect her to be your oxygen. That's so incredibly unbalanced and unfair and waaaay too much pressure.

 

She doens't WANT to be that, and that's why she broke up with you. Which she's made very clear. She wants you to be a strong capable adult.

[camus154]

I'm going to make something a little clear for anyone reading, there is no "without her" only with her, being without her cor me is like being without oxygen. Once you have that one person who fullfills your life in ways you never imagined, no matter how happy u were before them being without them you can never attain the same happiness

 

You're too old to really believe such stuff, OP. Sorry, but come on....we've all been there. Do you think you're the first person to have lost someone special?

 

I'm with zep. Enough of the melodrama and the pity party. Time to be an adult and pick yourself up and move forward.

[Shane Falco]

I'm going to make something a little clear for anyone reading, there is no "without her" only with her, being without her cor me is like being without oxygen. Once you have that one person who fullfills your life in ways you never imagined, no matter how happy u were before them being without them you can never attain the same happiness

 

And this mentality is what's holding you back and what will ultimately lead to your demise in any reconciliation attempt if you continue it.

[rocknrolla]

What I'm basically saying is, all you seem to be thinking about is what this girl can do for you. Why you need her in order to do pretty much anything with your life. Without her, you're done, you give up.

 

Well what do you think SHE needs? What do you think she is looking for in a partner? She is not just some sort of life preserver. She is a person, who has needs and wants too. She needs someone who can be strong on their own, so when she needs support you can give it. It's totally unfair to expect her to be your oxygen. That's so incredibly unbalanced and unfair and waaaay too much pressure.

 

She doens't WANT to be that, and that's why she broke up with you. Which she's made very clear. She wants you to be a strong capable adult.

 

Funny thing is I was all those good things when we met, and even more so as our relationship grew. Now I'm some crippled, whiney mess I don't even recognize anymore, it's like when she left she took everything about me she was attracted to with her.