Extreme anger at people?

[Sweet Autumn]

Oh, dear. I'm a bit nervous writing this!

Does anyone else feel extreme anger towards people who still have family members that they have lost?

I was a kid when my mum died and no one was there for me or gave me any support. I still hate the guts of anyone who has a loving mother in their life (or father, guardian etc since mine wasn't available). I feel bad about it afterwards, but I just can't seem to stop wondering what other people have that makes them more loveable and why they deserve to still have their family. I often wish really violent, cruel, terrible things on them.. (help!) which is a bit scary because I used to be a nice person.

Anyone else out there the same?

[Seraphim]

Nope, not at all. I would see someone about that. Your anger will only destroy you not anyone else.

[Nattersmatter]

Oh, dear. I'm a bit nervous writing this!

Does anyone else feel extreme anger towards people who still have family members that they have lost?

I was a kid when my mum died and no one was there for me or gave me any support. I still hate the guts of anyone who has a loving mother in their life (or father, guardian etc since mine wasn't available). I feel bad about it afterwards, but I just can't seem to stop wondering what other people have that makes them more loveable and why they deserve to still have their family. I often wish really violent, cruel, terrible things on them.. (help!) which is a bit scary because I used to be a nice person.

Anyone else out there the same?

 

Resentful jealousy at those whom have what you've been denied and deprived of through no doing of your own, is natural. But it looks like you're not COPING with it thus, on top of feeling jealous towards them are then blaming THEM for evoking these horrid feelings of which you're ashamed and so alarm you, in order to 'disassociate' yourself as the originator of such terrible emotions.

 

If you get with the programme - that you're part human and part basic, sh*tty animal like the rest of us, included in which is having dark thoughts - that panicky compulsion to disassociate yourself from such baseness and attribute it 'elsewhere' should dissipate and with it your anger.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

PS: I should mention.. there might also be these aspects to it, [1] that it's a secret, silent cry of appeal, as in, 'Why aren't you helping me to feel better instead of doing the opposite which is making me feel ten times worse!?', and [2] that you're unused to expressing any emotions which you feel aren't associated with being a strong person so are converting everything into anger (or, in your case, because there's so MUCH emotion it's coming out as 'big anger' - namely rage). xoxo

[Sweet Autumn]

Hi, thanks for your replies. Even though it sounds abnormal, I doubt it's true that absolutely no one else has ever felt the same, especially as most people wouldn't tell anyone (what I've being doing up until now). Just to be clear, I'm not saying I really logically think X should happen to person Y, just that I'm observing these feelings. It's like a record playing - every day someone makes the assumption your deceased relative is alive and you don't mind at first, but after a while the annoyance builds and you want to turn around and throw something at them, just like if they'd been blowing a horn in your ear all month! So the anger stage of grief is not like this? What does it involve if not rage? I'm confused..

[chickydoodle]

I have come accross extreme envy and a victim mentality in people with personality disorders, and addicts ; most of them having had traumatic childhoods.

 

I was a kid when my mum died

So the anger stage of grief is not like this?

 

You have been grieving for a long time then -and obviously havent processed your loss.Or it is possible that such a loss has triggered an irrational thought process that must cause you great pain ,and by the sounds of it, the belief you are a bad person. Your feelings of ill will towards those who have what you have not only serve to feed your own negative belief system about yourself.

 

I just can't seem to stop wondering what other people have that makes them more loveable and why they deserve to still have their family

 

It is totally irrational that you believe in some way, your experiences to date arose because you are undeserving or unloveable. Horrible things DO happen to nice people in life.

You have really got to alter your thought pattern either by reading self help books ( promoting Love of self); or through therapy. Otherwise you are destined to a very unhappy life.

 

It was brave of you to admit your thoughts. I think you will have to accept that NO they are not very normal but thats okay.

[Nattersmatter]

Sweet Autumn, when you say *still* do you mean constantly, 24/7, daily since your mother died or whenever your ongoing need of her that is keenest meets this regular outside 'provocation'?

 

It's like a record playing - every day someone makes the assumption your deceased relative is alive and you don't mind at first, but after a while the annoyance builds and you want to turn around and throw something at them, just like if they'd been blowing a horn in your ear all month! So the anger stage of grief is not like this? What does it involve if not rage? I'm confused..

