Termus123 is actually writing a journal, the sky must be falling down!

[Ayanokōji]

Never thought I'd write a journal as I've always been that lazy guy who leaves all his assignments/homework till the last minute and finish them 1 minute before the due date... but as I grow older the more I start to change, changes that surprise myself on a daily basis so here goes... Lets see how long I can keep a journal going on for before it's left and forgotten.

 

Since this is the first entry I guess I should write some sort of introduction to my daily life...? Whats the protocol for writing these things anyway? Am I suppose to write a book or throw random words down?... I guess I'll just wing it the way I feel best lol.

 

Got up at 5:30AM for work as usual, with the traffic being horrific after the 6:30AM mark being out the door at 5:30AM seems the safest bet.

 

Feel like vomiting as my sleep is interrupted by my alarm clock which consists of my smartphone hooked up to a 24A amp otherwise I would sleep through the noise lol...

 

Read somewhere that the body finishes it's digestive system maintenance around 7AM explaining why I always feel like a suicidal anorexic food disordered person in the mornings forcing some breakfast down my mouth so my stomach has something to digest.

 

As usual I'm stuck in the shower for hours on end since it's so cold and showering feels so invigorating, don't get me started on trying to get to work at 5:30AM without taking a shower, last time I tried that I almost caused an earthquake from the amount I was shivering in the car lol. Maybe I was exaggerating but 15 minutes in the shower doing practically no actual cleaning of the body does seem like a long time for a guy in the morning...

 

Can't find my work clothes as usual, probably scattered somewhere around one of the four bedrooms... perfect waste of 5 minutes running around like a headless chicken looking... now before I get out the door I know I definitely have forgotten something but can't quite put my finger on it.

 

Foot on accelerator and VROOOM it goes, a nice acceleration always gives me that wake up call I need, having all 4 windows open also helps with not falling asleep =) driving cold is better than driving asleep! Omg I just remembered that I'd forgotten my charger back at home, I just KNOW that I'll always forget something every morning =).

 

Traffic is horrific as expected, lets take the bus lane to speed things up... oh never mind, saw a cop car around there somewhere...

7:10AM finally arrived, 10 minutes late and boss says THE AFTERNOON SHIFT HAS ARRIVED! With an open embrace, hah, what a funny guy.

 

Work work work, installing some high tech equipment on some "classified information" unfortunately due to some article of my contract it states I can't disclose work related specifics publicly so lets just call these work related things "classified information" =).

 

Typical New Zealand weather, you see 4 seasons in a single day. Winter during the morning, summer during the afternoon with a sprinkle or autumn and spring mixed in there somewhere. I even got to witness ONE patch of gray cloud pouring down rain while 100 meters down the road was perfectly sunny with a double rainbow. Unfortunately for me however, that cloud decides to park itself over my head while I'm installed classified information on classified information =(.

 

Lunch time... subway as usual, according to subway their subs contain only +- 360 calories while it looks to me more like 600 lol... oh well I can safely intake 2000kcal even if I sat in the office for an entire day without cardio or physical activity so I'm pretty much in the clear hopefully with a slight calorie defect =).

Close my eyes, spin around 3 times and point! Looks like steak and cheese it is today, meatball was the winner yesterday and I hope chicken & bacon ranch will be the winner on Monday lol. "Termus if you already know what you want to eat then why leave it to chance?!" I'd like to know the answer to that myself lol... perhaps its the sheer boredom of waiting there whilst repeating "Foot long Italian herbs & cheese, toasted, old english cheese, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, mayo & ranch every day." Well one irregularity did occur today, the girl there actually asked why it is I never buy a drink, the answer is of course I don't run, sweat and endure 7KM @ 13KM/H cardio for a large cup of soda. Apparently she never got an answer like that and she laughed at the unexpected yet specific answer

 

Back to work... installing more classified information on classified information... boss comes round with the van and checks,

Boss: "You checked that they all work?"

Me: "Of course they work, I'll bet you $50 that they all work prior to checking"

Boss: "I wouldn't wanna throw my money out the window with those odds mate"

 

4PM... home time, with the weekend to boot =) oh wait =) comes after =( horrific traffic =(.

Home time... wow reading those 2 words really doesn't sound as exciting as how I felt going home lol.

