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Ex wants to be friends, I don't. OK to say no? Was I mean? Was he mean?

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Hi all,


So who remember my crazy history with the bipolar guy from summer 2011? To recap: he was an ex from highschool, we reunited from an online dating site, the first month together he was obsessed over me, the relationship moved really fast, then he started to pull away, then he got verbally/ emotionally abusive, then I had my accident with life-threatening head injuries in which he wasn't there for me and made fun of me for wearing neckbrace, then he flip-flopped between wanting to me with me and not wanting to be with me, then he came on strong again saying "I love you" and made all these promises for us to be together for a long time, then he was diagnosed with bipolar finally, then he didn't know if we should be together, then he broke up with me. Then he came back 2 months later wanted to "make us work." We were supposed to meet (me being super supportive/ an angel/ still in love with him yet dumb I know) and then he cancelled on me. I got mad, then he rescheduled for the following week. I still agreed to meet with him, and we were supposed to meet, but when I texted him he never answered me, and I texted him multiple time later just to be completely ignored. He fell off the face of the earth.


Fast forward to June. He texted me a one word "sorry." I didn't respond (that's all he had to say??). I figured it was best to ignore him.


Fast forward to now. He came back, AGAIN. I ignored it. I realized there was an apology I owed his friend because my ex told me his friend hated me, and I got mad and took his friend off facebook, only to realize that it was all a lie. So I contacted his friend to apologize and that was my plan. His friend told me that my ex felt really sorry and just wanted to apologize. So to make peace I finally answered my ex. My ex wanted to call me so we spoke over the phone. He apoloized and said he disappeared that final time because he felt so ashamed of what he did. He wanted to meet up, I was caught so off guard and just agreed to meet him.


Now his friend is telling me that he improved over the last year and realized what he has done. So I met up with my ex, and it seemed clear this time he ONLY wanted to be friends.


Now my feelings are all coming back, the pain, the anger, the confusion, the sadness. Not that I want to get back with him, but I was hoping that if he had TRULY gotten better then sometime down the line getting back together would be a possibily. But it just hurt that my ex seemed over me (after all I did for him), and I still had some anger. Plus, if he didn't make a good boyfriend would he make a good friend??


To add to my nervousness, his friend told me that my ex got mad at him on new years because my ex wanted to go out and he didn't, so my ex said that he was a boring old man and ignored him the rest of the day (a sign he didn't change?).


So this is what I did: I told my ex I couldn't be friends with him because I had a lot of mixed emotion still. He kept asking why, so I told him how I was still hurt over the way I was treated, over the lies. I told him I still couldn't understand why he was so in love with me just to leave, that it all must have been fake. And I know it's in the past but it still affects me! I just spit it all out how I was still hurt and angry, and then it hurt even more that he just wanted to be friends.


My ex got angry at me, saying he wasn't a monster. He said he felt like I was attacking him. Then he told me he never lied about anything, so it turned into an argument. Then he just lost his temper and told me I was trash that needed to be taken out, and that he has a girfriend now (yet his facebook says single, his friend never told me he has a girlfriend, and he failed to mention to me that he has a girlfriend until this argument so do you think he's just saying it out of spite?). Then he said he's only apologizing to me because it's in his culture to make peace with an ex before getting engaged!!!!!


We finally tried to make peace again and that was that.


Did I do the right thing? Was anything I said or did wrong? Did I give him too much power? Should I have just accepted the apology and been his friend even though it hurts me? I don't know, do you think I went about it wrong?

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it doesn't matter how you did it ...the way you dealt with it ....all that is the yesterdays now


its about where you go from here and the decision you made...which was the right one in my mind , it blew too easily and you got verbally abused ....this will never be a friendship , and you are right to make sure that doesn't happen .


you just make sure this doesn't bring you down and keep moving forward with a smile x

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Thank you both,


Batya, you know how weak I am with this guy. You know I keep falling for his lies and wanting him back and forgiving him just be be dumped and treated like garbage over and over and over. You know how I keep hoping that his condition will be all better and we will get back together and relive that first month and live happily ever after. And my strength I had gained is starting to slip away, and my feelings are coming back So I just need that advice right now that I did the right thing. It's my nightmare that he has a new girlfriend and is over me and is all better now, so this is just setting me back It hurts so bad that after all the support and everything I did for him he just comes and goes as he pleases and is so nonchalant and throws this 'friends' word out now.


