Is this guy not interested in me or just useless?

[playstheblues]

Just over a year ago, I went through a pretty traumatic breakup. It's taken almost 18 months for me to get to the point where I'm even willing to consider anyone else, but it finally happened at the end of last year.

 

I met this guy at a social event, and although didn't really talk with him much there, he ended up asking me out to coffee which lasted for about an hour, and we were both coincidentally attending the same event that night which went really well too. We've caught up a couple of other times, and all have been good, and I leave feeling like there is something good happening. I usually hear from him soon afterwards (in the following hours of me leaving) but then not again until I see him again. I know he is not great at texting, even to his friends so I try to take this into consideration, and this has been going on for a couple of months.

 

We had a good chat about neither of us being ready to enter a serious relationship, but he told me that he wants to still be in touch and catch up. He went through a long term relationship breakup

 

I recently asked him if he wanted to catch up and he wrote back saying he'd love to as soon as he got back from a week away on holidays. So I patiently waited and he has been back for two weeks without contacting me. I sent him a message last weekend asking if he was going to an event that I was going to and didn't get a message back at all. He usually takes ages to respond but always does, usually apologising that he has taken too long. This time, I haven't heard anything in a week.

 

I actually really like this guy, and we do get along exceptionally well. It just 'clicks' with him. I don't know if he feels too much pressure from our mutual friends (one of my best friends is married to one of his good friends) and they often enquire how things are going. I have told him that I find their craziness a bit overwhelming and usually just take it with a grain of salt.

 

I'm in a bit of a spot. Part of me wonders if he met someone else whilst he was away, hence no message to catch up, but my friend has let me know that he has been out of contact with them too. I'm not silly enough to think that if he desperately wanted to contact me, he couldn't, but I do feel a bit confused. I tried to heed advice and have deleted his number to stop me from contacting him again, but I have been wondering about him.

 

Do you think there is any way to know if it's specifically me he is avoiding or if he just generally is really lax on the communication in general? Is there anything I can do? I haven't dated in over ten years (since I was a teenageer before I met my ex) and I am struggling with the whole thing.

 

I would like to see him again, so I can gauge his beahviour in that context rather than worrying about silly things like text messages etc, but I am reluctant to suggest meeting up again (I could get his number through my friend if I wanted) given I've already done that, had a positive response, but then he hasn't followed through.

[iamkaylee]

You've tried twice and gotten nothing for it in return. Don't give it a third attempt.

 

Whatever it is, I don't think it's you specifically. Your friend said he'd been out of touch with them too so don't take it personally.

[Ms Darcy]

Now that you are back in the dating scene, you have to get back in that mindset.

 

Don't get caught up on 'clicking.' You are probably going to need to date a few guys before being ready and able to move into something more serious.

 

He told you he's not ready for a serious relationship. For you, you like him but you are still in pain. For him, it may be the same. But if (FOR ANY REASON) a guy tells you he's not ready for a relationship, I wouldn't take anything from him too seriously. He may be dating or fantasizing about his ex or focused on work etc etc. What he is not is 'that into you.'

 

It's potentially confusing to not be ready for a relationship and yet start dating. In my experience, the guy you want (the reliable ones) are the ones who are interested in and/or open to a relationship. When the guy's head is not in the game, he'll get/give attention to you as he feels like it until he's ready to date and then either pursues you or another girl.

[playstheblues]

I feel like I'm worried that I did something wrong - i.e. one of the times we met up, I ended up having a bit too much to drink (which is unlike me) but he seemed to really enjoy himself, as I did and when we are actually together, we do have a really good time. He's very affectionate etc and then when I leave he always contacts, but then it just lapses and I don't know if there is something else I could do.

[playstheblues]

I might add that I've moved to a small country town, and decent men here really aren't everywhere- in fact, extremely short supply, so it's not as easy to have the 'plenty more fish in the sea' attitude when you only have a sea of a couple of thousand people to swim in.

[Ms Darcy]

I feel like I'm worried that I did something wrong - i.e. one of the times we met up, I ended up having a bit too much to drink (which is unlike me) but he seemed to really enjoy himself, as I did and when we are actually together, we do have a really good time. He's very affectionate etc and then when I leave he always contacts, but then it just lapses and I don't know if there is something else I could do.

 

Not much you can do other than to reciprocate (not repeatedly initiate) contact. If he's interested, he'll let you know.