Dirty dishes, laundry, random cats waiting to be fed because they think I'm an animal shelter, watering weeds (or a sore excuse for some unidentified vegetation I have growing around my yard), vacuum cleaning, cook, more dishes, hang clothes up to dry, clean/dust house, fix roof leak, wow this list really doesn't end does it? Screw that going to take a nap before I collapse.

 

Wake up @ 11pm... Ha I've just successfully skipped all the chores =) procrastination ftw.

 

Journal entree complete... whoa that was long can't believe how my mundane as day could fill an A4 sized paper on size 11 font... Or at least I think it is size 11...

[Ayanokōji]

Saturday morning sleep in, perhaps took it a bit far and some how managed to sleep 14 hours lol... Now that I think about it cutting back on 3 hours of sleep a day during the week from the normal 8 hours to 5 hours are really taking it's toll. For some reason I find it far easier to sleep during the day when the sun is up and love to do cardio/not sleep when its cold at night

 

After having brunch which is more like afternoon tea/lunch I ended up spending what remained of my afternoon shopping with mother on her request, sometimes I feel like it's the daughter's job for such activities but in the end she only has one child and I only the one parent so I guess I'll assume both the gender roles like she has been both a mother and a father. Upon entering the vegetable shop which is all so familiar to me from spending many of my Saturdays there with her food shopping, my accumulated knowledge of knowing how to pick the ripe fruits and vegetables still could not measure up to her infinite wisdom.

 

"Grapefruit, pick the ones with the thinnest layer of skin as they will be juicy".

"Cherries, some contain cracks, the cracks indicate ripeness whereby the outside layer has burst due to being matured, guaranteed to be sweet but carefully select as mold infests quickly without the layer of skin present."

"Peaches, white peaches are sweeter but smaller in comparison to yellow peaches, softer yellow peaches are more mellow and sweet whilst hard yellow peaches will be crunchy but contain increased sourness."

The list goes on as my database of knowledge expands, whenever I spend time with her I will learn something. Her accumulated knowledge rivals that of distinguished seniors twice her age, it's amazing where she finds the time to learn such things whilst being the head engineer in her firm, my respect for her is uncanny.

 

Spent what little time I had left of the sunset staring out the window at the landscape and fluffy clouds of the unpolluted country of New Zealand I gain an calm peaceful feeling every time I see those fluffy clouds wander around in the sky ever so slowly without a worry in the world, even though they are moving quite rapidly in the sky I still remain ignorant of their actual speed down on the ground =).

 

With a cup of green tea in one hand and a white peach in the other I slowly get lost in thought, what a long way I have come, from being a sugar addict to an online gaming addict, procrastinating every responsibility in life and getting by doing the bare minimum to make up more time for more gaming.

Technology was all that mattered, spend time looking out the window at nature? I think not, historical and cultural interests? None, breakfast lunch and dinner? Can of soda, Burgers/fast food, instant noodles... Sports? Whats sports mean? Why should I do such barbaric activities hmph!

Hah what a life I had lead before, how can I have changed so much within so little time, it seems like within the past year I've changed a complete 180 degrees, how can such dramatic change come so naturally? Calligraphy, historical swordsmanship/samurai/Katanas, tea ceremony, flower arrangement, water features/landscape, the mannerism in which elegance and grace is shown, the ancient philosophy of self refinement etc... Seeing old Asian men doing Taichi and playing Shogi/Chinese chess over a cup of green tea now gives me a familiar feeling. Have I managed to age 20 years in the course of a single year?

 

Before I knew it the sun had turtled it's way to another axis of the earth and... wait... the earth revolves around the sun Termus you idiot!

Perhaps some food would help my brain function better =)

 

Journal entree complete, or whatever you are supposed to say to end today's entree lol...

[Ayanokōji]

Back to work Monday, definitely the worst day of the week even though I like the people I work with, unfortunately I dislike the work itself.

 

Everything seems to repeat itself from one day to the next in the working life as if I'm witnessing deja vu first hand. Subtle changes arise here and there but everything seems to fall into place somehow into a rhythm, a pattern of repetition as if eating a granny smith apple on a Monday differs to eating a pacific rose apple on Tuesday and Red delicious on Wednesday... In the end I can't shake the feeling off that they are just different apples eaten everyday of the week.

 

Some days I fall into the observer mode observing everyone and everything else as if I didn't exist in the same plane while other days I'd be too distracted from the workload to manage, focus and concentration for whats at hand seems to be the remedy for observation mode but today the mundane routine didn't require neither of the two remedies.

