Telling ex of 10 years you're dating

[needhelp6]

Thought this would be the best section for this post, if not Mod please move. Background, ended a 10 year relationship with my SO approximately 4.5 months ago. We have an elementary school age daughter that we're co-parenting. Recently things have been going well with ex and I; we're friendly and focused on my daughter's well being. Fast forward, I entered into a FWB relationship a couple of months ago and just this past weekend we've decided to re-label it as "friends casually dating." You can read more here if you desire - .

 

I do not want my SO to get blindsided should she hear that I'm "dating" so I'd like to invite her to coffee this week and inform her. Anyone done this before and if so any advice? In another post someone commented that my "replacing" her so quickly could be a bit of a blow (or something similar). This is what I'm looking to avoid. I'm not replacing her, this woman and I are "friends casually dating" that's all.

 

I'm thinking out of respect for her I would like to invite my ex to meet me for coffee and discuss this with her vs. her hearing it through the grapevine. Anyone been in a similar situation, any tips from either side of this coin? Am I doing the right thing? While we're no longer together we had many great years, she gave me a beautiful child and I respect her. One last note, after we broke-up she got very intoxicated and threatened to kill herself. We had to put her in a "hospital" for a few days. From what I hear she's doing much better now.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I really don't think there is a need to tell your ex. You are broken up. She knows you are likely to date other people. It sounds like she has not taken this breakup well, and you telling her will probably make her feel much worse.

 

I personally would not want to know if my ex of 10 years was dating someone a couple of months after our breakup. "Friends casually dating" doesn't even sound that serious. Should your ex report to you if she starts dating others?

[GrowingUp85]

I haven't been in this position before, so I'm not speaking from experience, but I think a phone call would be sufficient. If she doesn't take the news well, you want to be able to let her go without the awkwardness created in a public space. A phone call while she's home in the evening gives her some privacy.

 

That said, I think it's great that you plan on telling her. I just don't think there's alot to discuss.

[happyfrank]

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Yes, You had daughter with her so it's good to give her the heads up.

[EssexMan]

Maybe you should just mention it very casually, almost in passing. The more important you make it sound as a step in your break-up, the more importance your ex is going to attach to it, and the more likely she is to over-react.

 

So perhaps say something like Have you been to restaurant X? Me and Y went there last week and it was so good we're going to go back again. Like it was the most natural thing in the world.

[paperboy48]

The only reason I believe you should tell your ex, is if you plan on having this "friend" around your daughter a lot. Unless it is effecting your daughter, in that there is another woman around her a lot, then I see no reason fo this. Personally, I feel its you wanting to brag to your Ex that you have found someone.

[LikeWater]

I really don't think there is a need to tell your ex. You are broken up. She knows you are likely to date other people. It sounds like she has not taken this breakup well, and you telling her will probably make her feel much worse.

 

I personally would not want to know if my ex of 10 years was dating someone a couple of months after our breakup. "Friends casually dating" doesn't even sound that serious. Should your ex report to you if she starts dating others?

 

Going to have to agree with this. Don't tell her anything. If she finds out she finds out and she'll have to deal with it... but it's going to happen eventually. Both you and her are going to start dating again, you're going to get in serious relationships again, etc. You're no longer together and there's no need to inform her. No matter how you spin it, she'll take it as being replaced. She'll see it as you rubbing it in her face. It doesn't matter how you tell her, she won't take the news well. Period.

 

You don't have to keep your new girl a secret, of course, but just flat out telling your ex is not a good idea, IMO.

[needhelp6]

Great feedback, even the message that was deleted. I put this information out there for all feedback, not just warm and fuzzy messages.

 

Yes, the only reason I would consider doing this is because we have a daughter together. And, friend will not be around my daughter in the foreseeable future so maybe that's the key in terms of this conversation. Wait until I'm considering this and then discuss it with her mother, as I would appreciate the heads-up if she was introducing our daughter to a man she was dating, just so I could be sensitive to any emotions, confusion etc. my daughter may be feeling.

 

I feel no need to brag, would never tell her anything about her e.g. age, hair color, occupation etc. My ex has a lot going for her, not only would it be insensitive but I'd be a fool to brag to her.

 

Thanks for the different view points. If possible would still like to hear from someone who's been in a similar situation.

[Kieren956]

Same opinion, I honestly can't understand why you would feel the need to "discuss" your personal dating life with her. If it was something serious, at the very least, I suppose, but FWB? What are you thinking? She'll think you're bragging! It's your business, and yours only! How would she even hear about it?! It makes no sense! Just let it be, it has no impact on her whatsoever, let her find out "through the grapevine" (although I can hardly imagine how that could happen, aside from someone who knows the 3 of you deliberately going up to her like a big douche to tell her...

