Dating before getting over ex? Good idea or not

[cc524]

I know I am not over my ex;I'm slowly forgetting him. At the same time, I feel very lonely. But I don't feel it's right to start dating someone new when I'm not over my ex yet.

 

What do you guys think? Did you have a similar dilemma before? How did you deal with it?

[SheliaCarter]

Personally I think you should work on getting over your ex before getting really seriously involved with someone else. It's good to meet new people and talk to them, but I think it's personally unfair to get into a relationship with someone when you're still not completely over your ex. All it's going to do is cause you more confusion. I say work more on yourself for now..

[Jennifer89]

Yes, I did. I used online dating and put in my profile that I was recently out of a LTR and was looking for something fun and light hearted. There are plenty of people in the same place. I had fun. It didn't last but I never thought it would. He was still way too in love and angry at his ex, I was too.

 

It actually helped me bc I wasn't sure if anyone else could make me happy. He did. It boost my self confidence because I felt like no one else would think I was sexy. He did.

 

I know a lot of people will say no, but I think as long as you and the other person know each others situations, it's ok. Just don't expect it to last.

[LonelyGirl10]

I think dating casually is fine. It takes your mind off things, and gives you confidence. However, I think it's important to be honest with the other person about what you're wanting or expecting. It's not fair to someone else if you make them think you're ready for a relationship when you're not.

[abitbroken]

Nope. don't date. Go out with friends or meet people for activities (wherever you would find a tennis partner, etc,). but don't subject someone to having feelings and then be the person who has the excuse of not being over the ex.

[EssexMan]

I'm slowly forgetting him.

 

That's very good.

 

In what sense do you think you're "not over" him? Simply remembering an ex, or occasionally thinking about them, doesn't mean you're not over them.

[irishbrat38]

I know I am not over my ex;I'm slowly forgetting him. At the same time, I feel very lonely. But I don't feel it's right to start dating someone new when I'm not over my ex yet.

 

What do you guys think? Did you have a similar dilemma before? How did you deal with it?

 

I think you need time to heal after a break up but, that's just me. It's not fair to start seeing someone else and possibly getting their hopes up for a relationship with you if all they are is the rebound guy.

[nookbridge]

I know I am not over my ex;I'm slowly forgetting him. At the same time, I feel very lonely. But I don't feel it's right to start dating someone new when I'm not over my ex yet.

 

What do you guys think? Did you have a similar dilemma before? How did you deal with it?

 

I did, and continue to do it, even though the ex is still in my mind a bit (6 months later or so). I think it's a good idea, but with everything in moderation. Take it for what it is - hone your dating skills, get the confidence boost you need out of it (ie. others are in fact available and amazing is what I learned) and get you out of your mental rut.

 

Do not take it for a means of trying to forcifully forget your ex, as a rebound, as a casual fling or anything where you are committing yourself to too much too soon. You need to define yourself first. Successful relationships can only have participants who are themselves whole alone, and the only way you can share your awesome lives is if you're both fully defined individuals. Relationships cause people to sacrifice and lose that definition, so first work on not feeling lonely with the incorporation of your family back into your life, enter new social circles to gain more friends via common interests and reinforce your current friendships.

 

Patience, patience, patience and learn from your ex. All experiences are enriching because we succeed and fail, and learn from both kinds of experiences. You'll become more attractive to everyone when you take those mistakes, turn them into rewarding experiences to avoid, and carry them through into your day-to-day life.

 

I went on a bit of a tangent, but yes, dating is great, so long as it's not a vice. What we want is to avoid addictions to things. We want to get variety back into your life, after spending so much of yourself on another person, that way if another relationship fails, or your lose a close friend, or let's say your in bad financial situations, you have back-up.

[sportsguy9981]

I dont think its a good idea to date someone new.. because you dont want to lead anyone on, and use someone. Being friends is different then dating someone, dating someone is more serious. To me Im not ready to date someone, because Im not over my ex and I will admit that. Unless its someone perfect, which nobody is, so I dont want to kid myself that Im ready. Besides you may think someone is perfect at first but then realize they are someone else that you didnt think they were. Personally I think women have alot easier time finding someone new faster, because it seems at least here that there are so many guys compared to women that women can sit back and wait for guys to come to them, if you're a guy at least where I live, a girl has maybe 3 or 4 other guys talking to her... i dont want to compete for someone, I want someone to really like me for who I am, so maybe thats why Im having such a hard time getting out there on the dating scene.. I just dont feel like I should compete for someone's attention, I didnt feel like I should with my ex either when she suddenly started talking to another guy, I wanted her to be with me because she wanted to not because I was fighting for her attention.

[LillyLooWho]

This is a pretty divided issue on ENA. A lot of people say to not date until you are over your ex and have done work on yourself and being ok with being single. On the other hand, some say that dating will help you get over the hump with your ex. This has always helped me. This is a personal choice and there is no right answer. If you are still a total mess about your ex, then it's too soon. If you are starting to feel separate from him and feeling lonely, then it might be ok to meet other people. You could try it and if it doesn't feel right, then stop. Just try not to hurt anyone in the process. Don't string someone along. That is just not fair. I wish you luck with this.