[Justwannahelp]

Agree with the others. You've reached out twice and got no response. It is on him now. Don't wait around for him Do your thing and if e calls/texts then take it from there, if not then do't fret or try to figure him out. Don't start analyzing every word you ever said or your behavior with him as if it is your fault. Whatever is going on is within him not you. All you did was be yourself, if that's the reason he's disappeared then you weren't right for each other anyway.

[winniethepooh]

Just over a year ago, I went through a pretty traumatic breakup. It's taken almost 18 months for me to get to the point where I'm even willing to consider anyone else, but it finally happened at the end of last year.

That might reflect where you're at far more than who you met.

 

We had a good chat about neither of us being ready to enter a serious relationship, but he told me that he wants to still be in touch and catch up. He went through a long term relationship breakup

Well, if neither of you are ready, then don't. Everything else you write sounds like that's exactly what you're trying to do.

 

I recently asked him if he wanted to catch up and he wrote back saying he'd love to as soon as he got back from a week away on holidays. So I patiently waited and he has been back for two weeks without contacting me. I sent him a message last weekend asking if he was going to an event that I was going to and didn't get a message back at all.

Well, that's weak on his part. Either he's not that interested, or met someone else, or it's a bad sign for future relationship communication. Or all of the above.

 

He usually takes ages to respond but always does, usually apologising that he has taken too long. This time, I haven't heard anything in a week.

People shouldn't do things they have to apologise for. Again, this looks like he's not that interested.

 

I actually really like this guy, and we do get along exceptionally well. It just 'clicks' with him.

For you. Maybe he has a different perspective, or maybe he's just a flake.

 

I don't know if he feels too much pressure from our mutual friends (one of my best friends is married to one of his good friends) and they often enquire how things are going. I have told him that I find their craziness a bit overwhelming and usually just take it with a grain of salt.

One reason why I am very averse to dating someone with whom I have friends in common.

 

I'm in a bit of a spot.

No you're not. You've done your part to try and find balance, he hasn't. End of story unless he wants to continue it.

 

Part of me wonders if he met someone else whilst he was away, hence no message to catch up, but my friend has let me know that he has been out of contact with them too.

Maybe there's something else going on in his life. Whatever, you're not close enough to him to get involved from the sounds of it.

 

I'm not silly enough to think that if he desperately wanted to contact me, he couldn't, but I do feel a bit confused. I tried to heed advice and have deleted his number to stop me from contacting him again, but I have been wondering about him.

If you felt the need to delete someone's number after a couple of coffee dates, then it sounds like way too much emotional investment on your part. He might sense that, and be scared off, especially if he has been burnt in the past.

 

Do you think there is any way to know if it's specifically me he is avoiding or if he just generally is really lax on the communication in general?

Yes, the usual ways. Mind-reading or communication.

 

Is there anything I can do?

Go on a date with someone else.

 

I haven't dated in over ten years (since I was a teenageer before I met my ex) and I am struggling with the whole thing.

Haha, no kidding. I've just come to the conclusion I haven't ever really dated until 6 months ago (and I'm not a young man anymore). Man, what a trip it's been. Still learning, still struggling. But the best thing I've done is force myself to keep trying to go on dates with different women instead of getting too invested in the first one I met (which I sort of did).

 

I would like to see him again, so I can gauge his beahviour in that context rather than worrying about silly things like text messages etc, but I am reluctant to suggest meeting up again (I could get his number through my friend if I wanted) given I've already done that, had a positive response, but then he hasn't followed through.

Yes, that is the best thing, but he is not cooperating for whatever reason. You can be persistent, sometimes that works, but my opinion is that being too persistent in the beginning has longer term consequences that are much more difficult to deal with, and let go of if you have to, than letting go in the beginning.

 

I feel like I'm worried that I did something wrong -

Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Now is a good time to contemplate that, but in the meantime find someone else to go on a date with - it might help give you a more objective perspective of yourself (and him).

 

i.e. one of the times we met up, I ended up having a bit too much to drink (which is unlike me)

How does he know it's unlike you or is normal behavior for you?

 

but he seemed to really enjoy himself, as I did and when we are actually together, we do have a really good time. He's very affectionate etc and then when I leave he always contacts, but then it just lapses and I don't know if there is something else I could do.

People getting drunk together often think they are having a good time.

 

I might add that I've moved to a small country town, and decent men here really aren't everywhere- in fact, extremely short supply, so it's not as easy to have the 'plenty more fish in the sea' attitude when you only have a sea of a couple of thousand people to swim in.

