Should I just cut my losses and move on?

[lostnscared]

I met a guy through work back in October. At the time that I met him, I wasn't looking for anything at all. I have kids and had just broken up with my ex(the father of my kids) who I had been with for 8 years. The relationship had gotten dysfunctional toward the end of it, so I felt pretty scarred by it all and wasn't interested in dating. And after not working for almost 2 years I finally got a part time job in October, which is when I met the guy. From the first day I started he pursued me aggressively. He kept trying to get my phone number, brought me flowers to work, constantly told me I was beautiful and always helped me when I needed help at work with certain projects. I ignored him becauase I figured he was just trying to play me and again I wasn't interested in dating him. But a few weeks after getting to know him I gave him my phone number(just wanting to be friends) and he started texting me everyday telling me how he can't wait to see me at work, and that I'm so beautiful and blah blah blah. Eventually I started to like him as well. And I started to text him back, flirt with him at work, get to know him, etc. I looked forward to seeing him. But he constantly asked me out on dates and I kept declining. Then my mom passed away and due to grief amongst other things, me and my family decided it would be best if I put my home up for rent and move to Philly where my dad currently lives to get extra help with my kids and get through my grief. I went back to to work a couple of weeks after her death(really just to get my mind off it) but I told him what happened and he was pretty understanding. Told me he still really liked me and was sorry for my loss, and he stayed in touch while I was away. When I came back to work, it was the same thing, him flirting with me at work, etc. The texting did decline some(as in he stopped texting me as much) but he still pushed for a date. So I went on a date with him. The date went really well and we had a great time. I didn't sleep with him(don't believe in casual sex) but we did kiss. We went out another time after that and again another great time. Truth be told he acted like a school boy around me--like very shy and awkward and just staring in my eyes a lot and telling me I was beautiful. But at work he was much different(around coworkers) he was outgoing, louder, funny, sort of like a "class clown" in a professional environment lol. He constantly told people(other coworkers) that he liked me and so everyone at our job knew it and knew that we had went on dates. It did make things awkward. But honestly I was flattered.

 

Well the last day I saw him, he gave me a hug and told me that he wants to continue to talk even when I move and that he wanted to be more than friends. I didn't really respond to that, because truthfully I wasn't sure if I wanted an LDR, especially when I'm dealing with grief, but I did say I wanted to remain "friends" and keep in touch. And I moved right before Christmas. Since then he continued to communicate with me. At one point he told me he wanted to fall in love with me, I asked him why and told him I was an emotional mess and he said he understand but that he wanted to help me get through it, and I can call him whenever I need to, etc. Things did get a bit sexual--we would send each other dirty text messages, and I asked him for a picture of his penis, which he did send me. Anyway things were going good, and then a couple of weeks ago the communication died down. He was contacting me less and I let him know that I wanted to talk more and he kept promising we would, but we didn't. In the meantime I do know that there are a few woman at his job(where I used to work) that like him. I knew it while I was working there. He is an attractive guy so I wasn't surprised. But I did ask him if he was interested in either one of them and he said "no, that he only wanted me", etc. But since we weren't exclusive and since I didn't want him to think that we were boyfriend and girlfriend I told him if he was interested in any of the girls that were interested in him, that it was fine if he acted on it. And he was just like "no...". Anyway we had made plans right after I moved for him to come up and visit me once I was settled. So essentially at the mid-end of next month(Feb) he was going to come up for 4 nights and visit me.

 

