To stay or to go? I'm not sure anymore. I feel lonely with or without him.

[phscobycht]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been awhile since I posted on here. Last time I was asking for advice on how to deal with my boyfriend and his HIV. Now i'm back, and life has gotten more difficult with him.

 

A little background info

 

I met him through a friend during a festival, we kicked it off and friended each other on FaceBook. He lives in LA and I live in SF, which is about 6 hours apart. We've been dating since July 15, 2011. It's been 1.5 years since. We see each other once a month, and trade off on who sees who. He talks to me on the phone for an hour every day to let me know what's going on with him. I spent the whole summer with him during summer break to pursue an internship. Living with him wasn't a bad as I thought, I thought he would be less sweet and less caring since he saw me everyday - but he maintained himself throughout the entire 3.5 months.

 

I'm 22 he's 25. He works full time while going to school. I'm a full time student at UC Davis pursuing a degree in communication. He isn't done yet, but i've been supporting him in whatever ways I can. He's charming, good looking, hard working, tall, good to my family and friends, and never loses his temper with me and always wants to hear from me. In a essence, he treats me like royalty. He tells me that I'm a very good communicator and relational partner and that he loves the bond we have as lover, friend, and life partner.

 

Problem

 

In September of 2012, we went to Hawaii to visit his family and friends through a friend's buddy pass [discounted flights]. I had such a blast there, his family loved me and everything. A week after getting back, I get a text from my best friend who always watches my back telling me he has bad news for me. January of 2012, my boyfriend had a online cam sex session with someone I knew. I confronted him and slapped him silly, broke all of the picture frames with us in it...essentially i left the room in shambles because there were pictures of us all over the place. I stormed off from his house and drove for 6 hours until I got back to San Francisco. I was angry and cried. I had a hard time sleeping and eating. I kept asking myself "why would he do such a thing? why can someone so beautiful and sweet to me be so cruel and untrue to me?" We were practically best friends and have mind blowing sex.

 

I broke it off with him for a week. He unexpectedly drives 6 hours to my area and asks me to meet him at a park. He pulls out a letter asking for forgiveness and presents me with a ring, saying I should wear it as a reminder of how much he loves me. He told me it was a mistake at the time because he was under alot of stress since he picked up a second job and wanted company (apparently since i was too far away.) I hesitated, but I asked the advice of all of my friends on what I should do and they said that he deserved a second chance because he "isn't a bad guy."

 

Ever since then, I've been trying to work things out with him. Some days would be good, other days I find myself screaming or lecturing him on the bad habits that lead to his infidelity. Every now and then I would bring it up because it haunts me. He gave me permission to access his iTunes account, FaceBook, to be able to track his internet usage from far away (Qustodio) and other things. He wrote a letter swearing to God that he had made a mistake and that he will become a better man. Etc, etc, etc. But it's been 4 months since and I haven't seen him change. He complains that I'm too hard on him, that I stress him out, etc.

 

Every time we get into a fight, he stays quiet or feels too guilty to speak so he says he's "tired" or would like to continue the conversation "another day." He calls me hostile and angry because I express my feelings of hurt too often. Everytime I tell him to work on himself, he turns it into a "we need to work on this..." conversation. He tries his best to pacify me to ease his guilt, so he tries to set me on this invisible schedule to "get over it." He cries to me, saying he's sorry all the time and that he will change, but nothing ever does.

 

Everytime we fight and he gets of the phone, he just watches porn for hours and masturbates until he goes to sleep. He watches porn everyday. At the beginning, I was fine with it, until I began seeing a pattern: all fights end up with him walking away, watches porn to masturbate and then goes to sleep.

 

Recently, he and I got into a huge fight because of all the stress that has been happening between us: him a new job and new hours, me with a new school schedule and dealing with my grandma in the hospital undergoing major and life-threatening surgeries and my declining health. Like I just mentioned, our fights have a pattern that he follows. However, this time he was browsing on a hookup site, craiglists hookup ads, and chaturbate. I couldn't believe my eyes. I texted him but he just said goodnight. Next day, I waited all day and decided maybe it was time to cut my losses and move on (it was a hard decision). So, I called him to break up and he said he knew what he was doing and was trying to see if I would catch him, and asked me if I sat at the computer all day stalking his internet usage. He said he wanted to piss me off. But, to his surprise he didn't get the reaction he wanted. I was calm and collected and explained to him why i'm breaking up. He started to cry and asked me: "...is this what you really want? It's not what I want...I didn't realize this would happen. I'm sorry." I explained to him that it was a cruel thing to do while im dealing with a sick and dying family member while trying to juggle school and my internship.

 

We sort of worked it out...but things aren't the same anymore. I used to be so cheerful and happy when he called, now i'm quiet and a little indifferent to what he has to say. He rambles on and on about work and what he does everyday...I remain silent. He says I love you, I say "oh, me too." He asks me what's wrong, I tell him "nothing." He tells me goodnight, and right when he's about to say "I love you," I hang up. I'm not sure if i'm falling out of love with him or i'm just too hurt my body is creating a mental barrier between him and me.

[lavenderdove]

He's a sex addict with HIV? This is NOT a good choice for a partner and can be EXCEEDINGLY dangerous to your health if he has HIV and continues to sleep around. If you caught him at these various incidents when he is supposedly trying to be good and rebuild your trust, he has basically proved he is totally untrustworthy and that you should not try to stay with him.

 

You are so young and have a long life ahead of you, but the stakes are high and he may very well infect you with HIV and your long life may disappear. PLEASE see this situation for what it is, and get out before you get infected or so depressed and run down by his horrible behavior.

 

also note that all that storming around, and slapping, and picture breaking was NOT about changing him but just expressing your anger. He's already learned (at least twice now) that he can betray you, and all he has to do is endure your anger for a while then you take him back. And from what you have said, it is VERY likely that he's doing a lot of cheating when you're not in town. So this is just impossible and you need to get out. You can't trust him, he dosen't want to change, and his HIV makes him very high risk and you could give your life up for a guy who dumps you when he meets some new woman he finds hotter than you (and that is usually how it ends with sex addicts like this).

[DN]

He cheats on-line and you have a violent temper. Not a good combination. Unless you can both separately address your individual issues this relationship will never work.

[phscobycht]

I'm not sure what to do. We're not speaking as often and he's catching onto my distant behavior. I feel so torn.

[lavenderdove]

Are you happy with the relationship as is? Not what you hope it will be 'if only' he does this or that or behaves differently. i don't think you are happy with him. perhaps there is some part of him you love, but honestly, the entire package taken altogether is not good at all. And he is a liar and a cheater. That is always a prescription for disaster.

 

So you can take some pain now and break it off with him and go find someone who is honest and loving and not a cheater/liar etc., or you can do nothig now and end up with a HUGE hurt in future when he gives you HIV or runs off with some new woman he's decided is more interesting than you or offers him more than you. He's certainly still looking around for other women!

 

I think this is a no brainer. He's too problematic and this will not have a happy ending. If you don't accept that and cut it off now, it will just get worse as time goes on, and you could catch HIV in the process and he sleeps his way through various people..