[sportsguy9981]

You must have been over her awhile ago if you're dating again already... hell 3 months have pasted and I was with my ex girlfriend of 4.5 years and no kids and I feel like it will be a long time before Im ready.

[Reflective82]

my last comment was deleted so I'll be more polite this time although I don't even think it was bad!

 

I still would say don't tell. It isn't the same situ, but if my ex told me he was dating someone new, it would set me back, and I would also take it as patronising. It really would not make me think he was doing it out of respect. I can understand the idea behind telling her but if she isn't over you it's just going to put her into a world of pain. And I know you say you won't mention age but she will find out. I'm only 27 and I already feel sensitive about age- ALL men seem to always trade in for younger models (I get chatted up by older married men also) and I just know if I was in my 40s and my partner said he was dating someone ten years ago, I'd feel 'old'

[needhelp6]

I did not take your comment as bad. As I've stated before, I put this out for all feedback, not just the warm and fuzzy messages. Your point is well taken. Which is exactly why I put this question out there. There is no rule book on this stuff. I'm in my mid 40's and I've never been in a situation like this before and I want to do the right thing for all parties. So input from multiple perspectives and experiences is what I was looking for.

 

The age thing, I wasn't trolling for a young gal, didn't trade my ex in for a younger gal, I had every intention on growing old with my ex, experiencing golden years, grandchildren etc. Something happened in our relationship that MY ego just couldn't handle; I've received support on my decision and I've been told I'm a jerk, loser, insecure, egomaniac a-hole due to my decision to end our relationship. For the record, I did not go out looking to trade her in. After our break-up I entered into a FWB arrangement with this gal and it has taken a direction I wasn't anticipating. Even though I'm the one who once in the FWB arrangement directed it this way, that doesn't even make sense, sorry. I'm rambling now. Anyway, no offense taken by your previous comment, I actually appreciate your honesty.

 

 

This is why I posted, I don't have all the answers, there's no rule book on break-ups. Initially I thought it would be the courteous thing to do; in our social circles someone will update her. Then when I examined why (based on feedback on this post) I realize the main reason I would want to is because we have a daughter. Also, we've tried to continue as "friends" and part of me thought it would be the right thing to do out of respect for her and the time we spent together, but maybe not. Maybe that all get's flushed with the break-up, if so that's OK, I'm the one who ultimately made the decision to break-up, maybe that changes things I don't know. Personally, I don't see how giving someone who you spent 10 years of your life with a heads-up is a "douchy" thing to do. But that's me, that's why I posted this question. Rolls reversed, I'd actually appreciate a call letting me know, "hey, I wanted you to hear this from me vs. the rumor mill. I'm causally seeing someone. I have no intentions of bringing our daughter around him, when I do let's discuss it, OK?" Again, that's me, she might take it differently, which is again why I was looking for feedback.

[EssexMan]

You might want to look at my last post in this thread here:

 

 

 

I was in a slightly similar position to you (no kids involved, though), still moving in the same circles as an ex and not wanting her to get a "nasty surprise" when I was seeing someone new. My instinct was to tell her - but in the end logic led me to conclude it would be a bad idea.

 

What this suggests to me is that your child is the key variable here and if you do say anything, it should be focused on the (non-)implications for the child.

[Reflective82]

I'm definitely not implying you went out to "trade her in" and she may not even care about the age thing, but I just wanted to give my perspective as a female. I would definitely not appreciate my ex taking me out to meet (whatever anyone says you would perhaps slightly gain hope of them wanting to start something) and then dropping that bomb and confronting me with it. However I can see perhaps you are in a no win situation as she could be upset that she didn't hear it from you.

 

I don't think you are a jerk for breaking up with your ex, I have read some of the threads, but it does sadden me a bit because if you truly love her and she truly loves you- you would like to think you can work it out and not break up over a smaller issue. But hey, it's your choice.

 

It's not a "douchy" thing to give her the heads up, I'm just saying it will probably hurt her a lot. If someone I had a child with, was with for 10 years, and broke my heart told me they were dating again- wow, it would really really set me back. So would hearing about it from someone else, but I guess if the news was delivered by them it may hurt more. I don't know....

[Silverbirch]

OP, do you realise you referred to your ex as your SO in your first post on this thread? Maybe it was just a slip but it does make me wonder if there is still a fairly strong emotional connection.

 

Personally, I'd just remain low-key and discrete.