 

Yes, now you've explained it better, that definitely is normal and not at all uncommon. This isn't coming from within and just looking for a target, as such; it's due to constant triggers which in your case pose as provocations. I think you'll find this was one of the primary reasons behind the fact that people used to wear Black armbands - to warn people at large of the precise situation as well as to prompt them to endeavour to be more (cough!) sensitive so as NOT to unwittingly put their size 9s into it. Shame the practise went out of fashion, isn't it? It would certainly help where you're concerned. (Maybe you could start it again??...wear a black ribbon around your upper arm?)

 

YES, the anger stage of grief is like that. Particularly when it's being allowed to bank up like it obviously is until the seemingly slightest 'nudge' releases this rush of tidal wave. And the more your welfare relied on that deceased person, and still continues to, the stronger that anger would be in the face of such moments of need combined with such unexpected and unwelcome triggers. It must be like water torture for you - drip, drip, drip, drip, AARGH!, right? But I think if you had benefitted from someone's help with coming to TERMS with your loss as well as to guide your ability to better tolerate these prompters of your being bereft of a 'standard' birthright and reminders of your enforced, premature independence, you wouldn't be experiencing this need to avoid such commonplace triggers followed by anger that your attempt not to think about it has failed. Could you organise bereavement counselling for yourself, do you think, in order to 'fast-track' you to that place of greater desensitization and resilience?

 

xoxo

[Sweet Autumn]

That's so interesting, thanks for all your insight. I'd never heard of the black armband..just looked it up!

I don't feel anger all of the time. It doesn't bother me that much when I see other young people with their parents, what bothers me more is when people just assume that your family must be alive and around because you're young. I just this minute got up to answer a nuisance phone-call from someone asking for Mrs (my mum's name), who then failed to comprehend that she's not here anymore. Typically the call couldn't be traced. Maybe it's just my situation but I see the child-mother relationship, when functional, as the most unconditional love a person will ever experience. How anyone could think they're hard-done-by when they have this is beyond my comprehension, but I know a lot of people who do, or even undervalue the relationship.

[Nattersmatter]

...because it's natural to assume they must be BECAUSE THE NORM IS THAT THEY "SHOULD BE".

 

And the reason people fail to appreciate what they've got rather than constantly being fixated on what they haven't or haven't yet, is just human nature - the incredibly powerful ambition drive combined with the energy-efficiency-based need to take established things for granted. If you didn't take things for granted, what with daily life these days being so complex and demanding, everyone would be constantly KNACKERED and unable to combinationally progress soceity and the world via the amalgamation of concurrently-running, individual ambition drive made manifest. Saying that, however, in today's "must have" society, people ARE being encouraged to fixate too heavily on what they haven't/haven't yet got but could and "should", hence they get a HUGE shock once the neglected awarenessess - things that matter more and most - slap them unexpectedly in the face seemingly out of nowhere.

 

Why don't you do your bit to counteract this unhealthy imbalance of focus as well as to stop yourself from being made to be a helpless victim to it - by looking into joining some charity or other that deals with the untimely bereavement of kiddies? Anger is a fantastic source of energy, you know. Put it to use. Maybe this is what you're getting nagged to do via all these signs?... Maybe the reason they won't stop is because you won't START? And who's orchestrating this constant, annoying prodding in the first place, anway?? Your mum? A right super-tenacious, dog-with-bone ugger, was she? ...and possibly still is???

 

Food for thought, eh! ;-)

 

xoxo

[Capricorn3]

Oh, dear. I'm a bit nervous writing this!

Does anyone else feel extreme anger towards people who still have family members that they have lost?

I was a kid when my mum died and no one was there for me or gave me any support. I still hate the guts of anyone who has a loving mother in their life (or father, guardian etc since mine wasn't available). I feel bad about it afterwards, but I just can't seem to stop wondering what other people have that makes them more loveable and why they deserve to still have their family. I often wish really violent, cruel, terrible things on them.. (help!) which is a bit scary because I used to be a nice person.

Anyone else out there the same?

NO. I have never ever felt that way. Such thoughts have never even occurred to me. Hating the guts of anyone who has a loving mother, and wishing violent, cruel, terrible things on them......Ouch. It sounds pretty scary. I can't even imagine having thoughts like that on anyone.

 

Have you ever considered professional counselling? I think it would be very helpful.