Go online and meet men from other small country towns nearby ... or far away. I have one really good connection in another country now as a result of meeting on a dating website. It's not a relationship, and probably won't be, but it's a friendship I value (and so does she).

 

What's also surprising sometimes is how a connection develops when you don't try to force things, or how things can change if you let them.

 

The balance is off in this case, you've done your bit to keep the balance, leave him alone to do his bit, and go and find another seesaw to play on in the meantime.

[playstheblues]

Thanks- I'm disappointed but at this stage I guess I can do nothing. Who knows why he isn't responsive- could be due to his last relationship, maybe any reason like seeing someone else or whatever. I don't like dating and the intricacies involved as I'm so out of my depth.

 

I think I will be unlikely to see this guy again as he's hardly going to ask for a date this long after we arranged to catch up.

[playstheblues]

I also think my friends meddling has really put him off, but it's too late to do anything about that.

[Ms Darcy]

At least you liked someone else. There is life after the ex!

[Imploding]

Hi playstheblues

 

I see you mentioned you're a bit rusty on dating. I think the advice I could give you would be to be alert, even hyper alert to the signs a guy gives.

 

A guy whose priority is obtaining you will never say or do anything to sabotage his chances such as saying he's not ready for a relationship.

 

That's tantamount to him saying, " Hey, this is fun so let's just have fun".

 

You can't hear a guy say something like that and expect him to get serious with you. Unfortunately, he has, quite gently, already given you his verdict on you two.

 

And there are good men everywhere, my darling. Maybe you are not availing yourself in the right places to meet them. Here is a tip: think about the kind of man you'd like to meet, his looks, interests, etc then think of where he might spend time. Go there.

 

If this guy you like contacts you in the future, it still might be just fun until he finds someone he wants a relationship with. I don't think you did anything wrong. I once told a woman I wasn't ready for a relationship but ended up with someone else about a month on. The thing is, I really believed I wasn't ready until I met someone who I was really taken with.

 

Don't dwell on him thinking he's the only guy around. Do other things that interest you. Once you stop furtively searching, you'll find.

 

All the best.

[playstheblues]

thanks. at the moment, it really does feel like he is the only guy around. And I personally think he may have met someone else or something like that. That would make sense given his attitude- initially was all for catching up and then when I went away for a while and came back, was more stand offish.

 

TO be honest, it just feels like another rejection. I was proud of myself for putting myself out there, instead now I just feel stupid and ordinary.

 

I saw this when I was reading something and it resonated. "When you are strongly attracted to a person but they don’t reciprocate those feelings, and they’re just not going to — no matter what you do."

 

 

I really don't want to just walk away, and I've never been in this position before but I have to- don't I? Because I have developed feelings for this guy and now I'm once again, just disappointed with the way things have turned out. What is the point.?

[Ms Darcy]

As hard as it is, dating is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be getting to know people and having a good time. If a guy is not into you, it's OK. It just means it was a wrong fit - not necessarily a rejection.

 

You yourself said you weren't ready for a relationship anyways.

[playstheblues]

I don't think I am, but I am ready to have some sort of interest again. I wouldn't mind feeling desirable or wanted or anything other than ordinary, but this hasn't helped at all with that. I've ended up feeling worse because it does feel like a complete rejection. I know that is my own issue and I'm trying my best, but when I was hanging out with this guy, it was nice to feel semi human again.

[winniethepooh]

thanks. at the moment, it really does feel like he is the only guy around.

He isn't, you know that don't you? Anyway, to feel like that after a couple of coffee dates should bother you. How can you possibly know what he's like in such a short period of time?

 

And I personally think he may have met someone else or something like that.

Quite possible. Or he lost interest in you and wanted to find someone else. I've had several women go dark on me without any explanation but I assume they lost interest (or didn't have any in me in the first place). Some appear to still be looking since I still see them on a dating website I use.

 

That would make sense given his attitude- initially was all for catching up and then when I went away for a while and came back, was more stand offish.

Yes, makes sense to me too.

 

TO be honest, it just feels like another rejection.

Well, if he's no longer interested in you, then it was.

 

I was proud of myself for putting myself out there, instead now I just feel stupid and ordinary.

Stupid for doing what? Putting yourself out there? Getting invested in someone who wasn't invested in you? Chasing him? Getting invested in the first man you were interested in?