 

The amount of observations I've made today would probably fit an A1 page, like the fact that my colleague, lets call him M had a yellow stain located near the bottom of his shirt, wore the same clothes as yesterday and a birds nest of a hair due indicating that there was a high chance he spent the night at his girlfriend's house, had a few too many drinks, started vomiting and woke up the next morning late rushing to work without washing.

 

I guess to pass the mundane time by my mind entertains itself by having it's head in the clouds, thinking about the purpose of life, what happens when we die and other unraveling mysteries of humanity.

Hypothetically, if the after life can only be two possibilities which are 1. After we die thats the end, we no longer exist in any way shape of form. 2. There is life after death or some sort of cycle.

 

A common theory is that there is a cycle, after each person dies we are reincarnated somehow but what I can't seem to grasp is right now there are 7 billion of us alive, say world war 3 breaks out and 99.99% of the population dies leaving only a hand full of people, how is the rest of the 6.9+ billion people going to reincarnate? Wouldn't the possibility of their reincarnation be dependent on the amount of off springs the remainder has? What are you going to do, wait in a queue for 10000 years until the population raises back to 7 billion again?

How did the population of a few hundred thousand people become 7 billion people in the first place? Every time a female gets pregnant a "soul" is created but can now no longer be destroyed?

And whats up with the forget everything after being reincarnated logic? If I spent a life time to learn the lesson do good and good will come back to you and I forget the lesson that I've learned after I died and got reincarnated then aren't I back to square one?

 

The next theory is the heaven and hell one, this one is the fundamental believe of Christians and the concept is pretty easy to understand, if you do not believe in Jesus you automatically end up in hell since Jesus washes away our sins as he died on the cross but you must recognize him as the Messiah to have your sins cleansed. With that being said, what if you died at the age of 1 or right after you were born? How are you going to believe in Jesus? At first I thought new borns did not sin therefore they automatically go to heaven upon death right? Wrong! Apparently due to Adam and Eve's mistake humans were born with 1 sin counter at birth meaning any new born baby who dies would be banished to hell...?

Also why can't people in hell repent and be forgiven and allowed into heaven?

 

The last theory is the common theory of atheists which is that after you die you are simply dead and you no longer have any existence in any shape or form in any realm or place. The thing about this theory is that it really makes our lives seem meaningless, "we are born to die" pretty much sums this theory up the deeper you think about it. People argue that your death does matter since people who know you will be effected, there may be many things which your death effects but ultimately everything will die eventually therefore your death's effect on any entity is simply a temporary illusion...?

 

Whoa just realized how much I wrote lol... Journal entree complete.

[Ayanokōji]

Morning on the way to work got to witness a police raid, saw at least 8 police cars, 12 undercover cars and 2 vans full on raid. Not much action though, just saw some guy come out with hand cuffs and a girl there crying after him.

 

My first thought was domestic violence? Can't be since the woman was chasing after him crying and you would not send that many armed men to take out some wife beater.

 

Second thought was drug dealer? Possible... the amount of undercover cop cars suggest a large number of detective on the scene meaning prior investigations would have been undertaken which fits the possibility of nailing down some high profile drug dealer but the man really didn't look very rich, just looked like some poor gangsta living in a rut and to take out one of them probably would suffice with 2-4 cops not 30+

 

Third thought was possession of illegal fire arms and shots fired prior? Perhaps sells illegal fire arms on a small scale? Did not see any firearms confiscated though... I wonder what could of happened there which required 30+ cops to arrest one man living in a rut wearing sweat pants and a hoodie... But then again the cops in this country is totally useless, one cop missed the target and shot a kid on the back of the head when the kid was no where near the assailant...

 

After I got to work my colleague M transferred to a different department, even thought I'm leaving too I still kind of miss that guy, he was one of a kind who stood his ground no matter who he was up against and speaks his mind no matter how offensive, its no wonder most people hate his attitude but I like it since he always tells the management off for the both of us and I never offend him haha. Straight forward guys like him are easy to grasp which might be why I always felt comfortable around him, hes quite the funny guy too and has quite a lot of stories to tell, we'd work while listening to one of his stories, it was like story time everyday which made work much more enjoyable. Farewell M, good luck in your future endeavors!

 

After work went ice skating, seems like I always improve after each time I go while my friend S stays the same skill no matter how many times he goes, even though I try teach him, he seems to have this fear barrier stopping him from really trying. Can't achieve much without taking any risks mate, not going to die if you fall.

