Cultural differences??

[kissmyspine]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now, but lately his patronizing ways of dealing any sort of problem we have is just a bit too much for me. What makes our situation more complex is the fact that we' re not from the same country, so I guess I could technically blame some of the stuff just to pure cultural differences.. or perhaps not. I suppose that' s the reason i didn't mind writing this down so i would get someone else's opinion.

I lived with my boyfriend for a bit more than a year, but then decided to go to my country and see my family for a couple of months because I felt very homesick. My boyfriend was perfectly alright with that. However, when being there sometimes it a bit difficult to talk to him online, because there were always these little nags coming from him that I'm not talking to him enough etc etc. On various occasions these convos just ended up with me literally bursting out crying, because he is very good at twisting things and making me feel guilty about things. This went on for a while till I had to come back. I had my tickets and everything but I wouldn't really say we both were on perfectly good terms at the time.

A day before i was about to leave he asked me 'how am i thinking of getting home (his home in England) from the airport'. I was a bit startled to hear a question like that, because I assumed he, my boyfriend, would come and pick me up. Later on he insisted that I only read it like that, but somehow 'how are YOU thinking of getting home' doesn't sound exactly like an offer of a lift to me, because he insists that was his offer for a lift, he just didn't know whether i needed one.

I genuinely did not wanna bother him with this, but when i worked out i'd have to wait 2 hours for a bus to get home from the airport, I sent him a text, asking if he could possibly pick me up. The next thing I get is him telling me that it' s a 2 hrs drive, he' s gonna be tired and he' s got work tomorrow, but he' s gonna see what he can do. And bare in mind, I already felt really bad for bothering him with this, so when I read the message I got pretty pissed that after not seeing your girlfriend for a couple of months those are the things on his mind. I felt like i'm just gonna be some sort of extra baggage in his life if I went, because I didnt really feel like i was actually wanted there, so I never went to that flight.

 

He did apologize to me, but everytime he says sorry about the matter 2 minutes after that he goes on and on about that i overreacted and recently when we touched this subject again he even picked up a sheet of paper and started working out how much time and money it would have cost him to go there and why the hell I never booked a flight to another airport that was a lot closer and that i thought of him at all.

 

Now about 4 months later I did finally come back, i had a little more time with my friends and family and felt like an entirely different person, I just felt very me and truly happy. To be fair, i wasn't entirely sure if coming back was really the right thing, but when I did, i realized i really do love him and genuinely wanna be with this person, and we had pretty amazing time together. However, about a month after we started seriously discussing moving out and it turned out that i hadn't managed to save up as much as I should if we wanted to live separately. Prior to coming back to his country, i really did try to save up, i took a job, helped out my parents and did some extra commission work on top of that, but no matter how hard i tried it was impossible to save up as much as i needed, plus I was really unlucky that the work I had taken decided to do massive wage cuts shortly after i started. So about a month before i came I had a conversation online with my boyfriend and he asked how much i've managed to save up and he laughed and said that i should just come back to England, he can sort me out for the first couple of months and obvsly i can give the money back to him laters. The way he said it, somehow sounded like he even finds the idea of me trying to save up anything just ridiculous. I felt bad for going back to his country without pretty much any money, no place to stay and no job, but it felt like him saying that was that extra reassurance that I needed. So, I came back and as i said things have been really great until recently when he asked again how much i' ve managed to save up and when finding out he laughed (he keeps telling me that it' s just me taking EVERYTHING he says in an offensive way) and asked how am I planning to even move out with him? A question like that startled me beyond anything and i felt like a complete idiot, coming all the way to a foreign country.

Days later when i reminded him how he spoke to me about it, he only said that he was trying to sort out the situation (I'm sorry but I'm freaking out here and him laughing about the matter offensive or not is not helping in any way) and that I never came up with any figures and that I never asked if i needed any money from him!!!! I never did because the way he spoke to me about the matter did not seem like he actually would lend me anything even though before I came back he told me he would. Now he keeps telling me that it' s my fauth cuz I never asked him yes/no question.