[MakesNoSense]

This is a pretty divided issue on ENA. A lot of people say to not date until you are over your ex and have done work on yourself and being ok with being single. On the other hand, some say that dating will help you get over the hump with your ex. This has always helped me. This is a personal choice and there is no right answer. If you are still a total mess about your ex, then it's too soon. If you are starting to feel separate from him and feeling lonely, then it might be ok to meet other people. You could try it and if it doesn't feel right, then stop. Just try not to hurt anyone in the process. Don't string someone along. That is just not fair. I wish you luck with this.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

Just be honest with the person you are dating so they know where they stand.

 

Respect their opinion as some may be fine with it, some others not.

[BlueEagle]

Definitely don't date if you're not over him. It's just not fair to the people you date. If you're lonely, why not focus on your hobbies, interests, spending time with family, friends, a pet if you have one, etc.? I will say, though, once you feel ready (and only you will know) to begin dating again, make a commitment that you won't let your ex or memory of your ex intrude into potential dates. It is true that dating can help you get over someone, but you don't want to rebound. Do it only when you know it feels right and once that happens you should be able to date with better success of finding that better match for you.

[IAmFCA]

In moderation or not at all.

 

I dated, liked nobody more than 2 or 3 dates worth, then met someone who fell hard despite my protests. That cured me of dating. I pulled down my profile and am happier for it.

 

I hope this snippet helps. Maybe the answer is that there is a continuum.

[doyathink]

Just do what your heart is ready for. Thats what you need to listen to. If you do decide to start dating, on whatever level...just make sure you let your intentions be known.

[Staples 29]

Ah.. I don't know. I think you'll know when you're ready.

 

I'm not over my ex per se (it's just coming up to three months) but I actually want to move on and be happy with someone else. So if I meet someone I find interesting enough to date then I will. I'll bear in mind that I have to take things slow and be upfront about it. I would never lead anyone on. I have always either been single OR dating exclusively. I've never cared for attention from men. I want the attention of the ONE person I care about.

 

It's quite different from the first time we broke up. I couldn't have dated anyone successfully even if I convinced myself I was ready. But I hadn't tried to let go. This time I did. I let go 5 days after we broke up. I am forgetting loads of things but I still randomly remember his eyes and I still think every now and then how attractive I found him in a fond way. But I have learnt (still learning) to separate it from present and think of it as any other fond memory from my past.

 

I do think if I met someone I was interested in I would have someone else's eyes to think about and he'll be completely history. So I guess it's relative. One might be at that stage where all you need is a new genuine person to let go completely of the old person. I still advocate being comfortable being single though.

[EssexMan]

I do think if I met someone I was interested in I would have someone else's eyes to think about and he'll be completely history. So I guess it's relative. One might be at that stage where all you need is a new genuine person to let go completely of the old person.

 

Yes, this can happen. The key is being aware of the risk of rebound, and being able to look at oneself objectively and checking that that's not happening. Awareness of the risk goes a very long way toward minimising it, IMHO.

[Polis]

No do not! I just dated a girl for two months and we both simply adored each other, but she thought she was done with her ex. Lo and behold she became nervous about our future and feelings for her ex began to creep in strongly.

 

She had to stop dating me because she is now conflicted as to what to do, she needs some time to heal and figure out what these feelings are telling her. It also doesn't help her ex still likes her.

 

Don't do this to someone, I am crushed and she is very upset this happened.

[nookbridge]

No do not! I just dated a girl for two months and we both simply adored each other, but she thought she was done with her ex. Lo and behold she became nervous about our future and feelings for her ex began to creep in strongly.

 

She had to stop dating me because she is now conflicted as to what to do, she needs some time to heal and figure out what these feelings are telling her. It also doesn't help her ex still likes her.

 

Don't do this to someone, I am crushed and she is very upset this happened.

 

I feel for you, and obviously I don't want to say this without overlooking the pain you're feeling right now. From how you're expressing yourself, it sounds like you made a notable emotional investment. But, but, but, at least you know after 2 months (assuming 1 date a week - 8 dates and some intimacy), where your feelings are not totally, totally invested. I don't think you can fault her, unless there was mutual exclusivity. I mean, she could've pulled out for another reason, and it would seem more acceptable. I think also in this case is not just nerves for what her true feelings are for all parties, but the obvious fear of committal, especially after going back into a serious relationship. Again, I feel really, really bad, and I hope it doesn't crush your spirit to go back out there and find another girl. Easy for me to say, I know, but I look at my own case and realize by each coffee date, each dinner date and further, it opens your eyes as well to the large amount of appealing options that exist and that, I stress, for some people in some situations (I would argue the majority), is the best thing to do.