But as I said, in the last couple of weeks communication died down. At first rather than us talking 5-6 times a week, it was to 3-4 times, but then by last week it was down to twice a week. And now currently, I have not heard from him since Sunday. Last week he did start back school after taking a semester off. He did tell me when we were working together that he had taken the semester off because previously when he was working fulltime and going to school fulltime, he started to have a hard managing his time and had little to no time to himself. So he had taken a break. Since he's back to school full time and working full time(as of last week) then I realize that he is busier than what he was previously when we were talking much more often. However I confronted him last week about it and asked him if he wanted to just stop talking since it was obvious that he was busy and that essentially it probably didn't make sense for us to talk that much because we're in different states and etc. I told him I would not be upset if he didn't want to stop talking and that I'd rather he be honest with me then for me to continue to think that our friendship was "okay" when it really wasn't and he wasn't into it. And he said "no, please don't stop talking to me, I still like you like crazy and I want you, I'm just busy with school, etc." I said "I understand and that is why maybe we should just stop talking you seem like you have too much on your plate anyway and once again he said no he wants us to keep talking. So I relunctantly agreed. The next day he communicated with me, and a couple of days later he communicated with me. But the last time I talked to him was on Sunday. I am not going to reach out to him again, or initiate a conversation with him since I already confronted him once(last week) and gave him the opportunity to tell me that he was not interested or did not want to talk. But since after having that convo, things have not changed I'm wondering if it's time to just cut my losses and move on.

 

There are two things that are stopping me from completely cutting him off

 

A) I do like him and think he's a good guy.

B) After talking with a friend about it, she said that he's not my boyfriend so technically he isn't obligated to call me or communicate with me regularly. So I can't necessarily get mad that I'm not a priority.

 

The truth is that while I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship, I was looking for a companion(some to talk to) and eventually someone to be intimate with, but I didn't want a relationship. I let him know that early on and he was okay with it. I guess what I'm wondering is what I should do?

 

(sorry it's so long)

[pl3asehelp]

I think what you're looking for is going to be very hard to find. You want a guy to basically communicate with you as if he were your boyfriend, yet you don't want to commit to a relationship. Even if you're offering sex, this is still a lot to expect someone to do.

[lostnscared]

I think what you're looking for is going to be very hard to find. You want a guy to basically communicate with you as if he were your boyfriend, yet you don't want to commit to a relationship. Even if you're offering sex, this is still a lot to expect someone to do.

 

I wasn't going to necessarily offer sex to him off the bat (just intimacy like cuddling, kissing, etc and if I felt comfortable and felt strongly enough about him eventually sex) but I was mainly just looking for a close male friend(I guess) that I can hug and kiss at times and do fun things with. But I suppose your right. I don't want a relationship right now--they cause me too much stress and are too much work. I guess the thing I don't understand is why was this arrangement okay with him but now all of the sudden he doesn't want to do it anymore? I didn't ask him to be exclusive, heck I even pushed him to date and sleep with one of the girls that he works with because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea about our friendship. And still despite this he continued to communicate with me at least 5-6 times a week. And now all of the sudden he isn't interested in it anymore? I guess I'm just confused on why all of the sudden he started to fall off and why when I gave him an out he didn't just come out and say he wasn't interested in doing this any further.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with pleasehelp (and I'm so sorry to hear about your mom Lost, my heart goes out to you). I think after 8 years with your ex (who you will forever have to stay in contact with because of your girls) and then losing your mom and THEN making such a big move, it's probably best to just cut all ties with him and dating in general. Give yourself time to grieve not only your mom's death but the passing of an 8 year relaitonship that while it ended, it gave you two beautiful girls. Grieve and really look and search for what you want - do you really want the companion style relationship you described above or is that simply what you want only because you've recently went through a pretty messy break up?

 

I think he was/is genuinely interested in you and genuinely wanted to keep in contact and keep things up but perhaps once you actually moved and both got into your separate routines he realized this just wasn't for him? And since he is a good guy he doesn't want to hurt you.

[lostnscared]

Honestly though, around the time I broke up with my ex which was at the beginning of the summer in June, I had already mourned the relationship before ended(I was just done before it ended) and then over the summer I also got over him. By the time I started the job I had no feelings for my ex, or the relationship beyond guilty feelings because he wanted to make it work with me and be with me and I just didn't feel the same(I no longer loved him). So while the relationship with my ex and the messy complicated break up does factor into why I didn't want another relationship, it's also the fact that I just realized that I no longer felt like having to make sacrifices or compromises or anything else and I'd rather be selfish and just "date" or have a "friend" than hurt someone(again) while in a relationship. In terms of my mom, well she committed suicide and honestly grieving about it just makes me feel very sick, and hurt and sad and angry with her. I'd rather not think about it and life seems much better when I don't think about it and distract myself. Talking to him made me feel good. Maybe that's why I continued it, even though I knew he liked me more than what I wanted.