 

It's not easy to put yourself out there again. You should feel proud of yourself for doing that. What would be stupid now would be to crawl back into a hole because the first person you met turned out to be a bust. Seriously, do you really think you're going to find your soul mate (again if that's the case) that easily? I've been looking for 6 months, met a few women. None have come even close to what I thought my ex and I had (although I'm willing to accept I might have been delusional about that). That hasn't stopped me from getting emotionally invested in someone (with the same consequences you're experiencing now), but I'm learning to keep my balance better as time goes on and people I meet go flaky.

 

I saw this when I was reading something and it resonated. "When you are strongly attracted to a person but they don’t reciprocate those feelings, and they’re just not going to — no matter what you do."

You can read lots of things that might resonate. Keep reading, don't just stop at the first one that does. Ditto for men. Keep looking, don't just stop with the first one that resonates with you a little bit - you might still be rather vulnerable.

 

I really don't want to just walk away,

Walk away from what? Nothing? If he's not there then you don't have a choice, except to run after him.

 

and I've never been in this position before but I have to- don't I?

Yes.

 

Because I have developed feelings for this guy and now I'm once again, just disappointed with the way things have turned out. What is the point.?

The point is you have to keep looking if you want to find what you want.

 

In the meantime, figure out why you developed feelings for this guy, why so strong, and what to do different next time so that it works better for you (and him if that's relevant).

 

but I am ready to have some sort of interest again.

That sounds a whole lot different to wanting a serious relationship. Your posts sound like you wanted, and lost, a serious relationship.

 

I've ended up feeling worse because it does feel like a complete rejection.

Or you feel worse because of that mismatch between what you think you want, and what your heart still wants.

[Ms Darcy]

Some of this hurt feeling might be ego. We all want to feel desired. We all feel hurt if someone seems to lose interest, even if we didn't want a relationship with him.

 

I think, though, you have to find a way to find yourself desireable. You could be single for years and you don't want to think you are undesireable just because you are single/are not dating.

[playstheblues]

I think it probably is ego. And when I was just starting to gain confidence again and then be rejected again, brings it all back from the first time.

 

I probably will be single for a long time, maybe forever at this rate but this latest backfire has really wounded me,

To the point where I'm just really embarrassed- especially if he's said he's not ready for a relationship and then ends up in one with someone else straight away.

 

The feeling that essentially, it's me. I also feel ridiculous because although I've told them to leave it (they know none of these feelings) my friends have been talking to him and I don't want him to feel that they are pressuring on my behalf. How embarrassing, especially if he's seeing someone else.

 

I guess if we didn't get along so well I wouldn't be this confused, and if he wasn't saying hints like talking in future tense to me I.e next time you're here we can blah.. Or when I leave, i will be talking to you- and then does contact straight away I would feel less confused or sad or whatever because it wouldn't really matter if there was nothing there.

[rapunzel]

I don't think I am, but I am ready to have some sort of interest again. I wouldn't mind feeling desirable or wanted or anything other than ordinary, but this hasn't helped at all with that. I've ended up feeling worse because it does feel like a complete rejection. I know that is my own issue and I'm trying my best, but when I was hanging out with this guy, it was nice to feel semi human again.

 

I understand this, am currently going through a dating situation with a man who was initially very hot and has significantly cooled. So I was struggling with the usual pattern of taking it upon myself: "I screwed up" "I'm not pretty, young, tall, smart enough". Nope, can't go there anymore. I'm looking at this experience as a growth opportunity, a life lesson of sorts. After the ridiculous amount of self-inflicted suffering I went through after the last failed relationship, I will *not* take this situation personally. It is great to feel desirable but I have to remember I have also "rejected" men that found me desirable but they were not my type. That's as far as it goes. I never go out with someone beyond a couple of dates if I don't think it's going anywhere but some men will drag things out a bit, even if they have no intention of anything other than casual and if they know you're not a LTR prospect.

 

The challenge is not letting the MAN make you feel "semi"-human. You are fully human no matter what. It's his loss if he doesn't want to be with you. Yes, it is wonderful to have a man attracted to you and vice versa. But to let ourselves internalize their seeming lack of interest is not in OUR best interests. This is the challenge and I say "bring it on!"

[Ms Darcy]

Where I disagree with Rapunzel is that people will drag it out even if they know they don't want anything long term with you. I think that is true sometimes but many times guys will just go with it until something hits them (e..g. he is ready for a relationship with you or he finds someone else etc). So it is valuable to be ready for any reality.