[poetryandlyrics]

I've lost a brother, and while I do get jealous at any sort of sibling closeness, especially between an older brother and a younger sister... I don't wish horrible things on them. I just chalk it up to my own lack, how I wish it wasn't but it simply is.

 

But for you, if it's been a long time since and you're holding onto a grudge/wrath, it would probably be wise to see a counselor about your grief so that it doesn't hold you back from enjoying life/being healthy and happy.

 

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Don't get burned.

[Sweet Autumn]

Yes, I read a similar quote somewhere using a poison analogy. Sorry about your brother.

It doesn't feel like a conscious choice to me, as it ebbs and flows in mood swings. For about half of the time (maybe slightly less) I'm at peace with it. I did have some counseling once and I always wound up feeling much more sad/angry than I had done before I went in. Maybe it's not so much the loss itself but the manner and circumstances in which it happened and the support network available (or lack of) that makes all the difference in how people come to terms with it, especially in the case of children.

I thought I'd upset a lot of people when I wrote this. I've channeled the energy from anger into lots of positive things for the benefit of others as well as myself, but I still have plenty of anger. The volunteering organisation I work with would not allow me to interact with anyone if they knew about this! I just wonder, if other people don't experience these feelings and have a rant and rage about them..where does their anger go? Although I do like the analogy, it doesn't feel like I'm holding onto anything. More like the anger keeps coming. : S

[poetryandlyrics]

When grief/anger becomes a bit worse after a counseling session, it hints that you're making progress through it. Of course, you have to face the storm before the silence, and that goes with figuring out how to get through it with counseling.

I've never needed a counselor for this, I just learned to adapt. But I do understand about the manner and the circumstances and the support network. My brother died by a train, a train hit him. He was a child then, and he was just two years older than me. My parents, I can imagine, are affected by it and it had strained on their relationship -- and it was not a strong relationship in the first place so it strained heavily. And I stood in the middle of it. Of course, my adaptation may be because I don't have any memory of him, but strangely I just remembered how it felt, looking up to him.

But I do understand of having rage. I have rage towards a person but I keep it calm. I'm fine now because of the distance and I'm more capable, but if not, I have a punching bag for this reason. Lol. But I also had grief and rage over the loss of a "sister" (not a blood sister but a best friend at that time), learning betrayal and also a criminal act towards me. But having all the anger does not help me. I would be stuck in this loop, going through this over and over. I would not be able to grow, to nourish my positive traits if I'm hyper focusing on what I'm angry at. And being angry, sometimes you can do stupid things. Things that does not help you. It is fact that if you're angry at that moment, you're slightly stupid in comparison of your normal moment (without anger), being able to think straight.

I'd also suggest finding outlets, and finding the right one. For me, for that friend, I had to write over and over how I felt like I was writing to her (I am a writer), and then it vanished little by little till I didn't care anymore and only missed the good moments but I know it would not be smart of me nor healthy to to welcome her back. Find a positive release.

[Nattersmatter]

Bravo, Ethereal! xoxo

[Sweet Autumn]

Awful.

My mum died slowly over seven years, she had no idea who I was for most of it and the roles were completely reversed. I thought someone might suggest that about the counseling, but I really don't think it was for me. I used to go in and the counselor would mock the way I was sitting, the way I spoke etc. I pretended to find it amusing but it wasn't. Someone else just tried to shove drugs down my throat - the joys of dealing with the medical profession! Apart from the angry thoughts I think I've done a fairly good job of bringing myself up - top grades, positive hobbies, no smoking, drugs, alcohol or run-ins with the law. It could have been a lot worse. Question is what do you fall back on when you lose everyone? I fell back on work, and was then disappointed when I realised that no matter how well I performed it could never make me happy because at the end of the day I went home to an empty house.

It's good that you write. I keep a journal, don't know whether you do that too?

[Batya33]

I wouldn't dismiss all therapy/counseling based on a few or even several bad experiences. Would you stop getting your hair cut just because you didn't like a certain stylist or stylists?

[poetryandlyrics]

I agree with Batya about counseling.

 

That said, ah... I'm used to depending on myself for emotional support so I can't really help you much there? I had an isolated childhood so I learned to adapt. But hm, I just write. I like an emotional release. I write. I think, ponder. And I do think a lot, lol.