[LittleHope]

I was in a somewhat similar situation though no kids involved. 5 year relationship. We hadn't had contact in 6 months when she started reaching out to me. Timid contact for weeks eventually led to a meeting for coffee, where she broke the news to me that she had been dating someone for 6 months and that it was serious. Months later I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about the whole thing, but here are a few thoughts that went through my head:

 

- I found it somewhat selfish of her wanting to meet up just to break the news to me. It felt like something she did for herself, not for my benefit. I also would have preferred if she had been a bit quicker in telling me - those weeks of contact gave me false hope of reconciliation, only to finally realize she was building up the necessary confidence to tell me unpleasant news.

- A mutual friend of ours had known about this for weeks. I felt somewhat betrayed by him - I wouldn't necessarily have expected my ex to tell me, but I definitely would have expected him to tell me, he's a friend after all and she isn't.

- In the end though, finding out wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected and even provided a strange kind of relieve. It was good to know where I stand and provided a bit of closure. This was only the case because she had told me that her new relationship was serious - I wouldn't have appreciated her telling me about some shortlived affair.

 

All things considered I would only tell her if the new thing is something serious that you see going somewhere in the future, otherwise I wouldn't. Also, if she ever asks you about your dating status you get your best chance to tell her. As long as she doesn't she's probably not even all that interested in your dating life.

[prettymommy]

I am somewhat a similar situation; co-parenting an elementary aged child with someone I was never married to.

 

Our rule of thumb is that if our child is going to be introduced to a SO/BF/GF/FWB.... whatever you choose to label it.... then as a common courtesy, let the other parent know first. Just so the other parent isn't blindsided and so if the child has any questions or brings it up, they are aware in advance.

 

Otherwise, my ex has no buisiness knowing about my personal life, and vice versa. When the kids get involved, only then do they need to know. Otherwise, I would agree with another poster who said it would come off as patrionizing.

[sharky988]

I am somewhat a similar situation; co-parenting an elementary aged child with someone I was never married to.

 

Our rule of thumb is that if our child is going to be introduced to a SO/BF/GF/FWB.... whatever you choose to label it.... then as a common courtesy, let the other parent know first. Just so the other parent isn't blindsided and so if the child has any questions or brings it up, they are aware in advance.

 

Otherwise, my ex has no buisiness knowing about my personal life, and vice versa. When the kids get involved, only then do they need to know. Otherwise, I would agree with another poster who said it would come off as patrionizing.

 

Exactly. I'm a co-parent with my ex-husband and I couldn't agree more! Also that it would probably come off as patronizing.

[needhelp6]

I don't think you are a jerk for breaking up with your ex, I have read some of the threads, but it does sadden me a bit because if you truly love her and she truly loves you- you would like to think you can work it out and not break up over a smaller issue. But hey, it's your choice.

I DID truly love her, unfortunately for me the issue was not small, for others clearly it was, for me it wasn't.

 

OP, do you realise you referred to your ex as your SO in your first post on this thread? Maybe it was just a slip but it does make me wonder if there is still a fairly strong emotional connection.

I suppose old habits are hard to break. I spent 1/4 of my life with this woman, longest relationship I've had, we had a child together, made a great, no wonderful life together. Regarding strong emotional connection, yes, it's still there and I imagine it will be for quite sometime. You can break-up but I don't know how you pull the plug completely on all feelings connected to that person. In my opinion that takes time. However I suppose on some level I will always have some level of feeling or respect for her as the mother of my child and for the years we had together.

 

Thanks EssexMan, LittleHope, prettymommy, sharky988 and others. Based on this feedback I think I'm going to let it ride. Also I've read several threads in this section that have made me re-think things and the last thing I want to do is cause anyone any pain, and I feel my doing this would cause pain. I am however going to (at sometime) make sure we have a conversation laying out the groundwork similar to what prettymommy has said. It's sound advice for both of us.

[sharky988]

I am however going to (at sometime) make sure we have a conversation laying out the groundwork similar to what prettymommy has said. It's sound advice for both of us.

 

OP, I'd recommend waiting until you reach the point of ever introducing a new girlfriend to your child before you have the conversation laying groundwork with your ex.

 

It could be a year from now before this ever happens -- and by then for all you know your ex could have moved on and be involved with someone else herself -- and it won't be such a big issue for either one of you.

 

Better to not raise it as an issue until it actually IS an issue, imo.

[needhelp6]

So, received a text from the ex today, she has learned that I'm dating someone. Evidently I'm a pig, threatened to take me to court (thinks I was seeing this gal while we were together which would go against the Relationship Agreement we had in place and would entitle her to a larger payout), told me I'd better not bring the bimbo ***** around our daughter, she hates me and "you could have at least told me you were seeing someone."

 

Guess who I get to see tonight, my ex, I'm heading to her house in 30 minutes to pick-up my daughter. Should be a grand time.