When enough is enough!?

[FYI]

So after several days of mulling over it my mind and pondering over this, I'm ready to talk.

 

About a month ago, I met what seemed to be a very nice woman online. We messaged back and forth for a little bit and eventually exchanged phone numbers.

 

Our first phone conversation unfortunately we spent the majority of our time talking about her past love life instead of actually getting to know one another better. It felt like more of a therapy session than anything. She spoke of her difficulties with the men in her life; guys she's met, ex-boyfriends, ex-prospects, you name it. So my first impression was that although she seemed like a nice person she also seemed really bitter and jaded. I questioned her readiness. So anyway, I carried on talking to her and even thereafer hoping the first call was just a fluke. Again, she seemed nice so I didn't want to be so quick to dismiss her.

 

When we got togther our dates often went well despite the fact that she often was late. Once again I tried to be easygoing about things. But I still couldn't help but feel that something was really wrong due to the fact she still would carry on about her failures with the men in her life. What this guy did and what that guy did or what was said she didn't like, so forth and so on... Not to mention that at times on the phone she'd tease occasionally, initiating things, talking smack and then when I'd answer back she'd pull up a wall. "I don't know, maybe we just don't need to talk about that stuff just yet." So a lot of hot and cold mind games.

 

Things started to really turn upside down after about date five or six. On the 5th date, we catch a movie at which she was again late getting there. After the show, we're parked what seemed like continents away from each other. So I decided to walk her to her car as I did with any other date we went on. It was a blistering cold night. I walk her to her car, we kiss, we say our goodbyes and she jumps in and drove off... I was a little taken back by that, because it was freezing cold out and we did park quite a ways away from each other. What's messed up is she sees me hiking in the freezing air toward my car and drives right by me. Doesn't even offer me a lift. Things is, she was going past the same direction that my car was. Ok, true, I've got two feet and I run pretty fast but I was just thinking a little courtesy would've be much nicer in the future. To me that was really rude of her. But even that wasn't the final straw.

 

What broke the straw, Saturday, our last date. We went to see a movie and once again she was late and this time apologetic, "I'm sorry, I'm bad with being on time." After the movie, it's really late close to midnight. She invites me over to her place with the invitation to stay over. Like a fool, I accept. I drive all the way out there, follow her back to her place. Long story short, we get into her bed and she's teasing once again, then of course I run smack dab into her wall. She says she's sorry, this is such a bad idea so forth and so on... She goes on to tell me that her "willpower" is too strong and she doesn't want to give in and that me being in her bed now makes her feel uncomfortable. So after that comment, I decide to leave. "No, don't leave, why are you leaving it's late? Nooo. Stay." Pulling on me, trying to hug, kiss, the whole nine. I don't entertain at all. I don't want to be somewhere I feel I'm not really welcome and so I left early Sunday morning and made the long drive home.

 

I got home in the early Sunday morning hours, called her close to five in the afternoon later that day after having some time to think about things, we talked and I told her I wasn't interested anymore. She asked why and I told her I felt like she just didn't really know what she wanted and I was tired of going back and forth with her. Told her we had a good time and wished her farewell but I just felt things weren't going to workout.

 

After having read through this once again, I feel kind of dumb about this now, but I guess I just really wanted things to workout but it got to a point that I just couldn't stand it anymore. Would love your input.

 

Thoughts?

[becomingkate]

I would have made the same decision! I don't blame you at all. First talking about the exes, then NOT giving you a lift to your car. That was pretty self centered of her.

[Cope and Hope]

I think you passed enough a few miles back and around the bend but yeah, this looks like a dead end and a waste of time. You've made it clear you're not interested anymore and despite how bad you want it to work out I think it'd be best for you to just let this die out and look elsewhere.

[Steve55]

There once, many years ago, was a psychologist on the radio here in L.A. that said, "Don't ever sleep with someone who has more problems than you." That's good advice.

 

It sounds to me like this woman is very self-involved and and a lot of issues. I think you did yourself a favor by breaking it off.

[EssexMan]

I told her I felt like she just didn't really know what she wanted

 

I think you were exactly right. Everybody has some issues, but it's no fun trying to have a relationship with someone who's dominated by issues, which is what she sounds like.

[DN]

You did the right thing. (I would have stopped calling after she was late twice)

[EssexMan]

The lateness wouldn't have bothered me too much (perhaps because I'm bad that way too) but the talk about exes would have raised a major warning flag. Of course, once you get to know someone a bit you're bound to refer to exes now and again at least in passing - it's silly to pretend they didn't exist. But to make them a major conversational topic really does suggest that someone's preoccupied by them.

[pl3asehelp]

The lateness alone would have been enough for me - it's extremely selfish and disrespectful to others to waste their time with your lateness. If you can't get yourself together to be places when you committed to, then I hardly even see someone as trustworthy. Being on time is easy - all you have to do is make your appointment and the person your appointment is with MORE important than whatever else you've got going on - leave early even if that means you wait around, etc.

[iamkaylee]

You did the right thing.

[FYI]

Definitely appreciate the feedback.