Ugh I need to do what's best for me. But I do feel guilty for letting it show that I still have some feelings, and maybe I didn't handle it so well again. But thanks for always being there for me


thank you as well heartgoeson

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he lost his temper too quickly ...


that part of your story is what you need to recall when your feeling vulnerable enough to take him back.


I thought so. He should understand and not be so mad? I didn't mean to offend him or be like "ohh you're an @sshole!!!", I just tried to explain to him how I was hurt over the things he did in the relationship and that I was still affected by it. When you are emotionally and verbally abused it takes a long time to heal and a simple "sorry! Let's be friends" doesn't take away the scars of what he has said and done. It wasn't my intention to throw out all the bads things he's done to make him feel horrible, it's just I was trying to explain why i was hurt and why I couldn't be friends. I'm sorry if that was attacking him. But this was my question to all if you think he has a right to be mad at me for the way I said things?? I have too much anger still, and then the other part of me still has feelings for him for those good times we had


I am just so scared of getting hurt again, or if he IS better that I will fall in love with him again just to get the "I told you I just want to be friends!" line.


And then the other part of me wonders if I am harsh on him because if he has a condition maybe I should of been there for him regardless? (but then again when was he there for me....)

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I have a feeling you mistunderstood my post


he lost his temper far too quickly at you which tells me things havent changed ...so your right not to be friends


oh yes yes I agree, like instead of saying something like "hey that makes me feel like im a horrible person, but yeah I guess I did do those things, well I understand why you would feel like that and again I'm really sorry" and not "I'm not an @sshole! You were the one with the attitude , I left you because of your attitude! Well you were trash and I have a girlfriend now!" right?


It's almost like when I call him out on what he did to me he doesn't want to hear it and he gets mad.


Honestly if I treated someone like garbage though they can be angry all they want and it's ok! Hey if I ever abused someone for no reason I wouldn't be mad if they complained or cried out about it.

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Something that stands out in your posts is that it was only good with him for one month! The first month is nothing to go by anyway. To have the hope that things could ever go back to the way they were in the first month is very unrealistic. In fact, it's more like a fantasy.


Another thing, you're angry at him because he reacts differently from the way you would. But it's a waste of energy to expect another person to act the way you yourself would. Not everybody is fair and reasonable! I'm not in any meaning you should forgive him and accept his treatment of you, I'm trying to say for your own peace of mind don't go on being upset and angry.


Definitely don't accept being his friend. The contact you're having with him already is already taking it's toll on your emotional wellbeing. You have to let him go. It was only good for one month, the honeymoon period. After that it wasn't good for you. You've been through an awful roller coaster ride with him. His changeableness and his temper are not going to change. Why would you want to continue being put through the wringer by him? Stick to what you originally worked out, that it wouldn't work to be friends. It's not mean. Of course it's not mean to take care of yourself. He's not going to take care of your self. Don't get sucked into feeling guilty if that decision makes him angry. You're being reasonable, remember that. It's the good decision. Don't get caught up in any more drama with him. Unless you don't mind drama!

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Thank you offplanet, the reason why I keep going back to him and wanting to make it work is because he's being treated for his bipolar, and I often hear that as long as they take their meds and continue therapy then they should be functioning fine. Unless this has nothing to do with the condition, I don't know. I mean the first month with him was the best before it went downhill, but towards the end he would tell me he loved me, and before we met last week he tried to tell me that he really did love me. That's what screws me up! I just keep thinking if his condition came under control then we could go back to being happy. But its no use and yes I'm in denial!!! And look he still has a temper so you're right, hes not completely changed. and if he really loved me he would fight for me and try to get me back, not insist on friends. So you're right, he's just not good for me and I need him out of my life. I was doing ok until he came back, now I find myself crying again. And you're right, we were together for such a short period of time, why fight so hard to be with him when I am really just in love with a fantasy of who I think he is and not who he really is.