 

About work... Perhaps you need a goal, an achievement you want to conquer? I have a career I am progressing towards, and with that career, there's a ideal tied to it. Perhaps an ideal for yourself to learn to be. If you're spiritual or the church/temple/whatever type, maybe focus in that if you're the type.

 

And no... I used to have a journal but I never could write into it daily and I tend to forget about it. I write on a spur.

[journeynow]

Does anyone else feel extreme anger towards people who still have family members that they have lost?

 

Sweet Autumn, I've sent a private message to your inbox.

[Nattersmatter]

I agree with Batya. Plus, it's important that any counsellor you choose is on the same wavelength as you as well as communicates in the exact same style. It also makes all the difference if he or she have been in your shoes or near as damnit. But I'd be very interested in you supplying an example of what exactly you mean by 'mocked'? Can you go into detail?

 

xoxo

[Ayanokōji]

My father abandoned me in my young teens and I certainly do not envy anyone with a father nor do I ever want one. I don't like fathers in general nor do I like the father figure.

[Sweet Autumn]

Hi termus123. Sorry you were abandoned. My opinion of fathers is not great either - apparently most are loving but when you haven't experienced it, it's not something you really associate with them!

I would describe my childhood as isolated too, and I enjoy my own company but I still yearn for affection and closer relationships with people. As for the counselor, maybe he was just an oddball. He would say, 'this is you' then strike an exaggerated pose with unflattering facial expression. (Deep frown, wiggling brows.. if I'd been glancing down often he's pose with his face almost parallel with the floor.) I just didn't find it amusing or see how it was supposed to be helping. All it did was make me so self-conscious that I ended up sitting stock still and speaking like a dalek..

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I do not understand why it is such a big deal to you that you do not have a mother. I think you are missing something in your life and blame that emptiness on the lack of a mother. Having a mother is not some amazing thing that makes everyone's life complete. If you can't get over your feelings yourself, seek help.

[Nattersmatter]

My father abandoned me in my young teens and I certainly do not envy anyone with a father nor do I ever want one. I don't like fathers in general nor do I like the father figure.

 

Just a quick hijack because it's relevant here. If one dog bit you would you despise all dogs? Or would you conclude that one dog in particular had had problems?

 

xoxo

[Sweet Autumn]

It's a big deal to me because my mother was all I had. She could have been a father, grandmother, cousin or friend instead but the point was that she was my whole family. For me the person who was always there just happened to be my mother - I've not experienced anything else. To me it was amazing and did make my life complete. The fact that I came on here is part of seeking help I would have said, or certainly better than just sitting with it. Is that not the idea?

[Nattersmatter]

Hi termus123. Sorry you were abandoned. My opinion of fathers is not great either - apparently most are loving but when you haven't experienced it, it's not something you really associate with them!

I would describe my childhood as isolated too, and I enjoy my own company but I still yearn for affection and closer relationships with people. As for the counselor, maybe he was just an oddball. He would say, 'this is you' then strike an exaggerated pose with unflattering facial expression. (Deep frown, wiggling brows.. if I'd been glancing down often he's pose with his face almost parallel with the floor.) I just didn't find it amusing or see how it was supposed to be helping. All it did was make me so self-conscious that I ended up sitting stock still and speaking like a dalek..

 

Ah. I think you mistook his intention. He was obviously a mainly Rogerian aka Humanistic or Givens counsellor; they're supposed to 'repeat' everything back to you - so that you hear or see it with 'fresh eyes' and gain the awareness that you otherwise lack when it comes to that particular attitude/disposition/habit. And he obviously magnified your gestural habits just so as to ensure you read them optimally clearly, but this served only to come accross as disrespectful caricaturing. Did he end up emulating someone from your past who would mimick you in that way out of MAL-intent and it flicked a still-sore but forgotten nerve thus you assumed he was likewise trying to hurt you/exert his need for superiority?

 

Did you TELL him it made you feel uncomfortable? If not - why not? Did you find him intimating, regardless? Who chose him for you?

 

How old are you, if you don't mind my asking? Do you suppose it's simply that you're ready (obviously earlier than your 'contemporaries') for a lasting romantic relationship but aren't aware you are or for some reason don't quite want to go there, thus are either accidentally (or subconsciously deliberately) misattributing (or trying to rid yourself of) this 'itch' to wanting your mum and thereby seeing that erstwhile need for her exacerbated out of its actual proportion?

 

xoxo