[EssexMan]

The lateness alone would have been enough for me - it's extremely selfish and disrespectful to others to waste their time with your lateness. If you can't get yourself together to be places when you committed to, then I hardly even see someone as trustworthy. Being on time is easy - all you have to do is make your appointment and the person your appointment is with MORE important than whatever else you've got going on - leave early even if that means you wait around, etc.

 

Well, accidents do happen, but...yeah, it depends whether the lateness is chronic or occasional, and the reasons for it, and whether they took the trouble to keep you informed.

[IAmFCA]

You absolutely did the right thing. Too many mixed messages. Not enough taking responsibility.

[FYI]

Well, accidents do happen, but...yeah, it depends whether the lateness is chronic or occasional, and the reasons for it, and whether they took the trouble to keep you informed.

 

What I found the most disturbing about the lateness was that we originally scheduled to meet up around seven in the evening. She pushed the movie back to nine-thirty asking for extra time which was no problem at all. And just like the first movie visit, I got up to the theatre about thirty-five minutes ahead of schedule to get the tickets for us. A good movie sells out like hotcakes so my idea is to get there early, get the tickets, refreshments or whatever else before the show starts. Most important, grab a good pair of seats. I hate being the last guy and having to squeeze down that thin aisle looking for a seat. I live much further away from the theatre than she does and I still beat her there with plenty of time to spare. I didn't say this to her but I was thinking, what's the excuse now?

[EssexMan]

I didn't say this to her but I was thinking, what's the excuse now?

 

Did she give a reason?

[Steve55]

Early dating is a lot like a job interview, in a way. Would it be acceptable to be late for a job interview without a very good reason? Probably not. I'd say the same goes for dating,

[FYI]

Did she give a reason?

 

She comes in, we hug and she says: "Sorry, I'm really bad about being on time."

[EssexMan]

She comes in, we hug and she says: "Sorry, I'm really bad about being on time."

 

Heh-heh. Not really a reason, is it!

[DN]

People who are consistently late are basically saying that it's OK to keep you waiting because their time is more important than your time which means they think they are more important than you.

[lila...]

Like everyone else, I also believe you did the right thing. Being habitually late is completely disrespectful and speaks a lot about a person's character. That alone would've been enough to turn me away, let alone all her other actions.

[bananashampoo]

Wow, your poor thing. I'm glad you broke it off with her, she sounds like a psycho.

[Boomshine]

Our first phone conversation unfortunately we spent the majority of our time talking about her past love life instead of actually getting to know one another better.

 

WHY WHY WHY FOR GOD'S SAKES WHY?! Why would you let her stay on that topic of conversation?! You should have steered out of that topic IMMEDIATELY. If you try and change the topic, and she swerves back into it, say something a little shocking that'll force her to focus on what you just said rather than all her exes, but if you let her stay on that train on thought, she's going to start putting you in the friend category. You need her focused on you and your interaction, not this guy and that guy. You need to distract her with FUN. Give her interesting conversation. Girls will always steer into these supposed "safe topics" if left to their own accord for too long. She'll feel like she's letting you in, but like Essex said, anything beyond the occasional reference is beyond the limit.

 

When we got togther our dates often went well despite the fact that she often was late. Once again I tried to be easygoing about things. But I still couldn't help but feel that something was really wrong due to the fact she still would carry on about her failures with the men in her life. What this guy did and what that guy did or what was said she didn't like, so forth and so on... Not to mention that at times on the phone she'd tease occasionally, initiating things, talking smack and then when I'd answer back she'd pull up a wall. "I don't know, maybe we just don't need to talk about that stuff just yet." So a lot of hot and cold mind games.

 

I wouldn't sleight her for tardiness, but I'm bad with that as well, so that's probably just me. Easygoing is perfectly fine, but I think you need to take control of the conversation more, and not let her do most of the topic picking. Again, you need to give her a fun time. Teasing? GOOD. Initiating things? Dunno what the hell that means. Talking smack? GOOD. Those two things are good because she's clearly flirting with you. Her putting up the wall is because you're not seemingly having fun with the conversation, and she feels that. She doesn't necessarily realize it in her conscious thought, but she's picking up on your vibe at least. If you're not having fun, she's going to be defensive. All escalation possibilities are dead if you're not having fun with it.

 

Doesn't even offer me a lift.

 

Rude, definitely, but maybe she didn't realize where you'd parked? Or simply forgot over the course of the movie? I don't know, and I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but if you really want to understand it, you've gotta see the story from both sides.

 

Like a fool, I accept.

 

Did you NOT want t o sleep with this girl? If that's the case, then yeah, you were a fool. She gave you a clear invitation to her bed, but again, with her defenses being up, there wasn't a chance for escalation.

 

Told her we had a good time and wished her farewell but I just felt things weren't going to workout.

 

At this point, probably for the best. Both of you should take this as a great learning experience though!

 

After having read through this once again, I feel kind of dumb about this now, but I guess I just really wanted things to workout but it got to a point that I just couldn't stand it anymore. Would love your input.

 

You weren't dumb, don't worry. It's not like relationships come with a step-by-step manual. And with how many different levels each relationship works, interacts, and communicates on, it shouldn't be any big surprise to any of us how difficult it really can be at times. Dust yourself off and try again when the opportunity presents itself!