I need urgent advise, please...

[ChellyV]

This man is kinda falling in the emotionally unavailable category, but I have known him for 3 years. Off and on we went, all the time ending in the same sob story - he needs to take care of himself. So, he calls me tonight to tell me that he cannot see a future life with me due to his own problems and issues with his life. I was quiet, I just said, I think you are meant to be alone the rest of your life. Bad I know, but I just said it like that. And that I cannot be going on like this, as its been a hard torturing ordeal really. This man is in a box and put a wall between us even in our loving, friendship days. I do not even know why I stuck it out with him. And then I said, I can no longer be his friend if he really thinks that he can hurt me all the time like this.

 

When we both had calmed down, he sobbed so hard and said his life will never be straightened out, that he will always be a piece of sh*t, and that all his ex's are in good relationships while he cannot carry on a solid one with me. I really didn't feel much at that time, and asked him..is this really what you want. He evaded the question and blabbered about wanting to die, and wishes to die in his sleep and wants to kill himself.

 

I am dealing with his abandonment issues all the time. I am exhausted with the struggle and most of all, playing the supportive girlfriend while I feel like crap inside. I truthfully do not know what to do. He wants to meet on Saturday. I have no feelings about it right now, although I know there will be painful attacks in the coming days. My instinct tells me not to go. For he would repeat over and over his desire not to be with me. I feel like I need to take care of myself now. But what if he makes true his plans to disappear from this world, God forbid. Please advise on what to do.

[RedDress]

I agree that you shouldn't go.

 

I do truly believe that people who are emotionally unavailable (at least most of them) don't do it on purpose. He likely genuinely feels that he "needs to take care of himself" or something along those lines. But - it's kind of like an alcoholic. They can promise not to drink and really, really mean it - but should you believe them? I mean... no. Not unless they are getting some serious help. Similarly - I'm sure he wants to change. He can cry and talk about how messed up he is... he can feel bad about letting you down... but that does not mean that he suddenly is capable of letting someone in and having a proper relationship.

 

As one of my friends recently said to me (I like emotionally unavailable guys too) - are you looking for extra responsibility? Are you trying to find someone to fix? Do you need to be with them and sort through all their problems with them and help them figure themselves out? That's pretty exhausting. What's wrong with just having a normal relationship with a normal, available person?

 

As far as the suicide threats are concerned - yanno - this might be cold hearted, but I wouldn't listen to that. You can't base your life decisions on... well... blackmail. Isn't that just a whole lot more of trying to sort someone else out? I say, if you are concerned for his health and well being, contact his (parents, best friend, grown children, neighbor, etc) who is not romantically involved with him and let them know your concerns. Ask them to look after him and convince him to seek help. In no way should that shape your decision to stay in a relationship that is not working for you.

[iamkaylee]

What RedDress said is right. People like him, it's sad because they are their own worst enemy.

 

He knows he's messed up, he knows he needs help but he won't do what he knows he needs to do to fix himself and get better. He CAN have a loving relationship if he's willing to open himself up to having one. But, he's not willing. It's a vicious cycle of self sabotage and he's stuck in it. Depression and internalized emotional pain can be a huge part of this.

 

He needs professional help. You can't give him that. Encourage him to go see a counselor but he will push-pull you to madness if you let him.

[ChellyV]

thank you both. because i have reached an emotional exhaustion over this, i believe healing will take place faster. as i have been there before in past relationships. i shall close my doors so i can move on with my life...am getting too old for this. LOL...i hope the dark days won't be too long.