I guess that was my cardio done for the day, going to slack off the running tonight, kick back and relax =).

 

Journal entree complete.

[Ayanokōji]

It seems that I have the tendency to forget the importance of peace and quiet, maybe it is due to my age or perhaps I just have too much of it.

Slowly I am realizing that associating peace and quiet with boredom (my arch nemesis) is not the correct philosophy.

Interests bloom within all aspects of life whether the thrill seeking fast paced or peaceful and quiet.

 

Perhaps the best solution is left up to having a foot in both dualities, without the peace and quiet the thrill seeking fast paced life cannot exist and vise versa. Going by the too much of anything isn't good for you and everything is to be taken in modesty philosophy I've come to the conclusion that experiencing both to a considerable extend is what would achieve the greatest outcome.

 

Having derived at that I'm also realizing more and more just how much depth there is to each human being, no one is linear, we are created using billions of shades of grey rather than black and white. Perhaps this is the answer to my life long question, why do some of my thoughts contradict each other? Do I have multiple personalities? Is my angel fighting with my devil? Is it a battle between emotion and logic? Conscience and reality?

 

Every action I take and reflect upon I notice so much uncertainties which was not considered prior to acting upon the action, what is right and wrong? What chain of decisions leads to my objective? What objectives do I really want to accomplish in this life time?

Every time I think that I've got my philosophy sorted and lived my life upon such guidelines I end up experiencing something new which I hadn't considered due to a lack of experience/knowledge. Is my life simply relative with zero absolutes? Having a goals which are relative can be seen as not having any goals at all but at the same time everything in life is prone to change.

 

More and more I've lived my life according to a facade of relative absolutes, everything I thought I wanted change due to my lack of experience and knowledge prior to making such empty dreams and everything I didn't care about seems to creeping up on me forcing me to acknowledge their worth.

 

While life remains a mystery, the only absolute seems to be that the last phase of life is death. Am I here to learn and take my knowledge/experiences onto my new journey? Is life simply just to refine one self or is it to indulge in our selfish wants? Resisting temptation and refining oneself seems the harder but at the same time it feels far more rewarding than succumbing to desires and indulging in materialistic goods. Should I be applying the "Going by the too much of anything isn't good for you and everything is to be taken in modesty philosophy" here and balance both? And continue being that shade of grey which is neither white nor black...

 

Journal entree complete.

[Ayanokōji]

After a few induction days and my first project at my new job I'm exploding with confidence, satisfaction and excitement.

It seems like the new company I got into is what I was really expecting from a career.

 

Met a lot of new people with the large amount of staff the company employed and made a few friends, for some reason I feel somewhat indestructible and been trying to go the extra mile on every task I'm given as if the task wasn't good enough and I had to make it better.

 

On another note my insomnia is getting worse, averaging about 4-6 hours of sleep a night. Something about night and not wanting to sleep is really putting a toll on my body, when the sun is up I instantly feel like taking a nap but when its night I feel like doing work.

 

I've always hated the sun despite how reliant on it we are, I hate that radiating heat that it sends off and I hate the tan that it colors your body. I've always preferred cold places.

I guess my dislike for the sun is about the same level as my extreme dislike for the ocean and water activities. Oh how I hate those things, surprisingly I can swim fine. That is probably due to me really giving water activities and the beach a fair try and tried not to be bias, I guess I learned the art of swimming just to justify my hatred for such activities and as a result I was proven that I indeed am a creature of the land.

 

The beach to me is one of the worst places, salty water if it enters your mouth makes you puke, the sun is hardly absent from the beach and sun bathing/tanning makes me feel like I'm melting/dying. The ocean smells like dead fish and seaweed, if you forget to bring shoes you cut your feet on the corals/sea shells rather easily, people urinate where you swim, the waves are annoying and makes swimming significantly more difficult as you are forced to swim against the current... I can go on...

 

I should really go live in Canada or South Korea which btw are countries I really like even though I haven't been there if that makes any sense lol... Something about Canadian girls with their snow white skin that makes them look like a snow princess, Korean girls are no different. Winter sports are definitely better than summer ones, ice and snow sports are just amazingly fun and the cold feels so nice. It's funny since my body radiates a lot of heat and I sweat up a storm after any activity even under 0 degrees wearing a t shirt and shorts. In addition, in winter you can dress up nicely unlike summer where it's too hot to wear anything...

 

Journal entree complete.