 

If he picked another girl ... it is NOT a rejection of you but a compatibility choice for him.

[playstheblues]

I don't know how to stop it feeling like a rejection of me. It really does feel like that- given he initially was interested and then just didn't seem to be anymore. I shouldn't bother contacting him again- should I? I do know from experience and from his friends that he rarely contacts anyone . I guess though, if he wanted to badly enough, he would.

[Imploding]

We shouldn't be delusional about rejection. It happens to everyone, no matter how good looking or how likeable. playstheblues, I'm sure you haven't given in to the advances of every guy who ever wanted to be with you. What were your reasons?

 

Maybe they weren't your type. Yes, they weren't compatible with you so you said no and in essence, you rejected them. Rejection shouldn't be sugar-coated as something else. Letting someone down gently=rejection. Not returning calls or ever initiating contact after they know how you feel=rejection.

 

The key is to find healthy ways of dealing with the reality that not everyone we like is going to like us back. This didn't work out, move it out of your way, get your feet out of the mud and move on to what will work. Feel sad for a limited time but if you feel sad and close yourself off, then essentially you're the only one to blame for your loneliness. You can't blame people for not liking you. Go out and find someone who does. Since you haven't found him, he's obviously still out there.

 

All the best.

[winniethepooh]

I think it probably is ego. And when I was just starting to gain confidence again and then be rejected again, brings it all back from the first time.

The first time? If you're comparing this to your break-up, then that's worrying.

 

What you should be worrying about is who you are attracted to and why, and what they might or might not find attractive about you. If there are things you can change to be more attractive to the men you want, then change them. And accept and embrace the things you can't change.

 

I probably will be single for a long time, maybe forever at this rate

That's just your feelings playing games with you. Learn to tell the difference between when your feelings are accurate and when they are tricking you.

 

but this latest backfire has really wounded me,

Not really sure what you think backfired. You had a couple of dates with someone, not a serious relationship.

 

To the point where I'm just really embarrassed- especially if he's said he's not ready for a relationship and then ends up in one with someone else straight away.

When someone says they're not ready for a relationship, they usually mean "with you" but neglect to add those two words. Really wish I'd remembered that when my ex said the same thing at the beginning. But no, I kept going. Would much rather have suffered the rejection you're experiencing now than the one I had to suffer through when she dumped me.

 

The feeling that essentially, it's me.

Not essentially. It reflects that there isn't enough of a connection because of who you are and who he is. We can't (easily?) have a relationship with everyone we want.

 

I also feel ridiculous because although I've told them to leave it (they know none of these feelings) my friends have been talking to him and I don't want him to feel that they are pressuring on my behalf. How embarrassing, especially if he's seeing someone else.

Yeah, that is ridiculous. Your friends should stop doing that.

 

I guess if we didn't get along so well I wouldn't be this confused, and if he wasn't saying hints like talking in future tense to me I.e next time you're here we can blah.. Or when I leave, i will be talking to you- and then does contact straight away I would feel less confused or sad or whatever because it wouldn't really matter if there was nothing there.

All true. And if you keep going and meeting men, there will undoubtedly be times when you meet someone who is more attracted to you than you are to them. Or things change and you lose interest before they do. And so on. That's what it's like. As I am discovering for myself.

 

I don't know how to stop it feeling like a rejection of me.

Yeah, good luck controlling your feelings. If you do find a way, please tell me, it's something I've been spectacularly unsuccessful at doing. What I find helps is to find someone else to go on a date with. More often than not there's no click, so to speak, but every now and then there is, and often when you don't expect it. Ironically, you might find that by moving on and leaving him in the dust, he pulls himself together and shows a bit more interest. But don't count on it. In my experience, most of the time once I leave someone alone, they're gone. But they were anyway, or they were just trying to use me.

 

It really does feel like that- given he initially was interested and then just didn't seem to be anymore.

If he made it clear that he was interested at first, and now is behaving differently, then something has changed. And unless he tells you what that is, you don't know. But asking him probably won't give you an honest answer.

 

I shouldn't bother contacting him again- should I?

No.

 

I do know from experience and from his friends that he rarely contacts anyone .

Well, if that's the only problem, then he needs to change. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who struggles to communicate properly?

 

I guess though, if he wanted to badly enough, he would.

Yes, unless perhaps he has the impression you're not interested. But I think you've made it more than clear to anyone with the least bit of common sense. So either he's not interested, or he's particularly dim.