Documenting my Journey

[TakeAStepFrwd]

Hi everyone

 

I am starting this thread as a way to vent at the end of each day. I intend to post at the end of every day. I would post about how I felt that day and what I did to deal with it. Though I was in NC for a month and felt like I was dying everyday, I ended up spending this whole weekend with my ex. And honestly it was amazing. I loved every second of it. But that does not mean everything is perfect. This was basically a fair well weekend. Now I have to start my journey again. It won't be easy and I am extremely scared but I intent to go through with it.

 

I will try my best to post every day. The reason I am doing this here instead of in a personal diary is because I feel like announcing this would hold me accountable to go through with it. Also everyone is welcome to read and give any suggestions or feed back. People on this forum have helped me and I hope I can get through this with all your support. Thanks!!!

[TakeAStepFrwd]

The day is almost over. It started out different than I had expected. I woke up and thank god my heart didn't feel like it was being crushed by an immense weight. Through most of the day I seemed to be more or less okay. I would by no means say I was happy but I was motivated to do better. I wanted to work better, I wanted to take care of some stuff, I wanted to read and I wanted to try my best to be happy alone.

 

There were several time, however, when I found myself day dreaming about meeting my ex. About how we would get back together. Or how I would meet her after two or three years and we would fall in love again. I tried to shake these thoughts and focus on something else, anything else. Things seemed a little positive and that scared me. It scared me because I know that there is no way it could be that easy. And then a little after 7 it hit me. I felt a sudden jolt.

 

And memories came back. I started thinking about how good it would feel to have her by my side. I tried not to think about them but the more I tried the more I thought about them. I tried to get the motivation back and I couldn't. I went to the gym but cut my workout short because I just wasn't motivated. I feel a little scared about tomorrow. I know that it is not going to be all better in just a few days. I know it will take time. I have no hate in my heart, just love for her. I feel a little more secure and I think it is because we spent the weekend together. And it showed me that she truly loved me despite all the issues we have. I am going to try to maintain some progress. But I will see how I will feel tomorrow.

[MakesNoSense]

And memories came back..

 

 

 

Ah memories, that's the hard part. Thinking of the good memories ie.

 

If only we could erase them from our memories

 

When I think of the ways I could get back together, that's what really hurts. I have to remind myself she said she didn't want to explore the past with me & that's what I have to accept it!

 

 

Best of luck on your journey

[TakeAStepFrwd]

I know how fantasizing about ways to get back together can be so painful esp when you know there is no getting back. Thank you so much. I hope you heal too and move on to happier things! Wish you the best MakesNoSense

 

Today in a way was similar to yesterday. The morning was harder though. I thought about her more. For some reason the emotion that overtook me for a good part of the day was jealousy. I was jealous of her. I was jealous how she can get who ever she wants whereas I am wallowing in my own pity. I was jealous at how good she looks. I was jealous at her confidence in her self where I am struggling to get back even a hint of my self confidence. I shook it off eventually. I continued with my day. But every hour of the day I thought about her. It could be something small and silly but she was still in my thoughts. At this point I have accepted that I am not going to be moving on anytime soon. I have accepted that you will be in my thoughts for a while. You were worth a lot to me.

 

Slowly my heart will heal. It is healing every second. I truly hope you are happy but I also hope you are thinking about me. I hope you remember me and still wan't to hold me in your arms. Break ups suck esp when you love a person so much. I hung out with some friends which helped a bit but my mind was occupied by you. Maybe tomorrow will be easier or it may be harder. I will find out tomorrow.

[TakeAStepFrwd]

Well another day has come to an end. This one started out much worse in the morning. I had a lot of self doubt and jealousy. A lot of sadness and depression. Though work was busy which helped some what. I feel like I am making some progress but at the same time I feel like it is too early to tell. I am always afraid of the coming days just anticipating a break down. Even though progress is being made I am almost always thinking about her. Sometimes the thoughts make me sad and sometimes they make me happy. The happy thoughts are mostly of me fantasizing about the future. Of how I will meet her one day and if not fall in love again at least develop a friendship. I was very close to her and what hurts the most is losing that intimacy because it feels like I am losing a part of myself. I am trying my best to avoid songs and memories that will break me down but then I wonder am I trying to avoid facing my feelings. I don't want to heal by avoiding the real issue at hand.

 

I am still very confused about everything. I am just hoping with time it becomes clearer.

 

You are always in my thoughts and I wish you success in your future

[TakeAStepFrwd]

Usually I post my thoughts in the night but the morning has started out pretty bad. I feel like I am being flooded with negative thoughts. I tried my best not to cry because I am at work. I don't know what I feel. I don't know if it is feelings of being hurt, I don't know if it is me being insecure. I don't know if I just miss you. I am thinking of things that I know will hurt me and I am trying not to. I want you so bad even though I think I have, to a certain degree, accepted that it is over. It just sucks because I shared so much with you and now it feels like it is lost. Like eventually both of us will move on and share ourselves with other people. I guess that is life.

 

I just don't get the reason for falling in love when it is all just going away. I hate that so much of my heart is gone. I don't want to fall in love for a good time now. I don't even want to have a serious relationship for some time. I just want to feel okay. I want this jealousy to go away, I want this pain to go away, I don't want to feel hurt anymore. The truth is I would never wish that you have bad relationships or not fall in love again. That would be cruel but at the same time I don't want you to have anybody but me. I need to get rid of these thoughts and in time they will go away. Time heals all wounds but it sure does it in the most painful fashion. It feels like I am taking Advil after a heart surgery instead of being on morphine.

[TakeAStepFrwd]

All I have to say is I HATE TODAY!!!!!!!