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I think you were absolutely right to say no to being friends. I applaud your honesty (some people are too willing to say yes when they don't want to), and if you have lingering feelings for him and lingering anger and hurt over the relationship it's best to stay away.


I had an ex who treated me awful. We broke up, only to have a FWB relationship until he found someone new about a month into our FWB. We stopped speaking, then he came for more FWB before leaving for the summer (it was college) and never once bothering to contact me. We reconnected in the fall, only at night. He began dating someone else and when we went back to FWB, he didn't even kiss me - it was only the later part he wanted. When I finally stopped dropping everything for him and disappeared, he kept asking his friends about me. We did reconnect, but he wasn't interested in friendship - it was always FWB. Fast-forward later in life, I romanticized the good and tried to over look the bad as youthful indiscretion. But when we did reconnect, and I had thoughts about trying again, the anger and hurt over the past was too much to overcome. We ended up fighting, and don't speak anymore. Maybe I was right or wrong with my analysis of him, but if I truly wanted him in my life I had to let go of the past. If you see hints of the old guy, remember those characteristics are always going to be part of him.


Bipolar doesn't go away - it's managed. Some people that are depressed act awful under that veil of depression, and get better and are better people. We are all human, but I think if his behavior is still something that bothers you ... say no. And continue to ignore him. Friendship is a two-way street; if you don't want to go down that road, let him know. If he takes offense, that's his choice. It's hard for all of us when someone says they don't want us to as a friend, or as a significant other. It hurts - b/c its rejection. Know he will get over it in time, and that you have to make the best choices for you.

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Thank you muppetshow. Yeah we need to do what's best for us. It's not fair that they are completely unaffected and can come and go, while we are in pain. That sounded like a painful breakup you had, but at least you came to terms with the truth and moved on. I guess my ex got angry that I brought up the past and rejected his friendship, so he went off on me and said mean things to me. I wonder if the gf thing is true though or if he's just trying to get me upset? Well, look apparently he didn't change then if he still has his temper!

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I think people are defensive a lot of times when they know they've done something wrong and are being called out on it. I don't know how his bipolar disorder affects his behavior and his treatment towards you, but you are still in a relationship with him AND his bipolar disorder. You have to figure out if it is something you can handle, because moving forward with any relationship with this person is going to involve further interactions that are similar in nature to this one. For example, this guy I mentioned from above, the one time I called him out on his treatment of me, right after we broke up before the FWB, I was livid he wanted me to hang out with his "new girlfriend" and a buddy of his I had met prior to his breakup. I could not believe this guy had sex with me one night and wanted me to happily party next to him and his new "gf". I did what I wanted and it bothered him, I was supposed to do what he wanted. Slowly I started to make excuses, because I wanted him back so badly I would have let him treat me like dirt if it meant I did something that made me look good in his eyes. I have to say, I was a doormat. I bent over backwards, and look where it got me. Allowing someone to treat you poorly isn't going to get you anywhere. I still haven't learned that lesson, but I'm trying.

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Muppetshow, yeah there was another time I called my ex on how bad he treated me and he got angry. It's like he doesn't want to feel the guilt so he gets mad and basically tells me to shut up. But I have to live everyday with the painful words he has said! I also wanted to be friends with him, be on my best behavior, play games of acting nonchalant, all of that in hopes of getting him back. But I figured why??? Why should he (or your ex) have all the control? I need to be in control once and do what's best for me, whether he likes it or not. So for once I rejected him, and now he's mad. But it was ok for him to leave me all those times? Whatever, he said he wanted to be friends, so I just need to accept that he no longer has feelings and move on. I don't want to be led on, I don't to feel used like you did, I don't him to be in control and I am supposed to do what he wants. It's like what about me? I'm sure if he loved me he would fight for me, and if he's not doing that then I need to have no contact with him so I can heal.

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