Is it possible to do it without NC?

[TakeAStepFrwd]

Almost everyone on ENA is pretty strict about NC. Everyone says that maintain NC. Which I actually agree with because NC helps you move forward without having relapses. My question is how to do it without NC. I am getting over her and then suddenly she would contact me. And I really don't have the will power to just ignore it. Every time I do so, I feel guilty. So even if I get determined and say NC, a week later if she contacts me I completely lose all that determination.

How do you think you can still try to get over the person while being in contact. Not contact as in everyday but maybe once in a while or so.

[Moontiger]

Block her number, block her on FB, if you get a letter from her find a dumpster and throw it in there.

[EssexMan]

NC is only a strategy. It's not a law of nature. You don't have to observe it 100% - the question is what works for you in getting over the relationship and moving on.

 

So, feeling guilty about breaking NC isn't necessary.

 

But, is breaking NC actually stopping you getting over stuff? What is the content of her messages?

[shessofly]

hmm i'm not sure. how is it working for you so far? do you feel setback by her contact?

[TakeAStepFrwd]

Moontiger: She is blocked on all media. I don't stalk her what so ever. The only problem is gmail does not block emails it only filters it So in any case I would find out if she emailed me or not, which is the main issue.

 

EssexMan I do believe her messaging me is stopping me getting over stuff. The content of message is mostly saying how she is sad and depressed. She still loves me but it is just that a relationship won't work. Just to give you an example. She broke contact with me saying that she wanted to see me and such. I said I don't think it is a good idea. Because if we are just seeing each other to make memories before you leave (she has to leave for grad school) then that will just not be good for me. Later on I gave in and said we can meet every now and then. But if we do so I don't to discuss the past or our problems, just have a good time and thats it until the next time we meet. Then later I got a message from her blaming me for this and that, cursing at me, saying I am unemphatic, that the failure of the relationship was my fault. And to that I just said I don't need this anymore so forget about meeting every now and then also. Now I am pretty determined not to talk to her or see her. But I feel like if she contacts me again I will forget and start talking to her again. I say this because it has happened in the past. So I wan't to know how to deal with this.

 

shessofly It is not working too good. Right now I feel determined and okay. And same in the past. I feel like I am moving on but then contacts happens again. And I think it is setting me back. Problem is after a while I forget the reasons why I started NC and start missing her or feeling jealous. Get low self esteem and such.

[Moontiger]

Have you made it clear to her that you want no contact?

[EssexMan]

Hmmm. Okay, those kind of messages aren't helpful.

 

Here's a possible strategy, if you don't want to go or aren't able to go 100% permanent NC.

 

If she contacts you about the relationship, just reply I don't want to discuss the relationship or words to that effect. Use the exact same wording every time.

 

If she contacts you about something non-emotive (the weather, mutual friends or interests, whatever), reply normally.

 

If you're lucky, she may get the message that you're prepared to be cordial, but don't want to hash over the past.

[delicous]

The only way to do that is to block all contact, otherwise, its playing games, which is nothing but what it is a game...

[Zero71]

Tell her that you don't want to talk to her unless it's to get back together (assuming you are the dumpee). Otherwise you need to be left alone for awhile before you can form some type of friendship. Give her a warning if it's has nothing to do with reconciliation you will ignore her attempts to reach out. The only way to move on is to put your foot down. She will keep bothering you unless you do something about it.

[Tinkie9901]

Every person is different, and the end of every relationship is different. BUT if you find that you aren't healing or moving forward while there is still contact, then you need to go NC. At the end of the day you need to do what works for you, and put yourself first, because your ex is only responsible for their own healing, not yours. It's a hard decision, but only one you can make.

[abitbroken]

If she contacts you it doesn't mean that you must contact her back. You are still doing the NO Contact thing if the person contacts you and you don't respond.

 

The thing is - if you just stay in touch with her - where is the break up in that?

 

Anyway, the next time she contacts you, delete it. If you are tempted to respond, call a friend and talk to them instead or take a walk or something. You can do this. You don't have to let her rake you accross the coals.

 

If time went on and she contacted you in a meaningful way, that's one thing, but this is very raw and you need to go away from her and not associate and cut her out of your life to be able to heal. If you were healed, her contact wouldn't bother you so much. You would just think "whatever" and not give it another thought.

 

What you are doing is not a "different method than NC" - you just feel bad that you aren't responding and then when you do read her stuff - the contact makes you feel bad also. Darned if you do, darned if you don't. I promise you once you can count the hours, days and weeks you have not talked to her, it will feel different and better and easier but you got to get away from her to do it.

[TakeAStepFrwd]

Thank you for the advice. I will try to follow it.

 

Yesterday she contacted me again demanding apologies and such and I did what you (Essexman) suggested. I responded by saying that I am not in a relationship with you and thus do not owe you anything. And that I do not want to discuss our relationship anymore. In return I got bombarded with dehumanizing words, curses and things that I would imagine a person saying to someone who rapes and kills people and tortures them. Things to the extent of I hope you get into an accident and your body and face get torn apart so your outsides reflect your inside. And that is just one example. It went on and on and said how cruel I was. I wonder if she realizes the irony in her emails.

 

But now I will maintain NC. Usually when she sends me these emails, I delete them as I don't want to read them and hold grudges forever. But this time I will keep all of them so the next time she contacts me, if she does, I can reread them and know what is about to follow. And if she doesn't then good for me. I know that in a week or so I may start feeling sad and guilty but right now I don't think I deserve to be called all that. I just need to try to remember that.

 

Once again Thank you!!

[EssexMan]

In return I got bombarded with dehumanizing words, curses and things that I would imagine a person saying to someone who rapes and kills people and tortures them. Things to the extent of I hope you get into an accident and your body and face get torn apart so your outsides reflect your inside. And that is just one example. It went on and on and said how cruel I was.

 

Sorry to hear that. If they're that extreme it doesn't sound like she's going to be reasonable, at least not yet, so perhaps total NC is indeed your only option.