Head versus heart - am I expecting too much?

[Greggie]

Okay, so I recently met this guy whom I was immediately attracted to and got on great with. We met at a nightclub, I spent the night but there was no hanky panky (and he was very respectful of that), and two days later, we went on a wonderful date where he was nothing but a gentleman towards me and I had an amazing time. Unfortunately, I was only on vacation, and had to leave the same day as our date, but he asked me to come back as soon as possible. I am the first to admit I am very impulsive when it comes to matters of the heart, and since it is a true rarity (for me at least) to meet guys I have chemistry with and that I am romantically interested in, the first thing I did when I got home was to book my ticket to go see him. This was now 3 weeks ago.

 

So, in the meantime, we have been doing the Skype thing, and I am getting to know him a lot better (and 7 hour Skype dates seem to go by in mere minutes!). However, there are some things about him that I don't particularly find that appealing and that aren't characteristics I would usually go for. First of all, he is EXTREMELY confident, to the point where it borders on arrogant. He is a self-described 'egomaniac' (exact words), and whilst I'm sure there are girls out there who find this sort of thing appealing, I am certainly not one of them. He is a successful doctor, incredibly attractive, smart, funny, the whole package, so certainly he has a lot going for him, but I still find it more charming when people do have a lot going for them but are still humble. Not that I'm saying either is wrong or right, but the latter is just my personal preference.

 

The other thing that bothers me is that he told me that morals are not something important to him in a romantic partner or people he surrounds himself with, which to me feels a little bit lacking in principle. He explained that he has made mistakes and does not feel that he is on some sort of moral high-ground where he has any right to condemn or judge people, and that everyone has had different circumstances in their lives, so who is he to say what is wrong or right, or that he would have behaved differently given the same circumstances. I understand this, but the thing is when someone violates my core values and principles, how I react is not an intellectual, logical process; it is simply an emotional reaction because something that runs deep within me has been violated, and if I feel that some sort of injustice has been done, not necessarily to me, I react. The fact that he can be so intellectual about it makes me feel that his principles maybe do not run that deep? Or maybe he just has a different way of thinking to me? I don't know.

 

Anyways, whilst we were having this conversation about morals, he told me that he felt like I was 'screening' him and that he was feeling very scrutinized, which of course made me feel horrible, because this was never my intention, and I would never want to make him feel bad about himself, or not good enough. He told me that if I was looking for someone who was perfect, if I was going to be this scrutinizing, then we would never work, simply because he would come up short.

 

The thing is, I am very idealistic, and I do overthink, and I do analyze people and try to suss out there personal characteristics (psych major - job hazard), and I am wondering if maybe I am being too demanding, and expecting too much? Believe me, I know there is no such thing as a perfect person, that is not what I am looking for at all, but how does one know what should qualify as a deal-breaker and what shouldn't? I really really truly do like him; he makes me laugh, the conversations are great, and I am just happy in his company. So, my heart feels one way, but my head another. So, which do I listen to?

 

Thank you in advance for any advice or words anyone has to offer me =)

[RedDress]

Ok - so - obviously we don't know this guy so we can only make very superficial statements based on what you picked up on.

 

The other thing that bothers me is that he told me that morals are not something important to him in a romantic partner or people he surrounds himself with... Anyways, whilst we were having this conversation about morals, he told me that he felt like I was 'screening' him and that he was feeling very scrutinized

 

I find this pretty alarming, personally. Morals are important! At least to me... Are you sure he wasn't feeling "screened" or "scrutinized" because he didn't like his own answer? I'd consider this a pretty major red flag, personally. To me it means that you can't rely on him to do the right thing in tough situations.

 

First of all, he is EXTREMELY confident, to the point where it borders on arrogant.

 

When I was younger, I used to confuse "confident" with "arrogant". You are right in that most "confident" people don't have to go around tooting their own horn. A part of intelligence, for example, isn't knowing everything - it's knowing some stuff and also knowing what you don't know and need help with. Condifence and arrogance are similar. Someone who is arrogant thinks they know everything and are "the best". People who are confident think what they know is perfectly acceptable and they are great - but they also know their weaknesses (and are ok with them).

 

Could he be a tad narcissistic? You'll have to decide as we don't know him at all - but this would be a major turn-off for me too.

[FYI]

As far as a serious and exclusive encounter (long-term commitment) I'm not sure the doctor would make a great fit. You need morals to be in a commited relationship and he doesn't have any remember?

[Greggie]

Thank you guys for your input =)

 

RedDress, I completely agree with you regarding the arrogance versus confidence distinction. Thankfully, he doesn't behave as if he knows it all and hasn't ever talked down to me, but I still find his level of confidence extreme and a bit off-putting. As far as narcissism goes, I am not sure yet; he tends to talk a lot (but not necessarily about himself), and hasn't come accross as too self-involved yet. This would definitely be a deal-breaker as people who are too self-involved is one of my greatest pet peeves.

 

FYI, you DEFINITELY need morals to be in a committed relationship (with me at least), but he has not said that HE does not have any, just that it is not an important quality to him in a romantic partner. Believe me, if I thought he didn't have any morals, I would be running for the hills by now and never looking back.

[EssexMan]

The other thing that bothers me is that he told me that morals are not something important to him in a romantic partner or people he surrounds himself with, which to me feels a little bit lacking in principle. He explained that he has made mistakes and does not feel that he is on some sort of moral high-ground where he has any right to condemn or judge people, and that everyone has had different circumstances in their lives, so who is he to say what is wrong or right, or that he would have behaved differently given the same circumstances.

 

I read this as somewhat condescending on his part. As if he's generously forgiving you for all the mistakes in life that he is sure you have made.

[kate150]

Do you know any of his friends? He may mean that he is very forgiving of people's pasts and non-judgemental about their decisions. But the quality of his friends might tell you more about his actions in this regard. If he picks quality people to spend his time with then I don't see the problem. However if he picks marginally moral people to spend his time with I would be worried. People do make mistakes and some people actually realize their mistakes and strive/change to make their lives better.

 

Another question would be what does he expect from a partner when you are a couple? Or even better, what should you expect from him as a partner? If he is ok with a partner's potential lapses in morals and you are a moral person then there isn't a problem since you will not be in that position. However, if he expects you to be forgiving of his lapses in morals, if any, then thats another matter entirely.

[Heather Dawn]

Are you sure he's a doctor and not just claiming to be? I don't know of many doctors who have the time to be out at night clubs or spend seven hours on Skype.

[Greggie]

Hey guys, thanks for your responses =)

 

Kate150, I don't know any of his friends, but you make a great point. Especially in saying that the important thing here is what I can expect from him as a partner. I guess this is not the sort of thing one can just ask directly (even in doing so, how can one expect an honest answer; if the morals in question are dubious, then the person would have no trouble lying about them anyways), but so far, he has treated me nothing but kindly and I feel he has been very upfront and forthright with me, which at least shows that he is an honest individual.

 

Heather Dawn, I am absolutely 100% certain that he is in fact a doctor. And it was not something he led off with; in fact, it did not come up at all until late late into the night when I happened to ask what he did for a living (something that I really liked; I don't find guys who brag charming at all, so I was definitely a bit disappointed to find that he is a lot less humble than he first appeared to be). And with regards to the club thing, I too found that a bit strange, especially since he is in his 30s, and he told me he goes out once a week(!). He explained to me that when a long-term relationship ended a couple of years ago, and his significant other had been the main person in his life, and all his other friends were married and settled down, going out became his way of socializing.