I'm a relationship mess and need help. Just want to be happy again.

[bigdistraction]

My boyfriend and I were always best friends and then I got pregnant (not expected) but we were both super excited about it and very happy about starting a life together. I then lost the baby in second trimester. I honestly think he was more devastated than me and he started bahving badly and drinking, epic horrible fights after drinking (he was definitely mr. mean and said crazy hurtful things), then generally pushing me away and alienating me. To make matters worse I was so ashamed of facing co-workers after miscarriage at job I already didn't like that I just quit. This was a horrible decision on my part as it took me four months to find a new job and he basically supported me. WHICH IS SUCH A HARD PILL FOR ME TO SWALLOW AS I'VE NEVER RELIED ON A MAN FOR MONEY.

 

So once the happiest couple and best friends are now just bitter and resentful. We fight alot and never use to. He has stopped drinking and tried to make efforts for me. But I cannot forget the cutting words he said during these drunk fights and he has apologized and tried to get better. I know people say crap when they are drunk and I myself have been horribly hurtful to people in this state but I tend to keep brininging it up. He has said he feels sorry for me and he is unhappy of how things are. But I'm so mad he wasn't there for me in the fall during losing the baby. and honestly am just so mad at myself for how I gained weight (I use to run marathons before pregnancy and now can barely run 4 miles without feeling winded), have been jobless (this makes me feel like the ultimate schmuck), and feel like a massive failure to him, my mom, and just a general embarassement. I have also become so jealous of him. He has always had his fair share of female friends (it's just his personality) and it never bothered me in the past. Now all I do is accuse him of cheating. Like now he found a new friend at work that is a female. He has even hung out with her and her finace. This women is no threat (as she is clearly blissfully happy in her own relationship) but I'm so insecure that I accuse him and go through his texts. I know I'm hurting us but can't stop. I just feel like a failure in every race: marriage, baby, and career and I want him to be there for me. I don't know what to do.

 

I have just recieved a job offer and started back running as I know my self esteem is shot and there's that old saying that someone can't love you if you don't love yourself first. I just want to make things right. I don't know what to do. I've just even to ashamed to ask my friends for advice.

[offplanet]

It sounds like now would be a good time to suggest having a break from each other. While you're in this low state with self esteem issues it's only likely go get worse, whereas if you take the initiative to have a break you will feel empowered and gain some self respect. I think he might also appreciate you more. Whilst you're in the thick of an atomosphere like this it's hard to create any improvement in the situation. You're at a disadvantage because you feel overweight, jealous and insecure. If you can be the one to initiate a break, you will 'take back some power' as they say. It's great that you have a new job offer and have started running again. I think he'll see you in a different light if you show that you can walk away.

[findingmeandyou]

I respectfully disagree. A break is rarely a good idea. You either stay or go, and this is why -

 

You need to evaluate the health of this relationship. You said he got drunk and started fighting with you after you lost your baby? That's horrible! At that time, he should have been the MOST SUPPORTIVE PERSON EVER for you.

 

You need to evaluate him, and determine if this is a serious flaw, or a one-time thing which you can overlook. Is it the first time, or has he acted this way before? You cannot go on with someone who thinks everytime life gets hard, he can treat you like garbage. If you stay with a person like that, he will continue to do it, because you allow him the opportunity.

 

Your own guilt is very harmful. Losing the baby is NOT your fault. You may want to seek counseling about it, especially since your guy is not there for you as he should be.

 

If it were me, I'd be out of there. Unfortunately, there was a point in my life where I had abusive people very close to me. It was horrible, and it kills your self-esteem. You mention that you have issues with shame, and I wonder if your boyfriend is a contributing factor to that? Only you know.

 

 

It sounds like now would be a good time to suggest having a break from each other. While you're in this low state with self esteem issues it's only likely go get worse, whereas if you take the initiative to have a break you will feel empowered and gain some self respect. I think he might also appreciate you more. Whilst you're in the thick of an atomosphere like this it's hard to create any improvement in the situation. You're at a disadvantage because you feel overweight, jealous and insecure. If you can be the one to initiate a break, you will 'take back some power' as they say. It's great that you have a new job offer and have started running again. I think he'll see you in a different light if you show that you can walk away.

[lavenderdove]

People handle grieving in their own ways. I'm really sorry about your losing the baby. It is a devastating experience. it obviously affected him deeply too, and rather than experience his emotions, he retreated into drinking which is quite a common (and dysfunctional) way for people to deal with grief, but it happens.

 

He was angry at the world and lashed out at you, and now you are lashing back at him. You both need to try to focus on the fact that your pain and anger is misfocused and you should not let it tear you apart as a couple.

 

I suggest that you BOTH attend some grief counseling and perhaps a group with people who have lost children thru miscarriage or death. There is emotional fallout from that and you can either choose to look for positive ways to deal with that or fall upon each other like wolves which really will only make things worse and not deal with the true source of your pain/grief.

 

You can also perhaps find online support groups for the loss of a baby. you need to deal with the underlying emotions rather than picking each other to death. It is common for people who DON'T recognize the problem is grief and deal with it to break up when they lose a child. So what you are feeling/experiencing is not uncommon, but you need to turn it around by just deciding to stop all the blame entirely.

 

Something bad happened, you both weren't emotionally prepared to deal with it, he handled it in a destructive way by drinking, and you both need to forgive yourselves and each other for this loss, and comfort each other rather than attacking each other. Get some books on losing a child and read them, or call a therapist, or join a group. You need to deal with the root of this pain if you want to save your relationship.

 

Make a pact to be KIND to each other and call a truce on all the blaming and jealousy and crazy behavior that started after the loss of the baby in the relationship. Just stop. Stop raking thru his phone, stop attacking him because he was grieving and handled it badly, stop attacking yourself because you gained some weight, etc. There is no point to that and it just adds insult to injury and rachets up the tension. Set small goals for yourself, and stick to them and work thru this hard period. Life cycles through both good and bad, and you need to learn to let go of the bad and look forward to the good. you're both angry at the world right now, and need to look to each other for support rather than blindly lashing out in anger at the nearest thing to you, your partner.

[Seraphim]

I am sorry about the loss of your baby. I had a second trimester loss as well and it is utterly devastating. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed about with regards to your baby. I am so sorry.

 

About your relationship, unfortunately many relationships do not survive miscarriages or the loss of a child do to the fact that people grieve so differently. It might help to go to therapy together AND for your own sakes.

 

I went to therapy after I lost my son and I am doing more now. I also did things to commemorate my son. I have his last ultra sound picture with that of his brother. We remember the day he died with a candle lighting. We had a funeral mass for him. We sometimes visit his burial sight. I wrote a letter to him.

 

My husband grieved differently as well. After 2 weeks he did not want to talk about his son anymore. Not one word. He wanted to process it internally. Only now after almost 6 years since our second son has been gone does he want to discuss it.

 

They also say it takes an average of about 2 years to get over a miscarriage. I believe the later stage ones take longer. I have had 3 first trimester ones and 1 second trimester one. So be kind to yourself and be kind to your partner.