CutieGirl Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Today was the first day I allowed myself to really embrace the possibility that if my ex THINKS he can't...Maybe he really just. CAN'T. He left me about 2 months ago. Just when I thought I was getting stronger and getting over it, I find myself crying ALL THE TIME over the loss of a relationship that I thought was finally the one that I had been praying for. I have been crying again like we just broke up yesterday, and it's really bringing me down. We were only together for 5 amazing months, but the last month was hell. He had gotten sick, then recoverd, then more and more he started hinting that he didn't feel like he could be the man I deserved. He was 12 older, falling into depression and falling apart. He had also struggled with alcoholism for over 40yrs before he got sober two years ago. He had not been unfaithful. I loved him so naturally, I kept telling him he COULD be the man I wanted, that he WAS the man I wanted and stronger and more "able" than he realized, and no matter how he felt about himself I would ALWAYS stay right by his side. All my efforts to build him up seemed to just make him resent me even more. What's it like for men that feel so inferior that they think it's best to leave the one woman that showers them with love and support? Why do they feel it's the "best" thing to do when it ultimately leaves the woman they profess to love, in tears. Is it a feeling of embarrassment they can't bare? Please help me understand from a male perspective, or even a depressed persons perspective, why some men do this? Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 They don't feel like they can live up to the expectations you have for them. You kept telling him what he could be and what you wanted him to be. Not accepting him for who he was and who he was trying to be is a brutal blow for a guy that's already busting butt trying to improve. So, short answer is, no, maybe he really can't be what you wanted. He has to be who he is. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Stay strong and continue to strip away the tatters of your romantic illusions about this man. 12 years older. Battling chronic depression. A recovering alcoholic. And you keep telling him that he COULD be the man that you wanted. What about the man he truly is now? Broken, damaged and only too aware of his shortcomings. Women fall into the temptation of taking a man as a project. They are going to clean them up, help them straighten out their lives, teach them to shape up and fly right. It never works. This man did not leave because you showered him with love. That is your perception of what you did. Instead, he saw it as being held to a higher standard than he could possibly hope to achieve. Every success you saw was just another deception to him. Please find a man who is whole NOW. Who has his life together NOW. Who is ready to be a full partner NOW. I am willing to bet that a large part of the attraction dynamic for you was that you were going to nurse this wounded man back to life. He has a lifetime of habits, destructive tendencies and codependent issues that he will struggle with for the rest of his life. He does not need the added pressure of worrying about disappointing you as well. Please let him be. He is telling you the truth. Enough. Link to comment
CutieGirl Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 I am working on letting go. Some days it's a real challenge. It is a little harder to let go after you've already fallen in love with the good in him. I don't believe I was consumed with nursing him or fixing him like he was a project [i don't think?]. I was just trying to roll with the punches and hang in there until he was back to normal. I did try to support him when he was down (he had gotten sick/depressed so yeah, I pressed in harder), but it never worked. He started pushing me away even more then. There were SO many ways to avoid our break-up. He chose to just give up and leave. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 I am working on letting go. Some days it's a real challenge. It is a little harder to let go after you've already fallen in love with the good in him. I do not mean to be hard on you but I aint buying that comment. It is hard because you have futzzed around since Thanksgiving and not gone straight into NC and stayed there. You break down with regularity and look at his FB page or rekindle some memory. Mrs. Darcy asked you to aim for 60 days of NC. How many have you managed? The excuse is not your "love" for him. It is that you do not know how to break up and move on. You can do this!! Stop working against yourself. Link to comment
MapleCanuck Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Hi cutie. I loved my ex and loved the good in her. I had to accept this negatives and the fact that she wasn't going to change. I miss her, but not the conflict. There are great people out there. We just have to be ready to meet them. Link to comment
CutieGirl Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 Sorry Paint, but I have to correct you. I HAVE been in strict NC contact since one day after he broke up with me. I've never called/text/emailed/ him since he left. I DID look at his FB page, but that was on his birthday, but I've never contacted him, never once reached out to him at all and never plan to. I finally blocked his FB two weeks ago and next Monday will be 60 days so I'm not sure where your're getting that from. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Sorry Paint, but I have to correct you. I HAVE been in strict NC contact since one day after he broke up with me. I've never called/text/emailed/ him since he left. I DID look at his FB page, but that was on his birthday, but I've never contacted him, never once reached out to him at all and never plan to. I finally blocked his FB two weeks ago and next Monday will be 60 days so I'm not sure where your're getting that from. I am sorry if I was wrong. Congrats on your continued improvement. Maybe the viewing of his FB page set you back more than you realize. In some cases, looking at a FB page actually will reset the NC clock mentally. Even though you have not technically made contact or spoken, you saw all the messages from well-wishers, spent time debating if you should post something, etc. All this was new information and stimulation that NC is designed to protect you from. Now that you have blocked his FB page, the healing can really start to begin. Stay strong and just imagine where you will be at 120 days. Keep it up. Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 If a man believe he can't live up to your expectations it means one of two things, either you are impossible to please or he legitimately feels inferior to other males and unable to give you the "happiness" you deserve. In the latter case you should take his word for it, when a man doesn't have the will power to see you as a goal and accomplish what he believes he should to obtain it then you will probably not be able to rely on him. Unless you want to be the man in the relationship. Link to comment
CutieGirl Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 Thanks Termus, That really made it clear. I was never impossible to please, quite the opposite, I was as easy-breezy as I could be. The only thing I DID insist on is that he fight for us and not give up. He'd say he did, but maybe he didn't really love me after all... If he did I just can't see why he would leave. Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 "He'd say he did, but maybe he didn't really love me after all... " Actions always speaks louder than words, a real man who sincerely loves a woman will fight for her and no alcohol, drug or ANY other addiction can get in the way of that. I gave up some of my addictions cold turkey and it felt like there wasn't a point in living since all my "happiness" was gone but I was soon to realize that this was a delusion after I've given them up and you need not any of that. My best advice is for you is make sure you find a man with a good outlook on life, men who struggles with things like alcohol but sincerely wish to quit but can't, makes excuses etc... are men with weak will power, men who previously struggled with things like alcohol, have quit but rebound shows he may not have a correct outlook on life since he always chooses to escape rather than face his problems head on. Running away never solves anything, only makes matters escalate and ALL problems snowball, chase up to you and crush you under it if you don't find a solution to them while they are still just beginning to roll. Do not look for a man with problems and think to yourself, maybe I can change him, if it was that easy then he would not be in that situation in the first place. That isn't to say that people can't change, it is simply that the amount of investment you need to put into a possible change may be far greater than you are willing to spend. Link to comment
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