Now he has had a bit of convo to his mom about this and he' s REALISED what a poo he' s been to me and that basically he didnt feel like lending me any money because we grew apart when i was in my country so he didnt feel close to me enough to do it. Yes, things were great since i came back, but apparently it still wasnt enough to him. That just makes me feel like i'm supposed to **** myself to my boyfriend and if I'm good enough he might consider moving in with me. Please bare in mind that if I stayed in my country i would not have any sort of financial problems like these, it is only because i decided to come back and live with him, and he knows that.

 

At the minute I am considering just breaking up with him and just moving back to my country, because any sort of regrown self esteem I had managed to gather during the time I was with my family is just gone. And if I'm unhappy I cannot make my boyfriend happy in any way and I cant really change him either, but i cant also live with someone who twists and turns everything, who opens his mouth JUST to get his point accross, basically to prove that he' s right and i'm wrong.

 

btw, my apologies for any bad grammar.

[quirky]

Are you only living in England because of him? What made you move here initially?

[catfeeder]

Are you only living in England because of him? What made you move here initially?

 

This is what I wondered, too.

[kissmyspine]

This is what I wondered, too.

 

Yes, I am. I moved there initially because at the I travelled a lot and it seemed like a nice place to stay for a while and then I met my boyfriend... besides at the time I had some really good friends living here as well (unfortunately they all have moved somewhere else now). The bottom line is that no, I would not have come back if it wasnt fo my boyfriend, and he knows that.

[kissmyspine]

This is what I wondered, too.

 

I grew up in a farm far from city life etc so my upbringing was very different from my boyfriends. I was raised with a very strong view that materialistic things should never be put first and should never been the ones that you should base your most important decisions upon. I feel like where I come from people connect with each other by doing something uncondtional to each other and genuinely not asking or expecting certain things in return. And even though England is lovely in so many brazzilion different ways, this is somerhing I miss.

To me, having my boyfriend first of all think of time, money and effort its gonna take to come and pick his girlfriend up from an airport, is something I cannot understand. Perhaps it is a cultural difference, perhaps I really am just spoiled (as my boyfriend claims me to be).

[catfeeder]

I grew up in a farm far from city life etc so my upbringing was very different from my boyfriends. I was raised with a very strong view that materialistic things should never be put first and should never been the ones that you should base your most important decisions upon. I feel like where I come from people connect with each other by doing something uncondtional to each other and genuinely not asking or expecting certain things in return. And even though England is lovely in so many brazzilion different ways, this is somerhing I miss.

To me, having my boyfriend first of all think of time, money and effort its gonna take to come and pick his girlfriend up from an airport, is something I cannot understand. Perhaps it is a cultural difference, perhaps I really am just spoiled (as my boyfriend claims me to be).

 

No, you're not spoiled. You sound every invested in BF's spin, so he's able to manipulate you into believing that you're unreasonable. You are NOT unreasonable, and anyone would likely feel very lonely in this relationship. So the question becomes, is this good enough for you?

 

Head high.

[kissmyspine]

No, you're not spoiled. You sound every invested in BF's spin, so he's able to manipulate you into believing that you're unreasonable. You are NOT unreasonable, and anyone would likely feel very lonely in this relationship. So the question becomes, is this good enough for you?

 

Head high.

 

He is insanely funny and very, very intelligent person, he is the only guy I've ever felt any sort of strong romantic feeings for (I am 27), and in fact he (24) is the only one I've ever been really physically attracted to. He's told me that it feels like he's connected with with me on deep emotional level (as soppy as it sounds) and I feel the same, and to be fair for a quite a while it felt like he is defnitely more into me than vice versa, so the lack of attraction and connection would be out of question. Yet he still acts like acts.

 

I don't wanna set my mind to Ohh he's the ultimate bad guy as he has been very patient with me and has gone through a lot. The problem is that he is the nicest boyfriend in the world apart from the fact that he cannot take any critisism. He has admitted recently that his last relarionship (3 yrs) did go downhill because the girl eventually went along to whatever he said and he lost all respect (there were other reasons as well obvsly). So he wants to be told off but at the same time he cant take it when I do.