 

And I guess your last two sentences are right--maybe he didn't want to come out and say it... I don't understand guys lol, I thought by spelling it out for him and giving him a chance to come out and say that he wasn't interested that he would actually come out and say "it" but maybe I gave him too much credit. I guess I will just move on. And I know that I need to take this time to not date and grieve, but I do want to date and have some fun, it's depressing just sitting here grieving about someone who could have lived but chose to end their lives.

 

I also feel kind of stupid for not getting the clue. I did start to develop feelings for him, and I did tell him that I missed him on Sunday and he told me he missed me too, and then he doesn't call for days. I feel like I got played. :sulkiness: And it doesn't help because I know no one yet out here and it's just me and the girls and my sister and my dad and I'm lonely and somewhat sexually frustrated. I do really want to date though.

[pl3asehelp]

It's an odd set of expectations you have for him and he probably had never encountered anything like that and was confused about how to respond - my guess. And most male/female friendships are nothing like what you're describing with communication 5-6 days a week and then for sure hugging and kissing - sounds like you just want a boyfriend you don't have to commit to.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sorry to hear the circumstances around your mom's death Lost. I can't begin to understand were you stand and feel about that and I know you just want to move on (not in a negative way, but a just wanting to get past it and continue life) but I think all those feelings you are having about her death do need to be explored, even if it makes you sick and angry, as most people who are left behind after a loved one commits suicides feel.

 

As for the guy, well, it could also be he reevaluted what you wanted and realized he wanted more. Or someone else caught his eye. You may never know.

[lostnscared]

Well thank you guys for the advice. I didn't realize I was confusing him... I told him early on that I wasn't interested in a relationship. He told me he wasn't either(when we first met) because he had just gotten out of a complicated relationship as well. Then as time went on, he started to say he was falling for me and that if I weren't moving he'd want to be my boyfriend, etc. He also brought up marriage a few times(asking me what I thought about it, if I wanted to eventually get married, etc). I did find it weird that he was so fixated on it, but he claimed he wasnt interested in a relationship too, that he wanted the same thing I did--a companion, someone to be intimate with, and have fun with. So I thought we were on the same page. Later on I got the feeling that he wanted more, but by that point I was in the process of moving and he said he wanted to continue to talk, so I continued with it. And even with me pushing him to date or have sex with other girls he continued to talk to me, the way he was before, so he never verbalized that he was unhappy with how things were going. Oh well.

[lostnscared]

I'm sorry to hear the circumstances around your mom's death Lost. I can't begin to understand were you stand and feel about that and I know you just want to move on (not in a negative way, but a just wanting to get past it and continue life) but I think all those feelings you are having about her death do need to be explored, even if it makes you sick and angry, as most people who are left behind after a loved one commits suicides feel.

 

As for the guy, well, it could also be he reevaluted what you wanted and realized he wanted more. Or someone else caught his eye. You may never know.

 

This is what I think might have happened. It seems like right around the time he started back school, the communication died down, so he might have met someone at school. I did ask him and he said he hadn't. But he may have just been trying to save face. I just wish I wouldn't have started to develop feelings for him.

 

AS for grieving my mom--I just can't right now honestly. And I don't think I'd get closure anyway so it just seems moot right now. I guess when it does hit me really badly that's when I'll deal with it. But I'd rather not deal with it right now.

[lostnscared]

Well he contacted me today. He sent me a text message asking if everything was okay and where I have been. It was odd, it was almost as if he expected me to be the one initiating contact with him. I admit that there were previous points where I was the one initiating the contact(such as last week for example) but I guess since I chose not to at all this week, it took five days for him to get the clue and contact me. I sent him a message that said everything was okay--and that was all I said in the message. Because I'm wondering if he is playing games with me... Like he expects me to continue chasing after him? I decided last night after reading posts on Baggage Reclaim(an awesome website) that I needed to fallback from him and distance myself. I'd still like to be a friend with him, with occasional contact but I'm not going to be the one initiating contact with him anymore.